It seems to me that only another BS would be able to relate to the hell a BS has been through, and perhaps be less likely to inflict such torture on another.

Man seeks Woman... must have been cheated on..... doesn't sound too romantic, does it?

I think that this would depend upon the individual. When I was younger I would have thought that any man that cheated was either a hopeless womanizer or he wasn't getting any at home and his wife was too stupid to make sure that he was satisfied.

Now I know at the age of 40 that it is much more complicated than that. I would hope that any new woman you meet of a similar age as you would understand pain and betrayal. I would also think that by the time you look for another woman you would have set aside some of the hurt and started to build again on hope and faith.

Sunny

I dunno about being a BS. I'm pretty sure I'd have a hard time seriously dating someone who was a WS.

Certainly someone whose spouse cheated on them would understand the pain.

Heck, when I was dating before I got married, I wouldn't consider anyone who had divorced.

I still want to know the grounds they had for divorce. If they weren't "biblical" then they are probably not the woman for me. (Assuming it was the woman who filed.)

I don't want to divorce again, so I will be very careful and very choosy. So if you left your husband to chase another man, or simply because you weren't happy with your non-cheating husband, don't call me.

T

So if you had a child who was killed, you should only date people who have experienced a similar loss, they are the only ones who can understand you well enuf to "bond"...interesting therory.

Frankly, I would rather date someone who had been unfaithful, and learned their lesson, and corrected those things in themself, and in how they choose a partner...than someone who thinks they are somehow better (safer, more honest, better communicator, etc.) than others cause they haven't cheated....yet. According to dr harley, everyone is capable of infidelity, so it seems to me the fact is not nearly as important as the why and what was learned. I understand there are serial cheaters, and unworthy people of many stripes, but that has to be figured out on a case by case basis it seems. The issue is not whether someone has cheated (chances are everybody has been guilty of some kind of betrayal depending on how broad the definition), but whether they will cheat again.

I am far smarter about relationships now (after being a WS) than I ever was as a BS. I've been both.

I agree with Knight -- its more about what you know about being in a good relationship and being a good partner than your "status."

Anyone who wants to rule me can feel free to do so, but they're the ones missing out. (Guess I won't be calling Confused! LOL)

I am one who believes that it's all about the person(s) involved. While everyone's past DOES matter; that's not to say that everyone with a poor past will repeat the offenses. I know a WS who would cut off his arm before having another A and get's truly sick when he hears of someone we know having an A! And I also know BS's who continuously get into relationships that are almost guaranteed to end up in A's and failure.

So while everyone would like guarantees - there are none - therefore it all comes back to careful consideration, personal conviction and then faith!

FR

btw confused...technically speaking, the best background for a prospective mate is a divorced person....the reason being they know what marriage is about. Now they may be a hopeless loser, but so may anyone....the difference is EXPERIENCE. If I was going into battle, give me the old grizzled, gimpy veteran any day....not the young turk. Who may be strong and capable, but hasn't a clue...know what I mean?

one more thing....applying your standards, you could choose a woman who was unfaithful in past, but won't be truthful, so you don't know...and reject a good woman, who was honest about this and revealed it to you....which is the better choice (all else being equal)? That's the problem with approaching dating with arbitrary rules, rather than looking for character traits, such as honesty.

I agree, the most important thing is did the person learn from the experience (WS or BS) and what did they do about it.

I wouldn't rule out the young turk either. I think the ideal combination would be a young ambitious turkess (that's a female turk, right <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ) who is willing to learn.

I actually prefer older women with some curves in the "right" places. I find generally, younger women are too insecure, too much about fashion (one dimensional and probably an result of the insecurity) and many don't know what they want.

I'll be 40 in 34 days, and I'm looking for women from about 33 to 45.

I may have to rethink that throwing out a WS or someone who left because she didn't "feel" in love anymore. But, they better have a great story about how much they learned from it and be able to demonstrate what they learned consistently.

I know I'm trying to do the same.

T

This is a tough subject for me. It's interesting to see the different comments on here.

I came to MB as a BS whose marriage ended up not surviving because XH moved in with OW, left me in the dust, and I DV him. It has been a very painful experience, but one that has taught me a lot, too.

However, in years past, I was also a WS. I did not have the lengthy in-ones-face affair where I thought I no longer loved my husband and where I walked away from the family. Physically it was a two-time thing, but unfortunately those two times were 7 years apart (same OM, because he reappeared again during a very bad time in my marriage). And one more incident I choose not to get into today--if you've read some of my other posts, you know what it is. Bad, very very bad.

I feel awful about what I did. I felt awful about the last incident before I even went through with it. So you say "Why did you do it?" I was afraid of abandonment by everyone in my life. Things were awful with my husband. I loved him dearly and he was threatening DV because of something stupid I wouldn't do. I was lonely, traveling all the time with work, exhausted, and felt like the world was crashing on me and I wanted the pain to stop, even if just for a little while and so when OM pushed for SF, I gave in rather than face the pain of yet someone else turning against me at that moment. In hindsight, it was probably the dumbest thing I've ever done in my entire life.

I don't believe in DV for reasons other than unfaithfulness or abandonment by a non-Christian spouse, so I had no intention of DV my husband. It's hard being married to an alcoholic. It really screws up your brain.

My point: I have doubts that anyone other than a serial cheater will be willing to consider a relationship with me given my past. But I am more sure than I ever was before this that I will NOT cheat, because I know from both sides the devastation it causes. XH's cheating ruined my marriage and took the man I loved away from me. My cheating left me with an internal pain and anger toward myself that will never go away. I was not focused on God earlier in my marriage. My Christian faith was weak, bordering on non-existent. I am not that person anymore. I wish I could erase the past, but I can't.

But the knowledge I take with me as a former WS, I know, will keep me from making that mistake again. It's just very unfortunate that I allowed it to take two times 7 years apart for me to really, totally wake up to just what I'd done and what I stood to lose (both here on earth and in eternity).

As for what I'd look for, hypothetically because I'll probably never get the opportunity, in a future mate:

Being a BS is not a criteria I must have in order for them to "understand" me. However, I only intend to get involved with a man who is either never-married, widowed, or divorced because of UNREPENTENT infidelity on his spouse's part (I also have problems with someone whose spouse makes a one-time mistake, is totally remorseful, and the other spouse DV them. Being committed in a marriage means giving it all you have, and I personally don't believe God wants us ditching someone for a one-time incident. I went through two lengthy affairs that my XH had 12 years apart before filing for DV, and even then would have taken him back this time had he given her up and got help for his drinking. He chose to do neither.)

However, if I met a person who was DV because their spouse left them for someone else, but found out earlier in their marriage they had also been unfaithful, I would be willing to consider them (just as I'd hope they'd be willing to consider me), depending on the circumstances and whether I felt they had truly repented and understood the gravity of what they'd done, and had protection in place to never do it again.

(Of course, then I have to find the man who is willing to wait for SF until marriage with me, because I also believe that is what God wants for me. That's why I say "hypothetically, if I ever met someone....", because I'm pretty sure it's not going to happen. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />)

LL, why are you so sure that you will never find another mate?

You seem so down. This is not what Christians are offered. They are offered abundant life.

I am not good at quoting scripture by chapter and verse. I was raised a Catholic and we did not memorize scripture that way. But, we did study scripture a lot. And I recall Jesus berating the religious leaders of the time for laying a "heavy load" on the people. My impression is that either somebody else and/or yourself has laid a heavy load on you regarding divorce.

Your husband broke his marriage vows and the conventant you both had with God when he refused to get treatment and recover from his alcholism. To think or teach that one must stay married to an abusive or non-caring person is to lay a heavy load on a believer.

Christianity is her to give us the truth which will set us free. It wasn't given to us to imprison us and keep us under a yoke of despair and hopelessness.

JE,

The not finding another mate fear is sort of a "gut feeling" that is with me pretty much all the time. No one shows interest (not that I have a lot of opportunities to meet men), I have a difficult daughter living with me...and did you read the parts about 1) my unfaithfulness and 2) no SF before marriage???

Yes, we are promised abundant life. But there is no promise of someone on earth to share it with.

I think I'm struggling right now because I'm finally getting to a point where I'm not thinking about my XH all the time, I'm starting to really notice other guys, and I'm beating my head on an imaginary wall because I feel like I may never even have the opportunity to ever just be held by a man again.

I'm not depressed. I'm just feeling a little lonely. And each time I think of maybe meeting someone, the first two thoughts that come to mind are "how do I tell him?" and "when do I tell him?".

Here's my take...if your LOAD IS SO HEAVY THAT YOU MUST FIND SOMEBODY TO UNDERSTAND IT...

Do not date..

Find a therapist. Instead of dinner, take that money and see a counselor to work thru your grief.

Knight made a good point. It is about the person you date.

I have gone on a few one time dates...I can tell you why I didn't want to see them a second time.

1)was a slimeball who hid under the guise of a christian father...he was a sleazy realtor and I saw it the second I walked into the restaurant. He had the sportscar, the flashy watch, the whole schtick my xh has going on...and during the course of dinner, he proceeded to tell my how he "had to divorce his wife"...how she'd put on weight, become addicted to pain pills, etc. As a bS and a MB'er...I didn't go for it. I asked him if he dated during separation he replied yes. I got it then. He cheated. I asked him how long he stayed w/his wife to help her thru the issues? He said that she "wouldn't change" so what was the point? Point was I was NOT gonna see him again. It was funny...I got call from the guy asking me out again, but it was a vmail. Then the next day (two days after our date) got a vmail from him saying that he had a great time, but had NOT been honest with me (any ideas why?). That he had met somebody else a few weeks earlier and just had to date me to see if it would work out or else if he should stick with her...and since I didn't call him back, he was saying he would stick with her...CAN WE SAY ARROGANT FOG? I emailed him back and said that he had my full permission to do so as I was not anticipating a second date. Arrogant a$$. Again, a serial cheater on the prowl.
2) Touchy Feely Guy with Dumped Issues: Very cute guy in nearby subdivision. Was dumped by girl who was wine expert. BEen dumped by last 2 girlfriends btw. Would take me out to nice restaurants, had me over and had a new years' party. Met his sister and brother at the party. He had a great job, was decent, somewhat cute, and very nice...prob was ....HE WAS TOO TOUCHY FEELY AND TRIED TO JUMP FROM FIRST TO THIRD BASE ON SECOND DATE. So I did what I did since say high school. Dumped him also.

3)Man with too much Baggage> Man who had been divorced one year more than me. Still hurting openly about his xwife. I couldn't get thru dinner finding out how his life was NOW because of hearing how his xw was getting remarried to her bf and cause of divorce. Sure I am empathetic b/c it happened to me, but on 2 dates to listen to this over and over? I could NOT get to know him b/c of his baggage he was airing out for me to see openly.

It was rather unattractive can I say?

Now I think that people who are good will show that in their actions and words. Some who have cheated and learned their lessons, you will get that from them. Others who are not yet ready to date and are carrying huuuuge baggage with them onto the date, you'll get that from them. And believe me, the predators you can spot a mile away.

As of now, in a few days I have a date w/a guy I met a few weeks ago. We've talked quite alot since then. He's a doc and has a four year old daughter from his previous marriage. Seems his xw thought she did not get enough attention and divorced him...again, he was a resident, working his can off, and was doing it for his family. That's all he said about it. He's healthy and recovered. Still a good dad.

You can tell if the other person is healthy or not if they are divorced b/c they don't dwell in the past with conversations...they dwell in the future and if they mention their divorces, it is with wisdom and are easily able to sum the whole thing up.

But don't rule somebody out because they are single either. I've met alot of very smart single guys who kept in school when other dudes just got up and married their college girlfriends. Don't rule them out either...

Kick to the curb the whiners, cheaters, sharks, and above all...if you attempt to waste your time by dating a "separated" person you meet online or in person, do NOT be surprised if that person is out to just have an affair and is really married...this happened to a girlfriend of mine. She went out w/him 3x. On third time, after two lavish dates with dinner, theater, dancing, etc. She noticed the indentation of where a ring goes on the finger. She also noticed he only called from his cell phone. She also noticed he'd only call her from work or the cell. And that they always went out nowhere near the part of town he said he lived in (atlanta is huge). She researched the issue online finding sites to do phone address stuff and called what she believed to be his home number. She asked to speak to D. And his wife answered. She asked if D W lived there. His wife said "of course." She then said she wanted to let him know that she, (said her name) found his papers at the office and wanted him to get them back...(very vague...she didn't know what to say). Needless to say, he tried to call her and explain.

My buddy got this..."we're separated but living in same home ok? We've been doing this buddy thing for years now. I can't remember when we've slept together. She has her life, I have mine. I am just ready to start a new life w/somebody else now. (fog) If you wait a little longer, and I know you're shocked, I will prove it to you."

bleeeech.

that is why you do NOT under any circumstance accept a date from the grey arena...the separateds...some really are...but are not over the divorce...and some really are NOT separated but looking for an affair.

Search your soul. You'll know when it screams "get me the heck outta here" or when you feel peace.

LL, you are an expert in seeing that the glass is half empty.
There is no promise that you or I will be alive one minute from now. If you are looking for promises and guarantees covering every detail of your life, then you will look in vain.

As far as telling him, remember you are a sinner saved by grace like the rest of us. You have been forgiven. When you and he become exclusive and start considering a future together, then you must both share your pasts with each other. For now, it is not an issue and you are under no moral or legal obligation to share all your life with him or anybody else.

WST,

Simply put....I was a BS during my engagement, a WS during the middle of my marriage, and a BS again at the end. So which "label" do I pick? None of them.

With people I meet, if asked, I am up front about my affair. I am not longer afraid of it. I know what I did, I have owned it, and it prompted 1 1/2 years of counseling (still continuing) and an extraordinary amount of emotional introspection and maturation on my part.

I hate that I had my affair, but it is a part of what has made me who I am today. And although I am not healed enough to say I truly 'love' myself, I certainly 'like' myself a great deal more than I did when I was married.

Through the 'overall experience of infidelity' - on both sides - I have learned that a couple must maintain their individuality, but enjoy their commonalities. There are times to spend together, and there are times to spend alone. One should not 'become' something for the other. If there is an issue for one person, it is truly an 'issue' for both. Conflict is not necessarily a bad thing. You can be angry at someone, but it does not necessarily mean you don't love them. And vice versa. It's OK to stand up for what you believe in. Have confidence in who you are and enjoy your strengths as well as your weaknesses. We are all human, and are not perfect.

I'm sure I have learned so much more, but those are just a few I can pull off the top of my head. When I was married, and only a BS at the time......I knew none of that.

So would I be offended if someone didn't want to be with me because I have been a WS? No. But I would probably question their emotional maturity - to be so shallow as to 'judge' someone not based on who they are and what they have learned from life experiences....but on a 'qualifier' alone.

JMVHO.

Lordslady, you are clearly still very confused IMO. First your theology is misapplied. I don't usually respond with religious arguments on multi-belief sites. Basic psychology seems sufficient most of the time as well. But as a Brother in Christ, I feel compelled to comment to you. Your apparent feelings about your own behavior, as well as others who must meet certain requirements (ones you can't meet yourself), is illogical from both a secular and a Spiritual viewpoint. But most of all you have overlooked Grace. We are all sinners, and none is better than another, although some sins are more heinous than another...regardless, we are all forgiven if we ask, and are to forgive each other (which does not mean no consequences). You are divorced, that is a real condition, it makes no matter why, God explicitly recognizes the condition of divorce. Jesus told the adulteress, go and sin no more, he redeemed her through Grace, instead of punishing her. Likewise he told her accusers, he without sin cast the first stone. Likewise you have no business usurping God's Grace, or assigning a scarlet letter to any man you meet who may be worthy of you, but rejected cause you don't approve of his past. He has been redeemed by Grace, and if he sins no more, who are you to decide he is unworthy, and not the man God has picked for you? He should be assessed by who he is now, as has been discussed in this thread, and certainly have to answer for his past behavior, so one can decide whether he has used God's Grace wisely...as will you have to answer as well, in the same fashion.

As for your other concerns, finding a Godly man is not impossible, but first put your own psychological house in order, give up your load, your angst where it belongs, on Jesus broad shoulders, and let Him work in your life, you will be ok lordslady. Right now I think you are still letting satan influence your thinking, he would like nothing better than to keep you messed up, and unworthy, pray for discernment and protection, and you will recieve it..give up your pride (which is essentially what thinking this is about you, and you are in control, is all about).

I won't initiate a discussion about divorce and Christian doctrine, there is plenty of conflict over such matters anyways. Whether one should divorce an alcoholic (or whether they have allready "left" you, or unequally yoked) is of interest if you are married to an alcoholic, or other dysfunctional human being...but you aren't, you are single, so is of no matter now...just choose wisely in the future. And craft a strong, God-centered Christian marriage, out of the ashes of your failures, you know that is what He wants, do it. You have been covered by Grace, and are a virgin once again, live your life accordingly.

Btw, males who think no pre-marital SF is a good choice are not rare, although harder to find perhaps than promiscuous males. I am one such, and always have been, although I fell twice in my youth, God grabbed me by the neck and I have not wavered since. I recently ended a relationship with a "Christian" woman, who was sexually aggressive is not just males....Just have your standards lordslady, communicate them early on, and in your profile if you seek on-line....you sound like a person of value, and you will have many opportunities I am sure...once you start thinking more clearly, acting positive, and making proactive choices...and listening to God, who should be in the middle of all this...is He?