It amazes me so much of reading some of this and see how much they are the same. I been lurking for a while, but never had the guts to actually post. I am not sure I would still post this, but might do me good just typing.

Excluding issues long ago before marriage D-day was 2/26/2005. Although suspesion existed before. I wanted to gather hard evedients before confronting, just an email made me lose it. It started by only getting a little at a time. Over a three day period the story became more detailed. I ran away to my parents. My brother commited suicide about a year and a half with the family belief is over a relationship (I am a very firm believer since I talked to him less than 24 hours before he was discovered) and I had those thoughts and I did want my parents to have the unknown. After spilling my guts I was eager to get back home. I missed my wife and my children. When I got back I felt totally screwed up. The WAT quick start was something I wish I read back in March. I truely felt (and still do at times) that I am the only one who wants the relationship. Well, I read Surviving An Affair and that shed light on things. Went to the MB weekend too although might been to soon. At least my emotions do not have extremes thanks to paxil. It was physically exhausting.

Although my problems still exist. In April I went to the OM house to see his lifestyle and found our vehicle. Suppose to be her "saying good bye" as she was "doing it for me" and recently I caught her in a lie about her where abouts. On top of it I decided to try to quiet nicotine again starting last Sunday. So:

Any idea to help calm my doubts? When the phone rings I think it must be him and such....

When will the suicide thoughts go away? I had them over what has happened. Then over what I did in the past (Lover busters), and so on. Now it seems to be a mix, but more often but not as intense at times.

Did anyone else went to individual counseling thinking they need help with this one issue and come out feeling you been so screwed up even before marriage?

Yes. I have only been to one IC who was very good, and then I went into a six week workshop she ran which helped me more than I can ever say.

I often used to feel worse after IC before her.

Anyway, Hi Mutt!

Glad you decided to post, and have been so deligently educating yourself.

As far as the suicide feelings go, I had tried to commit suicide in my late 20's. Took me about three years to climb out of that black hole but I didn't use A/D's. I suffered needlessly and probably would have healed that much quicker if I had.

My point is, you are doing everything right from the sounds of it to me. You may not be able to get through this if she is having continued contact unless you have some control over your life. That is why Plan B comes after Plan A. At some point the BS must take back control of his life or suicide would be a very real concern, as you are finding out.

Hang in there Mutt okay? If you are like I was way back then, the long holiday weekends hit me very hard. So stay here and talk to people if you get to feeling really bad.

weaver

Welcome to MB Mutt. Sorry you have to be posting here, but glad you found this place just the same.

You've probably read enough to know that you are on the roller coaster ride of your life - up, down, up, down. You probably already are aware that many WSs relapse and you suspect your wife might be one of them. Perhaps she is. But you are doing the right thing seeking IC for yourself. Making yourself stronger and sorting through some of your personal problems is a great place to start.

Don't beat yourself up forever about the Love Busters. We all do them.... what you are about now is changing those ways and building a better marriage.

Hang in there.

~ Snow