I just found out that my husband is in love with a woman he works with. Now my husband is a huge flirt and it does not bother me as he does this to everyone. I know this lady and we are somewhat friends, she is very beautiful in alot of ways and I can see why anyone would fall in love with her.

They just found thier feelings for each other by surprise last Wed. I found out Monday.. I told him I would give him the time to explore his feelings for her and to figure out what he wants. He says he very much still loves me and I am very much still in love with him. They have not had sex as of yet..

the problem she is also married with a child,,,, they are from Romania where family dont break apart for any reason and she has not told her husband,. at first she said she was scared for her daughter and what he would do, then it was i dont care about what he thinks, now last night she told my husband that she does not think she can tell her husband and that maybe they should break it off...Well he went and hit a window and i had to take him to the hospital for stiches. On top of that, he accidently left his computer on and our daughter read a letter i wrote to him with my feelings,, so she know knows but we have not talked to her about it yet..

I have so many things going through my mind right now its not funny.

any advise,,,, how do you break it to a 11 years old who found out by mistake....Help please

Welcome - Luckily you have found this site very early. There is lots of hope to save your marriage. First, you need to toughen up and not let them "explore" their feeling for each other. That will only damage you and both families.

The marriage builder plan is to start in Plan A. This is where you remain calm, and show your husband what a great wife you can be. Please read about it here.

The next thing is to tell the other woman's husband what is going on. Do not let your husband or her know you plan to do this. They will just conspire together to make up a story that you are crazy.

Of course, most newcomers don't want to expose the affair, but it is necessary to end it. Your husband will be very angry - they all are. But they get over it very quickly. Just let him know (after exposure) that you love him and intend to fight for your marriage and your family.

Talk to your daughter and let her know that you now have a plan. It is very troubling for young children to go through this. But if she knows that you are strong and have a plan, it may help reassure her.

I am calm and he knows very much I am here for him in any way he wants.

I am not going to tell her husband that is her responsibility not mine and my husband is not doing anything with her until she does tell him.

I do not intened to fight for my marriage, I am not going to make him angry in any way what so ever. I do not want to part on those terms. We still liove each other and we are very open with each other on this matter. I was at first hurt of course, then angry then i have to accpet it. some of my firend think im crazy for not kicking him out or leaving but he came to me with this and very early,, I am going to wait a bit since its only been 4 days to see what her excuses are about not telling her husband. She has told me that if I want them to stop she will but like I said I dont want that. I dont want to tell them they cant do this,, thats when the anger with my husband will start and then he may just go behind my back or worse just leave.

they will work it out wether they are together or not and so will we.

thank you

Okay - most people don't want to tell the other spouse. It is your choice.

I can tell you some of the excuses. Often if it is a woman who is cheating, she will claim that her husband would be abusive, or that she does not want to hurt him. Sometimes (this happened to me) she will claim that she told her husband, or that they have an "open marriage". Some will say that he is cheating too.

Are you financially dependent on your husband?

I have my own job and have already started talking about our finances,. We would have to make some sacrafices in selling our veihcles and other items to cover our debts so we dont have to claim bankrupt, but other then that i am able to hold my own when him/I does move out.
about 3 years ago her husband brought a women into thier home and bed. She didnt like it but went along and her husband got jelous of the other womna as she was seeing other people also. At that point she gave him the altimatum of staying or leaving and thier marriage has never been the same, she also still thinks he goies out and is cheating as he is never home (he is a plumber on call but so is my brother in-law and he is never gone that much) Anyways she at first said she didnt want to hurt huim,, then its I hate him and dont care what he thinks/says, then its he theratened to take the child away.. like I said they are from another counrty where familys are togeather no matter what,

kplourde,

You are going about this all wrong. To me it sounds like you don't care if your husband has an affair or your marriage isn't important to you. Have you had an affair in the past?
First of all, you don't let them "explore" their feelings for each other because that will result in an affair, second, who cares if your husband will get angry if you take action, my wife did. There is absolutely no excuse for anyone to have an affair, it is a very selfish thing to do and people who do it don't care enough about their spouse, otherwise they wouldn't do it. Third, don't pay any attention to the other couple's marriage, if they have an "open marriage" or if they mess around on each other, that doesn't mean that it's ok for your husband to and for you not to do anything about it.

You say it's her responsibility to tell her husband...no it's not, she should but if her feelings are strong enough for your husband, she might only tell him when it's too late or not at all. YOU TELL HIM. Exposing them is one of the best ways to stop it. Again, don't worry if your husband gets mad he has no right to do what he's doing.

Another thing, he's married to YOU, flirting with other women should not be happening at all. I don't mean to be too harsh but you need to open your eyes and also talk to people who have been through this. If you continue with what you've been saying, it will happen.

Would your husband consider reading or posting here? He is getting himself into a real mess. The statistics on an affair turning into a lasting relationship are very grim. Only about 2 or 3% turn into a marriage that lasts.

In the mean time, your husband may do some really crazy things. Mine went through over $100,000. of our joint money, even though he claims OW is not interested in money at all. So protect yourself and your family.

I care about my marriage very very much. I hate that this is going on. She was at our house on Friday and said that maybe she should pack up and go back to Romania and leave us alone. He beggeed her not to, told her she had his heart and soul and that if she left that she would be taking it with her and I looked at her and told her, that if she did I would track her down and beat her, I can not pick up the pieces that she will destroy in him if she did that. They both say they love each other. You can see it in his eyes, he looks at her the way he looks at me..I told him that I hope his sexx life with her is terrible, both of them are afraid to have sex, they both think that they will be bad or not to expectations for each other...
I told him I dont want to fight about anything and that maybe it would be easier on all of us if I just packed and left, he does not want me to leave and he does not want to leave., but we are not going to be having sex again,,he feels like he would be cheating on her even though we are married not them. Our sex life was amazing, never any problems there and always 5-6 times a week. so its not sex,, its love and he still loves me just he is not in love with me the same way and I can not change that..

I dont say this is an affair,, if it was he wouldnt have told me.. They were talking yesterday about the first day they met. She said he walked in said hi and that was it,, which was odd to her cause guys usally grool over her and he didnt, She said that she kept looking at him to see if he was looking but he wasnt. He said he was but everytime she looked he would not... I guess the figured out yesterday that this might have been almost a yr ago and just figured it out last week.
I dont think he would post,, he already said that counceling wouldnt help. I have to face that my marriage is over and move on,, one thing I said yesterday to him was that I would have to go find myself a booty call since we will never do it again,,, you should have seen the look on his face,,, broke my heart again.

Many things about this post are just quite right...

..he's a flirt and she doesn't care
..I am calm. Who is calm the 4th day into this?
..ow is beautiful? what BS says that?
..they were talking yesterday about when they first met?
what is that? Did she come for tea?
..I do not intend to fight for my marriage? Then why here?
seems like no big deal.
..what is it with this detailed knowledge of what happened
between ow & her husband?
..after 4 days realize her marriage is over and move on?
..she was at their house and he begged her not to go back
to her home country and she told ow if she did leave
she would track her down and beat her up?? What??
..Who has the ow in their home?
..we're not going to have sex again? Please...

I'm sorry but this is crazy. Either this is a troll or some teenagers getting kicks making up this story. It doesn't make sense and is not normal. My money is on that this is a troll trying to get a sense of what bs/ws are thinking and going through.

That is what I was thinking, too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I've been here a long time and have never seen one like this. Soemthing stinks. If you are for real, you need IC and better read everything on this site from top to bottom.

I agree, this is absurd! What, you had the OW over for tea and your H is telling her IN FRONT OF YOU that he loves her and if she leaves she will take his heart and soul...and then you say if she leaves you will hunt her down and beat her for doing this to your H??? WTF???

Either you ARE a troll...or you need serious help! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Im not a troll or a teenage kid, I am trying to do the right thing,, I have been told so many things im confused,, Do i fight for him? do I make him sleep on the couch till our finances are finalized and our daighter is out of school and move like planned and if he truly loves me then he will come back?? what if its to late by the time he comes back. I woke up this morning and asked him what he wants,, he said he didnt know,, i said nothing has really changed except you are spending more time with me sucking up giving me pitty time (which he said was not) and when she calls you run cause he sneaks call in when her hubby isnt around. he said he still loves me, still wants me, doesnt want to separte yet, doesnt want to divorce yet, wants me to wear my rings, doesnt want to leave, doesnt want me to leave, wants to stay in bed with me unless i say so,, but doesnt want to have sex cause he thinks he will be unfaithful to her....he said this morning that he thinks things just came to a hault... so this morning i am planning on taking him away for 2 weeks,, then someone says no dont do that,, dont fight for him,,, let him go and if it was ment to be he will come back.... like the saying if it was yours let it go and it will fly back or somthing like that.... no one knows how open our relationship is...not open as in open but our communication,, this is why its not as hard,, or maybe im in denile i dont know,, im just looking for advise and help..
think what you want about me,, everyones situation is different.

Ok...Listen, you are very confused..you are in denial and you are in shock...This is NOT normal! Your H is having an A, confessing his love for another woman, that is wrong!

do you WANT to save your M? If so, then you must tell your H NOW that he must end all contact with that woman...quit his job, do whatever it takes to end the contact...your M cannot go on as long as he is still in contact with her...

If he says that he doens't want to, bla bla bla, and you allow him to do this, you are allowing him to have his cake and eat it too...

If you want your M to work, then you must fight for it...do now allow your H to treat you like this! Do not allow that woman back into your home...contact with her must end if you want to save your M...it doesn't sound like you want to fight for it very much...has this happended before? Why do you think you should accept this from him? He married YOU...in your vows did you put in there "if in 5/10/15 years we find that we might have feelings for someone else, we can explore those feelings and commit adultery while my spouse waits for me to find out"

NO, you didn't! Do not allow this behaviour any longer...Take a stand...fight for you M and tell your H you will not tolerate this kind of behaviour! Tell him if he wants to be married then infideltiy will NOT be tolerated...

he wants both of you...he wants his cake and eat it too!