I realized that what's my husband needs - solitude...and if I dont give him that I will loose him.

Someone on recover said to me - it's probalby his current #1 need, and it will mean alot if I meet that need...

My question here is - has any of you FBS's needed solitude...I mean - on a good day - I get maybe an hour of his time total in coversation or whatever. On a bad day like this, I am lucky if it's more than 10 words to me.

If you were one that needed solitude, despite your FWS's wanting to work it out, how long did it last, what turned you around?

I know he is rebuilding his self-esteem, figuring out who he is, etc... I am currently working very hard at protecting my love for him, as some days, the lack of love and want leave me fighting some minor bitterness that I feel creeping in. I find the good days a tease that are so painful. I wont risk bitterness, so I find myself detaching as much as possible to prevent anything from ruining the love I have for him.

My heart hurts for what he is going through - so much.

Anyone done this? Just went seperate and alone to figure yourself out, even though FWS was there, willing, working hard to change? How long did it last? What was your turning point?

Cause he doesn't talk to me, just trying to understand, trying to know what's going on.

Take a look at His Needs/Her Needs again. Your H needs to digest his feelings and work it out himself. Both the Fws and BS needs to do this. Why? Well the WS can become an Fws but a BS does not become an XBS, they go from BS to either H/W or divorced.

When the Fws comes back, the BS needs to time to heal. Each BS person has their own way to heal. You want to heal quicker than maybe he can. That is why he needs his space.

The quicker you return, the harder it initially maybe for him to recover. Remember he still has to process his anger and resolve to himself that it is safe to trust you again.

Your quicker recovery may be scaring him. Please be patient. The same addage goes for the Fws. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. Throw in lots of patience and keep improving your inner soul. In time your beauty will be visible for his heart to see and feel. Then he can feel safe enough to love again.

take care,
L.

thanks orchid

i re-read that book so much - but sometimes it's so hard. And improving everyday...just so lonely...

I appreciate this reply - very much so. these things just help me go on. i come back and re-read posts like this all the time...

in ways I don't trust myself. This sort of distance was common for him here and there before...and added to my cycle of resentment pre-A. I am terrified that i won't get through this, that I will crack again...at the same time, I have set up safe guards with people around me, church etc...but it terrifies me to be feeling so alone again and afraid of myself.

i know nothing will happen...but it's scary when you feel some little things that were familiar during the fog time...you almost panic.

thanks so much for this post Orchid - i think I might be able to sleep now..although kids will be up in about 2.5 hours...lol

DS,

Your fears are common. Being taken to the edge is not a pleasant ride. You have both been at the edge and one of you still is out on the edge while the other one is pancking.....watching and waiting. It is a hard place t/b. Right now the hardest thing t/d is watch. Wait and watch. Your imagination goes into overtime. Know that this is short term but he does need his space to figure things out for himself. Also guys are sometimes slower to digest this kind of emotional stuff. The urge to run away from it all is great. Let him know that if he feels this way you understand but really want him to be with his family.

Remember some guys are just find it harder to face their emotions. Ask if he would like to chat with Steve. Just them 2.

take care,
L.

wasn't my imagination orchid...had a bad morning.

But he has asked me not to talk publicly on the forum anymore and keep it in IM's and such, so I wont go into details.

Step by Step we will see where it goes..Right now we are going to set up some framework for our future - keep it simple and small to start.

I meant it is easy for our imaginations to take off when we don't know what else is going on. As for your H's request to stop posting here. Mine asked me to also. I said I understand his request and asked how can I be helped as I am being helped here? What is he willing t/d to help me because I need support since I was NOT getting it from him.

Basically I put the level of responsibility on him. Sometimes our spouses try to limit our support and still expect us to make it. That is not healthy.

Again, hear his requests, acknowledge it and then ask for his help on giving you support. This will take time. Be patient and wait for his response. If he doesn't then say, you will wait for his response and until then do what you must to keep yourself safe and healthy. Don't put him in a corner, he may say you are forcing him to give you support, tell him no but that you do need it and if he can't provide it, you understand but for your health's sake must get it elsewhere. Then say, when he is ready to help to let you know.

I did this with my H (xws) and it took time but I emphaszed health and safety verses filling a need and he had little room to argue on those points. Just a matter of delivery, I guess.

take care,
L.

DS,
If you want a window into the heart and mind of a male BS, (make that this male BS, me! We’re not all the same…we just look that way, LOL) and how long it may take for him to get back to “normal,” then think about him coming back from something like….say…

…a level of betrayal that is so complete as to give you the feeling that every word in confidence that you ever spoke to your best and most trusted friend in the world was being repeated to the worst enemy that you ever had in the world.

And the images? Think about picturing the two of them together talking about you…laughing at you…enjoying the pain you felt and described to your “best” friend in confidences you shared; with the one person you felt safe enough to speak it all too.

Think about the two of them, enjoying your moments of embarrassment and humiliations together…as a form of entertainment. Think about them waiting to hear more so that they could be entertained further…as if by they the next chapter in the novel you call your life.

Think about how stupid you would feel for having let this friend play you and lie to you so well that you felt safe telling her all. Think how this would make you feel.

Now think of the additional images in your BH’s mind…seeing you in bed with him; the OM. You and the OM, laughing and playing together. Enjoying private jokes and confidences. Doing the private things to you you like…that only he, your H thought he knew about…And in your H’s mind listening to you tell the OM how much better he (the OM) was and how much more you enjoyed being with him.

So your H needs a little time alone…to figure out what’s real and what’s in his imagination…or weather the things you say now are true as compared to the other things you used to tell him were true…think about the confusion…think about the return of a WW claiming undying love and caring…think about what he is being asked to believe…AGAIN! And then think about that same WW standing there demanding attention…understanding…forgiveness…Think about the neediness that that same WW is now communicating. The need to be listed to so that she can relieve herself of her guilt maybe?

Sorry, DS. We big dumb males of the species don’t have a lot in the way of feelings and sensitivity but we do have our moments…LOL…brief moments for sure but we do have them. So what I’m trying to say is be patient. Be very patient. Understand that “it’s” not always about you. Sometimes it just takes a while to get it right…again.

Sorry that you’re in this spot.
Coach.

DS,

Coach gave you a heavy dose of reality, but don't think he is exagerating by any means!

It has been a year since my Dday and I was just folding and putting away the laundry and saw some very sexy, skimpy, undies in geeze's drawer that I DON'T EVER REMEMBER SEEING ON HER!! So down on the rollercoaster I go.

To answer your question, though. I would think your presence at his side to answer questions, or to hug and stroke, or to just be there, would help more than your absence. Unless he is insistent that he be alone.

How long has it been since your Dday?

K

Bump for Hiker