MM wrote:

[Your Daughter] is defenseless...and has NO ONE in her corner except YOU!! You cannot give in, you cannot give up. Too much is at stake! You now are entirely responsible for where this family goes.

Print this and put it in your wallet, Gramn, for when you are feeling weak. . . your daughter has only you to protect and take care of her the way she needs!

You dun good hun. . . really.

And BB, I hear ya Hon -- we're in H too. Galv's even too hot. Too hot to fish, to hot for golf. . .


slh

Not much new to report today.

I am tired because I couldn't sleep again.

She still doesn't know about the letters.

Then rest. You will need days like this, where not much goes on. Rest up, because there will be plenty of days where you will need the strength.

In His arms.

Well, I had plenty of time to sleep, I just couldn't sleep.

We also saw the Councilor yesterday. His main point was "Neither of you can currently look at your daughter's best interests objectively."

He implied that I should move out to let my wife and daughter have the house... What crap.

STOP GOING TO THAT MC.

I swear 90% of these boneheads dont have a clue.

Why the hell would you move out when you are not the one that abondoned your family. IF she wants out it is her choice to move out.

What is wrong with the morals of society today. It is almost like something like this is ok. There must be some reason that cause the affair to happen.

The only thing that causes an affair is the inability to communicate needs, lack of self control, and pure selfishness. That should not be awarded or pittied.

If it was that bad you should have gotten out sooner or went for help. That is the problem now. Everything is done the way that is the easiest. If it gets hard just give up. No one wants to work at anything.

That is what you are doing Gramn....You are WORKING at saving your marriage. Dont let some idoit who probably got his degree online tell you what is right. In a twisted way this MC probably thinks he is doing everyone a favor by splitting you up and letting you "move on" with your life. The fact is your "family" is gone. You will always have your child but your child will never have its family. That was my inspiration when I wanted to throw in the towel.

Like I said everyone has an opinion and feels they are the expert but you have to listen to what feels right for you. Only you truly know your situation. &*^% the marriage councilor. What a joke.

I agree that the Councilor is of little use in some ways. I do think that he is useful in that he can get us talking in a dialogue though. If she wants to see this guy with me, at least she is trying. (Not trying to fix the relationship, but trying something)

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One of my biggest shocks about this process are the OTHER PEOPLE! Many seem to SUPPORT the Affair rather than condemn it! Consider this:
• When I first had the D-Day talk, I left our daughter with a neighbor so she would not be involved. Neigbor woman apparently immediately called my wife to tell her where the baby was and they have since hung out for hours drinking and discussing divorce issues.
• 4 of WW's friends and relatives (including our daughter's godmother) knew about this affair ahead of time and said nothing.
• I called one of my casual local friends whose wife is friends with my wife. (just for someone to talk to) He didn't return my call. Instead, his wife told my wife that I'd called him, and I got chewed out!
• My best (local) friend has not talked to me in weeks! (His wife is also friends with my wife.) His wife cut off contact with my wife after D-Day for a while, but now they are back to hanging out. I remain cut off!
• A bunch of her casual friends from the Y are now acting as her "support group" going on weekend activities and things. I guess they owed me no loyalty, but why do they want to get involved?

Many of my friends live out of town. I can do stuff with them on weekends, but I am appaled that she's got this support network... Ugh!
--I do know that some people have not supported her much. I guess she has just not talked about/to those people.

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I hate this feeling that I am being plotted against in my own home! I am pretty sure that someone tamptered with my computer. Also, there are the constant "behind-closed-doors" cell phone calls. I can pick up a few words here and there and know that I am being talked about. This is making me paranoid and I don't like it!
ARGH!

Odds are she has told them some very convincing stories about WHY she's started this relationship.

My wife had a friend many years ago who had multiple PA's that my wife was aware of...but this lady had convinced my wife that her home life was SOOO terrible, her H was abusive, etc...

We got to know that family pretty well, and found out that it was all a bunch of bunk. We ended up letting her know that we DIDN'T condone what she was doing...but that was a long time down the road once we knew the truth.

You might consider asking your friend what story your wife is telling at this point.

I'd really like to know what she is saying, but my friends don't seem to be very good friends...

I'd say ask them directly, regardless of whether or not you think that they're friends. The worst that could happen is they'll lie, or get angry and end your friendship completely. Better would be if they told you what you want to know.

Have you exposed to all of these friends. Nothing like blowing the support system apart than a letter that tells the truth, instead of her lies.

Some may not care. Others might. My wife did the same stuff, and so did most of our friends. And they told me "Get over it, she is gone...move on." Glad I didnt listen to them.

These friends are not going to be what saves, or dooms, your marriage. You and your wife are. So you should mostly ignore it.

On the MC...you now know that this MC isnt about saving your marriage. I had one like that early on, and I spent most of my time instructing her on the principles of having and keeping a marriage. So, that is why YOU must becoem an expert. You can actually "educate" a MC, who will in turn, over time...begin to stop their anti-marriage tactics, and begin to give good advice to your wife.

In the meantime, hangout here and keep reading. Get smart!

In His arms.

Well, I called one of my "friends". He says that he's been busy at work and has no problems w me or anything. (I'm not sure about his excuse, but he does own a construction company, so that answer makes sense to me) So, I told him to call me when he's not busy. I'll see if he does.

Friends can feel uncomfortable beacuse they dont know what to say. Its like when someone is sick or dying...what do you say. ESPECIALLY male friends. Women are better (in general) at expressing feelings than men.

Just come out and say it. Be honest. That should open up some dialog. Dont go bashing your wife cause it will get back to her. Think about it...when he is back with his wife he will talk about it. It is human nature to discuss and belittle those who are having troubles. In a sick way it makes us feel better and more normal. I think this can be a helpful thing if you reinforce what you are trying to do. You are trying to fix this and make it right for the sake of your family. Yes you BOTH made mistakes but you want to at least try to fix them. Dont ask anything of your "friends" cause they may not be your friends. They will say things that will get back to your wife and contridict what she is saying to them. A powerful weapon.

If you need to vent off anger come here to talk to a family member you can trust.

And run some anti-spyware on your computer. Look up Spybot. It is free and it works. After you do that change your passwords and be mindful of what you open up.

She is probably doing some intel on you. So dont say anything that would jeopardize your case even here.

It is a crazy time my friend

OK,check this out...
Wife has been invited to dinner by the wife of one of the board members at the Y. She doesn't know about the letters yet,but I am sure that this woman wants to talk to her about this.

Do you think I should tell wife about the letters??

Naaa.....No......Nope......Nada...... Just have a great evening with your daughter. Be prepared with your reply's because she'll likely return from the dinner a tad warm under the collar. Have your lines ready, there's no need for me to restate them, they've already been said plenty of times..... Make sure you have someone you can talk with tonight after this is all over.....

Hell no. That would give her time to prepare what to say. Are you crazy This is great. This is not expected and will blow up in her face. If she prepares the Y Guy will have a story in line with her. This way they cant compare notes ahead of time. She will be flustered when she explains and wont remember the details. This puts him in a bad spot and SHE is to blame.

But be ready the crap is coming off the fan and will land on your carpet. Whats the saying...hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Remember she NEEDS to hit bottom before this can be over. The only thing you are guilty of is trying to save your marriage. No one can tell you differently.

hold tight and batten down the hatches...I think a storm is approaching.

Well, maybe you're right and this woman will "blindside" her, but I'm thinking that this woman is her friend who is going to do a "do you know what your husband is doing?" type of thing.

Remember, this affair is not that much of a secret now.

Hmm... I wonder what I need to have prepared?

Send your letters to the national council. I think I gave you the address. It is their role to enforce that the Y upholds the mission of the Y. STRONG FAMILIES remember. If you get nowhere with the Board escalate it.

Gramn...there is no way to avoid looking like a jerk in her eyes now. You are stealing her crack. You are the bad guy....Y_guy is god like and can do no wrong. It is her soul mate the one she was meant to be with. Blah Blah Blah.
The problem is that if she becomes too much trouble he will bail. She will say it is your fault but who the hell is she married to. Not very logical. I no one day she will tell you she made a mistake. It may be too late but EVERYONE here has probably heard I am SORRY I wish I could have done that over.

I dont think you are doing any of this to hurt her. You are trying to get her off the drugs and back into your life. It does look hopeless at times but it is not.

Dont enable her. So what if she has another person supporting her. What she did is immoral and if this board member takes her role seriously this is bad for the Y.

You didnt threaten anyone with action you just told them you were disappointed in the organization and its employees. And you are right????

If she was on drugs would you give her a twenty and tell her to go get some milk. NO!

That all makes sense to me.

This woman is the boardmember's wife, not an actual member herself.
I am saying nothing slanderous or anything.

But this all makes me feel very uneasy. She is going to go to court to file for divorce (and custody) soon. Maybe tomorrow.
So, I'm worried that in her anger she'll try to ask for all sorts of crazy things.

She's gonna ask for all kinds of crazy things to begin with, that's why you've been advised to DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, and oh yeah, DOCUMENT. Does it sound logical that 2 days before filing she told you that 50/50 custody was the way to go and then file something different? Nope..... String together a bunch of illogical, immoral, and other behaviors and you begin to build your case.....

I have been keeping a journal every day.

I just want to be sure that I'm ready for this tonight...