Hello,
Let me tell you a bit about my story so that perhaps I may get some advice that may get something going in our lives.

I am the betrayer. In 1999 I had a brief affair with a friend. We were found out by his wife. Teh affair ended. In 2000, we had a one night stand. (the old flame and I). I told my husband. In 2004 (january)I had another one night stand (new man) that resulted in me moving out, continuing to see that person for 4-5 weeks, my husband forgiving me, me moving back in for 3 months.(may) Then one night I actually went for a ride with the old flame(2004 person) nothing happened (course no one would believe me) (why should they?). right after that I left to be with mysister while waiting for her to have a baby she was giving up for adoption. and during that time, my family was crushed and my husband thought I was fooling around again..... I wasnt.

OK.....so my history says....i have been unfaithful. And time after time after time my husband let me come back. And everytime I was sorry, but apparently I was sorry I got caught, not for the distruction of the family. I have been home now for a year to a lifeless, loveless, resentful, angry hateful relationship. Should I be surprised? no I am not. HOwever, It is my feeling that after a year, and yes i have been 100% faithful, in mind, heart and physically and emotionally, shouldnt things begin to change?

HE is so angry. Bitter, nasty, treats me with terrible indifference, doesnt care what I do, where I go, if I died, went to hell or other. HE just doesnt care. He said he doesnt love me, heck, he really doesnt even like me for that matter. He told me I was an embarrassement to him, a liar, I was to blame for the relationship where it at. He tried for years, he isnt going to try to make things work, he isnt going to do anything. How dare I come back and make him miserable?

At this point it is more of a....we have a five cihldren, who cannot deal with anymore strife. He threatens that I will never get the kids if i left him because he would get witneses to me fooling around, etc etc.

At this point, I am so needing an end to all this! I told him I wouild leave if it would make him happy, he says, he doesnt know or care if he wants me to leave.

He will not touch me, kiss me, hug me or hardly even talk to me. We do not sleep together. We do not go anywhere together, we do not even eat together.

Now, forgive me if I am wrong, but, I think it is just plum over. Do I love him? yes. Will I ever cheat on him again? no. Does that need to be proved? yes. HOwever, a relationsihp cannot even begin to get on a frontage road of healing if only one person is doing all the work.

It isnet him trying to woo me back, it is me trying to woo him back and guess what? no can do.

What would you all suggest? He refuses counseling.. WE are both christians, and yet he will NOT pray with me, will not discuss God with me. He goes to a bible study and I stay home with the kids.

I am just frustrated. Yes I helped create this mess, but given what I have said....what cna be done?

and NO, we dont ahve the $$ for counseling, or help or dates or anything else. I am a student and he works..

DEad end street is how i feel.

Anyone ahve any advice?
[color:"purple"] [/color]

Loving, have you read His Need, Her Needs? I would get that book and find out what his top emotional needs are and try to meet them. You would also want to avoid any lovebusters, such as angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, etc. What things have you done to repair the damage you caused?


Have you threatened to leave him?

The only other thing I can suggest is that maybe you are being somewhat impatient? It took you years to destroy your marriage and erode any respect he had for you, maybe it will take years to repair?

Hi, Loving4Him.

Pay close attention to MelodyLane's suggestions and questions.

Let me ask you a question. Have you learned why you had multiple affairs?

All the best,
Gimble

Your H's bitterness and anger are understandable but if he doesn't find a way to get rid of them, they will eventually consume and destroy him. Is there a pastor, a priest, a rabbi or imam whom you could ask to have a talk with him? If there is, then please do so ASAP, for not only are you and your H affected but your children as well.

TMCM

Yes, I do believe you have a choice here. You certainly could leave and start over. I always remember what a great friend once told me. If you start over, there will just be another messy slate. Why not try to clean up this one? The question is do you want things to work? If so, then you'll have to eat some crow and listen to Melody's suggestion and be patient. I, too, was the WW. Fortunately, I'm one of the lucky ones where my H is willing to take me back and do what's necessary to get us to a better place. With that being said, I still had to eat some crow. I had to apologize for what I've done. I have to learn to live with the guilt. I had to beg him to take me back, knowing he was starting to move on without me. And, even if he didn't want to work on things immediately, I still think I would try to be patient and let him work things out in his head and heart and be ready if/when he's ready to work with me because it's worth it to me.

Something that may give you some hope is ... I was in group counseling the other night where one of the participants was so frustrated because his wife won't respond to all the good things he's done in the past 2 months since he's started counseling. The challenge is that they've been married for nearly 20 years, and he's been verbally abusive throughout. How can he possibly expect his wife to automatically respond when there's so much hurtful history? What I told him is the same thing I'll tell you - I, too, was stuck in a very bad marriage (read my earlier posts, and it'll give you some idea). Unfortunately, I did the wrong thing and looked for love elsewhere. When I left, my H was distraught. After a little while, he decided he was going to change/improve himself, regardless if I came back or not. So, I watched. I saw these changes. I noted every improvement. I remembered everything he did. Why else would I have come back and go through this painful withdrawal? It's because I realized he's changed. He's a new man. He's becoming the husband that I can be proud of and love again.

My advice to you is this. If you choose to stay, be patient. Read the self-help books that will guide you to be the loving wife that your H will love and be proud of. Trust me, he's watching your every move and he'll take notice. It does take some time. The qusetion to you is ... is it worth it? You and only you can answer that one.

Best wishes,

W