Her: I'm leaving if he gets a job in Tin-Buc-Two

You: Me and our daughter will miss you but we can't stop you from leaving.

Honestly Gramm, by turning up the heat as you did, the likelyhood of that scenario playing out is pretty slim. The harder she fights for the affair, the closer it is to being over......

I do not take blame for the affair, or it's consequences.

I do take blame for forcing the issue to a head.

Gramn -

Okay, you have done it the MB way. You've done an excellent job in a very short time. Please trust in the MB plans. Many of the things suggested here do not feel right, or comfortable.

Please realize that many, many marriages have been saved here, and gone on to be wonderful partnerships. So trust in the process.

You also need to rest up for recovery, which is hard also. But I think your recovery will go better than most. You have been a good man, and took difficult steps to save your family.

Give yourself a much needed pat on the back, calm down, and give the process time to work.

So you are taking blame for doing the right thing? That's cool, I can dig it. Gramm, if more people did the right thing, as you did, we wouldn't need these boards. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING.

Thanks for the praise and all, but I don't feel good about messing with this guy's wife and 3 kids. No way around it.

Gramn,
My ex had an affair with a woman from work - I didn't take the advice here and expose. I'm divorced and he is seeking an annulment to marry her. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!!!

So, Gramn...

Do you mean to tell me that I really am ok in blaming OWH for messing up my family?

Gee, all this time I thought it was MY fault!

Does this sound ridiculous to you? It should.

It's good that you feel bad for the other victims, but it's not your fault. You can't blame yourself for what is rightfully the OM's misdeeds.

I'll try once more...

Yes they were OM's misdeeds, but the way it was handled forced ME to be to be the one to bring this to the board and mess with his family. If I had let this go, his family would have had support. SO, even though some of this is justified, the wellfare of these kids is on my head.

Gramn - It is good that you feel that way. You are a good man. Y-guy will need to find another job. He will have less time to spend with your wife. That is good.

Gramn, honey, sweetie - YOU can not fire him. If those who can, decide that he needs to be fired for his actions, than it is them or he, himself that is responsible. People must be responsible for their actions. OMM is the one totally to blame here if he loses his job.

Actually YGuy is lucky that you didn't go over to him and... Hold your head high. You are fighting for your family. Is he ????

Car

THis will just lead to more fighting WITH my family...
Huhhh...

Gramn,

Consequences. OM is experiencing the consequences of his actions. YOU are not the one who committed the act that is resulting in the consequences - he is. YOU are not the one with primary responsibility to his wife and kids - he is.

Regards,

BB

You were told to expect that reaction. It goes with the territory. It doesn't mean that it is the end of the world.

You need to stand firm in the knowledge that what you are doing is to try to save your marriage and family.

The loss of OM's job may end up being a blessing in diguise for their marriage to be saved as they can possibly draw together in a time of trial and reconcile.

If his wife sticks by him and still wants to stay married through this they can work through the difficult times as he seeks another job. If there is any good in OM at all he will still desire to provide for his children. It can actually help OM and OMW bond again. I hope so.

I know that when I wanted to save my marriage that was the only important thing. I would have lost everything with him and moved to start fresh in another state if we needed to do that. Hopefully, OMW will want to do that too. She was initially ready to roll over and feel defeated by the 'soulmate A'. Lots of BS's feel that way at first. I am glad she had recently been talking to him about reconciling.

You did the right thing. Real consequences for the infidels can be a good thing.

Well, good consequences for the other family aside, I am still deeply worried about my dying relationship. I'm sure that the courts can do some things to protect my relatioship with my daughter, but I can currently see NO WAY that this will help my wife and I. She is saying that I screwed this guy's children, and, althought I didn't start it, she is right that I forced the issue.


--------------------
Something else to consider:
In my letter I said this:
"I expect you to formally reprimand YGUY and order him to have no further contact with my wife, or to consider terminating his employment."

So I'm wondering if he chose my wife over his job, or if that was not even an issue. If he chose my wife... That is not good.

Most of us got flack for exposure.

It doesn't have to mean that your marriage is still hopeless.

You are too quick to believe her words.

You need to let her bards and accusations be like water off a duck's back. Be strong as she slings the barbs and arrows your way. You need to still reiterate that everything you are doing is to save your family/marriage or whatever mantra you may have been using. Be strong, firm, calm, and loving.
Do not capitulate. Don't roll over and get walked on.

You hold to the moral compass in this. Everything she attacks you with is to justify her guilty A behavior. It is part of the script. Please, you've been told to expect it all. Do not take it to heart. Do the right thing for your daughter.

It doesn't happen overnight...you still may be in for the long haul. You need to focus on custody of your D and not feel or act defeated in the least.

Gramn-

What did you expect your wife to say?!?!?

"Thank you very much for doing your best to put an end to my inappropriate relationship with Y-guy! It's the best thing you've ever done for me!"

Puh-lease!!

OF COURSE She's angry and taking it out on you!! Everyone here has told you from the beginning to expect that. So why in the heck are you sitting there stewing like this?!?!

Sheeesh...we told you it would be tough. What would you have rather done than not expose it...just let it all keep going on and on???????

C'mon dude...either decide to fight to end the affair and help your wife get to a point where she can start acting like a reasonable adult again, or give up and just let her do whatever the heck she wants. THERE IS NO MIDDLE GROUND IN THIS

Gramm, no you did not "force " the issue, the OM did. You didn't screw the OM's children, the OM did. Its just too bad the OM doesn't care as much about his own kids as you do. Maybe he wouldn't have risked his job then.

Gramm, stop accepting the blame for someone else's wrongdoing. It is WRONG to have an affair with a married woman, it is not wrong to expose it.


--------------------
Something else to consider:
In my letter I said this:
"I expect you to formally reprimand YGUY and order him to have no further contact with my wife, or to consider terminating his employment."

So I'm wondering if he chose my wife over his job, or if that was not even an issue. If he chose my wife... That is not good. [/quote]

If this ain't alien speak I don't know what is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who screwed WHO?

Quit carrying someone else's guilt, exposure is WORKING!

If I were your daughter I'd be PROUD of you today, you are trying to save HER family! You will always be able to look your little one in the eye. THAT MATTERS TOO!

I don't know what to think of all this.

Exposure waas one thing. I felt good getting the truth out.

This is somehting else. It feels like I'm being vindictive or wanting revenge. I know that I did not start this, but I could screw up my life further...

-----------------------
On another note...
1) Wife is considering quitting the Y
2) She just got offered a good new job in town. (ironic?) I know that she is thinking of moving out of town to be with Y guy, but a good new job would be a reason for her to stick around.

Well Gramn...think what you want to think. I've offered my opinion and suggestions. You keep thinking that YOU are screwing your life up....but refuse to see that YOU didn't do anything. If you want to accept the blame for all of this, go ahead. It will just vindicate your wife and give her plenty more ammunition to use against you. Your call tho...I'm done.