Do most married people end up settling for less in order to preserve the "sacred covenent" of marriage? It has been 7 months since I found out that the man I married was not who he pretended to be. He had been cheating on me throughout our entire courtship, but of course he claims that the PA stopped after our wedding. However, the cell phone records proved that he continued to talk to her months into our marriage.

Trust is SOOOO very important in a marriage. A WS losing the trust of the BS is not grounds for divorce (my opinion), however, an A is grounds. But if you decided for whatever reason to forgive your BS and work on your marriage, is that settling for less then you bargained for when you got married?

In my situation, the A occurred during our courtship and my H and I had a long distance relationship. 3 months into our marriage I wake up one morning and realize that my H will lie to me, cheat on me (if he thinks that he can get away with it) and the most damming thing to me is that he will not share his deepest intimate thoughts and feelings with me, but he will try to make me feel like he has and then there will be little clues later to reveal that something else is going in that mind of his. This is settling for less. In the deepest part of my heart, I see no future with this man.

Let me add, that my husband appears on the outside to be one of the few good men out there. He is a wonderful provider, has taken on the role of father to 2 children that aren’t his biologically and supports me in everything that I do. He doesn’t seem to have any major hang ups, with drugs, alcohol, porn addiction or gambling. I could go on and on. BUT... here I go again… Are these things really who he is? Is it all a lie also? Or just showing me what he wants me to see?

How many of us BS feel like we are settling for less? That we will never be able to trust our WS’s again, in the same way before the betrayal. Is it worth it in the end? I feel like I’m sacrificing my happiness and for what? For someone who didn’t appreciate what he had in the first place? What is the BS sacrificing?

Your post interested me because I am feeling that way too.
I am thinking that I am settling for less than I want and deserve for the sake of the marriage.


Wow, that is powerful. Especially the part about he will make you feel like he's shared his thoughts and then there will be little clues later....

I fear that I will never trust my WH again. It has been 6 months since D-Day #1 and 2 1/2 mo since D-Day #2. In my heart I have truly forgiven him for actually having the affair but I cannot seem to come close to forgiveness for the fact that he never stopped seeing her, even after he promised me he did. I think he was snickering at me the whole time - thinking he really had me fooled.



Many years ago, I remember when I came to the realization that he did not appreciate what he had. My WH has a very angry temper and I did not grow up around people like that. He gets annoyed so easily by little things that people do. Everyone, not just me, but you can't help take it personally, ya know??
If I talk too much, that annoys him, then if I don't talk, he wonders what's wrong. If I stay up too late and he's in bed, he keeps coming out asking me if I'm coming to bed and he wants me in there. If I snuggle too much while we are in bed, then he doesn't like that either. So, which way is it????

Every day I still break down in tears at some point, usually driving to or from work. That is better than it used to be though I guess because the A consumed my every thought, every moment of the day. How are your days white_dove777?
Are you angry? Do you wonder what he's up to when you are not with him?
Anyway, I agree with your post and often feel, even though I love him, I'm not so sure that love will be enough and that in the end we just may not stay together anyway.

Thanks so much for replying to my post.

..."My WH has a very angry temper..."

Have you been to MC yet? Or tried to work on this problem with him?

..."In my heart I have truly forgiven him for actually having the affair but I cannot seem to come close to forgiveness for the fact that he never stopped seeing her, even after he promised me he did. I think he was snickering at me the whole time - thinking he really had me fooled."...

My exact word and thoughts! I have forgiven him, and I have moved on with my life. Yep I too, use to cry to and from work, everyday. But now those emotional attacks come fewer and farther between with time. Yes I have moved on with my life, but I’m moving on without my husband. In some ways it’s like we are living separate lives in the same household. After I found out about the A, I have a very difficult time sharing everything with my H. Heck we haven’t even been married a year.

Is it possible to REALLY ever have a great M after an A? How can you really ever trust your WS after an A? The kicker about that is, with an A (I’m not talking about a one-night stand type A); it takes a lot of effort and energy to go out of the way to cheat. And there is never just one lie. Once the lies and covering up begins it continues way past the point of when the A ends. I just don’t think that it’s possible to regain what you lost b/c of an A. Your relationship might shift directions, but you can never have back that true physical intimacy that should be only shared btw H & W. B/c the BS has shared themselves with someone else, breaking that bond of fidelity forever. And you can NEVER get that back. I would love to hear other people’s opinions, opposing or agreeing.

I thought I finally found someone after 34 years, that thinks the same way I do, shares the same religious beliefs that I do, family values etc. etc. and most of all someone who felt the same about fidelity as I do. Then I marry him and I find out that he has cheated on me just like EVERY other man that has been in my life! Whoa, what a complete let down. What the heck can I do, now? He “claims”, the PA occurred prior to and up until our wedding day. I moved me and my 2 children 2000 miles away from home to be with my H. Now I’m pregnant. And to top it off, he left for a 6 month deployment May 7th. I would lose my insanity if I didn’t move on with my life. He promised to do all of these things, go through MB principles, go to a MC, get a bigger wedding ring (you know an “I’m sorry” gift) and of course he hasn’t done one thing that he promised to do. I guess as long as I don’t keep making a big deal out of it. Maybe I’m making it too easy for him. I’m not a complainer or nagger; I’m not a passive person either. I just feel like why do I need to keep reminding him to do something that he should WANT to do b/c he loves me and feels bad about what he did?

HI
I know I might get grief from you. I am the WS. I had an online/phone EA, no PA. My H knew I was having phone sex w/ the OM because he was benefitting from it, but found out I fell in love w/the guy.

Anyway, I wanted to address the settling because I'm afraid i sort of feel that way too. My H ignored, neglected and was selfish thru most of our M. Put video games, pot, trips w/ his friends before me. Now we are trying to work on things and he says he's going to change. But like you, I'm not sure if I believe he can really change. I'm not sure I even love him anymore. Should we settle for less just to keep the marraige together for the kids? Will I feel tempted again for someone else if I don't love my H? Should I live w/out being in love?

For the 2 of you I really don't know if you can trust a WS after an A. Unless they are really bending over backwards to show you they have changed. Being a WS, the temptation is there, I think, to slip back into it unless there are real serious negative to them consequences. I would say if they really aren't showing much effort to change, then they are not going to. IF they want to stay married to you, they should have to earn that back. There's only so much you can put up with.

I say this as a struggling WS who is ambivalent right now about my M. My A has ended though, and I'm trying to face what to do with my M. It seems to me if they can't show the effort to change, they won't. I know from experience its hard to change that behavior if you feel there's nothing left in the M to go back to.

good luck to you
-win

I think this part of a repeat offender type betrayal is VERY hard to deal with... although my WH swears this never happened, how am I supposed to believe that?!

It is hard not to feel as if he was laughing at me and my ignorance...how willing I was lead like a cattle to slaughter... he says no, but he has *said* alot of things lately that were all lies!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Is there any hope? I know my ending has yet to be written although the fact lady is keying up.... lalalala!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

There is only so much one person can take before they throw their hands up in disgust and walk away! Got my boots on and I am ready to cruise...

white_dove

I ask myself that question very often. Sometimes I loose sleep over it. I toss and turn and wonder about it; afterall, when I was single I had so many men trying to just ask me out on a date, it was a battle to get out in the town. Even nowadays some of those same men are waiting in the wings like vultures more like, to see when I'll dump my FWH and give them the time of the day.

Knowing this makes me feel like maybe I should jump out of this train, go look for greener pastures.
But after 5 years of loss, pain, and struggle I would feel like so many tears, sweat and blood would be lost, and I wouldn't know if this could actually work out for the best or not.

I have my limits well stablished. I have my boundaries and they are unbreakable. My FWH has kept honest and trying his hardest for the last 2 years. I won't give up untill I feel I have given it my all, and I won't give up unless he breaks my boundaries or I reach my limit.

I have the hope that one day I can wake up, look back, and be sure that it all was worth it.

Win:

Thanks for your reply. You brought up some good points. Initially I was very tempted to cheat as well, and at the least I was looking for male companionship and understanding from someone other than my H, b/c he had hurt me so bad. There are plenty of men from the past that are waiting in the winds for my M to be over and for them to have another chance with me. I wonder if I will end up finding myself involved in an A somewhere down the road, all b/c of this mess. You know looking for something to fill that void in my M? The sad thing about my situation is that my H cheated on me 1 month into our courtship and continued the relationship into our M. We had a great relationship, and he must have thought so as well b/c he asked me to marry him. He wasn’t lacking anything. Heck we had never even had an argument before we got married!

TNT:
Good luck, I hope that you will make a decision that is right for you. I can’t imagine going through this again. W/o a doubt if he cheats again, then I’m out the door and not looking back. His lost not mines!

Wife:
Wonder words of wisdom and encouragement!

Reply to White_dove: \
yes, we tried MC but it was right after I found out and only went to right before Dday #2. On the last visit to MC, he was committed to working out our marriage and he was done with OW, and blah, blah, blah.....all lies. I want to give MC another chance but he doesn't think we need to - ya right. I can see that we will never make it on our own. That is becoming very clear I guess and it just makes me so sad.


Interesting statement to me, as that is how we were before the A. We co-existed but that is about it. We each did our own things and unfortunately for us, that was not a good thing, because we stopped caring about each other. Please don't let this happen to you. Since your marriage is still new maybe you can change that before the habit of doing your own thing sets in. It leaves you wondering years later if you wasted your time.

I think back now - geez, I deserved to be loved. I deserved someone who treated me decent. I am a nice person and unfortunately I take crap from people and give everyone the benefit of the doubt. It leaves you hurt a good amount of the time, ya know?
I do love my husband but a part of me feels like these have been wasted years. I guess I'm down in the dumps these days because he is not sorry and not begging to come back and not begging me to forgive him. And, it aint gonna happen as far as I can see. He is being nicer and acknowledging things I do but it isn't enough for me. I feel like he is very slowly reverting back to his old angry ways.


Wow! that is so true!!!! It is always in the back of my mind. It's the breaking the bond thing that is so hurtful. I told my WH that I can't wear my ring because it's a symbol and the vows that he made to me were broken. (He has always said that marriage is just a piece of paper.) Real nice, huh?? So, I'm sure that he doesn't care that I don't wear my wedding ring because to him it doesn't mean anything anyway.
He knows how I feel about the vows being broken too and I don't see him making any effort try to make me feel married to him again. (Our anniversary is coming up and I'd mentioned after Dday that it would be nice if we could renew our vows on our anniversary.) I see now that that was way too much to ask. I don't think either of us are ready for that, even though I want to SO BAD!! It would at least make me feel like he is honestly more committed to me.

When is your baby due white_dove? Will your H be home for the birth? Emotions are hard enough to deal with during pregnancy -- I'm so sorry he's not there with you to help you through it. It has to be very hard to work on the M with him so far away also. I guess my statement earlier about co-existing really didn't make sense then, if he CANT be there. I'm sure there is a difference!!

To win bin ---no grief here from me!! I always appreciate hearing from a WS because it helps me so much to put things in perspective from my WH's point of view.



I agree!!!!!!!!!!!! That is why I still wonder. Heck we had two ddays, why not three?? He seemed to really be sorry after dday #2 but maybe he's just gotten better at hiding things. It is all based on trust and I just cant muster that up in me, even though there haven't been any recent signs that he is still seeing her.
Thanks for you view on things--it helps keep things in perspective.


TNT_RN , good to hear from you again. I am so sorry for you that you had Dday #3!!! I haven't been on the boards much lately and I didn't know until I read your sig line.
I will have to catch up on your story. I'm so sorry!! Hang in there!!!


Suzy

I was going to start this thread, thank god someone else did.

I won't say much right now except Divorce keeps entering my mind more and more even though my wife is being nicer and coming out of the Fog.

She told me about one month ago "I'll never be the Loving wife you want me to be." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

That statement killed me.

Why should I stay?

Why shouldn't I let her go and be happy and me also?

I keep wanting to stay but then my mind brings up that Puppy Love happiness I think may be out there.

Maybe I'm in the FOG also. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I pray that God does the right thing. I truly want both of us to be happy even if it's with someone else.

Thanks for hearing me rant.

Andrew

My feelings exactly. It is the lies that are killing me. The actual sex part almost gets lost (almost) in the midst of all these lies. WH has lied so often for so long, that I feel it is impossible for him to come clean to me now.
The lies are definetly the worst part of whole mess. At least most of y 'all's spouses have confessed one way or another. I doubt if I ever will hear those words.

I, too, feel that it will be a very long time, if ever, I will be able to trust him again. I, as so many, never ever thought he would do that to us. The day I first smelled another's perfume on him (pretty much my d day) was like finding out that there was no Santa Claus.
It has never been the same in my mind since.

I question if this is worth it about a thousand times a day. I teeter toter back and forth on this all the time. Do I stay or do I go ??? I guess I can not go until I have given this M my very best shot. I feel that before A, my actions contributed to his decision. Not making excuses for him, that is for sure. But the climate of the M was ripe for an A.

thanks for listening, good luck and peace to all of us.

Car

Suzy:


I agree wholeheartedly. I do really understand how this can happen but I don't think my H does.

My due date is at the very end of August and my H won't be back until the beginning of Nov. I truely believe that it is possible for us to work on our problems while he is deployed and be successful at it. All it takes is communication and we can do alot of that through phone calls and emails. He has his laptop w/ him so he is free to write me at anytime and send it later. But so far we seem to have problems getting to that point...of working through the A and the effects. We had that problem before he left and I don't know why.

TA:
Don't know much about your situation, but rant away! I will try to find out more surfing this website.

Carnation:

That's deep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> ... I'm so sorry.