I am sitting here in my office, unable to work, unable to think clearly, unable to function. I desperately want someone to talk to… someone who understands, someone who cares. The anger is so intense, the pain envelopes me, the questioning continues hour after hour, day after day… and now month after month. It seems impossible to rebuild what was torn down. I see my H, once strong and handsome, turn into a shadow of the man he once was. Pain grips us both, and yet we cannot turn to each other. I don’t know the reasons, but we seem to reach toward each other at the opposite times, never being in the same place at the same time, either physically or mentally. <P>I hesitate to write this because of the anger I fear will come from people like elixir, who don’t realize the pain that comes from the other side. But it is there. It is here.<P>I beg, I plead for my H to forgive me, to begin eating and taking care of himself. I look at myself in the mirror, and see a woman who has gone against everything she believes in, barely able to look into the eyes of the face I see. And some days, when I’m feeling stronger, I see the face of someone who has grown up a bit, who knows what she wants, and who is headed in the right direction.<P>But then there are days like today… long dark days, even though the sun shines, even though I have a H at home who is trying to love me, even though my world has crashed around my feet… these days haunt me. <P>I don’t want pity. I pity myself enough. I literally just came in from outside where I spent 15 minutes sitting, nearly crying as I sat against the building overlooking the valley. It’s beautiful out there. I wish I was out in it. I wish I wasn’t here. Here. The place where it all began. The place where the OM resides 5 days a week, just like me. The place where I gave my heart and soul to someone who wasn’t mine, nor I his. The place where a big hole holds my integrity - and I can’t retrieve it. Lost forever. I look up on my wall as I type. I see a picture of my H and me taken during our marriage renewal ceremony 7 yrs. ago. We look happy and healthy and really quite beautiful. And also up on the wall I see our children, our cats and my dog, poems and cards from friends and family, a pine cone I picked up outside and I even have a Bible on my desk, amazingly enough. They all seem like they’re from a lifetime away from here. Another life . <P>One thing on my wall that I love says this: "One day it will be possible to love not in my weakness but in my strength!" That is my goal. I look at it daily to remind myself that when I loved the OM it was in my weakness, not in my strength. I have to keep reminding myself of that. It is a daily struggle. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<BR>

Sheryl,<P>Of course you know you won't get anger from me. Only empathy for your plight! I wish I had some actual honest to goodness advice to give you...<P>BTW, you know, I wasn't trying to chastise you the other day about your post on your hubby's thread. Just a gentle reminder... <P>How is it like at home when you're alone with your husband? Do you sit together? Cuddle? Do you show affection? Does he? Or are you both too much in pain to do that? Does he draw away from you? Do you draw away from him? If he draws away from you, how do you react? With bitterness? Or with understanding?<P>I'm trying to understand why it is you guys are so far apart even though you both want it to work so desperately...<P>--andy<BR>

as you know, my dearest airheart, my H and I aren't home together hardly at all. He comes home when I'm in bed, the mornings are seven to ten minutes together before we head off to work. On the weekends, little cuddling, little hand holding, but mostly frustration and pain. I don't know what the answer might be...<P>BTW, I didn't take offense at what you said, and replied with a heartfelt apology. I felt like a fool. Never worry about telling me like it is... you and me are buds...<P>Hugs, Sheryl<P>------------------<BR>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<BR>

Dear Sheryl,<P>Did you read this months' newsletter? There is a hyperlink to the article Steve Harley wrote, and maybe your husband and you can go over it together. We are going to discuss it tonight - I'm not sure if we are at a point where we are going to try and move forward or take a break from our life together.<P>You have been so lonely and have been trying to rebound without having your lovebank filled up. I think it is time you start thinking about the quality time with your H, and tell him that he needs to make that time with you count.<P>I think you need to make some deposits there also. Maybe if you both start getting your lovebank filled up, this sadness will be easier to handle.<P>What is your most important emotional need? And what is his? Make a plan to fill it.<P>God Bless You. I always look forward to your posts.<BR>

Sheryl,<P>Yeah, I knew you don't see him much during the week. So let's concentrate on the weekends...<P>From what you said in my "frustrating" thread, it sounds like your husband pulls away when you try to show affection or something (the "fake it til you make it" thing). Is this true? He thinks it's fake and therefore doesn't want to do it? And how do you react when he pulls away? Of course I'm sure you feel hurt. But how do you act to your husband... Any lovebusting? I dunno, I'm just trying to get a feeling here as to how it is in your house besides the general "pain and frustration" thing.<P>Trustntruth is right that you have to make the times with your hubby count. Of course, he has to try to do the same thing. And it sounds like he's still battling his depression. I think the biggest hurdle for both of you is to first deal with his depression. I know from experience that a person can't do anything while depressed. Unfortunately, that's your husbands call, really... Hello - 3wishes!! Are you reading this?<P>But in the meantime, Sheryl, there are things you can do, mainly meeting whatever needs you know he has (I know he hasn't communicated too much on that front), and not love-busting, and being PATIENT! You gotta realize that while he's depressed like this, he's not going to respond to you. So you can't expect anything back. Does that make any sense?<P>--andy<P>

New Begining<P>Have a lot of patience with your husband.<BR>Do not put presure or time limit on him forgiving you.<BR>Hopefully you both will get to a point where you can talk openly to each other about what led to your affairs.<P>You both have a great opportunity to grow, heal, and build a marriage that is far better than it was before. Just realize its going to take time.<P>How is the spiritual side of yourself?<BR>That is an area I have been working on myself, seems to help.<P>How did you deal with your husbands emotional affair? <P>Did you forgive soon after you found out?<P>What led you tp your affair?<P>Was it to get back at your husband for what he had done? Or was it to make yourself feel better about yourself?<P>I disclosed affairs I had over the last twenty years of our marriage to my wife 4 years ago.<P>We have been stuck the last four years. Myself wondering wether my wife was going to stay or leave, would she be able to ever forgive me? <BR>She didn't know if she could ever trust me again, or even love me again.<BR>She has forgiven me for all but two, people that were close to her. She has said she can forgive me for the sex act, but not for the people I chose.<P>My wife and I are separated and in divorce mediation for the past five months.<BR>She is involved with a man 30, my wife is 43.<P> I am trying to figur out if she is trying to get back at me, or just trying to regain her self esteem?<P>Sometimes I think she is having a midlife crisis. Two years ago she died her hair blonde, started working out, going to the bar, trying to look 18 and act younger.<BR>It seems like she is trying to relive her youth. We got married when she was eighteen. Over the years she said she wished that she had lived away from home for a couple years prior to getting married.<P>I can understand some of what my wife is doing because I have been there. Some things she is doing I can't understand, and I don't thinkl she can either. They go totally against her beliefs, as she told me. She has said its time to take care of herself and her needs.<P>Any thoughts?<P><BR>

Oh yeah, and for heaven's sake, Sheryl, don't call me "my dearest airheart"... we don't want anyone getting the wrong idea here!! <LOL>

Hi NB -<P>I'm so sorry that you both are just too sad and overwhelmed to move ahead at the moment.<P>I think you have gotten great advice for steps in that direction from folks.<P>The only thing I could think of is along the lines of using the weekends more effectively.<P>What do you two usually do on the weekends? <P>Do you stay around the house? Do chores or errands? If so, do you do them together? Do you have any recreational activities together?<P>I'm sure with working such long hours all week that 3 wishes is probably exhausted (especially with this emotional duress on top of that) so can I assume that he just relaxes at least for one of the two days?<P>Fill me in!!!<P>You both need to take a breath of fresh air - at least a little bit each day!!<BR>You can start by getting a smile or a chuckle out of each other a couple of times on the weekends......<P>I know that you may not feel like it and that thinking of things that are "fun" might not be something either one of you are up for, but NB you guys HAVE to lighten the load a little!! Even for a few minutes to start with.<P>We'll help you think of things to do. Don't know if there are things that you both used to do for fun that would still have that effect or not. One thing that<BR>I have discovered is that the more you dwell or try to force the harder it is to accomplish.<P>Maybe you can bring H to see that beautiful view on the weekend!!! Yeah, might be hard (work is a sorrowful place?) but would also bring him into the mix instead of being outside of it.<BR>Does that make sense to you?<P>Maybe find a view of your own that you both discover - say you just go for a long ride to places you have not explored......<P>I hope that this can help you two some, I really hate seeing you both so miserable and yet longing for each other's touch (either emotionally or physically or both!!)<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

New_beginning<P>My story is so much like yours, except that I am just further along behind you. The OM still tells me that I am all he ever wants. It is so hard to hear these words. He has been separated from his wife for 5 months and they have finally gotten to the point that he moved back home tonight tonight. He says it is to show her that it will never work. He said that he is so sad and feels as though he has lost. It is so sad to think about. I have had such a down day. it is so depressing to know that tonight he will be there. But yet, I know that the right thing to do is to work on my own marriage and hope that his marriage is healed as well.<P>I just wanted to let you guys know that you have really helped me a lot. I look for your posts because I know how similar our situations are. I never post, but am so sad tonight that I needed the encouragement.<P>

Well...<P>airheart, I'll refrain from the nice names... so I guess I'll call ya something like "my friend who I sorta like, but not 'like that'" LOL<P>Blue and Sheeba, thing is, he never ever ever stops long enough to get ahold of. He is a workaholic, for real, and the added stress has kept him busier than before. This weekend we'll try to get some time in together, the next weekend he'll be gone taking his mother home (400 miles away), and then we begin another month. We both want to work it out, it's true, but there is SOOOOO much pain, so much that I don't know which way to turn. Working with the OM is killing me in a million ways too. I will elaborate in my answer to Susan below. <P>Susan, I thought I was through the OM withdrawls and was patting myself pretty heartily on the back. Then my H and I had a setback, a BIG one, as you know, and going to work and seeing the OM daily has become a chore of huge magnitude. The OM is, of course, concerned about me because he sees me looking terrible (although I try to keep a stiff upper lip!) and I'm on the constant verge of tears. My H keeps calling me at work and I usually end up in tears. It's awful. And he (my H) knows (because I am so honest) that I have begun to long for the feelings that went with the affair. I KNOW how terrible that makes me sound, but I miss how I FELT. It's that emotional needs thing. The OM met the needs, my H did not, and still doesn't. I have been very strong so far, and I don't intend on running back to the OM at all, but I want to feel important, and loved, and special. I feel like I'm falling in a deep pit. I want to leave everything. <P>There was a time when I thought we could get through everything. Three weeks ago I had the last strong surge of "we can do this". Unfortunately, my H did not share the surge. Instead, he went out looking for someone else. That killed me, whether I deserved it or not. I have no idea anymore if we'll make it. I am willing to hang in there, and so is my H. But we are truly hanging by a thread. Truly. <P><P>------------------<BR>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<BR>

Hi Sheryl-<BR>You and I don't know each other although I have been here for about a month mostly reading other peoples posts. I am not good with words but my heart is as big as the ocean. I feel for you terribly. May I share with you something a friend taught me-and it truly works for me even in my worst moments. She says when things get really bad she asks herself "How could this be worse". There is always an answer to that. It makes my troubles seem not quite as large as they were before I stopped to think "what could be worse".. You see..........we are alive, we are hopefully healthy and honest to God as hard as it may seem we need to believe that one day we will be HAPPY again.<BR>My H loves me-course he was the betrayer with my best friend-but I think about their affiar 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I hurt so bad, I ache so much. It consumes me and H doesn't understand. He can't talk about it-he feels way too much embarrassment and shame. he wants me to forget. But tell me how can I forget that I was betrayed not once but twice. But.........as much hurt as there is I still have to admit that the shining sun and my family and pets and all keep me going. I know that there is a life to live left for me-and if I hurry I can enkoy it much sooner. <BR>I think my dear friend that you might be just trying too hard. CAn you somehow find soemthign to preoccupy you? Is there soemthing that you would like to do-such as start scrapbooking your family photos? That is so much fun and what a way to rememebr the good old days. I feel you are too cinsumed with guilt and so full of your own hurt that you are destroying yourself. <BR>Go hug that H of yours-tell him you love him, then go to bed and sleep. Tomorrow is a new day-one that you can enjoy!!!!<P>I pray for you to heal quickly - I can feel your pain <P>Hugs to you and your H<P>*heartache*

Sheryl,<P>Reminds me of something from that TV show "The Wonder Years"... You don't like me like me, you just like me... <P>Well, I hope you have a good weekend with your hubby!! Just concentrate on having fun! <BR>3wishes -- have a good weekend!<P>--andy<BR>

Sheryl,<BR> I just wish my W could of felt like you.At least you pulled yourself back up from doing something that was wrong,and tried to make things right.Don't be too hard on yourself.You see how you hurt your spouse,mine doesn't even care.It's almost as if she's posessed by the devil.Her mother wanted her to start reading the Bible,and she told me"What on earth for?"as if she had done nothing wrong.She hurt everybody who's ever loved her. So don't beat yourself up.You're here,aren't you? You know you did wrong,and you're trying.You seem reasonable and intelligent.I only wish my W was.Things will get better.Time will heal.Integrity comes back.You have helped me to understand in some of my posts.I want you to understand that you have a lot of courage to try to rebuild your marriage,and not just run away from it like others have.Don't give up!<BR> --Murph

NB you guyus really need to stop trying so hard for a bit, and just make an effort to relax together. Weekends are fine. Just try not to think about the anything but spend some relazing time together. What did you guys used to do to relax? Play a game of chess, or go for a stroll in the park, or just sit together watching a good program on t.v ( if you can find any ). DOn't try to make things better, just try to enjoy each others company. The only way to get unstauck is to try a new approach, obviously the one you're using is not working ( hey, I got stuck so many times, I thought I would never be able to get out of it time for a different approach... and another... until it started working )<BR>You are both in so much pain at this moment, that anything you do comes attached to it no matter what. That's what you have to try to avoid.<BR>ALso, if 3wishes is having trouble with the touching part back of a bit, there's so many other ways to touch. Try to reconnect touching your minds first, or by doing and acnowledging nice things you do to each other.Is there any thing that you can help him with in his work? I started helping my H with his part-time job. It's funny but just by working together, side by side, not eventalking we did reconect much more than inother ways. Maybe you can help him with paper work, or sorting things out, or just listen to him , are there things that are worrying regarding work? funny things that happened? Deadlines to meet? this kind of stuff.If in your pain and felings of loneliness, you put his need to work hard in between you guys, things will get stuck again, but if you are there right beside him maybe some results com come out of it.Plus he will feel your interest and that will help too.<BR>talk to each other and give yourselves some minutes a day of just try to find something that you'll enjoy doing together without any thoughts about your problems. It can be done.<BR>But above all, stop trying so hard, find a new direction, a new way of showing him that you really meant it.<BR>And 3 wishes, if you're reading, make an effort to open up to your wife's efforts, it's obvious you guys love each other, find in yourself to concentrate on what can be done to make it better. Both of you are feeling miserable and it doesn't have to be that way. give it a chance <BR>Take care both of you, and see that glass half full <BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

NB, after reading your response I remember your story from a long time ago, maybe from before your affair and after husbands? The part that tipped me off was the drive to take MIL back.<P>Okay, so that shed so much light on this situation. <P>Did you read that newsletter? It sounds to me like the main thing you guys need to do is fill up each other's emotional lovebanks. I really really mean it. And with your husband doing the workaholic thing, and taking care of MIL's needs with no resolution to that situation, it seems like the conflict is not going to go away - but with a full lovebank - those little things like time away from each other, lonely nights and unresolved conflict - can make your marriage worth all the trouble.<P>I am really glad that you are getting some quality time with your husband, and think that this is the best breakthrough you've had for sooooo long. I do believe you are on a turning point on this voyage called marriage.<P>TNT