UVA is correct. There was no need to tell her about the halloween costume. I know, I know. You wanted her to know about it or make sure she knew that daughter already had a costume. Solution? Have a notebook that goes in yoru daughter's bag where you "journal" the things your wife needs to know about daughter. Example entry: 10/16/05...daughter, grandma and I made Halloween costume for daughter." No more explanation is needed.

My wife was livid several times after she moved out with the things me and the kids did together that she was not party to. Like my dughter coming to me to ask about the "birds and the bees." I had already done my older son about two years previous. I had always thought my wife would do so with my daughter. But my daughter did not trust my wife and added to that, she wasnt even there. why would a woman committing adultery be the right pick for teaching our daughter about sex? So, I sat my daughter down with some books I picked up from the library and discussed th biology of it, and then the religious and ethical parts of sex, marriage etc. Did I tell my wife? Nope...not directly. Between my daughter telling her and a log I kept, my wife found out. She called and left a message, POed that this was done without her and threatening legal action, etc. But what really could she do? She had left, our family was still operating without her. And things needed to be done.

Gramn, you need to be darker. Your family is operating without her because she has chosen not to be a part of it. You only need to forward issues of medical attention and major, life-changing issues. That's it. By doing a daughter journal, your wife will get the smaller issues by reading it...and her adding to it.

There is no need to include your wife in your activities. You said you are havign limited contact. I can bet that much of that contact is not needed, just as this thing about the costume was unneeded. You are in Plan B and she is committing adultery. Until that changes, she deserves very little.

In His arms.

Good points. I'll try that notebook idea.

Not as much to post about when I'm doing this plan B stuff...

I'm going along having as little contact w WW as possible. Some days I do better than others, but I just keep at it.

But, i suppose less "drama" is good, right?

Right!! This is that lull I promised you. This is where you get to take a deep breath and calm down and get your feet under you for the first time since D-Day. Use this time as such. Because I can also promise you that this lull is not the end. It is just the eye of the storm.

In His arms.

Gramm,

Less drama is very good which equals less stress on you which equals happy easy going Gramm. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

k

Which is more attractive to women...

t/j..hi WST!! How are you?

Ok, Gramn back to you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I finally have a second car seat lined up now. I should get it tomorrow.

I finally have a second car seat lined up now. I should get it tomorrow.

Wonderful!

So how are you doing, Gramn?

slh

Eh, I'm getting by.

I realize that I am much less tempted to talk to WW when I don't see her. So, finding ways to avoid being arouund her is my best bet.

Good job, Gramm!

An update:

Well, I've been getting by trying to do other things and not talk to WW any more than necessary. I'm getting a little better at it. I got a carseat so that will be easier.
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Our divorce pre-trial is set for Dec. 27th. Merry christmas to me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

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Well, yesterday she came to the house to drop off our daughter & get some kitchen stuff.

I should have left the room or something, but I was playing w DD and was within earshot, so WW started talking, of course.

Most of the stuff she said I didn't respond to at all. Or I said "I can ask my lawyer" or something else vague.

She said some interesting stuff though, that I am tempted to respond to, (but won't)

She now realizes that our relationship problems were my fault too, not just her own issues. (This is no news to me, but still interesting) In the past, she'd said that I was a great husband but she didn't love me any more...

She also said that she missed having me as part of her life and was thinking about what she could have done differently and all that. (But she is saying that she misses me as a friend. She does not currently consider working on our relationship.) I responded to that that I am interested in working to be her husband, but not her "buddy"...

I'm sure I'll get "slapped" for talking to her at all, but I thought I'd mention it...

Nice Plan A. Where's the Plan B? Plan B is NO CONTACT. You have had your wife right in the best spot for Plan B, and so far, you have spared her the fall. She is being eased down instead of landing as a thud and feeling the pain. ANY talk with you fills her need for you. So, discussing this stuff means that you have wasted several weeks and have gained nothing. You still are not in Plan B. She has still not felt Plan B. By her actions, she does not respect you, nor your boundaries. And a woman does not love a man she does not respect.

So, I say again...when are you going to start Plan B? And dont tell me about your daughter and having to interact with your wife. I was there also, remember? You do not have to interact with her. And you DEFINITELY do not have to sit i na room and talk with her. Appropriate response when she walked in the room and began speaking? Well, continue to play with your daughter, ask your daughter is she would like to go get an ice cream or something...and then jsut walk out without saying a word. Not ONE word. Not where you are going. Not "I'll ask my lawyer." NOTHING.

Gramn, you are enabling her. You are helping her be with the OM and divorce you. You are the one now doing damage to your marriage.

If you want your marriage to be saved, Gramn...if it has any chance to make it...I would get to start Plan B today...before it is too late.

In His arms.

Gramm, if you really want to save your family and M, start Plan B. If not, continue doing what you are doing. Learn to differentiate short-term gain/gratification from long-term cost. Your present course of actions, notwithstanding the payoffs you get from them, will cost you any chance you may have of saving your M. If not for you, give your DD a chance of having her family saved. Start Plan B and stop making excuses.

Gramm,

I don't think you are surprised with the replies you are getting so far.

You said it yourself: I realize that I am much less tempted to talk to WW when I don't see her.

Please do what you need to do, even though it might not be easy.

Hi Gramn,

"When are you going to start plan B?" You've been asked that a dozen times.

There's an adage that goes something like, "If you have to ask the same question 3 times, you're asking it wrong, or the person you're asking doesn't understand the question."

You're a nice guy Gramn - too nice. Harden up. You set boundaries didn't you? - Adhere to them. Your WW keeps stepping over your lines in the sand, and you continue to be nice, boundary bending, Gramn.

Let me try the question above a different way:

"Gramn, are you trying to wean your WW off of you or bring her to realize the consequences of her actions?"

WW needs something? - What happened to notebook transfer with DD? NO talking necessary. WW doesn't get Gramn fix, Gramn puts box of stuff out in garage. Done.

Have a plan for different situations READY BEFOREHAND Gramn. Consider all the situations where you could possibly interact and play it through in your mind. What are you going to do:
- the next time she calls?
- the next time she's expectantly/unexpectantly at the front door?
- the next time you see her at the grocery store?
- the next time she talks in your presence?
- etc., etc.

Wouldn't life be a little less stressful if you had some plan ready beforehand to maintain non-contact? Plus, it's very rewarding for you when you successfully carry out your plan and stick to your boundaries.

Get strong. Stay strong.

Good luck,

YS

Edited typo - YS

Good post Yourshoes. I think it's easy to set up these things in my mind, but a LOT harder for me to execute.

I was thinking that maybe if I keep a log of how well I do it would help me stick to it.

For Example: Tuesday, said "Bye" when I dropped DD off".
Saying "Bye" might not be a big deal by itself, but it will help me see what I do...

How about doing this? Get a log and write the following on every page: NO CONTACT. And then follow it.

Why is she coming in the house and taking stuff? How about confining all talk to email and only about DD's arrangements? And if she wants something from the house, she can contact the attorney, who can then contact you?

Gramm, I will say this again: women do not respect men they can run over. And they do not love men they do not respect. Quit being her boy, Gramm.

I was thinking about all of this contact stuff, and realized that I have been doing a pretty good job. Sunday was a setback, of course. But besides taht I have not talked to her in a while. I'm not sure when it was.

Of course, I do need to stop it alltogether...

Yes you do. Even saying "bye" is one word too many.

In His arms.