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Post deleted by californiapoppy
"Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?"
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Post deleted by californiapoppy
"Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?"
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While married to you, he's posting pictures with ow on family web-site? That is tasteless. I am so sorry to hear of what you are going through. I have no words of wisdom.
How much reading have you done on this site? A good book for you to read might be "Surviving An Affair".
I know that the 18 months I spent attending S-Anon to help me deal with my x's sexual issues was very helpful. It is the co-addict group for people who have family members with sexual addiction issues. It sounds as if you might well qualify. It is a 12-step group much like Al-Anon.
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I am so sorry you have to go through this...hopefully we can help you get through it...
Some food for thought, something to ponder...
Do you really want to be involved in a family that doesn't have a problem with what your WH is doing? Whose morals are so skewed? What else are they willing to tolerate? It is kinda obvious why he doesn't have a problem with it, nobody else does.
When you get a chance to think about it, reflect back on everything that has happened in your marriage, you may come to the realization that your WH was NEVER faithful to you. I mean never, from the time you were dating.
Are you interested in reconciling with this man?
If you now know about 5-7 PA's that he TOLD you about, imagine how many he didn't tell you about?
I know you are hurting, the pain is raw and I am sorry for that. Maybe you can look up a local S-anon in your area to get a better grip on what he is.
Secondly, you have to protect your kid from this. Do not agree on 50/50, or shared parenting, or any other wacky idea that has your kid bed hopping across town 2-3 times a week. He needs a base, a home, not a hotel room. Remember CP, you are the sane and rational one here and your kid needs your protection. You have a son right? You really want him to learn that this is what you do in a Marriage? That it is acceptable? How do you think your WH learned?
People are right CP, there is somebody better out there. Nobody has to put up with this disrespect, but if you are considering trying to fix things, I would start with your local S-Anon and get some books out of the library about Sexual Addictions before you try. You may decide something different after reading.
He was never faithful to you and he won't be faithful to the OW either.
Good Luck CP...keepp posting
RebornMan
"Who are you" said the Caterpillar
This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation.
Alice replied, rather shyly, "I--I hardly know, sir, just at present...At least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then."
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This doesn't help with the pain but it will help with the future. It's a realist bit of thought.
If you know he has had 5-8 affairs, STD testing is in order. And, of course, vigilant safety practices from here on out.
RM is right about several things. If his family has no problems with what he is doing, they are not a healthy bunch of people.
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And I'll throw in that men who have continual affairs generally don't come from healthy families. There is usually something in their past to make them the way they are and it takes a good bit of counseling to pull up the root of the problem.
There are also church based groups such as celebraterecovery that may offer help depending upon where you live for those trapped in addictive sexual behavior.
I'm sorry for you pain......
Art
Romans 7:24 Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? 25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin.
Married to my beautiful and gracious wife 26 years
1 son 1 daughter both grown
In SA recovery since July 2003
Christian faith
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So sorry. The pain must be killing you.
Is custody going to be an issue? I would copy the website with the pictures he posted to a CD and keep it for my attorney. It may not be strictly illegal to flaunt his affair and use the family website as the vehicle for this, but it IS in very poor taste and shows flawed judgment. And you may have a custody/visitation battle on your hands.
He has handed you ammunition. Use it.
Are there really no family members who became upset or disgusted with him for his putting his affair pictures on their website?
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Post deleted by californiapoppy
"Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?"
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They have no contact with me now since I told his sister, cousin and aunt the truth that he's living with his adulterous affair partner. I embarrassed and shamed them by revealing the truth, and they'll have nothing to do with me now. Shoot the messenger! A common phenomenon. May I make a suggestion? Consider that, while it is very painful now, do you think it will be less painful if you get back together and he continues to cheat, blame you for not "being the one" - and his family continues to reject you? This may be your one opportunity to break free of this dysfunction. If that's the right choice for you, consider cutting your losses soon. Otherwise it'll be like removing a bandaid - you can pull it off slowly and prolong the pain, or just rip and be done with it.
Waiting for dawn...
...but not afraid of the dark.
DDay: Sept 26, 2004
Moved out: Dec 16, 2004
D Final: Oct 10, 2006
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I still feel love for him, as much as I wish I could stop loving him. I'm so sad thinking of what we could have had... I've never been with any other man. I was 14 when we met and 19 when we married.
I was a month from my 15th birthday when I met my XH and 19 when we married as well. It is hard when they are basically the only one you were really serious about.
I would be lying if I said I don't think about my XH anymore or that I don't still care about him or miss him from time to time. I thought I was going to die when this 2nd affair first started, and I've wondered if I did the right thing by DV him.
While single life is sort of lonely for me, and I miss things about him, what I realize is that our relationship was so unhealthy for all those years that I never knew what it was like to not be "walking on eggshells" around him or worrying about what he was going to do next.
Life is peaceful now. My blood pressure is lower. The kids have both noted how much better we get along and how nice it is not to have him yelling and cursing and angry around us all the time. And I'm to a place where I no longer worry about what he's doing with her, nor do I really care. It still breaks my heart that someone I loved, who had so much potential, is totally destroying their life but I realize how much better off I am not being in that mess anymore.
You hurt now and you're scared. But if you have no guarantee that he will change, do you really want to stay in that type of relationship and wonder what is going on each time he acts a little weird?
Miracles can happen. He could change. And if he did, things might be great. But I'll also tell you that I believe with 99% certainty that if you do end up apart, given time to heal, you will find that you are much more calm and at peace than you've ever been before.
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Do you really want to be involved in a family that doesn't have a problem with what your WH is doing? Whose morals are so skewed? What else are they willing to tolerate? It is kinda obvious why he doesn't have a problem with it, nobody else does. [color:"green"] [/color] His parents claim to be strong Christians, but what their family and others think of them is more important than anything else. They claim to others to have the perfect Christian kids, perfect house, perfect dog, perfect grandkids etc... it's all about appearances. They have no contact with me now since I told his sister, cousin and aunt the truth that he's living with his adulterous affair partner. I embarrassed and shamed them by revealing the truth, and they'll have nothing to do with me now. Aaaah Poppy, nothing better than the "Good Christian"...probably have no problem passing judgements on others (you found that out) but attack their "perfect Christian" world and it's YOU that has the problem. I'll let you in on a secret Poppy, You didn't embarrass or shame them their son did but they can't toss him overboard so they'll toss you. It's really sick and like I said above...DO you really want to be involved with a family like this? You think if you were to get back together again it would change? I don't know these people personally but I do know people like this and trust me, they will protect him to the end no matter what...they are the kind of people that blame YOU for his infidelity. Their "perfect christian" son would never do anything like this unless he was forced too, and guess who forced him? Makes me sick... When you get a chance to think about it, reflect back on everything that has happened in your marriage, you may come to the realization that your WH was NEVER faithful to you. I mean never, from the time you were dating. [color:"green"] [/color] He has told me that he has never been faithful over 10 years of marriage. He was in the Marines while we were engaged- you are right, it is likely he cheated then too. Before our Retrouvaille weekend, I learned he had an affair with a woman he met on the internet. She was married with two kids, one of whom was the product of an affair she had while married to her husband. This was the only affair I knew of until he decided to tell me about all the others at our son's karate class two weeks ago. There is your answer Poppy, he has never been faithful. Your husband doesn't know what that means but he sure would have been pissed had he found out you had the nerve to cheat on him right? He has NEVER been faithful...is that something you could live with, or recover from?Are you interested in reconciling with this man? [color:"green"] [/color] I don't know- I want to say no, but I still feel love for him, as much as I wish I could stop loving him. I'm so sad thinking of what we could have had... I've never been with any other man. I was 14 when we met and 19 when we married. Of course you love him, you always will. In time that intense emotion fades as you grow and learn and heal from his actions. They are his actions Poppy, not yours...remember that. You had one idea of married life and he had another, unfortunately you can't make him change, you are going to change a lot, for the better in the end. It is one of the side benefits of going through this the right way, we become better people, parents and partners.Secondly, you have to protect your kid from this. Do not agree on 50/50, or shared parenting, or any other wacky idea that has your kid bed hopping across town 2-3 times a week. He needs a base, a home, not a hotel room. Remember CP, you are the sane and rational one here and your kid needs your protection. You have a son right? You really want him to learn that this is what you do in a Marriage? That it is acceptable? How do you think your WH learned? [color:"green"] [/color] I agree, I think his custody proposal is quite frankly insane. No way it would be best for our son to have that level of instability in his life. WH still thinks I don't know he and OW are living together, or that I know he spent the night with her in our home and she helped him pack and move out... he has no idea how many people have come to me and told me they saw him and her together... everyone knows, from our neighbors to people from church to families at our son's school... and yet he thinks no one knows and he's getting away with it. Sick. Don't give in on the custody, it is the most important thing you can take care of right now, your kid. BTW, if you haven't told everybody yet, now is the time. DO not allow him to spin this into anything other than what it is...a disgusting affair, don't let him turn the tables on you and make this breakup about you...it isn't...it's about his cheating. Expose it now, to everybody that matters Poppy. You will feel better and trust me good people in your life will come forward to help you emotionally, you'll find people out there that want to help you. Also, it would help if your Husband knew everybody knows, he will find out if you expose yourself but that's up to you. I did it because first I hoped to end the affair and second because I wasn't going to let her walk away and trash me. People are right CP, there is somebody better out there. He was never faithful to you and he won't be faithful to the OW either. [color:"green"] [/color] I can't imagine ever being with anyone else- he's my whole adult life. As far as him cheating on OW, he says he never will because she's "the one" whereas he and I were all wrong for each other... and he says he doesn't lie anymore now that I'm out of his life and that with her he only tells the truth. I feel kinda like that's blaming me for the lying and the infidelity.
THink about it this way, he doesn't know how to be faithful and neither does his OW. One of them will cheat (most likely him) if he couldn't be true with the woman he had children with and made a vow's to in front of God and family, what are the chances he will now? It isn't for you to worry about now though, it doesn't matter if he cheats on her because he won't be cheating on you anymore.
The pain takes time, healing takes time but you do deserve better than what he will give you and what his family is putting you through.
I am certainly not telling you what you should do, we all have to live with our own decisions, I just want you to be sure of your options before you make your decision. Nobody will fault you if you get a divorce because you have every right to one including through the church, nobody will fault you if you try to reconcile the right way because it is the honorable thing to do too.
I feel for you Hun...it'll get better either way...I've been there, I know what it is like.
Here's to you getting stronger and better everyday...Cheers!
"Who are you" said the Caterpillar
This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation.
Alice replied, rather shyly, "I--I hardly know, sir, just at present...At least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then."
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