http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7971850/


Why does it seem so many married women are desperate for spicier sex?


Question:I am in my mid-30s and have friends ranging in age from their 20s to their 60s. All the married women I know are dissatisfied with their sex lives. Their partners just do not please them. Why do we put up with it? Do we not have a right to a sexually satisfying relationship?

— Kathy

I guess I am one of those desperate housewives.

My sex life is just o.k. I found out that my husband wasn't attracted to me so I lost weight. I bought a "sex" book to spice things up. We were to alternate seducing each other. I've performed three seductions, he has yet to reciprocate. Our sex is wham-bamm thank you ma'am everytime (foreplay mainly consist of OS for him). Although I do have the big O every time, no fail. My O's would be multiple and better when I get adequate foreplay. Maybe the reason mid-30's women try to spice up their sex lives is because their husbands have come to only want the quickies (no reason to woo their wives anymore like they "had to" when they were dating.

What is Kathy doing to spice it up?
Isn't a marriage 50/50?
Why is it solely the husbands responsibility?
Can't say I EVER came home & found my (now ex) wife greeting me at the door wearing only Glad Wrap. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Their partners just do not please them.
Why aren't they letting their partners know they are dissatisfied?
Why aren't they telling their partners how they can satisfy then the way they WANT to be satisfied?

I'm 48 and have been dissatisfied sexually w/ my WH for all 13 years that we have been together.

Sex is not something he cares to discuss or have with me...

He prefers sex w/OW - married, single, short, tall, fat, skinny doesn't matter as long as it's not me..

I use to beg him to open up to me he wouldn't nor did he even care if I satisified him..That should have been a major clue to me that he was getting it elsewhere.

No - we don't have to put up w/it..Some of us do becoz we believe that other parts of the relationship out weight sexual issues and we let it go.

Yes - we have a "right" to a sexually satisfying relationship but before you go getting it elsewhere since it's your "right" you should discuss/try w/your own spouse. They have "right" to know something needs changed/fixed....

Chris-CA123

How do I tell my DH that I'm not satisfied sexually with out completely hurting his ego? I've tried subtly and making my own foreplay but it's not the same.

Personally, I would suggest to anyone who's not happy with any aspect of their marriage to think of a plan to fix it, and tactfully and respectfully approach their mate with it.

Mrs Owl and I aren't quite on the same wavelength when it comes to SF...but, we've learned a lot about compromising and taking care of each other. And we've both decided that it's better to TALK with each other about our needs than to bottle it up or hide it cause we don't want to hurt the other person.

How do I tell my DH that I'm not satisfied sexually with out completely hurting his ego?
Rather than telling him you are dissatisfied with how he does it now, simply show him how/what you want done.
Your reaction & responses will tell him he is doing something right.

I've tried subtly and making my own foreplay but it's not the same.
Why subtly?
Don't be subtle at all.
Why does he have to do all the foreplay?
Make the foreplay longer before you "get down to business".
It would be something different, therefore it would be more exciting.

If he's "normal" in any sense of the word, you taking a different role would kinda rock his world.

As an example, if a couple does it missionary style with the lights out all the time, & the wife were to light a candle, walk in with high heels & stockings & some massage oil, he WILL react differently than he "normally" does.
And yes, he will be more willing to take care of you (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Chris-

That's what my seductions were all about- yet I want that seduction resciprocated and it just doesn't happen. I've told him I want to be seduced. I told him that's why I bought the book. I figured if I started the seductions he would follow suit. Am I expecting too much by wanting him to seduce me and perform my fantasies for me in return for me doing for him?

Wanting and expecting are two different things.I want to win the lotto but should I expect to?

Wanting is fine. It is about you.

Something you should expect? Well, that is something you will have to talk out with him.
Rather than hoping he will follow suit because you do it, you need to let him know. No hinting at it & no "hoping" he will do it.
Gotta spell it out, perhaps letter by letter, word by word.

I told him that's why I bought the book.
What book?

Marriage & love do not make you a mind reader, no matter how much you might "expect" it.
Have you read, "His Needs, Her Needs" or done the Emotional Needs questionaires?
These are designed to let your spouse know EXACTLY what YOU want and EXACTLY how YOU want it (even the sex stuff).

No guessing and no "if you loved me you would automatically know what I want".

A very important part of the marital relationship...no doubt, but communication is the KEY to a good M.

While WW and I had good SF (weekend hotel "fun", adult "accoutrements", multiple O's, etc), she was still (prior to D-Day) plotting an A with an officer in her building. Her needs were being met, yet our uninhibited relationship wasn't enough. Self-esteem issues for her IMHO.

WHile SF is important...TALK to each other about ALL of your likes and dislikes regarding SF and ALL things.

Honest and open communication is the linchpin that holds an M together.

Isn't an EN essentially a want anyway?

My husband and I don't expect to read each other's minds. We've discuss our sex life regularly. I've told him I want to be seduced. I've told him during a love seen in a movie we're watching - " I would love that!" I feel like a broken record sometimes. I thought if I was proavtice about this seducing (using hte book I mentioned before "101 nights of great sex") that it would improve.

I've read HNHN and SAA.

I guess my taker is in full force today.
don't get me wrong I still enjoy pleasing my H and I'll take a quickie any time he wants. I just feel like I'm missing something and I've tried to fulfill it myself but I want to be seduced sometimes. I'll just keep trying.

Does he just refuse to do this?
Does he say he will & then doesn't?

I was proavtice about this seducing (using hte book I mentioned before "101 nights of great sex") that it would improve.
Did you get the version with the sealed pages?
You pick one, open it, plan it & do it in then next few days.
Then he picks one and does the same.
Leaves room ffor improvisation but not needed. If he can read, he can do it.

sorry- it took so long to respond.. I actually had some work to do today...

He says he'll do it and nothing happens.

Yes- it's the one with the sealed pages. When we first dicussed it we said I would pick one and do it within the next week or so (no more than two weeks time) and thenit would be his turn. He has yet to even rip a page out of the book. If I just ask him to pick one and do it within a couple of weeks sound like nagging?

You know- after writing that sentence, I realize that maybe I just need to choose an envelope that I think sounds good and tell him I'd like to try this sometime in the next two weeks. (obviously not looking at the contents but just by the title). Thanks for letting me think out loud.

I had the problems with the sexual satisfaction too and thought that it was the blame of my husband but my doctor said that it is the problem of majority of women because their sex drive is becoming lower and lower with their age. Use special supplements (for ex Sentia) or something else and you'll see that my doctor was right: there is nothing wrong with our husbands.

oh dear god---i thought he was back....lol

Me too. What happened to him anyway?

why would a "new" member dig up a long forgotten post from 8 months ago ???

curious, eh, Nkko <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

first of all desperate housewives is a fantasy.

what you're describing "in the movies" kind of sex is well...usually in the movies.

I also bought 101 nights a few years back for my now xwh.

funny, we never had a bad sex life...just that he also had a secret one with other women...lmao.

I firmly believe that sexiness BEGINS IN YOUR HEAD FIRST.

if you want a man to seduce you...show him a seductive and attractive woman. do something "out of your norm." like buy new lingerie...as for me, I just recently began "rennovating my girlie drawer" in my armoire. as I am dating, and hopefully soon to be in a committed relationship...realized I was a bit out of date...three years exactly. so I went to victoria's and bought a few new things.

I feel good about ME and when I am in a committed relationship, I know now that sex starts in MY mind. you communicate w/your partner.

ask YOUR H what his fantasy is...yours is obviously something you saw somewhere else...and that's good...but what is HIS FANTASY? If you want a man to seduce you...get into the man's mind.

simple as that.

as for me, losing 20 lbs by april (back to 115)...going away to the beach for a medical convention then...and booked an awesome hotel room(beachfront w/tower room and widow's walk over the beach). am dating 2 guys now...but one more than other. and will quite probably have the biggie C by then...so I will be a desperate xhouswife no more.

make YOUR fantasies work...and make HIS work too.

but here's the kicker..

you gotta communicate!