Post deleted by Looking4aClue

I don't think you're paranoid, I think you're enlightened.

It's good you're not confronting her right now. You will need more proof.

She is having an A...I can smell it, breathe it, taste it.

Hang in there. Keep reading the material... you're headed in the right direction to put your marriage back together.

99.9%

I'll hold the remaining .1% because, similarly, we can't be absolutely certain the Red Sox will never win the series.

The good news is that she claims to want to try to work things out.

Take her up enthusiastically with the counseling offer.

You get a book, too: Surviving An Affair. Read it quick and then trade with her.

What are the circumstances of your separation? Who moved where? Kids? What other fianacial arrangements/splits did you make?

Is OM married?

It does explain a few things.

Like how she will talk about counseling, she brought it up first, yet never looked into it..I made the first move and she wouldn't go so I started working on changing me for me.

She mentioned the counselor thing again last week but never moved on it.

Just a lot of roadblocks she keeps putting up to slow the rebuilding process.

It's like there are two people working against each other, one person keeps talking aboutworking thru things. The other person doesn't email during the week or acts standoffish when we are together.

She is living with a lady from work, they are right in the heart of downtown where there is a lot to do. We live out of town about 45 mins, so she is having a grand time getting to go to places so why move back.

We both agreed we needed to move into town or at least closer, because it was a drain to try and do stuff in town. But like I said, it's all talk. Very little action. I am the one changing.

Set up the counseling yourself and tell her when it is.

Better yet, tell her you plan to set it up, when would be a good time for her? If she wavers, set it up just for you and do it. This will give you a one-on-one opportunity with the Pastor to describe what you see and why you think this is an affair, etc. Depending on his reaction, you may decide he isn't qualified to give advice on marriage issues before he has a chance to torpedo your efforts with her there to hear it. See where I'm going with this?

Kids?

How long married?

WAT

Hmmmm - I am guessing there will be over 90 calls in May. That is how it usually goes.

My husband is kind of like your wife. He still talks about counseling for us, and working it out. However he has been LIVING with the OW for over 2 and a half years. I think your wife is talking about stuff with you and meanwhile firming up her relationship with the OM.

Make an appointment. I bet she will find some excuse not to go.

I setup an appointment the 2nd week of our seperation, she said she didn;t think it would help. Counseling wouldn't help the way her heart felt.

She told me after she had dinner with my dad's GF that she wanted to see the pastor for counseling for a more spiritual/biblical counseling. I said I still wanted to see the MC for me for behavior issues. LB and FIL/SIL were written about us, I had neglected the ENs and had a boatload of LBs. But I am working thru that and figuring out stuff thru the IC.

Anyways, she said that she wanted to see the pastor, but never said anymore really. She agreed to go to his church(different from the one we started going to where we live). I said maybe we could talk to the pastor after, she said she watned to check out the church and then maybe see matt at a later time. Another road block.

We are going to dinner tonight, then a play. I spoke with my pastor and sent him the post I posted. He said it sounds fishy too. Hell, the other people I have sent that post to do as well. I said I should ask her in an easy as possible way if she is becoming emotionally involved with the OM.

I haven't read much on the affair side of things. It never really was in the picture until I started seeing the phone logs, 46 in one month is more than one a day.

Well, you could ask - but the hallmark of an affair is lying. My WH never lied before, and suddenly started lying about everything. Also your wife will get more careful.

I doubt that he is out of town. Have you checked that out?

OM's church?

If so, put the Pastor of that church on your exposure list. "I said" or "Pastor said"?

Either way, a good idea if you can do it calmly and constructively and if you haven't already asked her. Have you asked her yet?

If you have already, and assuming she denied everything, don't ask her again. She'll just deny again and it'll be an LB. That said, you have to establish your boundary that an affair is unacceptable. This doesn't mean throwing down the gauntlet and demanding she comply. That won't work. Just express that you consider an affair to be extremely disrespectful and harmful to your marriage. Also say that affairs can be recovered and they do not mean the marriage has to be abandoned.

WAT

This might not mean much to you now but focus on her eyes and her mannerisms tonight. If you get caught up in her words then you have lost the battle. Women's verbal skills so far surpass ours that it is not even funny. She can twist you around her little finger or completely confuse you with her words. It is her eyes and her mannerisms that will give her away if she is doing anything. That is why it is much easier, in general to catch a woman in an A than a man. Men generally do not get as caught up in the A and usually can take it or leave it. Women connect emotionally rather than sexually and that is hard to hide in mannerisms. Men can hide contact because they do not care that much about it but women have to have the constant contact even to the point of getting very reckless. Watch her eyes constantly while talking to see if she constantly looks at you or looks away frequently. See if she looks down during emotional parts of the conversation. Do not paw or get physical with her but gently put your hand on her shoulder or hip and see if the reaction is much different than normal such as she is doing wrong by letting you touch her like that. Watch and you will have your answer shortly.

Sorry, too many pro-nouns. I meant the pastor's churuch who married us. We never went to his church, we knew the pastor thru the W's cousin, the pastor performed the services for the w's cousin.

OM = other man > the scum bag who wants to wash dogs as a business = DW = dog washer


I assume you mean the pastor told you. Pastor didn't talk to the DW, right?

WAT

Looking,

You should be able to check your phone bill on line. Have you tried that?

k

Good lord, I can't get it straight.

I think this is the cake and eat it too syndrome.

Do you have enough money to get counseling here through the Harley's? It is expensive, but then so is divorce. Sometimes just a couple calls can help.

I think you can pretty much assume that the affair is continuing, and OM is NOT out of town.

It is time to quit wondering what is going on and start trying to get ready to win the war, not just one battle.

No, no money for the Harley's right now. I got left with all the bills except her credit cards and student loans.

i am on a tight budget, does that mean I won't spend money to save my marriage, NO. I am seeing a counselor locally. But that is it. Unless she is willing to do a couselling session with the Harley's I doubt I would call.

Naw, she won't call. But pay close attention to all the stuff you read here. It is vital to stick to the plan.

There is no hurry, just bide your time. I know how horrible it feels. But I promise you, you can get through this, and feel great again.

She did call on me on the monday, we hadn't had contact since that friday when we went out on the friday. She asked how I was doing, how my day was, what I did sunday. Asked if I wanted to go to the event we had planned on a few months back.

I pressed her about counseling, she tried to skirt it but I pressed. She said yes but she wanted to see the counselor one on one for a few sessions. I tried to get her to go this week but she never responded back in the email. We are going to the event this weekend, I am going to bring up counseling again, I setup a time already, it's in the evening after work.

Looking - Well, blow me over - I can't believe it. It is good news that the calls have stopped. But your wife has kept trying to call the OM. I wonder what is up with that? It sounds like he may be backing off. Who knows?

Right now, I would be somewhat optimistic. But I would still keep checking.

One thing I noticed is that I didn't call her all weekend since Friday. She was very interested in what I did all weekend. All the way from Monday back to Saturday. She said she wanted to come out Sunday but never heard from me and wondered why I didn't call her about church. I went, but didn't call her.

Monday she said she was bored, thelady she is living with just sat around the house, she wanted to come out and hang out but didn't have a car.

I am "cautiously optimistic", thanks C.C. for that one.

She sent me a floor plan for an apt, we agreed we needed to move from our current place and get closer to town. That was a nice sign.

I hope tommorow goes well. I have planned a bunch of stuff for us, hopefully i don't end up with egg on my face for trying too much too soon. But f it, gotta try.