AW-

I cannot tell you how much your kind reply soothed my aching soul. I am very confused. I do not always know what to do and I waver between doing what is right for H and our marriage vs. caring for myself. I have HN/HN, LBs, SAA, and the info from the seminar.

I try very hard to be accountable to H, but he does not always like it because it reminds him of all the problems we are having. So, I am not always sure what to do. Since the "in-house separation/break", he has said he does not want to discuss the relationship. So, we do not tell each other about our withdrawal anymore because of that.

I agree that deep down there must have been some sort of revenge thoughts. He denies them, but I cannot help but think that is what happened. He says that ,"I was moving on with my life because I thought I lost you." But, he was still married to me and living here.

How does your H act now since it has been so long? Does he act like he wants it to work? I think I need to see him trying and when I don't, I think it is because of her. Like, with him not wearing his ring and not doing counseling and not following MB principles, I cannot help but wonder if he went back to her.

Thanks for the e-mail, I may need it!

When my wife and I decided to stay married it was purely and intellectual decision for me. But what motivated my wife to want to stay married…that was and till this day still is the most troubling question to me.

My feelings for my wife were the same as they always had been but at the time those feelings just exacerbated the pain. I mean if I hadn’t loved her so very much I wouldn’t have been so hurt. But when she asked me not to divorce her, all she kept telling me was that it was because she loved me and needed me. What does that mean I wonder?

And after sifting through all the trash, you know the whys and when’s and how could yous, that we all go through on the way to making a decision, she said something that scared the living [email]sh@t[/email] out of me.

We were discussing her lies and betrayal, how they hurt me and how they made me feel…and the way we were discussing it was really in quite a civil and almost conversational tone. No gross emotional display of hurt and anger….just two friends who had a fight talking it over kind of…And she told me something that turned my blood cold.

She said that the first time was filled with excitement that made *it* great…but the kind of great that is totally filled with anxiety. And immediately after the fact she was feeling kind of guilty…but that past quickly and soon she was masturbating while thinking about what she had done. And she couldn’t wait to do it again!

But from that point on, she said it was never as good for her again…but it sure was easier! No guilt, no second thoughts, no problems after the fact…but really,…not very much pleasure either. It was as if for her, she wasn’t really doing anything terrible anymore because she didn’t really care at that point. It was just something that she was doing…like having lunch once or twice a week with her friends.

And so when I busted her, she had to reconcile herself to my anger, pain and hurt…but it didn’t really make sense to her. She didn’t mind giving it up because she didn’t have to give up anything important to her…it certainly wasn’t something that was important enough to break up a marriage over!...For her! But for me? I was lost some where in the cosmos.

She was already going on with OUR lives even before I busted her. My slow up take was an irritant to her. She wanted things back to normal…and she wanted it to happen right the f#ck away. LOL But she also new who she was dealing with in me, LOL

So she answered everything that I threw at her…Every single question! And she did so I suspect because she wanted to hasten the process of reconciliation, which was in her best interest…In the process she refused to accept the possibility that I would actually divorce her over something she considered so irrelevant. I mean can you imagine the gall?

I just took my time trying to figure things out, in spite of her frustration with me. You see, in my mind I was gone and looking for a reason to stay…and she finally got it…she new I was more then capable of pulling the plug at any time.

I never yelled or screamed at her though. Instead I became so sarcastic and sardonic in my delivery of almost anything I had to say to her, that she at times she almost doubled over laughing. But she never, NEVER, challenged me again...not on any issue that she new was important to me. If I said NO that was it. And still is! So what, I’m still sitting her wondering is why? Not why she did it…why she still wanted me then and still wants me now. Why?

Don’t know if this helps you at at all.
Coach

Coach-

Thank you for replying. You did give me some insight. Unfortunately, I can see things from both sides of the coin as I am the WW & BS <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />( I deal constantly with my own anger and shame at what I did and then all of my feelings around what he did. It's a difficult balancing act.

When you would be sarcastic with her was it to make her hurt the way you hurt? Did you feel bad for doing it at all?

I know the reason I still want my husband is that I know we had a good relationship in so many ways. He was my best friend and we got along really well. We got so caught up in living life and caring for the kids, that we lost sight of each other. Each of us shared our needs at times and did not get what we needed. I realize my role in creating fertile ground for his A. Now that I know better what he needs (and what I need too), I want the chance for us to build something really wonderful. I wish we had had this information at the beginning of this marriage, so we would not be here. But we are, and I want it to work so much. He has always been it for me, I just did not show him enough. The OM could never hold a candle to my H and that is one of the main reasons I cut it off. I did not want him, I wanted my H. Noone could take his place in my heart...noone.