I have been trying Plan B. My husband is not willing to give up his affair at this point. I have been trying to be calm and distant when I see him. As a part of this, I'm also supposed to try to lose weight and present myself as someone who is changing into someone better. <P>How do people do this? I'm not complaining,I adore my kids, but the time for self-fulfillment is just not there. From working from 6:30am-3pm, picking kids up from school, homework, 1 hr of exercise, preparing dinner, baths, there is no time for myself. When he comes to pick up the kids, I'm not dressed in a seductive wrap-a-round, appearing ready for my secret date. I'm dressed in a pair of sweats, cleaning the toilet. How can I compete with the other woman. She has had no children, has no responsibilities except for a tiny apartment. She has the time to keep herself in shape and the extra money to keep herself well-groomed. She has no pressures in her life, except to please my husband when he gets home from work. <P>Suggestions on how you've coped with this?

Are his appearances pre arranged? If so, then maybe some time management.<P>But, what I am really hearing is resentment. Am I right?<P>TNT

Hi Kate - I'm not sure if you're new here...if so welcome. It's a great place to be considering that no one wants to be here.<P>I too am the betrayed. My W left in June to live with OM. So I guess you can say that I'm in a type of Plan B...I sent her the letter for all the good it's done.<P>I've read 14 books on infidelity since this whole sordid saga began. One thing that is consistent from these experts is that you will NEVER be able to compete with the OP. This is an unfortunate fact. The betrayer's mind is so filled with these infatuation chemicals that everything to them is skewed. In order to justify their affair, they must attempt to believe that there is NOTHING wrong with the OP and EVERYTHING wrong with the spouse.<P>Unfortunately, this manifests itself in extreme, uncharacteristic behavior. My W, who before her affair was a generous, loving person, has turned into a selfish, vindictive, mean-spirited ogre. Plan B is to separate you from your spouse when you can't take the abuse anymore to ensure that they don't drain YOUR lovebank.<P>So Kate, there is nothing you can do to out romance the OP. The only thing you can do is to continue to show your H your love (this is VERY difficult when his behavior is atrocious) by meeting his most important emotional needs and not lovebusting.<P>We're here to support you Kate. Hang in there!!

Hi Kate,<BR> If you are in a true Plan B you should be having little or no contact with H as a way to protect your feelings etc....you should have written him a letter telling him you love him etc .and what to expect if you reconcile.....but then no contact and or very little (if he's coming to get the kids etc)......Lu

Kate--<P>Don't think of it as shooting for drop-dead-gorgeous...if you come running out of the bathroom in spiked heels, a red leather skirt and a Madonna-like conical bra BUT holding the toilet brush, the effect is a bit crippled anyway. Besides, it's easy to sprain an ankle in heels, and who's got time for that?? <P>Time management, that's the ticket. Of course it's on your mind to look your best at those crossing-paths times. But think of it in realistic terms. Look calm and happy. Take just a couple of extra minutes on your makeup. Something different about your hair. Maybe a new outfit that suits you, but stay reasonable; the majority of your time is child-oriented, so something comfortable...but in "your" color. New earrings. These are all things that won't take a chunk out of your already hectic schedule. Plus, they will perk YOU up, and THAT's what will be noticed.<P>------------------<BR>Laura<P>"I cannot care a little for you. I love you only just enough to love you all the way."~~Rod McKuen<BR>

My h has had a girlfriend for over 1.5 years. I learned that instead of working to impress him, i needed to work to impress me. it made me stronger, which made me feel better about me. also, made him notice and realize that i was strong and could move forward with my life without him. that scared him more than anything else i did during this entire ordeal.

Believe it or not, what goes around comes around. I remember being in your shoes 2 years ago. The OW eventually showed her true colors and that was not at all seductive. Continue to be classy and virtuous.

Hi Kate,<P>I'd not posted to you before, but your thread caught my eye this morning. For what it's worth, I'll give you my "guy" perspective. First, I'll qualify it by cautioning that all guys aren't the same (obviously) but the thoughts that follow fit for me...<P>1. SLCDetroit is on to something. Self-confidence. If pressed to pick a single character attribute which drives attractiveness, it's that one for me. <P>Over the years I've come to know and respect many fine women. Strength of character is what sets them apart. And yanoo? Regardless of body type, weight, hair color, etc., virtually ALL of them were attractive, sexy, sensual women.<P>Shattered's right as well. You will have trouble competing with fantasy. And, as many of us have learned in our own experiences, affairs are about temporary loss of sanity. They're hard to sustain as "real life".<P>I hope I'm phrasing this right, but here's the best thing I could think of to offer: just be "you". Be the best "you" possible.<P>It's not about dressing to the "nines". There are times when I adore seeing my wife in sweats, all messed up. And no, this is not some fetish of mine. It's because I love her for all aspects of who she is and what we have together. Yep, sometimes she gets sweaty. So, who doesnt'?