Gramm, just stop this. You are being silly and buying into their blameshifting. The Y guy was fired because of HIS ACTIONS, not yours. If you go to jail because you robbed a bank, whose fault is it that you went to jail? Your own or the cop who busted you?

Would you say the cop is the bad guy because the bank robbers kids have to go on welfare? Or is that the fault of the bank robber?

The welfare of his children is HIS responsibility and he got himself fired for his own behavior. You did not fire him nor did you cause him to be fired. He was fired because of his affair. Period.

Gramn -

Your feelings are normal, and will pass. I had a lot of unpleasant feelings when I exposed to OW's husband. He just came home from fighting in Iraq. Came home to find out his wife was cheating the whole time.

His 12 year old had decorated the whole house with welcome home stuff. Instead of a happy homecoming, she spent the night crying. I still feel awful about it.

I know that you've all got points here. (Whether or not I sem receptive, I care. I'm in major turmoil here!)


It's not like I went to the Y and said "Fire him or I sue" or anything either. It was their decision. They could have just reprimaned him, or ignored my request entirely...

Actually I said " I ask that you contact me regarding this in the next week. " which they did not even do. So, in a way, it was not at all my decision.

Gramm, I know that you feel bad, and I can understand that, but please don't accept blame that does not belong to you. The OM did this to himself and his family. You were perfectly justified in doing everything to break up this affair and protect your family from him. Just because he got hurt while you were trying to stop him from destroying your family does not mean you are the bad guy. He is the bad guy. Not you.

Too bad he didn't care about the impact all this would have on his own family, huh?

Also, understand that Y had every right to fire him. They had a RIGHT to know he was fooling around with a married patron. I doubt they need the bad PR of having an adulterer working for them. You did them a favor.

Gramn -

No one can tell you what is right for you to feel. Your feelings are your feelings, and very normal at this point.

You have done what MB suggested, and given your family the best chance to be a family again. Trust in the process.

I think it is healthy to post what you are feeling here. Also it will help others who may have to go through the same thing.

By the way, since I've been here, I've seen a ton of complete turn arounds. Situations that seemed completely desperate and hopeless, suddenly turned completely around.

So, are you positive that this guy is getting fired as a result of your letter to the board, or are you just assuming that will happen?

Grahm,
All ican say is WOW, I can't believe that you somehow thought that exposure was going to come without wacky fogged out hate from your WW.
Then, just for good measure, you decide that all this fallout from the sleazy affair of your WW and OM is somehow your fault.
If someone came to your house, and starting pouring gasolene all aroung the foundation and stood there with a lighter in his hand, would you feel guilty that you called police and fire, learning later that this dope has a wife and 3 children?
This worm your WW is involved with, didn't care didley about you, your marriage, and most importantly, your daughter and her well being. Don't you see that???
So your stance, at this point, is that you will absolutely not stand for this kind of callous disrepect for your family and daughter. The destuction he caused to his family belongs to him, and him alone!!!!
You have used every tool in your arsenal to end the affair, and that is exactly what any self respecting man and father would do in the situation you were presented with. What is it in that concept that you don't understand?
This is a battle, Grahm. The time to lick you wounds will come later. After the battle is over and you have won your self respect and, hopefully, your marriage back.
I'm a little(ok a lot) older than you and I can tell you it took me a long time to come back to the "world" after my battles in 1968.
I won't go into any of that, except to say, you can deal with the "battle wounds" but not until the war is over! There will be a time and place for that, but not while you're in the heat of the battle.
You have been given the very best of advise from the very wisest people on these boards. They know what they're talking about because they are all veterans of "the battle."
CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE AND STOP THROWING UP WHITE FLAGS! THE BATTLE IS NOT NEARLY OVER YET. If you're truly committed to saving your marriag(and you have said all along that you were), then resupply your ammo and get ready for the next battle. Only after you have won a preponderance of the battles, will you ever emerge the victor of THE WAR.
Hang in ther Grahm, you CAN DO THIS.
All Blessings,
Jerry

Well, I guess I have at least passed this "revelation" phase, for better or worse.

Have any of YOU revealed to an Other Person's Employer? What happened in your case??

Gramn - I did. But only 2 hours ago. And the OM is not at her place of work. But her boss said "when do you think she would have time to have anything else going on?" That is fog talk - coming from someone other than my WW.

I do not think WW can get in trouble at work, except I asked her boss check her sent log for OM's email address. WW is not supposed to be on boss's computer, but I do not think it will be cause for dismissal.

WW has probably gotten a call from her boss by now, so when I talk to WW I will ask her what she thinks will happen at work. (NOT!!)

I will update you as things progress. Pray for me - I will pray for you.

far

Gramn-

I have revealed to OP's employer....they felt it was a personal matter, and did not act on it, but I would have felt perfectly fine if she'd gotten fired and had to sell her house.

YOU did not do this to him. He made bad decisions, and got caught.

YOU did not screw his family HE did.

Your wife is spewing this venom because she doesn't want the guilt of it being HER and Y-Guys fault.

Stop taking the blame, it wasn't revenge, it was what needed to be done, lest someone else's wife fall into this trap.

If Y-Guy and his wife are talking about reconciliation, then that means that his little affair with your wife isn't becoming less and less fun.....this was what we were going for. He's thinking that maybe he doesn't want to give up his family for her. I'd bet dollars to doughnuts he decides on his family....job or no.

You did good, stop beating yourself up........this is going wonderfully.

DO NOT LISTEN TO A DAMN THING YOUR WW says......it's all fog talk.

-Caren

Gramn,

Organizations do not fire people for behaving in a manner that is not detrimental to the organization. He was fired due to some policy that the Y has regarding relationships with members. The board of directors would not risk being sued for something they could not prove was against policy.

You did nothing wrong. You are fighting for your life and your family. Protecting your life and family is something that is deep inside you and given you by the creator. It is nothing to feel guilty about.

I know all of the justifications, and they make sense, but I still feel like crap.

I just got a long letter from Wife's dad worried about what I was doing. I can't say I blame him.

Gramn - we are soldiers. We are fighting for our family.

In war, the soldiers can not consider the lives of the men that are trying to destroy them. They must fight back. Sure - the kids shooting at them are just kids, or men with families just like ours. But they want to destroy us, and WE MUST PROTECT OUR FAMILIES.

We can mourn the losses of those we hurt FIGHTING FOR OUR MARRIAGES, but during the battle is not the time to think about it. We must stay on task or our FAMILIIES WILL GET HURT OR DESTROYED. And you have told OMW about Marriage Builders - so they, too, have a great chance for survival. But you have nothing to do with their stuff - you - I -are/am responsible for our families. We are not responsible for theirs.

I am with you, brother!
LETS WIN OUR FAMILIES BACK!!

far

Okay, you have permission to feel like crap. That is okay.

But what is done, is done. And I do think that much later you will feel better about it. One common problem for BS's is the self-hatred they feel when they have become so desperate to save their marriage that they put up with anything.

I put up with waaaayyyyyyyy to much to save my marriage. It caused me a lot of problems in my personal recovery.

Gramn-
I am sorry your friends here are not acknowleging your feelings. You have been under assault for a long time, and when being attacked by angry people, it is natural to feel anxious. I can read in your posts the anxiety and confusion you are feeling. I think they are understandable in your situation.

I want to point out to you that using your feelings of fear and confusion as a gauge of whether or not you have done the right thing is probably not a good idea. I suspect if you think back to all the decisions you have made in your life, you can think of a lot of them that seemed like good ideas at the time but turned out badly, and others that made you feel anxious the way you are now but worked out better than you expected. I don't know whether or not you did the right thing in exposing this man to his employer. I understand why you feel care and concern for his wife and children. It's easy enough to say, "It's all HIS fault", but we both know real life decisions are more complex than that. There are usually multiple contributing factors. I do suspect that there was already worry among the board members about his behavior, even if they seemed prepared to tolerate it. Your letter may have done no more than give them the excuse they needed to fire the man.

As far as your wife's reaction-you have a child. if she hasn't already, someday she's going to turn on you and say, "I hate you" or "You're mean" or "I'm running away from home" because you did something she doesn't like. You may as well get used to dealing with this kind of behavior now, even if it is coming from a wife and not a daughter. I suspect that neither you nor your wife have learned a lot about conflict resolution since childhood. You can't do anything about her right now, but you can educate yourself.

One more point-the people that have posted here criticising your feelings and putting you on the defensive are your friends. They actually mean well and are trying to help. Yet look at the effect they are having on you. When people are attacked, they go on the defensive. Maybe there's a lesson you can learn here that you can apply in dealing with your wife.

Feeling isolated is so common. My FWH had a ton of people on his "Side", they felt that since we were separated, that it was "His Business" what he was doing.....I begged to differ.

Well....separated, is not divorced. And adultery is adultery.

Even my own friends/family thought I was a complete idiot for even trying to save my family. They thought since he'd cheated on me...why on earth would I still even want to try to patch things up, and when I follow their advice, they all but wrote me off. (So I understand where you're coming from)

You are a better person than I am, I didn't give a flying crap what the reprocussions were for the OW....she could have been hit by a bus while I was standing there and I wouldn't have felt a thing, nor lifted a finger to help.

Her company is having financial difficulties, they have closed a few stores.....with the possibilities of more closings....and all I have to say is....well now, maybe if they'd acted in a Godly manner and at least reprimanded the manager of their store in my city, maybe they wouldn't be having these problems.

What comes around..........SO goes around.

-Caren

Let me get this straight. His daughter is having a sleazy affair with a married man and is destroying her family and he is worried about you?? FOR REAL?? Might his "concern" be a tad bit misplaced?

Gramm-

It is very clear in your post that you're feeling terrible for OM's family. I understand why you feel this way---because you are a decent human being who can empathize with OMW.

One thing I would say is to remember the *intent* behind what you did. You did not intend for him to be fired. If I recall, you hesitated to expose for that exact reason. You did not intend to hurt his family. You are a good man. Through all of this you have shown that.

On the other hand, I would hate for you to look back (if you had not exposed) and wondered if you had, would you still be married. Exposure is a necessary part of this battle you have chosen. There is some fallout from it for OM's family, and because you are a good man, you feel bad about it. I think most people would. However, this may put enough pressure on this A to end it, which is your ultimate goal.

We all know it was not your intent to get him fired. Try to remember that when you are feeling bad.

And, I would refer FIL to SAA or explain the MB's principles, so he understands why you did it.

Sorry you are feeling down. It is VERY understandable

I had a hand in exposing to my wifes work. She worked with OM. She actually exposed it because she quit so it was kind of a good story. I say kind of cause she blammed me for about 6 months. She now works from home and occasionally she will STILL blame me cause she gets lonely. When the fog lifts she loves it cause her pace of life has slowed and we have more time together with the Children.

I never asked her to quit but knew it was necessary. Actually the OM showed his true colors by telling her he wasnt leaving...she had to go. What a soulmate eh.

I know everyone is telling you it is not your fault but you feel it is. That is natural. Ultimately you will hear that the affair itself was your fault. "if you hadnt done this or been such a that I never would have went there". You did not screw his wife and kids...They did. They knew they had families that counted on them and depended on them but yet THEY took that selfish step all alone. These are the consequences. Adults have to deal with the consequences of there actions.

It is not revenge on your part. Revenge would be doing the things I am sure you dream about in your head. You are a good person though and dont act on that anger. Your goal was to end this relationshirp not to get him fired. You exposed what THEY were doing and the organization took action because it was immoral and against their policies.

Tell your father in law that you meant no harm but they will not stop seeing each other. You want to work on the marriage but cannot with him still in the picture. You will do anything legally necessary to protect your family. I would think you would do the same FIL.

Yes what you did was somewhat selfish but your goal was to preserve your family. There actions were to destroy your families. It sucks that there are innocent people being hurt but you did not cause that. If there was no affiar to talk about you would not be in this position.

I think this was all necessary because you had stated your Wifes biggest need was financial security. You shared emails where they joked about a boat etc. I think she was attracted to his power at the Y. That is why I think it was important that you did what you did. I think this will end very quickly now. Then you can begin to work on your marriage as I hope the Y guy does.

In the end it is NEVER money that provides happiness and security. It is family. A family can be happy making 10,000 a year or 1,000,000 a year. Money is a material thing. Bank accounts go up and they go down. A strong family will always be stable.
\
I think this will push Y_Guy back to his wife. She had to have been there for him in the past. Your wife and the YGuy never had to be there for each other. They were about being fun and freespirited or as normal people call it...being selfish. Now they BOTH NEED. They never had to do that before. They thought they were soul mates but why is my soul mate crying and carrying on. It is not fun anymore. I guess I didnt know this person at all. The end is coming.

I should say the end of this period. When the A is over you have one ugly marriage and it is on shaky ground. More work.

Actually I am sitting here thinking today is an anniversary of sorts for me. I think today marks the 1 year point when my wifes affair went from emotional to physical. Sorry if I dont raise a glass. The point is you will still have bad feelings and blame yourself and blame her for a LONG time. My wife is out of town with the kids and I am stuck home taking car of a family pet (cancer but I will spare you that story, I did volunteer to stay for a little alone time). I could tell when I talked to her today she was distant. I am sure she is aware of this "Anniversay" and it still weighs heavily on her as well. As it should.

I did a lot of things that I was not proud of during exposure. I told anyone who would listen and many people who didnt want to know. Like you I didnt expect her to come back. What I did WAS out of vengence. I wanted the world to know the sweet down to earth girl had turned into a materialistic slut. It was not my wife and when my wife returned she felt like she was labeled everywhere we went with the scarlet letter A.

She sees that she had changed now but at the time it was all me. EVERYTHING was my fault and she hadnt changed. She was just this woman about the world now. Once your wife bottoms out and notices you are still there it will change and you will see the women you love return... a little at first but more and more as time passes. Dont give up hope. The easy way now seems like it would be to let her go. You would have to live with that knowing you at least didnt fight for your family and daughter. There seems to be a lot of war metaphors...well unfortunatly your war has some innocent bystanders that were caught in the cross fire. Just remember though...you did not start this war and while regretful it is part of war.

Do what you need to to get through each day.

On a good note...you did do something good for someone elses family today. Instead of going to the casino I stayed home and read your threads. Too late to go now so my wallet thanks you as well.

Take Care