True to an extent. Saying ILY will be met with her not accepting it. What I was basically talking about was saying ILY and that IF you come back, I will be here for you. That I am willing to do whatever it takes to help recover our marriage IF you come back. That isnt pressure. That is giving her a choice.

Plan A is all about giving her a choice. Letting her see and hear the positives that she has forgotten about you. Making her hold you up and Y-Guy up and see what she has in you. She must constantly be told when she is saying "you dont love me or you wouldnt be doing this" or "you are killing me," that what you are doing is to save the marriage and your love for her. By repeating these messages, she will begin (over time) to see that your actions havnet been because of vindictfulness or revenge, but of a husband trying to save his family.

Again, you arent into ultimatums or pressuring her. Yo uare instead, into boundaries and giving her options.

In His arms.

Gramn, buddy, I'm noticing something here and it may just be me but, if this were my partner, it would drive me crazy. First, please understand, I am not saying this to offend you - I'm trying to help. You come across as a wimp when dealing with your wife. There, I said it. I can't stand wimpy men and your wife may be the same. It seems to me the minute you stand up to her, she backs down. Why is that? Is she seeking someone someone strong and decisive?

Just a thought.

BB

I left Wife a message on her cell phone a little while ago. I slipped up and said "I love you" when I hung up.

Well, when she called back she basically said, "How dare you say that! I don't love you and I'm not getting back with you! Last night the love of my life called and broke my heart and that does not mean that I am runnign back to you!"

I know that this all takes time, but ....

Gramn:

Unless your using this "calling" for OM as some type of carrot,
please PUT this Issue "to rest" and make it a NON ISSUE from here on out.

Just give her the Facts :
YOU (Gramn) are neither the HR department, the board, nor the BOSS at OM's workplace.

YOU do not Posses the "power" nor the [color:"blue"]Authority [/color] to HIRE nor FIRE anyone.

You were simply the bearer of information, to THOSE who do have that Responsibility .

After you spoke your peace, it IS out of your hands .......no matter which way it ultimately turned out.

Once you spoke up for the truth (and your M) .....it was entirely OUT OF YOUR Control (one way or the other).

Hey, there was NO guarantee that "anything" would be done to this OM even once you exposed.
Happens all the time.

Your just one of the fortunate (like me) that it did work for.

Remind her:
Just because your the instrument of exposer, doesn't mean you NOW have ANY [color:"red"]"say" [/color] in what happens in the aftermath.
Indeed, Be that outcome positive or negative (depending on your point of view of course)

What exactly are you supposed to say / do anyway? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Recant your ENTIRE Truthful story??

Come on:
So would your WW have given up the A and been willing to Bargain (If your exposer had born NO fruit for your cause)??
I think NOT!

I know you feel bad about the guy losing his job but why would you want to get it back for him. Nothing good can come of it. Sure they can "say it is over" but if you remember she denied it was ever happening in the first place.

Dont make this easy on them. Didnt Y guy supposedly say that he thinks they can work things out but if he has to relocate she wont take WW with him.

First of all that is probably a bunch of BS but why would you want to enable him to be around...it is giving your wife false hope and she will lie and do ANYTHING to cling to that.

It is over and unraveling and you just worry about your wife and your family.

"Last night the love of my life called and broke my heart and that does not mean that I am running back to you."

Oh, this is very good, Gramn. Very good.

Tight Rope- You've got a lot of good points there. These are all things that I've already talked with her about. It's not like I can even fire people at my OWN job! She is just clinging to straws, hoping that I could undo what "I" did...

When I talked to her today I made it clear... This is YGuy's fault. Whatever he had told the board, or not told the board about his actions, were what got him fired when compared to the truth of my letter. I said to her, if you want to know why he was fired, ask him what he told the people on the board. She wasn't willing to do that. (Possibly because she'd already been dumped)

---------------------------------------
OK, all of that aside...

Suppose she is telling the truth. He ended it. What do I do for Wife now? (Besides stay out of her way)

Let her grieve...there's not going to be much you CAN do for her at this point. But...also work your butt off to make sure that NC does happen...this is CRITICAL. Right now, they're likely to be 'on again, off again' for a while, while the affair is in it's death throes.

Don't be needy, but be as supportive as you can be for her. Let her know that you are there for her if she decides to work things out or if she needs anything. And just let her deal with her withdrawl. Don't let her do anything ELSE that would be hazardous to your marriage (no partying!), but give her some space to deal with her feelings. That's what I did...

Oh...and take care of your daughter!

Focus on keeping your DD in your home.

Let WW go if she wants to..without DD.

I am guessing she won't leave in the end...but there are no guarantees. It could still take time. If you are really lucky it will go like BObPures experience...it resolved sooner than many with his WW.

Pray. Fervantly...

I'm praying a lot, but it all looks pretty hopeless from here.

I know "logiclly" that it just takes time, but that is not easy to allow...

God's timing isn't always our timing.

I got on my knees and prayed lots of times. I believe in prayer.

Unfortunately, my ordeal went on far longer than many could or would stand.

I know it is hard to believe...(I have hope for your situation)... Overall what you've been doing seems to be working very well.

Quoting Trix:
[quote]
It really makes me mad and frustrated with you for even considering agreeing to a bargain to try and get Y-guys job back. That is just about the most ridiculous thing I've read. You really need to buck up here.

You sound so wimpy when you agree to help their A continue...which is just what she wants you to do. If you could only hear how stupid it sounds. Are you on the side of your M or the A...sometimes I wonder?

It seems like you feel incapable of really caring for and making the right decisions for your daughter....in spite of her mother's decisions. You need to secure some kind of day care options and free her to leave or make the choice to end her A and work on your marriage.

She really needs to feel the consequenses of her actions. I am so glad that Y-guy lost his job. I really hope he and his wife draw closer together because of it.

Please listen to MM and Mel...they have been giving you such good advice.

Gramn,

Of course she wont want to be with you now. She had this perfect little life going and you ruined it. She doesnt see how hurtfull it was to you and your daughter. It was getting her needs met at everyones expense.

Eventually she will realize this. It does suck to see her hit bottom and that is where she is at. She is so desperate to put things back together she will agree to everything that gives her the OM.

She probably feels disposable and used. This guy fills her full of promises and when it gets tough he bails. You will still be there. She will hate you for it, she will curse you for it, she will blame you for it, but ultimately she will probably fall in love with you again because of it.

When she begins to dig out of her hole you will be there...after all that was done you are still there. What strength, dedication, and security you can provide. In general a guys needs are simple...sex and praise. Women crave things on a much deeper level. Give it time and keep doing what you are doing. If you let her railroad you and dictate how things will be you dont look very strong.

Gramn...

Why does it seem so hopeless to you right now???

We've all told you that this is EXACTLY how your wife would react...she's following the script to a T.

It sounds as though the affair is ending, which is step number 1 in recovery. What is so hopeless about that?

You've been warned by a number of people here that your wife would react like this...and that this stage can/does pass. My wife HATED me for several days after her EA ended. And I think I heard that exact same phrase..."The love of my life is gone...".

Guess what...we're a year into recovery now.

STOP reacting to everything. You've been told that over and over...start listening to that advice.

If your wife follows the standard pattern, you'll see her in this 'hate' mode for several more days...and contact will likely continue sporadically, and OM will waffle back and forth as to whether or not the A is officially over. With luck, OMW will help put pressure on him to end it, which is all to the good for you.

For the next few weeks, concentrate on taking care of yourself and your daughter. Work however you have to in order to keep contact between OM and WW ended/to a minimum. Be there for her as best as you can, and meet whatever EN's you're able to(there likely won't be many right now).

Plan A is the order of the day...work to end contact, and work to make yourself a more desireable person to be with. That means quit whining, quit being needy, start taking charge (you handled those calls earlier VERY well, btw).

There is NO reason for you to feel hopeless now...unlike your wife, you know the script, you're armed with knowledge, and methods for dealing with things, and you've got the backup knowledge of a ton of people here who have been in very similar situation. The only ones who should be feeling hopeless right now are OM and WW...because the secret relationship they've shared is dying like a vampire exposed to the light of day.

I know logically that things are progressing, and I hear what everyone has to say, but from this POV, it's hard to see that. One one level, I get it, but on another I don't.




That is a great analogy.! ARGH! MELTING!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Gramm?? The affair is ended and you think the situation looks "hopeless???" Son, what ARE you smoking! Don't you realize what you have acheived here? You have effectively hastened the end of the affair, which was your ONLY hope and you are allowing her spitting fury to blind you to your success!

What is happening here is VERY HOPEFUL! You have effectively seperated the crack addict from the crack pipe. Do you expect the addict to kiss you for that? HELL NO! but once the effects of the crack wears off, sanity begins to roll back in and as your W withdraws from Yguy, she will start drawing back to you as long as you play your cards right.

Gramm, you don't see how victorious you really are. WE can all see it, but you can't for some reason. You are WINNING.

Thanks Melody. Like I said, I am glad to have made progress, and I do see things changing, which I know is good.

But mentally, it still seems really messed up. I guess I have to be patient, but that is really difficult.

Gramn

Brace yourself, as her fury could continue for a few weeks. The longer they are in contact, the longer her fury might last. But the heart of the affair (the secrecy) has been ripped out. It is dying as you read this. It will not die slowly, necessarily, though. It could take some time. Remember, their fantasy "love" castle was not built overnight. And even though it's now in flames, it will still NOT just die and your WW throw herself in your arms and you live happily ever after.

Now you stay on script. You love her. You WILL do the necessary things to save your marriage. You will be introspective and change those things about you that were NOT conducive to a good marriage, and keep them changed for the positive. You will avoid LoveBusters at all times. You will remain calm in the eye of a hurricane of fury for having brought the light of day to the affair.

All of Plan A actions are cumulative. No one thing you do makes a difference. It is the TOTAL of all the Plan A things you do that make a difference. You keep forgetting this is a marathon, not a sprint.

Continue to be firm in your plan, and forthright in speaking to your fogged out alien of a wife. Your words to her right now, as I posted a year ago to someone, are like throwing cotton balls at a crocodile. They are meaningless, at face value, but they are "adding up in her head". When she hits the bottom, when OM says "get lost" or she just realizes that the A was going nowhere, really, then she'll turn TOWARDS YOU. The rock, the strength, the high road, the lighthouse who has walked naked through the fire of hell to save the marriage.

You have some heavy MB hitters giving you the very best of advice. You have to believe! You are getting a crash course PHD in Marriage saving and Building. BELEIVE! You have seen how "scripted" all her reactions have been. BELIEVE what is being written to you in these forums and, perhaps more importantly, BUY IN to the program, and let the program work for you. Stifle the "doubting Thomas" in you that keeps you meek and in question of all the progress you have made.

Things are progressing according to plan. Roll with the progress and brace yourself for even more work that will have to be done. You may even find yourself holding and comforting your WW for her "loss", the loss of her "soulmate", before this is over. I know because I did it. I held her in my arms for 2 days while she cried over the loss of her affair partner!!!

Dig down deep within and gain the resolve to stay the course. No, it's not easy, it's not fun, and time drags on like it will never pass, but if you stay the course and follow the advice of these forums, you will have a much better than 50% chance of reconciling with your WW and you'll learn how to build a strong relationship and better marriage with her in the future.

Keep the faith,
Best wishes,
SD

Gramn - stand strong, brother. Have you read any of my plight?
I have reason for hopelessness. My situation IS hopeless. I am in a process that is likely to take YEARS to fix. IF A MIRACLE HAPPENS!!!

I fight right now for my kids. They deserve a whole family. Your child deserves a whole family.

I might hasten my family into separation. It feels hopeless. I wish I had started this fight a year ago, right after I found out about the first affair. But I had a lot to change in me. I thought that would be enough to draw her back. Now it is totally F'd up.

But I pray for a miracle. And I have faith that God can send a miracle.

Your situation is going by the book, and apparenty in record time. BY THE BOOK!!! Have you regretted doing any single thing that our guides have told you to do? Has one single move they have suggested been wrong? Listen to them, brother, and just let go of the feelings right now. You are doing a great job. You are inspiring me.

As I have said before - I am certain your marriage can survive. In a year, you might be the Mortarman or Bobpure here (so many others!!)

Thanks for sticking with it - chosing the right moves - inspiring me.

The only way I think you should help the OM is to call OMW and urge her to come to MB for support. You could save his family. His job is not important right now. Do not fall into that trap.

I will continue to pray for your situation.

Stand strong, brother.

Far

Thanks everyone.

Right now Wife is at the lawyers fileing papers to start divorce proceedings. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Well, I'll do my best at that stuff too. I've been documenting and I think that I'm at least sort of prepared for divorce stuff. It just stinks that we have to do this. Even if we ARE able to reconcile someday, this is a big waste of time and money. She is going into it in a bad frame of mind too...

As for my doubts, I express them HERE! Not to wife or other people. There is a difference.