I cannot continue on knowing that nothing is ever going to change. My WW has found a wonderful way to completely compartmentise her betrayal and her recovery is completely seperate from what I might be feeling.
Is there any hope that we might find each other again?
Or have I completly lost who I am, without her?
Not sure it's all worth it anymore. Sorry to be so negative.
Jerry

I wish my BH was here to answer your questions. If it gives you any hope (or consolation), I was the same WW has you've described: "My WW has found a wonderful way to completely compartmentise her betrayal and her recovery is completely seperate from what I might be feeling."

It took 1 1/2 years for me to realize what I had and perhaps took for granted. Note I didn't come to this conclusion b/c I was in a perfect M. It was far from it. Read my previous postings, and you'll see how bad things really were. Anyway, the 3 things that helped me turn around were 1) a long, unforgettable history - good & bad 2) I could visibly see that my H was changing/improving, regardless if I were to come back or not 3) Throughout my A, he proved his unconditional love by staying there until I decided to file for a D. At which time, my A turned from fantasy to reality, and I choked.

Is there hope? I didn't think so - not in the least bit. In fact, I found love elsewhere in someone who was good and loving. Someone who was more than happy to care for and marry me. But, something was missing. The OM was NOT my H. He was NOT who I had married and wanted to grow old with. So, with my tail between my legs, I came back, begging my H to take me back. So, is there hope? Absolutely! If you really want her back, prove it. Be patient. Don't lose yourself. Improve YOU and be the man that she will admire and respond, regardless if she returns. Trust me, she'll take notice. And, if she doesn't, then you'll know in your heart that you've given your all, and you'll be a man any woman would be proud of. It'll be her loss.

Is it worth it? That's your call. I am just SO THANKFUL that my H thought it was and stuck it out ... for 1 1/2 years. I'll make sure that his wait was worth it.

W

thanks for the reply whisper28,
Patience in exactly what I've practice. You see D-Day is rapidly approaching 3 years for me now. There comes a point where patience has gone way beyond it's borders. My borders, if you will.
I don't know how or even if I could , continue without her. She is MY LIFE.
Jerry

Jerry,

Three years is a long time to wait. And, you are absolutely right, only YOU can set the limits (borders) on time. Frankly, I don't know if I'd have that much patience, either. With that being said, I truly hope that you're seeing an IC yourself. A good IC will help you through times like this and give you the guidance and inspiration to live a worthwhile (happy) life, with or without your wife. Yes, it is very hard to imagine living your life without someone you've loved and lived with for so long, but YOU CAN DO IT! When I finally asked my H to take me back, he told me that the best things in his life started and ended when I was in his life. He, too, didn't think he could live without me, but he found the strength to do so. That was also when I got my biggest reality check - when I realized he was moving on without me. I still have the footprint on my backside to prove it.

Back to your comment "I don't know how or even if I could , continue without her. She is MY LIFE ..."

Jerry, you are made of much sterner stuff than you can possibly imagine. You've lived this long without her, you can do it. It may seem miserable right now because all you're focusing on are the good stuff (the fantasy of your M) and that you may have to face the world by yourself for a little while, but trust me, there is a better life that awaits you - either with or without your wife. Think of it this way, nothing can possibly be worse than the past 3 years of limbo-hell that you've lived through, wouldn't you agree? For 8 years (I've been married for 12), I didn't believe that I could possibly be happy again - that I was stuck in my situation for the rest of my life. I finally got the courage and ventured out. Most people on this site probably won't agree with the path that I took, but I can tell you that I had to do it to get to where I am today. You know what? I did find something better ... a better marriage! My H has changed (first for me, then for himself). Because of what we've gone through, my H and I will NEVER revert back to how things were. One scary lesson this has taught us is that we both know we could walk away and still live a worthwhile life. Even if things don't work out, you need to know that this is true for you too.

Lastly, if I could urge you take 1 thing with you today, my hope is that you seek the help of an IC. You will thank me later - I promise you!

Best wishes,

W

Not to be pushy, Jerry, but PLEASE tell me that you've talked to or have scheduled yourself to talk to a counselor!!

Whisper

Jerry,

No ONE person should BE YOUR LIFE.In marriage it is the combining of two INDIVIDUALS that enjoy one another's company and love one another.You DO NOT "complete" one another.It should never be that way.That is when you lose yourself.SELF.No soulmates,no half of a whole,no better half,no "my whole world".Fantasy and myth.Destructive devices planted in our psyches.You ARE worthy,all by yourself.

I will have to go back and read your whole story, since I am not familiar with it, to add more of a response.

O

I cannot continue on knowing that nothing is ever going to change.
How do you KNOW that NOTHING is EVER going to change?

Is there any hope that we might find each other again?
Hope is something you have, not something we can tell you is there.
You should have hope because you CAN make a difference in what happens in the future. Your marriage can possibly survive, but if you do nothing then it probably won't survive

Or have I completly lost who I am, without her?
This has nothing to do with whether you find each other or not.

Read the links below.

"Or have I completly lost who I am, without her?"

Jerry, if your marriage ends, you will lose the "you" that you had during the marriage.

But there was a different "you" before she came into your life. And in a lot of ways, probably a better you.

You sound like you made the same mistake in your marriage that I made in mine. You allowed yourself to become defined, not by yourself, your own personality and your own strengths, but by another person. You subconsciously relied on that person to validate your existence to to complete you. So did I. And when XWW and I separated a few months after her revelations of serial infidelity, for awhile I felt like my life was over, that it had no purpose. I had built my life around my marriage, and suddenly that was gone.

It took time, but I had to rebuild my life without her in it. It's still a work in progress. And the important thing to remember is that it's a process that will NEVER be complete.

Octobergirl is completely right in her response to this. Spouses should complement each other, and enrich each other's lives. But each person must be complete in their own right. I remember when I got married -- in retrospect I was young and stupid (24) and blinded by love. And when I got married -- and even more when I became a father -- I gave up things about myself that had previously made me who I was. I remember thinking, "I'm not a 'me' anymore, I'm part of a 'we'". It took having my heart comprehensively broken to realize how foolish this was. I won't make that mistake again.

The golden rule, I think, is that you should never allow yourself to be defined as a person by something that can be taken away from you. Things that are transient enrich your life -- they shouldn't define it. Money, a job, possessions, a love, friends, power -- those things come and go. And if you've defined your life by them, when they're gone there's suddenly a huge hole in your life. Define yourself by your interests, your ambitions, your goals, your passions, and your strengths. Choose activities that allow you to exercise those things. And in a marriage, NEVER give up on those things, out of a misguided belief that you're not about those things anymore because you're now married to somebody. Hang onto them, and never let them go. That's not to say that you'll never experience loss if you do that. But at least you won't be left feeling empty.

So what do you do now? Start rebuilding. Start re-discovering yourself. Fortunately, in our society, there are lots of opportunities for that. Take up a new sport. Take an evening class in something you've always had an interest in, whether passionately or superficially. Revisit an old hobby or old passion that you may have given up when you got married. Get involved in politics, or volunteer for causes. Meet new people. If you can, try to get involved in activities that have a specific weekly time -- that way you're less likely to let them fall by the wayside. And if something doesn't interest you after having tried it, so what? Try something else. Your life will be enriched simply by having tried something new, whether you enjoyed it or not.

What have I done since separation? Volunteered in a political campaign. Joined a charitable foundation as a volunteer director. Taken martial arts classes, and when I didn't really like that, switched to boxing. Joined a beach volleyball team in the summer. Got a tattoo. Gone on trips with friends. And I did all of this without caring what my XWW would have thought, or whether she would have approved or not. I did these things for ME. And like I said, it hasn't rebuilt my life completely, but that process will never be complete for any of us anyway, and it's helped me immeasurably.

Hang in there. You'll get through this.