My husband found out about my affair 2 weeks ago, left me and filed for divorce. We have been married over 12 years. I have never thought in a million years that I would be in this nightmare.

I do not know what to do? I want my husband and have no feelings at all for the OM.

Has anyone ever been in this situation? Did the spouse ever come around. Please advise. He won't even take my calls.

Hello leslie,

Welcome to MB although I am sorry you are here under these circumstances.

Listen,this whole entire site is full of people on both sides of adultery.More betrayed spouses(BS) than wayward spouses(WS) but rest assured,if you are truly here for help,you will find it.You have already taken two steps in the right direction: you came here for help and you have no feelings,and presumably called it off,with the OM.

So,hang in there while I call out the troops from over on the GQII Board and I am sure other's will be along here too from this one.

We are here for you.I'll be back to post more in a bit.Take it easy now.

O

Thanks I need all the help I can get. I am through with OM!

Does anyone have any suggestions of how I can stop this freight train!!!!!!!

You might try posting your story over on the General Questions II area....it tends to get a lot more traffic, and you'll probably get a lot more responses there my friend.

You may not want to here what I am going to say, but I will say it anyway.
What did you think his response would be after he found out you schucked your panties for someone else?
You just gave him the right to take the path he is taking!You never thought you would be in this nightmare? Really!
Have no feelings for the other man? Why yank down your drawers for him then?
Was the affair over when he found out or did it cause you to end it?
Normally I would say read and read and read this site to turn this marriage around and save it if possible. That will be totally up to your husband though.
Here is a different path.
Go to the forum here and read the destruction of your and others actions have brought upon those rhey "Loved". This will tell you where your husband is at right now.
Give him some space and hope he will have been able to process everything long enough to want to talk to you. Get ready for the sad truth that this may be it for you also. Read about plan A and try to reverse it to fit your situation. Go over to the GQII board and post for advise there.
Good Luck!

Sorry, BKarl, but I find your post to be the not quite so compassionate sort of thing for a person in trauma. You could have offered help to this person without the subtle(although, not so) insults.

I am sorry you are on your side of the equation around here. I don't think that being the BS gives you the right to insult people.

Let me guess. Your statements will be shielded with "I told the truth didn't I?" Maybe so, but an ounce of compassion is worth quite a bit around here.

No - I ended it before he found out. OM did not fill my emotional needs.........I have never cheated on anyone my whole life

leslie. Post in General Questions II and talk to folk over there. The normal purpose for this section is the betrayed spouse that just found out. You are the wayward spouse. I didn't just find out. You have known all along about the affair. So post a thread on the other section(it is a busier place anyway) and seek the help there.

Hope you continue to post and search for answers

Hi Leslie, Welcome to MB. I hope you read patriots link to his welcome for WS. It has very useful information in there. Please don't be scared off but as a WS you will get some anger directed at you from BS's. They are hurting so please understand that up front. I am both a FWS and a BS. My A was over for a long time before my H found out. I should have told him myself and will always regret that. Unfortunately my M is in the D process because of my H's 3 affairs.

What can we do for you? Have you picked up a copy of Surviving an Affair? You may also want to look at Torn Assunder, I personally found this book to be extremely helpful for both the WS and BS. Give your H some space and in the meantime get thy self into IC (individual counseling)to find out why you had an A. Make all the necessary changes to YOU that show your H that you are not the same person that betrayed him. Make those changes permanantly for your personal growth, I promise you no matter the outcome in your M you will be glad you worked on you. Next, do you have a faith? If so, have you confessed and repented? Have you found someone in your church to be an accountability partner? If not, do so right away. Do you have children?

Keep reading and posting. You are very brave to come here and seek help.

Hi Leslie,

Welcome to MB. Glad you are here and looking for help. Please excuse the insults as it tends to happen every now and then. I would also go over and post on GQII (general questions II). A ton more traffic over there and when people get out of work later on they usually scan all the posts from earlier in the day.

Don't worry we will get you through this. It is a hard situation to be in I am sure. Although I am on the other end, and currently in recovery I can tell you that it is a huge shock in the beginning and alot of BS (betrayed spouses) tend to act upon their hurt feelings. After a few days of finding out he could possibly change his feelings and his mind about your marriage. If he doesn't there are different things you can try. Read up about Plan A and see if you understand that. I think that some FWS have tried it and had good success with it as well as BS.

Good Luck.

HINY

leslie
myself and a few other FWS are over in General Questions 11 or GQ11 ...please be encouraged to hop acoss and a lot of experienced poeple both FWS & BS will try to help and give you some thtings to read and try.

Please dont be put off by some hard posters..please remember they are also in the midst of pain on the other side and right now feel little compassion for those of us in our place. If their advice is good ok but let what wont help just go over your shoulder ..yes you'll get blunt advice at times but THAT can be so helpful.
Please come over and we'll try to help

Leslie, I started a thread for you on GQ2. click here Let's get you someplace where you can get the help you need.

I have sought counseling and went to the priest. I have no children.

Leslie, click on the link in my post above. Start posting on that thread so you can get more responses. Most FWS's are on GQ2.

You are right Patriot. Could I have been more compassionate? Sure! Will I sheild it? NO! Do I have compassion for her? You bet! I would not wish this on either side of the fence! This is the most devastating thing she will ever have to deal with. You can guess all you want, but I do have compassion. I would not be with my wife today if I did not. I would not seek the advise of WW's if I did not. Leslie I am sorry that was so harsh. The fact that you said your husband has filed means you have no time to waste. You better spend the next few days getting advise here and reading.
He may get very ugly with you. Please understand this. You will need to let him scream at the top of his lungs at you. Do not try to minimize any of it. Just take it. Saying I love you may not work at all. That will just give more fuel to the fire that is burning. Even if you feel he may have contributed to this do not voice that at all!!! Once he has time to process this he may start to talk, but not until then. Look deep within yourself and try to figure out what caused you to take your path. Dig deep and be honest with yourself so you can be honest with him.
My prayers are out to you!! I would not wish this upon another human being!!

Karl:

Thank you for the compassion. You can be as blunt as you want because I deserve it! Please help me in anyway you can? What have you been doing to cope that maybe can help my husband? Thanks for any feedback

Leslie, I really am sorry for that. Please accept my appology.
Nobody deserves this!
My first reaction was sorrow and hurt, not anger. I felt my life was literally going to end. I thank God everyday for one very close friend of mine.
Your H's anger is going to take a few days to sibside. Once the anger subsides he may start to feel hurt and sorrow. This is where things will most likely start to happen. This is where you may be able to start to talk about things.
Do not open this affair to anyone if it will further anger your husband. Do you have any close friends that will keep their mouths shut and help you save your marriage? Someone you both are close to that want you to both come through this as one. You may need someone to break the ice for you. Put all your shame and guilt aside for now. You need help quickly. Is there any chance your husband can come here! Find that friend that may be able to steer him here. Be careful though. You confiding in someone may further anger him. Only you can answer that.
Just realize all is not lost. Quite a few marriages survive this as you will see on these boards.
My prayers are with you!

I have a friend helping, but he put up a wall and doesn't want to hear anything. He was suspicious in the Fall, and I stopped all contact for 4 1/2 months with OM. Then I was so confused and tought that he would never get over it so I fell off the wagon only to discover I truly love my husband.

What can I do to let him know it can be saved?

Leslie. Someone started a post for you on the forum General questions. You really need to go there and just post and wait and post some more. This is a tough situation.
Your husband has to come out of his anger a little. Try to be a little patient.
Have your friend send him a link to this site possibly. Is this a close friend of his? That is what you need. Your friends will mean nothing to him.
Please go over to the General Questions board and post there. There will be a lot of help for you!

Please revisit the MB principles. The above statements are really counterproductive to what Harley advises.

Upon discovery, many BS do respond with very high degrees of anger, hurt, betrayal, some threaten bodily harm to the WS, the OP, themselves...etc. This by no means condones the behavior. DDAY has a profound affect on everyong. However... this does not give anybody a ticket to verbally or emotionally abuse another person.

I also disagree with the fact that you seem to be indicating leslie shouldn't be able to be honest and open. Of COURSE her H played apart in the downfall of their marriage, and he should be made fully aware of that. Let's face it... choosing to have an A...is a bad decision...but the state of someone's marriage isn't solely dependant on one person. Reference back to SAA.

Why should leslie not say ILY ? Every situation is different. I think the first step should be honesty, openess, vulnerability. A WS is not to be crucified, insulted, or set up to believe they are lying in the bed they made for themselves. This type of thinking is far detached from reality...on too many levels to comprehend.

Hang in there Leslie. Always remember that ultimately, he may not come back. You can only control you. Keep posting.