Hello all,

I'm very glad I found this website & Dr. Harley's advice Q&A's. I have been married for almost 18 years and have two children ages 16 and 12. I was 21 and my wife was 19 when we married. I first suspected something "wasn't right" in Sept. 2003. My wife was cold & distant and sex had become almost nil. So I suspected something was "going on". I got curious and started checking her cell phone... I found a blocked call made to a phone number I didn't recognize. I've always heard it said that when it comes to affairs, it's usually someone you know or know of. So I happened to remember the name of a guy that my wife dated before we got together (her first love and the first guy she had sex with). So I opened the phone book and looked up his name...The blocked number on the cell phone was his!!!

It was like being stabbed by a knife....I was literally sick to my stomach and could not pull myself together for awhile. I confronted my wife about the blocked call by asking her who's phone number it was and then I told her I knew exactly who's phone number it was! She turned pale and started denying that she had had sex with him and that they just "talked" and were "friends". I had no solid evidence that she had slept with him. I told my wife that if she wanted to continue our marriage, all contact with this man must stop immediately. My wife told me that she would end the contact with this man. Needless to say though, my trust was destroyed.

Fast forward to January 2004, I get a text message on my cell phone one day from an "unknown" female person who wants to "talk" to me...It turns out that this "unknown" female person was the woman who was cleaning our home about every two weeks. This woman was a friend of my wife whom she met through my daughter's softball team. "Mary" as I will call her, was going through a nasty divorce from a voilent and physically abusive man and was cofiding things to my wife. Mary told me that she knew we both "needed someone to talk to" because she had learned all about the situation between me and my wife... To make a long story shorter, Mary told me that I was still being "played" and she felt sorry for me...Mary told me that contact was continuing between my wife and this other guy by e-mail and voicemail at my wife's work office. Mary even told me about my wife's "secret plan" to meet up with this other man in a local park!

My blood was boiling by this time and I left work early one afternoon with the intention of going home to gather my clothes and move out. I sat in a local resturaunt for several hours trying to decide what to do. I went home but I didn't pack my bags. For the next 4 months, "Mary" kept text messaging me and calling me wanting to talk. Mary eventually started making sexual advances toward me and kept telling me how much she "wanted" me. Then one afternoon as Mary was talking to me, she kissed me. I told her that this can't happen and that she shouldn't call me or talk to me anymore. As God as my witness, I DID NOT have sex with "Mary".

In July 2004, "Mary" left the state to get away from her abusive ex-husband and I have not seen or spoken with her since. With Mary gone, I didn't have an "informant" anymore and my life got a little more normal than the "soap opra" it had become.

One of the things that has kept me going all this time is that Mary told me that "as far as she knew,my wife didn't have sex with this other man". But, Mary told me a lot of other things that my wife confided to Mary about how my wife still had strong feelings for this "other man". All of these things deeply hurt me. So for over a year now, I have lived with all these "secrets" about my wife and "Mary".

All of this knowledge has left me VERY RESENTFUL and has made me want to withdraw from my wife. I have wanted to tell my wife about what happened with "Mary" and what I know about her feelings toward this other man. But I live in fear that my wife will use my "radical honesty" as a justification to continue contact with this other man if it is still going on.

So what should I do? Should I risk telling my wife what I know or should I remain silent and continue to work on trying my best to meet my wife's emotional needs.

Sorry this story is so long. Thanks for listening.

M.P.

So why haven't you done anything to fix the situation?!?!?!

Have you attempted to gather any 'proof' of what's going on beyond what you learned in 2003? Did you do any further checks on her cell phone, emails, etc???

Have you tried talking with your wife about ANY of this? (not that she'll admit anything without proof, which should have been your first step)

Seriously, it seems to me like you've just let this whole thing go on without taking any kind of action to resolve it. You knew something was going on, but I don't see anything in your post to indicate what you've tried to do about it.

How about trying to figure out what emotional needs the OM is providing your wife, and trying to meet those needs yourself?

Just my thoughts.

Thanks for the reply OWL,

There are alot of other details that I didn't include in order to keep from writing a novel...

I have been trying to resolve this situation for a long time now... After I learned about the e-mails and voicemails, I confronted my wife again. But I had to do it in a way that she didn't know how or where I got my info.
I basically told my wife again that all contact,in ANY FORM, with this guy must stop now! Of course, my wife denied the contact...

Secondly, I do keep very close tabs on my wife's communications as much as I can. So far, I haven't directly found anything else. But, the thing is, I can't monitor her 24 hours a day and I don't have access to my wife's work e-mail or voicemail accounts. My wife knows that I'm watching, so if she is doing stuff, she won't make the same cell phone mistake again.


I have tried on several occasions to talk to her about our relationship and I usually get something like: "Everthing is fine.....why do we have to bring this up again...."

Ok...if you let it go on...they will have sex.

Time to do it before it's too late.

My W started her A in September 2003....they had quite a bit of sex before D-Day.

The thing that is so frustrating to me is that my wife will go through periods where she is more open and receptive. So during those times, I think to myself maybe there is hope after all. But other times she is cold and distant like she was before D-day. I'm growing tired and resentful of having to beg for sex and affection.

Obviously there is still a problem. But Like I said before, I currently don't have any solid proof that there is something still going on at this time. But, I don't want to make matters worse by making false accusations either.(Although I continue to watch things closely) All I know is that I don't want to compete anymore with someone else for things that should be mine to begin with...

MP1966,

May I suggest that you purchase and read the book by Harley, "His Needs, Her Needs"? Your best strategy at this point in the game would be to do a stellar Plan A, but before you can do that, you need to know what your wife's biggest emotional needs are. This book will help you get back on that track.

We can assume your wife's EA is continuing from what you describe. But without proof, you have no other resort at this time except to love the heck out of your wife and see if she responds. Withdrawing from her, while understandable, is counter-productive.

If she is still in the EA, then it owuld be best for everyone if she could come out and tell you. But she won't. They rarely do unless you have proof that backs them in a corner. If knowing for certain is imperative for you, then look into hiring a Private Investigator to follow your wife around and get proof. But then use it to start rebuilding your marriage. If the PI finds nothing, still read "His Needs, Her Needs" and make positive actions toward repairing your marriage right now.

I wish you well.

~ Snow

Hi, MP1966

Along with Snowbelle's reading suggestion, pick up a copy of "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

I suggest that you read it in front of your wife, then leave it lying about for her to read if she decides to. Don't ask her to read it, let her curiosity do the work.

Study all the articles on this site (click on 'articles' on the red bar at the top of this page). Learn what causes affairs, and how they work. Knowledge is your best friend from this point on.

Learn how to snoop. You need to find out for sure what is going on. Don't get confused about privacy versus secrecy. There is no place for secrets in a marriage.

All the best,
Gimble