I do alot of online reading, and I found a bunch of information based on dealing with guilt. I know for me personally God was a major role for me to deal with guilt, but not all of us are Christians, and this information is good for either one.

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this was taken from a psycological self-help site.

Past-oriented (guilt) vs Future-oriented (responsibility)

my guilt=my badness vs my fault=my responsibility
remorse=self-torture vs regret=wish to change things
contrition=anguish vs humility=ambition to do one's best
"It should have been" vs "It can be better in the future"
wallowing in past sins vs planning future improvements

This is a powerful argument for focusing on planning a responsible future, instead of dwelling on your (or anybody's) guilt of the past. It is a way to atone. Don't use it as a way to cop out and forget your transgressions, because this will encourage you to be immoral again.

Suppose you decide you have done something immoral--something inconsiderate and hurtful. It is possible to regret that action, to believe it was ethically wrong, without feeling terribly guilty. If, you assume responsibility for your mistakes (no one else can), you can now plan the future so that you make up for your wrongdoings. As in 12-step programs, you can atone; you can right the wrongs. There are some cautions: guard against doing things that would re-open old wounds in others, just to relieve your guilt. Don't assume there is no way to make up for the past.

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Even though I have gone a Christian route - it has a very similar basis (except that I believe in Jesus Christ as my savior, and make atonements through Him alone.)

But, what this says, is that we need to make ammendments in order to overcome guilt. Concentrate on the changes we can make as people, not on the things that we did that were wrong. We cannot undo them, and to dwell on them is unproductive.

Get into IC, figure out the "message" of your affair, know why it happened, even if you don't understand it completely, change who you are, protect your weaknesses, get into programs that will help you with your addiction to affection, addiction to love, addiction to attention, addiction to sex, co-dependency, depression - any of these that helped you justify your poor choice to have an affair.

But DWELLING on it, beating yourself up - is not productive. Plan on how it will NEVER happen again, make plans, make changes, solve the problem. This ALL helps with guilt.

It's hard when your BS, might be reminding you all the time of what you did, or the hurt you see on his/her face reminds you of what you did, or the way things are so different now reminds you of how you screwed up....getting depressed about it will not help. Plan on how you will make it better from this day on....you can't change it, you can only learn from it, change, and prevent it - be a better person from it.

It didn't need to happen, that's the sad part...but what is done is done. Focus on the furture, and not the past. Learn all you can about YOURSELF and what your issues are. Be the best you can be for your spouse, for yourself, for you children - THIS IS YOUR WAKE UP CALL. Don't blow it on guilt and shame.

-dorry

Thanks. I needed that.

dorry,

I don't know that the following may relate to your thread but here goes.

A couple of years ago I opened the front door to get the Sunday paper when I inadvertedly yanked and ripped the toe nail from my left foot. The initial pain was excruciating but instead of grimacing, cursing, howling with pain and making attempts to reach for my ripped toe nail, [color:"blue"]I forced myself to remain calm and letting the pain flow through me[/color][color:"red"] without resisting it[/color]. It did not eliminate the pain but it significantly reduced it and eventually made it bearable. Granted that physical pain and emotional pain are different but they share similar dynamics and one is that the more you resist and hold on to the pain, the stronger it becomes. Anger, guilt, sadness are best handled if they are acknowledged and treated as normal, instead of resisting and holding on to them which only makes them stronger.

You may want to consider reading the book 'The Sedona Method' by Jack Canfield, Hale Dwoskin. It can show you how to move out of being "stuck on a feeling" and help you to release yourself from guilt, shame, fear, which no longer serves you well.

Lastly, be careful when you open your front door and you find yourself barefooted <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />


TMCM

great addition TMCM

I took a course at a pastoral college in the winter and one of the classes was about repentance.

As a Christian, this is a fairly known them. Really though, you don't need to be a Christian to repent.

Basically, acknowledge your transgression. Accept responsibility for not only the sin, but the thinking behind the sin. Adopt a new, better way of thinking.

Repentance doesn't just mean confessing. It means adopting an attitude and a pattern of thinking that makes repeating the sin impossible.

True repentance brings such a freedom from guilt that it's absolutely awesome.

As Christians, we say that guilt is a tool of the devil. It's a negative emotion, designed to oppress, damage and prevent growth. Whether you believe in God or not, the theory is the same.

John

I had a similar experience some years ago. I was showing off to my employees how fast I could put in a framing nail. Well, I missed and with an Estwing hammer (thin blade-like shank) I nearly chopped my thumb off.

Instead of swearing or yelling, I calmly looked at my men and said, 'oops'.

Then I threw that hammer as far and as hard as I could. It has never hurt me since.

...

er... I think it's quite possible that it's time for me to go to bed now. Five minutes ago I tried (unsuccessfully) to light a cigarette with a glass of water.

Sorry for the nonsensical thread-jack...

dewt signing out, wondering why in the world he's even going to post this...

Dorry, good post.

Dorry
thats all true BUT I still find it very hard to totally forgive myself when I see what I have done and how it has affected Aussie. I go to IC & MC - mostly alone - I dissect it, discuss it, pick it apart .... I look at the driving forces behind it and STILL feel at a loss to get past the last hurdle.
Maybe thats impossible until his anger, hurt & pain has been relieved and he can move forward in his recovery , maybe its right that its like this. It is easier for me than for him.