D-day+4 and riding the roller coaster of emotions. Luckily I found this site four days ago when I turned to the Web looking for some way to understand what was happening. I just wanted to thank all of the considerate posters and especially the creators of this site for providing some level of comfort during a most troubling time.

Welcome to Marriage Builders rpc. I'm sorry you have found the need to be here but it is a great place to get the help and support you are going to need.

Please be sure to read all parts of this site including the posts with the sticky symbols at the top of this forum. VERY useful information in them!!

Dday 4 days ago? Whewww,, you've got to be in alot of pain right now. Wanna talk about it? How long have you been married? Is the OP still in the picture?

Glad you found us. It is good to see that others are going through the same thing. It makes you feel not so alone.

I think I read through the entire site during that first sleepless night. I've since been through much of it again (and again...)


Lot of pain. Married 8 years, together 15. Didn't see it coming at all. Now she's in that fog everyone describes, trying to decide between our 15 years together and the last four months of fantasy she spent astray. As I read through lots (and lots) of posts I see her words over and over. We don't have kids and there are no financial concerns - it would be so easy to walk away right now. What's giving me hope and keeping me here is the constant message I see that it can get better. That's why I needed to say thanks.

Is the other man married?

rpc,

As painful as this experience is for you [don't I know it!], it does present you with an opportunity to become a better spouse and hopefully save/rebuild your marriage. Of course there are no guarantees that your marriage can be saved/rebuilt, but by following the MB principles, you will be able to address and possibly resolve your contributing issues to the bad state of the marriage. And even if your marriage does end, the principles will help you to move on with your life without taking with you the emotional baggage that was part of you and your marriage, on to the future and possibly another marriage.

Oh and like the motto at the gym I go for my workouts states: "Please leave your egos at the door. Thank you".

TMCM

To Believer:
OM is married. OMW was informed due to my presenting an ultimatum.

TooMuchCoffeeMan:
Luckily I've kept my head through this (other than d-day when I told her to leave for the night), and I've avoided doing/saying things to intentionally hurt her. We've talked a lot in the past four days - more about our feelings than in quite a few years. We have both recognized not meeting each other's needs, mostly because they are so different. Like too many people, we assumed marriage was "easy" and doesn't require much work.

As much as this hurts now, the logical side of me looks to the future as a chance to really enjoy each other's company like we used to. (Funny how we forgot about this in recent years.) The only unknown is which way this turns out, in other words who will "win" her in the end. The A hurts, but the not knowing is quite painful as well.

As a positive note, we've spent a lot of time just holding each other in the past three days. Amazing how you can forget to enjoy such things.

rpc,

How did you discover the affair and what has been her reaction? Are you two still together and has she quit seeing the OM?

We had an argument the other night and it eventually led to me asking, "How do we fix this? "I don't know." "Do you want to fix this?" "I don't know." imagine shock on my part because she's never brought concerns to me about anything being wrong. At this point I pressed for some elaboration and she openly admitted to the affair. She has since answered every question posed about the affair. Luckily I haven't asked the wrong ones.

Her reaction seems to follow all the predicted guidelines. The emotions, the alien abductee syndrome, the revisionist history of the marriage, the fog not allowing her to decide between us.

We are together in our home, but in different rooms at my request. She hasn't had the opportunity to see the OM because we've been together almost the entire day for the past four days. Unfortunately she's back to work on Tuesday which means seeing the OM.