Grove, this is not a good situation at all. But making the best of it to me means you doing something very basic and obvious to show her how you feel.

How far away do your folks live? Maybe you could take the kids there and leave them with their grand parents while you work and communte from their home for a few days.

This would be something tangable you could do to SHOW just how inappropriate you feel it is for her to go to this party with out you.

Sorry but some demonstration is warrented.

Coach

Yes, that does change things. She then has to come clean. There is something called check your mate or something like that. It detects sperm on panties. It is one way to know.

The affair is over, so it's a little late for that. I should have done that, but I was in denial for a while.

I'm going to go to my mom's during the night in question. I'll be back later to post a more detailed update, but I'm watching my daughter right now and she's asking me to play a game with her.

The wife and I just had a very long and fruitful conversation. She wants to make the marriage work. She actually likes the way I've been acting (emotional plan b). LOL

She still wants to go out with the staff tomorrow night, but now says I can come along or that she won't go if I'm really upset about it. She says that if she goes and the OM shows up she will leave right away. I told her to go ahead and go if she really wants to, but that I still might not be home when she gets home. This seemed to baffle her. I told her that I'm not going to stay at home and be a babysitter, but that I also feel she needs to do what she feels is appropriate.

I think I've confused her, but it has got her thinking about how she's been behaving and what she might lose.

grove, man I am so proud of you. You are taking your life back. I think that you are realizing, as I had to, that it is her fault for damaging your life but it would be your fault to let her destroy your life. As long as your are being reasonable, stand up for yourself and set boundaries that she HAS to respect. You deserve her respect and if she cannot give it then she is answering your question as to what you should do.

Listen to Melody. She is probably the most level-headed person on this board. I think that you know the answer to your question about disclosure. You know, like I do, that you cannot get on with your marriage until she admits the A, sincerely apologizes, lets you know that she honestly realizes that it was wrong, provides you the details that you need and provides you with adequate assurance that you will not have to go through this again. If this is not going to happen then you need to start making some hard decisions and plans. I hope it doesn't come to that as I know that mine is coming to that point.

It has been almost ten months and my WW is not going to admit anything. However, I am past the point of blaming myself, personal insecurity, holding on to a memory and the other pitfalls. I strongly suggest giving yourm wife the chance to talk and work things out but DO NOT accept less than you need as I am worried that she is doing as little as she can to get by just as my WW has done. Good luck!!!!

Thanks Bob,

We'll see what happens. It was nice that she finally intitiated a conversation about our problems. She's still not accepting any blame outside of "I cheated now get over it", but she is talking. I didn't press for "details" last night, I just said that it's dissappointing that she is denying all of the things that were signs she was having an affair. I let it go after that. She want's to have a nice summer and see if we can't make our marriage works. She now says she knows she still loves me and that while she could survive and be happy without me, she doesn't think it would be a better life than we could have together.

I think she is trying to keep her options open. She's going out tonight with the staff, I don't like it since there is a better than 50/50 chance the OM will be there. So I did the unthinkable and hired a PI to see if she really is going where she said and if so whether she is meeting up with him. I know people say to stop snooping, but I want to make sure this thing is over before I put anymore effort into the marriage. If she ends up with him tonight, than I know my marriage is over and I don't need to put anymore time or energy into the marriage. Besides, she made a fool of me for over a year, should I really trust her now?

It would be nice to find out that she is being honest and that she is staying clear of the OM, but that's only half of my concerns. Personally I'm kind of surprised that she would even consider going out after cheating on me for over a year.

Grove,
Don’t ever think that it's stupid to spy. What's stupid is making believe that everything is all right when it isn't. You're just fortunate you can afford a PI. Remember, knowing the facts is always better then not knowing. The trick is handling the information after the fact.

And please remember to keep your relationship discussions to an absolute minimum! You only respond! Never initiate. Stay cool, calm and be very polite…but be firm in your resolve. Don't be dragged into any arguments or debates over what she wants to do or how she feels or anything else. And ask no questions at all. I promise you… she will come home wanting to tell you anything and every thing about her night out. For your part, what you do is listen with polite interest and do not respond at all. Say nothing! No questions at all…especially about the OM being there! Just be cool.

You’ve already put your finger on the biggest of your immediate marital problems! You know what it is. That she would even consider a girls night out after a year of cheating shows clearly that she just doesn’t get it. Her personal prerogatives are still more important to her then you, your feelings or her marriage.

And by the way, if she asks where you went while she was out, tell her the truth in precise terms only; answering her direct questions and only her direct questions. Do not embellish. I.e., She may ask, “So husband where you did you go tonight?” Your response, “I went to dinner.” That’s all. Offer nothing more. If she asks another question, you answer her the same way. Offer her as little information as possible with out being rude.

This is how you level the playing field. You’re doing a 180! Causing her to do the wondering for a change. You’ll see, pretty soon all of this will become natural and in the process you’ll feel better about yourself and the situation in short order. You just be sure to be in control of you! That’s all it takes. When the time is right, this will make establishing boundaries in your marriage ever so much easier.

Coach

Hey Coach,

I screwed up! See my new post. I didn't handle the information very well and the marriage is basically over.

I responded to you on your other post. The trick is for you to come out of this sitch more then who you were when you went in! Get it? If the marriage can be saved, I can help you to save it. Basically it's only a matter of working a plan...the question is can you do it or even more important then that, do you want to do it?
Coach

I believe I would still like to work on saving my marriage. But more importantly I'd like to come out of this a better person than when it started. If that's possible that would be awesome.

I really do appreciate your help and support. This is honestly tearing me apart!! I'm close to losing it, I really did believe that she had changed and that I could and should trust her again.