Perhaps some of you can help me with this situation..

Me 32, her 31, we have a 4 year old son married 7 years together 14 years.
I found out she was having an EA on 4/18, it had been going on about a month. I foudn out through the cell phone bills and she told me that she wanted to not be married to me anymore the day I found out. I started to see my IC and we started MC. Two weeks into this she said she wanted to be seperated and needed space. I have now been out of the house for about 3 weeks. We are still seeing MC and I am seeing IC. I have not been good about giving her space and have been needy, angry, sad, etc etc. I realize now that I made a lot of mistakes in not giving her this space. She is now more sure that she wants a divorce and has made an appointment with a lawyer for next friday. She has only contacted the OM once and she says she knows it would never work out but that she doesnt know if she wants to continue with him or not. She treats me like I am a cold piece of dead meat. She really has convinved herself that divorce is the only way to keep a part of herself.

Now I could use any advice at this point. I know I have been disrespectful of her need for space during the seperation. The fact that she was trying to maintain contact with OM just made it so hard for me to keep cool. Now she is very angry that I have not given her space and doesnt really want to try working anything out.

Any advice... I want to save this marriage but she is so in the fog/fantasyland she cant even think straight. There are many problems that lead to the affair both myself and her. She says she just doesnt have the energy to try and work them out and would rather start over.

Perhaps a veteran can chime in here and give me some good advice before she heads to the attorney and files.

thanks

Ryan

Welcome to marriage builders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances.

First, you should probably not have moved out of the house. It is suggested here that the person that is having the affair and breaking up the family leave.

Also is the other man married? Let his wife know what is going on.

Does your wife work outside of the home?

Are you working on YOUR part of the problems that made your marriage vulnerable to an affair?

By the way, keep reading here. When they say they need space, it usually means they need space to continue the affair unhindered.

She works part time doing home business and is the primary caregiver to our son. If I made her move out it would be very unfair to my son and he would be paying the price. I just recently told her that if she does continue to contact him that she is going to have to move out. I work full time and am not the one that takes and picks son up and generaly takes care of him during the day. I agree that space to me meant that she wanted to "think" and perhaps contact him while being comfortable in her house. I approached her about a week ago and said I wanted to move back in. She completeley flipped out and said NO WAY she had an emotional breakdown and was writhing on the floor. She said I would be hurting my Son cause it would make her have to move out. She said there is no way she wants to live with me and she feel emotionaly threatened by me. She doesnt ever want to talk about what has happened, every conversation ends with her saying, I dont want to be married with you anymore, I dont want to continue talking. Then of course I continue and she gets even more upset and hence she is threatened by me.

Ryan

She is absolutely right - your son IS being hurt, and could lose his family. Because of her choices, though.

Is the OM married?

Yes the other man is married, he is also 17 years older than my wife and is a devout christian. Apparently they had a conversation about her leaving me and him leaving his family, he said he would not do that for her. She has cut off communication with him and I think it may have run it's course, I just don't know. I have called him and left voicemail, he of course did not call me back he called my WS and told her I called. I did obtain his home number and his wifes name, I am pretty sure if there is anymore contact I will call her and let her know. I just have a really hard time with this as it will really make things tense between WS and I.

rdripps, the first thing you must do if you want to save your marriage is go home. That is a huge mistake for the betrayed spouse to move. The only reason she wanted you out was so that she could carry on her affair unimpeded. Moving out simply enables her. Nor can you work on anyting if you aren't there. Many judges view moving out as abandonment, which places you in a precarious situation in court, and jeopardizes your standing. So, first thing: move home TODAY.

Secondly, the OM's wife must be told NOW about the affair. She has a right to know this and you must also do this to ensure that this affair does not continue. With 2 people watching from both ends, it increases your odds that contact will not continue.

Once you do those 2 critical things, then come back here and we can help you with the fallout and help you work on your marriage. But, until you move home and do everything in your power to bust up this little affair, there isn't a thing we can do to help you.

GO HOME NOW..

How do you know she has cut off communication?

Yea I tried to move back home and she said she would file for divorce the next day and leave with my son. It is a difficult situation. I do not want my son to go through the turmoil of her moving out. I know I wish I could move back in but she really feels she cant trust me right now, that I am emotionaly out of control. In many regards she is correct, but I do realize that in reality she should be the one moving out. I do not want her to leave with my son and file for divorce because that is what she will do if I move back into the house. It will not be a pretty sight and it there will be no way to make that situation a good one. Trust me when I say that she does not want me in the house. I will not put my son through that right now.

Ryan

Does one ever really know there is no contact. She has been telling me when they are contacting each other. The affair was all over the cell phone and I have access to those records. My wife claims that he is not the reason for divorce and she already decided that she wanted a divorce before she met him. Yeah I know.. fog at it's best.. This guy seems to have been a serious emotional crutch to get her to decide to go through with a divorce with me. Whenever it seems things get real rough between us she tries to make contact. I have the OM's home number and I have told myself if there is another contact I will contact her.

rdripps, that is ok, tell her she can move out, but she can't take your son from the house unless she has a court order. [There aren't many judges who are going to allow a mother in the throes of an affair to remove her son from his own home to accomodate her affair. - let her know this] I would then help her pack her bags. Please don't let her tantrums deprive you of your home. What she is putting your son through right now is much worse than any temporary discomfort while she throws a temper tantrum.

She is the one who should have to leave since she is the one who wants to have the affair. But I SERIOUSLY doubt she will leave, I think it is an idle threat to get you out of hte way so she can carry on her affair in comfort.

By allowing her to get away with this, you are not only enabling her affair, but you will likely be viewed as abandoning your family in the courts. You are making it EASY for her to walk away from her marriage by allowing her to do it in the safety and comfort of her home. If she wants to seperate that bad, then let her lose the comfort of her home. She needs to feel the consequences of her actions.

Don't let her manipulate you, rdripps. Moving out is a TERRIBLE MISTAKE that can only damage your position.

If you only have her word, then that is not credible information. You can"t count on her to tell you the truth and must independently verify no contact. I suspect she is still in contact and she likely told you this to throw you off the path.


The OM's wife needs to know about the affair so she can protect herself from her H. It will also probably bust up the affair immediately once his W finds out about it. As long as it is kept secret, the affair can continue unimpeded because there is no one to stop them. This is a critical step in saving your marriage, rdripps. Exposure to the OP's spouse is an essential part of Plan A and should not be put off.

rdripps, just an FYI for your wife, there aren't many judges who are going to allow a mother in the throes of an affair to remove her son from his own home to accomodate her affair - let her know this.

I have told her this... If you contact him again you are moving out and I am moving back in. She said, hmm I will think about it. So yeah it is a sticky situation, I dont want my son to go through her trying to remove him from the house, which she will, and me having to involve the authorities and a lawyer and judge. You see where I am going here. My son does not need to be witness to anything resembling that sort of situation. I am about 99.9% positive there has been no contact in the last 5 days. I think she is listening to my threat of her moving out if she contacts him. It is good to know that if she is maintaining an affair that judge would not grant her removal of the child.

rdripps, your marriage is being destroyed by 2 very selfish people and you are sitting by helping them do this. Do you realize this? You are enabling the affair by moving out and helping them keep their secret from the OM's wife. That is what your son is being put through. His family is being torn apart and his dad will not lift a finger to help for fear that his mother will throw a temper tantrum.

You see, you hold all the cards but you are not playing them. You are allowing a crazed woman to control your destiny and that of your son becasue you refuse to take control of the ship. The ship is sinking, my friend.

Now, I seriously doubt that your wife will try to move out at all, but if she does, she cannot take your son. How would a woman who works part-time have the money to get a house? If she wants to take your son, then she will have to explain to a judge that she is leaving to accommodate her affair and wants to drag her son frm his home. But she should not be allowed to take your son without a court order.

The bottom line is that you cannot save your marriage unless you go home and unless you do everything in your power to bust up this affair, ie: calling the OM's wife. This is not an easy situation, rdripps, and the easier, softer way is going to avail you nothing.

A crazed woman with rich parents prepared to pay her legal bills. I agree that I need to be back in the house, I tried once and it was a bad scene. She says she feels threatened by me. I talk with her and she doesnt want to talk about the affair and ends all of our conversations with. I dont want to be married to you. She honestly is afraid of me for some reason like I might break something or go crazy. This is pretty far from the truth, I may be able to bellow out my emotions but I would never hurt anyone. I think she has worked herself up into fear casue she doesnt want to hear me discuss the stink of the affair. I 100% positive if I move back in she will throw a tantrum call her parents, then the dispatch of legal teasm will descend upon me and eat me for dinner.

Do her parents know about her affair?

I agree completely with Melody. If you can't bring yourself to move back in, then at least expose the affair to his wife. And yes, your wife will be furious. They all are. But that is the quickest way to end the affair.

Don't let your wife know that you are going to do it. Try to do it today.

When they are exposed, they all say the same things - they could never go back with you, it is the final straw, how could you do that to them, blah, blah, blah. But they get over it, and usually come back to the marriage.

I agree with Mel and Believer. The OM's W should be told and you should move back into your house.

You are believing her messed up thinking and threats way too much. Rationally, you know that you are not a threat to her or your son. The A is a threat and the threat to your marriage.
She is rewriting history and changing that facts to justify her bad choices. If anything will hurt your son it will be a divorce.

You need to be the sane, calm, loving, but firm one at this time. Get a legal consultation next week to find out your rights in your state. Don't wait to move back in because it sounds like her next step is to get a restraining order against you. Then you wouldn't be able to see your son. Do you want that.

Expose her A, and your desire to save your marriage.

All is not lost, yet, but your buying into your wifes words are hindering your chances, IMHO.

Figure out how you can work out taking care of your son if she moves out. Do not let her take him with her.

It would be good for you to hear from a man, like Mortarman, who has been through this, heard many of the same things you are hearing, and went on to save his marriage.