Hi everyone,

Please hear me out then please offer help/support etc.

My W and I have been together 5 yrs, married 2.5.
She returned to work in February after having our first child together. Was off work for over a year.
We both work at the same automotive factory but opposite shifts. After first month of her returning to work things were ok. But then we started to argue more and more.
Was it the time apart now ?
but then my friends kept mentioning she was
visiting the supervisors desk often, too often.
I even noticed that she was wearing more revealing clothes to work, more make-up and hair done up more too.
Since I'm a little controlling and do get jealous I decided to confront her about it.
She denied anything was going on, said were "just friends" and she likes to talk to him.
But she also got mad and accused me of having my friends spy on her at work. Again says I'm too controlling and she has no space for herself.
Sorry but it is obvious to everyone at work as well.
I told her we need to see a marriage counsillor
but she decided to see one just for herself.
Most of those conversations/meetings they discussed me
and how I was to blame being jealous and controlling.
Of course she never mentioned the OM to her counsillor.
After her denial I decided to find out more.
I tapped our phones to get more dirt and boy did it work!
I recorded my W and her girlfriend talk about this supervisor and how he and my W have at least kissed once and been out once too. The OM is married with 2 kids btw.
Having the evidence I confronted her with the info.
She flat out denied it. How can she do that to me ?
She is in total denial but how ?
I have even talked to the OM supervisor about foreman/employee relations. Not much can be done but the OM was spoked to by his supervisor. The OM denied anything was happening as well.
Lately my W has been buying more and more new clothes for factory work (go figure) but I also snooped and found some new lingerie paid with cash that I'm sure is not for my eyes~! She is now using cash to buy things instead of interact because she know I'm checking the bank account via the computer to follow her tracks.

My W is digging her self in deeper and I'm more and more confused. I want to help but I can't and she won't let me.
How can I help myself and my marriage before it's too late?
What about our 16 month old son. She doesn't realize it's hurting him too, she just blames me.

Thanks for your support.

Vader, welcome to MB. Look up near the top of the page and click on WAT's quick start guide for newly betrayed spouses. Have you exposed the A to OM's W? I wouldn't confront or give away any more information until you have more proof. Good idea tapping the phone, btw. Get yourself into a good plan A and continue reading/posting here.

Vader, I am sorry you are in this situation. I can relate as my H had an A with one of his employees. They continue to work together and it continues to bother me, BUT there have been A LOT of changes since I discovered the A.

My H moved his office to another building and changed the reporting structure so she no longer reports directly to him. He doesn't work "overtime" any more and stopped all socializing outside of work with his staff and other employees...he's home now.

If your W was home before and you can afford it, I'd demand she quit. With my H as the sole bread winner and working high up in a specialized field, I did not demand he quit. But I did demand change and I have seen it.

If she cannot quit, can she change her shift? Get a new position where she reports to someone else? Some kind of change needs to happen where they are not in contact with each other. She then needs to send him a no contact letter and stick by it. With you having friends who work there, you can make sure she is living up to her end of the deal.

If she won't agree to any of this...basically saying she won't end the A, move out or make her leave. Get tough.

I'd also DEMAND you attend counseling with her. You guys need to be in joint therapy. If she won't allow it, she is afraid of being revealed...again won't end the relationship.

I'm sorry you have to make these tough decisions. Unfortunately, we've all been there. If you have hope for saving your marriage (especially for the sake of your child) get tough! She needs to show you she's in this too, or you will have to force her to see reality...life without you.

Good luck and know we are here for support.
2

Vader,

Sorry to see you here but I'm here too, that's how I found your post. Anyways, what you're described of her actions, there is something going on. Even if you have proof they still lie about it and you'll get them...lots of lies. With her not wanting joint counselling, that says she has something to hide. Once you have hard evidence and confront her, she will most likely get very angry at you but that's just because she got caught.

If you want to make it work, let her know what will happen if she is having an affair and that she will lose you, WS's sometimes need a wakeup call. Also...at the same time, do things for her, take her out to dinner with out the baby, spend a weekend somewhere just the two of you, things like that and when you're out, don't mention work, the other guy or anything related to that matter. Stay ahead of the other guy.

If you find hard evidence, tell the OM's wife, get the information out there because if only you know and keep it to yourself, it most likely will not stop.

Good luck and keep investigating.

"Expect the best, plan for the worst, and expect to be surprised."

ok VAder
have you read WATs quick guidelines yet??

if you have you will see that throwing her out or you leaving is NOT a good idea!! You are then simply throwing her into the OM's arms.

You have some good evidence so far ..get anymore or is she now onto your recording phone calls?
If that is all you can get plus obserevations by your friends at work then the first thing is to expose the affair to HIS the OM's wife.
DO NOT INFORM YOUR WIFE you are doing this or warn the Om ok?? He will simply say to his wife this bloke at work is crazy I had to tell him off & he said he would say I was having an affair with his wife at work. etc etc

Second thing is to be prepared that your ww is going to be angry you have messed with her affair. DONT argue ...use a technique called Reverse babble to deflect her attacks.
It is designed to throw the WS off track. They are temporary attempts to confuse their already confused yet stubborn mind on the A issue. If they insist on having the A at all costs, you have nothing to lose if at least they don't enjoy it because you have put such doubts in her mind.
See Reverse Babble

Now third ..STOP TRYING TO CONTROL HER because you cant & all you are doing is driving her away. Your own insecurities in this area are complicating a already bad sit, so stop it now.
Instead find out her most important 5 needs - and try to meet them no matter what. Read Plan A ..this is the key to it ..meet those needs by changing YOUR behaviour so she sees the man she married not the control freak who is driving her away. And make sure your changes which make you attractive to your w are permanent

Fourth ..even with your imput to the M and contribution to its current situation ..you are NOT the cause of her affair regardless of what she may say. This action was your wifes choice, clearly and solely.

Now it may have been only a EA so far - emotional affair - and not gone into a full physical afair - but an affair is an afair is an affair ...regardless so expect all the issues you read about and be prepared for them.

I think thats enough for now so read read read & fill those needs and stop the controlling ....you can do it Vader BUT there is no quick fix ..just hard work.