Thanks for the input WWW and everyone else.

I did talk to OMW to update her on the situation and tonight's planned meeting.

I guess that even though there is a pattern, everyone's affair is still a little different. I hope she fit's into the "snap out of it" crowd. I am sick of being accused of everything.

Today and yesterday, my Wife is in such a terrible place mentally that she really wants to die. It's terrible to see, because she won't let me comfort her at all. (All she wants from me is for me to try and get OM's job back)

-----------------------
I was thinking of suggesting that she quit the Y. (She had already mentioned that idea) What do you all think of that?

Gramm,

Is there any chance you may try to help OM get his job back?

I made a few calls right after he got fired. (Which I now regret making) I don't think I really could effect the firing even if I wanted to.

Gramn -

I know it is hard for you, and easy for us, because you are the one up close and personal with this mess. But think about your words. "I am sick of being accused of everything."

Right now, you are the only honorable one. You are fighting for your family, your daughter's future, and also for the Y-guys wife and children. Don't expect it to be easy.

In my case, after I caught WH and OW in bed, his roommate asked him to leave. He said he didn't want something so immoral going on in his home. I only met the roommate that one time, but have been very grateful for his stand. People like that are few and far between.

Hang in there, Gramn, keep up the fight.

Gramn,
Just spent the last hour 1/2 reading your story.




But THESE ARE the Consequences of an A .
If you don't make "that" connection in your own head .....your going to end up driving yourself crazy.

Ask yourself:
Did YOU FORCE them to continue IN an A ?
( OR did YOU give them [color:"blue"]every Opportunity to END it [/color] , BEFORE YOU were Forced [by their Actions] to do something you Never Wanted to have to do)??

Hey its not like the A was [color:"red"]OVER [/color] and Done ....and [color:"brown"]THEN [/color] you nuked the Guy out of Malice or Revenge.
That's NOT the way it went down at all.

AND stop acting like this Guy will never work again.
People LOSE jobs Everyday for thousands of Reasons.
(Its sad this guy brought HIS Dismissal upon himself .....but cheer up, He'll work again).

Sheeesh, you make it sound like you ran the guy over with a car and physically disabled him (thereby making him Unable to Work).

Hey,
when my W's OM ( CLB ) was Encouraged to resign over their A coming to light ......That was just the price of Doing someone else's W.
He got another job ... within a couple of weeks.
His family is still together.
But He's NOT with MY W anymore ......and that's all I ever wanted.

If he'd have just WENT AWAY on his own ......there NEVER would have been a NEED for anyone else to know.

(Hell, I made the mistake of keeping the secret between just the 3 of us for months and months as it was).
Then I kept reading here, and WOKE UP!

Just LIKE you eventually did.

Was it your telling the truth or the TRUTH Itself(& being given some light) that got this creep fired??

What "he" did ULTIMATLY came back to bite him.
There is a price to pay in life.

Never make the mistake of blaming the messenger! [You in this case}.
If you do, your falling into the same "illogic" that is currently Driving your WW's thinking as we speak.
Don't go there, I beg of you.

With that said,
Yes, YOU have to own the things you have done wrong (like the state of your M and relationship pre-A) ....But you really need to stop Accepting Misguided blame and guilt over someone else's POOR (but totally personal) Choices!

However,
I will compliment you on having compassion for the OM's Family (even as your dealing with your own troubles).
That speaks well of you.

So If having guilt about this, is your way of Coping .......then I guess you should continue with it!
Not recommended, but entirely Your Choice.

Wishing you ONLY success in reaching your Goal of health and healing!

STAY out of OM's job situation.... NOT on your PLAN to rescue OM from consequences of his crappy choices....

Your WIFE needs you ... use your energy there.... OM is a big boy ... let him fix his own mess

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

SLH & Believer...you guys are so welcome...thank you both too, your posts have offered me seeds of faith as well! These boards are such a blessing aren't they? They offer hope and comfort to all those who seek it, it seems...

Gramn...

Couple Things...

1. RE: The Financial Situation of OM's Family
In reading your posts I've learned a bit about yours
and the other family's monetary issues...I believe you
said that your W viewed OM as "wealthy" and I under-
stand that you guys sometimes are a little shaky where
finances are concerned...Right?

I think that you are comparing the way things are with
your family's finances with that of the OM's...In other
word's you are thinking that if you lost your job,
you guys might have a very difficult time in the
interim of your finding a new job...But consider that
it isn't like that for everybody...I think you can rest
easy that they will make it, you said that the OM is 40-
he has been in the work force for a lot longer than you,
and should have some savings...AND you said that he
was the CEO at the Y...should've been a pretty good
salary if he was supporting a wife and 3 kids with
it...He is a grown up anyway, and we grown ups know
that with EVERY choice we make in life comes
consequences...you pick the behavior, you pick the
consequence!

2. RE: Your Treatment of Your Wife
Something my husband has been telling me for
years may really help folks putting Plan A
into action...ACT, DON'T REACT...Never let
another person's behavior change the way you
behave...continue to be the person that you
want to be. Also, something that you and/or
your W might find helpful is something that
I use to put things in perspective for myself...
5, 10 or even 20 years from now I will not
feel about this how I do today...in other words,
"this too shall pass".

Hang Tough Kiddo, I think you are doing great!!!

WWWondering

I am glad you regret trying to help OM. I hope you don't in the future if that hurts your M in the process.

I am proud of you and think you are doing good.

I agree...you are doing fantastic, and, I believe I've said it before, YOU are not responsible for that man losing his job, HE IS, he's the one that acted in a manner unbecoming someone employed by a christian organization.

It's his bed....let him lay in it.

As far as your wife being depressed......that's actually good....her A is unraveling right before her eyes.

Relationships built on lies never last.

Your WW will be mad as hell for a while, they have this sense of entitlement that is UNREAL.

Keep on keepin' on Gramn,

-Caren

Gramn, WWW is right on. While you wait (and do the things I listed before), you begin to seed the environment, just as she said. How? Well, first...no accusations. Everything is matter-of-fact. Pretend like you know "everything." Second, listen. Dont lash at her...let her speak. It is now that she will begin to talk, begin to spill out all of the things in her head. As she does that, you just say things like "Honey, I didnt know that...I'm sorry that hurt you." Or "So how do you feel about that?" Answer her accusations and denouncements of you with questions. She says "You were never there for me." You say: "Honey, I am so sorry you ever felt that way. I am so sorry that you have ever felt that way." Then...say nothing!! Let the silence be deafening. Let her become uncomfortable. It is i nthis moment that she will hear herself...and she will move to the next stage in her communications with you.

That stage is awareness. She begins to become aware of just how silly she sounds. She begins to have that embarassment that WWW talked about start to hit home. She begins to see herself as she really is...dirt and all.

But guess what else she begins to see? She begins to see a guy she doesnt quite recognize. She expected her accusations abd bile to be met with defensive words, and even with throwing the affair back in her face. She never expected the guy she is hurting so much to sit there and listen and to actually find sympathy for her. For the first time since this whole sordid thing started, she actually has one person she can discuss everything with. She has someone that understands her, and understands her life leading up to this (tell me if this doesnt ring true, WWW). Oh, she is mad as hell at you...no doubt. But she is also confused because the guy she is most mad at she begins to realize that she doesnt want to do without.

Ever see the movie "The Story of Us" with Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfeiffer. It is brilliant in playing out the mid-life issues of marriages. But what I wanted to hone in on was the end of the movie. Where Michelle, who has been pressing the separation and divorce...has that "lightbulb" moment. Where she can see clearly what she has...and what she is about to lose. So she begins a diatribe about how they have history, a family. About all of the little things she forgot about while she was lost in the negatives. She talked about how she knew Bruce had negatives...but dont we all. And that no matter who we are with, this will always be the case. As I have always said...if you find the perfect man or woman to be your spouse...dont marry them. you will only screw up their lives!! That's a joke...as you know.

Anyway, what I am trying to tell you (and WWW is telling you from one who is just coming out of this as a WW) is that your wife needs you. My wife even said a few days ago something interesting. I asked "Do you love me?" She said "Yes...but sometimes I hate you!" And said it with a slight smile on her face. And you know what? I can accept that. I can now accept that sometimes, I do not like my wife...and that is okay. And the marriage and family are okay if my wife is completely POed at me today.

Your wife will, as most WSs do...have that "lightbulb" moment. And who will have been there for her, to help guide her to that moment...even when she didnt want him to? That would be you!! Who will be there when the moment happens, and she breaks down in sobs that you never ever want to hear out of your wife? That will be you. Who will drop the hurt and anger atyour wife in a second to hold her and help her heal first, even though it was you that was betrayed? Well, it aint fair...but that guy is YOU!!

I talked about what God expects outta you. He expects you to die for your wife. To put her interests and wellbeing ahead of your own. Sometimes that means tough love. Sometimes that means just listening, when you want to unload on her. Sometimes that means forgiveness, even when forgiveness wasnt asked for.

I hope you are beginning to see this. Your wife is beginning to change. The person she becomes at the end of this will not be the same person that came into it. Neither will it be for you.

But guess who has the major influence in what she becomes? You do! From TopRope: "Sometimes the last person you WANT to help you is the ONLY One who CAN!" That is you, Gramn.

You know, during the affair, when my wife left me and the kids...I looked at my daughter (who is a spittign image of her mom) and just wanted to cry that her role model was such a mess. That my daughter would not have the woman my wife used to be in order to help her grow to be a Godly woman.

Guess what I think now? First, I think that my daughter has slowly watched a woman dealing with many "demons" in her life that were there from childhood. My daughter has watched over the last three years a woman come to grips with her sin, and begin to try to become who she should have been all along.

But added to that...if you ask my daughter who has had the greatest impact on her life, on her family and on her mom becoming who she is becoming...she will tell you that it is me. She has seen me a mess and ready to give up...only to step back up the next day and try again. She has seen her mom go off about me, only to end back up in my bedroom. She has seen a tremendous amount of pain caused by her mom on everyone in the family...and watched her dad defend her and keep her on that pedestal.

Your daughter is too young to understand. And years from now, she will forget the whole thing. But I can bet, when she is my daughter's age (11), she will wonder what could have been if your marriage fails. What will your daughter understand about what happened? What did her father do to save her family and protect her? How far did he go for her mother, to save and protect her?

Of course, should your marriage make it, your daughter will almost assuredly never know about this. But your wife will. And your daughter will grow up looking at your wife look at you. Guess what your daughter will see out of her mom? Guess what your daughter will hear as her mom talks about her dad. It is my guess that you will take on almost mythical proportions. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Gramn, since you are in the middle of the battle, it is hard to see the end. And in some ways, there will never be an "end." Satan will always try to tear down your family. You will always have to be on guard, be watchful for "wolves." You will always have to look out for your wife, and see to it that she never again feels so alone and in need of someone to rescue her. God gave you the headship of the family. Not yoru wife. With that power, also comes responsibility. If the wolves get in due to your negligence, God will not hold your wife responsible. He will hold you responsible.

Forget a lot of this equality stuff out there. Sure, men and women are equal in so many ways. But we are different. She isnt a man with different plumbing. She NEEDS you. She has no way to protect herself from this...apart from Christ and you. And Christ will use the chain-of-command to get thru to her.

The question now is...do you trust Him? As I said before, this battle is about you, Gramn. It isnt about your wife. Your wife is being torn apart by the Enemy, and so is your family. As I was...you should be pissed off about that.

As Mimi said...it is all about "man up." There is no one on this planet that can save your family. No one. Not Dr. Harley. Not your wife. Not your daughter. Not me. No one...but you.

And now that we have put all of that weight on your shoulders...how do you feel? If I am guessing right...you actually feel good. Because men are made and built for times such as these.

In His arms.

MM - I'm going to copy this and post to FAR. Is that okay?

Sure!!

In His arms.

Thanks for the input (and for reading all of that Tightrope)

Right now Wife and OM are meeting to discuss things while I watch our daughter. This is not fair and disgusting. But, I don't mind further raising my daughter. (and I'll document it)

I just hope that the meeting goes "well" and they break up.

It is likely that no good will come of the meeting. Does the OMW know about it?

Yes, I told OMW about the meeting, but I don't know if she did anything about it.

Wife just came back and was more mad than sad, so I'm thinking that something is up, but she didn't talk to me about it. I think that she must still think that they are together, or there is still some chance or whatever.

It's all very troubling.

Y-guys wife probably gave him a hard time about them meeting. He is probably telling your wife to cool it. Otherwise I would think she would still be sad.

But who knows what goes on in their minds. But she is home very early, isn't she?

They met for about an hour. I don't know what was said, and dout that it was good, but I don't think they were having much fun in any case...

Gramn

Keep up the good work, you have been the tower of strength in your marriage.

Forget about OM loosing job, it was his actions that caused this. Given that the Y directors would have found out sooner or later, the Y directors would have made the same decision.

Dont feel guilty over this, these are his problems which will disappear from your life.

FreeAllAngels

Apparently, the Y's Board already knew about this guy's affair, but had decided not to do anything about it until I sent the letters. THen they decided to can him. (That is why I'm getting all of the bogus blame) "Oh, they already knew, but you FORCED them into firing him"... What crap...
-----------------------------------
I know that I've been trying to get things right here, but it all seems so hopeless. I'm feeling worse all the time, and my wife is "wanting to die". She called this morning, still crying and urging me to "fix this" and get the guy's job back.

You need to be a duck...and let her comments roll off as much as you can.

Of course she's feeling like this...remember we all told you that this is just like dealing with an addiction...and she's going through the withdrawls of it now.

It's going to take time, but if you can manage to get NC in place for a length of time (or if OMW can get it to happen at least) then she WILL eventually get out of her depression and anxiety. You need to safegaurd yourself and your daughter until she does.

Don't give in, quit feeling so darn sorry for the OM...he put himself into this position, not you. And don't take the blame for his getting fired...tell your W that all you did was make sure that the board knew what was going on. You had nothing to do with their choice in how to handle the situation, and you certainly didn't force OM to conduct himself in a manner that led him to be fired.

(IMHO...SHE has more blame for him getting fired than you do...SHE was the one who DID encourage him in conducting himself in a manner to get fired...not you.)