i've read alot of posts in the 9 days since my husband walked out. What i've noticed is that the WS has usually started and A with a co worker, or a stranger, friend..but what about an ex?? My husband and this OW were together when they were teenagers over 20 yrs ago, she moved in with his family when she became pregnant, they had a son together. But during this whole time she was running around oh him, partying and sleeping with other guys and he always took her back. Finally she left with the baby. This being a small town i knew them and knew the situation. Shortly after he and i started seeing each other fell in love, married and started our own family. We've had our ups and downs like every marriage and we were soooo inlove with each other. The ex rarely showed up around town so he wasn't able to see his kid very often, she wouldn't tell him for years where he was. This girl had 3 kids by 3 different men and one of the kids she 'gave' to her mother to raise because she decided she didn't want him. This is to give you an idea of the kind of person she is. He and i have always told each other we'd be together forever, we were like two peas in a pod, our marriage and children were everything to us. Last Nov is when that all would change, he was in an awful car accident and had surgery on his leg as a result. The thought that i could have lost him forever that day sent chills down my spine. For months he was laid up in bed and i took care of him. He'd always tell me he didn't know what he'd do without me, that nobody else would have taken care of him like i did. As he started to heal we'd lay in bed and talk about what could have happened that day and he was bothered by the fact that the kids and i would have been left with nothing, we had for 20 yrs always struggled to make ends meet, but we always had each other and that's all that mattered. But finally there was a bit of light at the end of the tunnel. A good friend of ours was starting his own well drilling business and was making him a partner. But..the fact that his friend was over 200 miles away made it difficult to reach him alot of the time and the waiting to find out when they'd be starting to get some wells started was difficult. Since his accident our bills piled up to the point where everything was being shut off. The past couple of months had been a huge struggle. He was off trying to do what he could to find enough money to pay the bills and feed our family but we'd always tell each other things would eventually work out. He always told me that me and the kids were all ever needed and there wasn't a day that went by in 21 yrs that he and i didn't tell each other "i love you" at least twice a day. I could see the past month or so that he was getting very depressed, moody..worried about everything..lashing out. But i kept telling myself..and him..that things would get better just as soon as he and his partner got going on the business and we had money rolling in. especially when he'd be bringing in at least $5000 a week. This was something we'd always worked towards...our dream was finally going to come true. Our family would be able to finally stop struggling to make ends meet.
But a couple weeks ago is when our life took a terrible turn, on Monday he left and didn't come home til 1 in the morning..drunk. Unusual for him..i lectured him on driving home telling him he should have called me to pick him up and that was the end of it..he just laughed and tried to hug me. The next day and the days that followed were a little strange..he was extremely depressed, no money..actually had to syphon gas out of one car to put in his so he could go find some money...it was getting bad..on Thursday he came home and told me he was going to the races with his friend..his friend was paying his way in..no problem, i figured he needed that break. He never came home that night. The next morning he came home and wouldn't even look at me..waited til the two younger kids left for school and announced to me that he had been with someone the past few days and when i asked who he wouldn't say, but when i asked why...he said.."because i still love her"..then i knew!!....i was devasted. We knew his ex had been living back up here, in fact a couple months ago she stopped him at the gas station and told him right out.."i hear you're getting a settlement from the accident and want my share"...he and i laughed when he told me what she said.
From what he tells me..it was him that went to her..said he had been wanting to contact his son lately, get to know him...he's grown with a family now and he went to get his number and address..he and her went for a long drive Thurs night and decided they still 'had feelings' for each other. I think that's the hardest part..it's bad enough that he cheated, left his family, his wife of 20 yrs..but for her???...she's been a sore spot for me for yrs because i knew there was a history there and a child involved. But i never in a million yrs thought she'd help to destroy my marriage. This is a woman who has man after man..her own son (the one she gave up) stood in my yard the other night talking to my daughter and saying his mother is a whore and always has been. My guess is she's out to prove she can get him away from me..which she succeeded...and that she knows how much money he'll be making and she wants it..it's easy for me to understand why she did it..but not why he did..i know he's been extremely depressed...but why this???? and why HER??????? I've read where the WS has come to his senses when it's a co worker, friend..someone like that..but what about an ex?..where there were feelings before..unresolved feelings i'm sure..he's convinced he loves her and that she loves him...and there was no signs other than the depression that he was leaving..he and i didn't start to drift apart..none of it...that's why i'm so confused..the look on his face that morning and the days that followed was a look i'd never seen before..there was absolutely nothing in his eyes..sooooo cold it was scary, like looking at a complete stranger. The other day i went to talk to him..told him calmly i still loved him and i'd be here for him..we talked about the bills..the kids..and he even had to turn away to wipe some tears..before i left..he walked over and hugged me tight. Of course that only confused me even more. And now that i know he's slept with her i'm not sure at this point, i could take him back if he wanted me too. He gave me the old standard excuses...'I love you, but i'm not IN love with you"..he even said it's been coming on for yrs..which of course..he couldn't give me one single example when i asked what made him decide that. I'm soooo scared that he's actually going to fall in love with her. Then i'll have lost him completely <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

my WH came over today to spend time with the kids. He asked me about 3 times how i'm doing, if i'm eating, taking care of myself. Coming over again tomorrow to fix the cars..before he left he came in the bedroom and told me he was sorry for hurting me so bad..not sure what to even think anymore. i did however find and article on Romantic Infidelity..what he's going through from what i've read.
ROMANTIC INFIDELITY

Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of falling in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continuing living your life, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet. An affair with someone grossly inappropriate-someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own-is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your fife, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. Ideal romance partners are damsels or "dumsels" in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.

Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape.

People are most likely to get into these romantic affairs at the turning points of life: when their parents die or their children grow up; when they suffer health crises or are under pressure to give up an addiction; when they achieve an unexpected level of job success or job failure; or when their first child is born-any situation in which they must face a lot of reality and grow up. The better the marriage, the saner and more sensible the spouse, the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel. Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones.

Both genders seem equally capable of falling into the temporary insanity of romantic affairs, though women are more likely to reframe anything they do as having been done for love. Women in love are far more aware of what they are doing and what the dangers might be. Men in love can be extraordinarily incautious and wining to give up every-thing. Men in love lose their heads-at least for a while.

this portion of the article helped me somewhat to at least try to understand..i hope it helps others

Lost - That is a great article. I read it somewhere else, but forget where.

You know that your husband will be back, I think. He won't last with OW. So protect your love for him, so that you will want him back.

What helped me most, was working on my issues, and staying very busy.

I am so sorry to read about your very troubling times...

I will say a prayer for you and your family.

I have a feeling this will all work out for you.

Try to keep your heart open.

~holiday~

yesterday he came over..i was nice to him..chit chatted..laughed..we were in a pretty good mood. Got along great..he came in the bedroom before he left and hugged me. Then today..it all changed..i was upset cause i had to run my daughter into town..and the kids were with me..his pickup was at the OW's house..that upset the kids. Today they were trying to call his dad's to see if he was coming to pick them up as he had promised..he wasn't around..so when he did show up..i wasn't too happy with him. I have my up days and my down days..today was a down day. My 11 yr old broke down and started crying when they were leaving, my husband was taking them for the night..think he was feeling bad for leaving me..i went out and the kids got in the truck..my husband kept asking me "what do you want from me"..i told him i didn't want to argue..he asked if i was going to file for divorce..i said no..so he said he was..i am completely devestated!!!!! I never expected it..how could he after 2 weeks want a divorce already?? Three weeks ago i was is world!!..PLEASE HELP ME...I'M SOOOOOO LOST