gramn,

Just a quick note of encouragement to you... when my fww was 'off on her own' (which really meant engrossed in her A) - I asked her what we were supposed to be doing during this time 'apart'? She was like, what do you mean? I said, well, are we supposed to be dating people and stuff? As in, am I supposed to be out dating people?

You should have heard the anger come seething through the phone and text messages...rofl. She was furious that I would suggest such a thing..how dare I consider even talking to another woman (while she was thoroughly enjoying her affair)..... realization that I would probably end up with another lady fairly quickly - I am fairly attractive and have a decent salary, so, I have some respectable 'market value' (rofl, whatever any of that means).

Anyways, the point was, she knew if I saw someone else, the odds went up significantly that I wouldn't tolerate any more of her crap...and I might start to develop 'feelings' for that other person, and then she'd have no place to really fall back to when her fling was over. It's not a good feeling in the grand scheme, but ultimately, it was a shining example of plan b's effect.

You can do it. A part of me wishes I had gone to plan b. I think down the road, you are going to be thankful you did...I have a feeling it does wonders for your confidence.

Gramn:

I have been in Plan B for a week now. One of the hardest things I have ever had to do was asking my husband to leave our home. I know it was the right thing to do though.

I will keep you in my prayers as you make your decision.

Does anyone have the link to Mortarman's Plan B thread. I would be interested in reading this. Thanks!!!

Good luck, Gramn!

Thanks for the support, I steel feel like my marriage is doomed, but it is appreciated:

Tonight WW invited me to come and spend time with our DD. (It is her weekend to spend with the girl) I showed up and played with DD for a little while, while WW worked on putting together a photo album that includes pictures with me and other family members of my family in them... I took DD home and WW met us there a little later to go out to dinner.

While at home, she picked up her mail which I'd saved for her... leading to a discussion of me "snooping" through her mail. (Which I have NOT been doing) She was all paranoid accusing me of talking to OMW. I said that if that is true she is probably still in contact with OM. She said that my "responses" make her think I was in contact with OMW. --At the time this whole conversation just pissed us both off. But looking back an hour or two later, I think we are both just paranoid of each other. She feels like if she tells me anything that I will use it against her. I think she must be lying, whether she is or now. Maybe she is still in contact? Some evidence seems to indicate that she is not, but I don't know what to think any more...

Oh and check out this: She said that she gave some guy at a bar her number! And can't wait until this Divorce is final... Whether Plan B works or not this is driving me crazy. Who is this person??

I ended up taking DD to dinner with a friend instead of WW...
And RookKev, WW jokingly suggested that my friend and I SHOULD try to meet some ladies when we were going out later... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

MM...oh if I only had this place as a resource back in early 2003!!

Gramn...When my xw and I divorced I did everything wrong. She wanted to "be my friend"...I wanted more...and after a brutal 60 day period I knew that I needed to separate myself...PLAN B.

I picked up boys by blowing horn
I was very brief when discussing boys and if she went anywhere else it was not even acknowledged...even the "How are you?"
I went about my life:
got my finances in order
decorated my new home, including painting entire interior
upgraded new homes electrical, HVAC, etc.
traveled on my weekends to see family
and with some time I dated (I WAS DIVORCED - N/A for you in plan B)

Now, understand that I knew nothing of this place..and MB. I found this place after we began to try and reconcile and she confessed...but I now know that if I had agreed to her separation and done a Plan B it would save me a ot of money and heart ache. See MM is right. You won't lose her because of Plan B...you win her back in Plan B. It's hard...VERY hard...and she will be the one that constantly challnges you to break Plan B. Trust me it will happen. Stay here for support....and as always good luck...

Thanks Sendme. I hadn't thought of her challenging my "Plan"... But I guess it makes sense. If I have control of NOT contacting her, then she will be annoyed/frustrated, at least on SOME level...

WW called me this morning (so I could say good morning to DD) She wants to have lunch or dinner together tomorrow so we can talk. I would, most days, think of that as a sign of progress. But now, I can only imagine that she has BAD things to say...
Either:
She and OM are back together
or that she needs me to "Accept" this and move on
or that she wants something else...

I know that may sound like a negative attitude, but at this point that is all she displays...

Well, I was right to be worried...

WW took me out to dinner to tell me that She and OM are back together as of 2 days ago!
She and OM planned to tell me and OMW at the same time that they are going to start dating each other and be in the open about it. (Apparently OM and OMW have decided to divorce) They've already told their families etc. WW's conditon to take him back was that it was not an affair, but a real relationship, out in the open. She still does not trust him, because of his crappy treatment of her earlier, but she wants to give him a chance to win her trust back.

So, I'm at dinner listening to this [email]CR@P[/email] and thinking what the ****** do you want from me, my blessing?? I said that I respect her being honest, but that was about it. This is going to be bad...

I know that nothing I can say at this point will make her wake up and see what a mistake she is making, but we talked anyway.

She's saying that I'm crazy and bitter and that I should accept this... I said that sooner or later she will realize what a mistake she is making... She thought I was wishing her ill will or something.

Well, as for what I do about this, nothing really changes. I'll still be starting my Plan B this week. I just feel a LOT [censored] about life than I did before. I should call a friend or something, but I feel too much like crap right now.

"She thought I was wishing her ill will or something."

What did she expect you to say?? Great!!! Good luck!!

My opinion is that she probably has been semi nice to you lately prepp <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />ing you for tonight!! So you will be nice to her during the divorce and leave her and the OM more for their marriage!!

Gramm-

I am so sorry to read this. I will not try to advise you as I do not know which way you should go in this circumstance. I think you have done a great Plan A, so I would not be surprised if the vets think you should now go to Plan B. Gramm, I truly admire you. You have done so much with so little in return. You are amazing and I think your WW should thank her lucky stars she has you.

Take care. I know you are hurting terribly. D-days hurt everyone so much. That was one of the hardest things for me when I came out of the fog...realizing I had made my H hurt as much as I was hurting. Neither of us deserved that and neither do you.

Gramm:

Start to looking out only for yourself and your child. Go to Plan B and don't be her friend. Avoid her and make her pay a price for her actions. Call the OM's W and tell her what you have heard. Put pressure on every front you can. Take no prisoners. Expose her to everyone you can. Do not be her firend. Sorry about your pain.

TooSoon

Gramm, now we know why she didn't want you to contact the OMW, it would have ruined their little plan. Why not call the OMW and have a chat?

In the meantime, don't agree to be her "friend" and let her know that you do wish GREAT ill will upon her affair, as it is destroying your marriage and your D's family. Plan on going to Plan B as soon as possible, Gramm.

p.s. make sure you tell her that getting her affair out in the open will not make it something else; an affair is still an affair. And affairs are immoral.

Thanks people.
I just got off of a long phone conversation with MM. He helped me work through this some...

I'll be going to plan be soon. (Probably tuesday)
I'd do it TODAY, but I need time to get everything planned out. At this point, I think I almost HAVE to plan B. I can't stand this any more...

Gramn,

I hope our talk tonight on the phone helped. Call me anytime.

One thing I saw here:


Response? "Honey, why would I accept this when God does not accept it?"

As we talked about, you need to go to Plan B immediately, get youru ducks in a row, expose the continued affair...and even more importantly stay on script. Call a spade a spade. The affair should always be referred to as immoral, sleazy, sinful, not in God's will, hurtful, etc. Never normalize that affair. That is what they are trying to do. That is why she said that they were getting it out in the open...so that people will accept the unacceptable.

Dont accept it!!

Time for Plan B...get your letter done tonight and deliver to her tomorrow.

We will be here for you. This is far from over.

In His arms.

Gramn, I am so sorry to hear your news.

If you're comfortable with it, you can post your B letter here and we can offer suggestions.

We are all wishing you the best.


slh

I'm too mentally exhausted to make the lettr tonight.
I will work on it right away thouhg.

I want to show it to my councilor guy tuesday then I will put it into effect.

So Sorry Gramn... sorry for your pain, sorry your W is so deep in the fog. My suggestion is the same... Plan B. Go so very dark that she'll think you fell off the earth. Compose the letter, give it to her within a week, make sure what you need of her is clear and fall completely out of sight. Set a minimum of like 45 to 60 days so she cannot set eyes upon you or hear from you in any way. Let the OM fill all her needs, and as importantly, give yourself a huge break from the drama.

Find a new hobby, or projects around the house, or whatever suits you to keep your hands and mind occupied. Detach from the drama, and work on you, and what might be the rest of your life without your WW. If she comes around and emerges from the fog, great, she does so on your terms. If not, you are in preparation for the next step as you see fit to do it.

Go dark, dark, dark.... Plan B with a vengence!

Best wishes,
SD

Got that Plan B letter ready yet? Be sure protect your finanaces as much as possible. OM will be needing to pay child support and divorce costs.

I give your wife a tiny, tiny bit of credit for being truthful. She probably knew you would find out, but my WH continued to lie even when it was obvious that they were living together.

Gramn,

So sorry to hear this unfortunate news. I imagine your sick of hearing the "you can do its" and "hope is just around the corner" but Plan B could still work. This is a setback but at least with Plan B you can begin to move on with your life absent this drama and you hopefully won't have to endure anymore "in your face" painful moments like todays.

Now the lawyer in me comes out. Depending on what Mortarman has to say and your State laws, I wonder if you can or should consider discussing with your attorney obtaining a restraining order against OM. He should be kept away from your daughter. It would certainly complicate their relationship as WW works then has daughter. It would limit their time together, bring real life to their relationship and keep him away from your daughter. If they violate the order it will also look bad on WW in the final custody dispute. Perhaps OMW would be interested in getting one against your wife as well. Sorry if my timing is bad on this advice I just want to help you so badly.

As far as taking on sole custody. I, myself, was overwhelmed considering it. I would have won custody easily. My FWW affairee lived 750 miles away in Georgia. If she left me for him she would have had to leave my daughter in Michigan to be with him in Georgia (he was never ever going to move here). I was scared but I was certain it would be in the best interests of my daughter. I would have shared parenting eventually but on my terms. Perhaps summers with her mom; but, I would have not wanted OM around her for quite some time. I beleive your wife's conduct precludes her as a fit parent right now and will forever damage your daughter. If you can manage custody in any way you should go for it. This should not be considered out of revenge; but, based on the fact you believe you are the better parent. You can always change your mind later when the dust settles or merely share your custody with her.

IMHO, regret will eventually set in. One month or 5 years later every WS realizes that no matter how far they run from their problems....there they are.

I wish you well and peace as you move into Plan B. At least now she won't be lashing out against Plan B. At first, she may think it is a golden idea. However, as their relationship evolves in the light of day, it will have it's ups and downs and she will hopefully begin to miss you and your family together. Maybe OM as a divorcee will want to play the field instead of just being with now- to-complicated WW.

My final point is a lot of things can happen. But Plan B is not about hope, it's about moving forward with your life. Who is Gramn? Beside WW, what are your priorities in life...what do you want out of life? You've done what you set out to do and should be proud of your efforts. Whether this works out or not you have endured this possible tragedy with your integrity intact. Now is not the time to sulk. Deliver your Plan B with conviction. Of course, you can hope it achieves its desired result on its own but either way you will no longer have to endure the constant fretting over all the details.

All my best - my wife and I will include you in our prayers.

Mr. Wondering

This also explains why your wife took so long in withdrawal.

{{{Gramn}}}