This post is about mental imaging - creating a new reality for oneself by visualizing it first, and then moving into that vision in practice. I think there are New Age terms for this method, but I am not well versed on them. I do know that whatever I can envision for myself, I can eventually create for myself.

In this case, mental imaging is about the relationship I'd like to have, and the person I'd like to be in that relationship. Life after the big D. A toast to a new person emerging, and the joy of finding out who she is. Better yet, the opportunity to make her who I want her to be.

I've long been a proponent of getting a feel for a part of life I knew I'd need before I was ready for it. For example, I took a class in midlife crisis when I was in my early 30's. It helped me think about things I hadn't considered before, but that would shape my thought processes in a few years. It was a great experience that I'm glad I had. I have made some decisions differently as a result, and this has been invaluable to me.

Now, I'm trying to create a new life for myself that is rich in its connections to other people. Whether that means friendships, intimacies, or whatever, I do not know yet. That is my quest at this time.

I am not legally divorced yet, but there is no doubt I will be soon. It was supposed to have happened already - and would have, if I'd been the organizer instead of my H. All property has been divided up, and all assets are in one or the other of our names now (except for a mutual fund that has $50 in it, and the registrations on our dogs). Done deal. We are each home owners of our own homes as well.

So, though it isn't legal, its far enough down that path for me to be thinking ahead. Because that's what I do. Think ahead. Whatever I can conceive, and believe, I can achieve.

In my mind I'm dating. I'm visualizing what it might be like, what I'd like it to be like. What kind of person would I like, and who I would not like. What would I like to do on a "date" or if I even want to "do" anything that structured. What kind of person would make me feel safe, and what I would need to do to be safe for someone else. I don't care if it lasts or not - I want to be a safe person, and I want to be associated with safe people.

I see a stage performance as the metaphor for this imaging, in which I'm not talking about the actor's scripts, or the specific words they will say. I'm not talking about the exact colors, sounds, and smells on stage. I'm talking about the kinds of characters they play, the values they bring with them, and the overall feeling of the scenes. The big picture. How it makes me feel. Whether I feel like I want to spend more - or less - time watching plays in general.

Does this make sense to anyone? It has been over 20 years since I dated, so this is not a trivial exercise for me. But it helps me form a vision of what's important to me - and I feel I need that before I can actually act on it.

yes, however, imaging doesn't really apply here as well as to events that you have total control over. .. mental imaging will work well with what you can control, however, relationships are not a controlling item. . . in other words, imaging will only help you in your reactions to questions, or situations, that you want a positive outcome in. . . .

think about it, you can't really make your imaginary dream person show up, but you can imagine your responses to his advances, or his presence. . .

wiftty

Agreed - I wasn't so much thinking of imaging the PERSON but rather aspects of how the ideal relationship would make me feel. I can see myself sitting in a rocking chair, old and gray, feeling comfortable with the person I'm with, content in the knowledge that we love and trust each other.... that's the kind of thing I mean.

In the present, those images are less clear. I imagine doing the things I like doing and seeing another person doing them with me. I imagine someone who treats me with respect, who can step on my toes without messing up my shine. Who guards my secrets as well as his own. That's about as far as I've gotten with it.

When I was a child, my mother told me that when I was deciding whether to marry someone, I should ask this question: "If I have a son someday, will I want him to turn out like this man?" - this is a form of visualizing. Fortunately, and unfortunately, it worked with my first H. I thought of this wisdom and knew I didn't want kids with him. So why didn't I run instead of marrying him? Who knows - that was several lifetimes ago.

I don't think there's anything wrong with defining what you want. or setting your expectations high (it's better than setting low expectations LOL). However, in addition to wiftty's observation (you can only control and change YOU), setting unrealistic expectations: of course you know the PERFECT man/relationship doesn't exist.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />... expecting perfection can be dangerous, and frustrating.... and will cause you to miss out on some wonderful experiences.

hugs,

I think this business of mentally evaluating what you want / need is quite useful.

In my mind this post Divorce period is specifically ripe for doing this sort of introspection. Indeed, it may well be mandatory -- IF one wants to be whole again.

I think it sort of helps define borders & boundary lines when once many of these things had become quite blurred & fuzzy from marital conflict & unrealistic expectations & just plain trauma fallout.

Agreed also that we can only control ourselves. And sometimes that is a bit of a stretch..... sigh!!!!

I find time for meditation & contemplation is especially helpful just now. Personally, I also like to include my God into this effort. He ultimately has my best answers anyway, so listening to Him is my strongest need. Waiting patiently for His leading in my life.....

I don't know if this story is true, but I once heard that Archibald Leach said, "I wanted to be Cary Grant, so I acted like Cary Grant until I became Cary Grant."

hey deja... haven't posted to you in awhile... hope all is well... i use the 'imaging' thing as a meditation tech... works for me... i hear ya on the dv and dating in your mind... i just finalized my dv... and, i know the consensus of the boards here are generaly 'no dating until you are dv' (and i get why), so i never exposed myself... but i starting seeing someone after i was sep'ed for about 15 months (i think you know my story, "no reasonable prospect of reconciliation" )... we met 6 months into my separation, but i was no where near ready... the time inbetween i cont'd to IC/MC and work on myself, ect... heal from my failed M and hang out here... and i also visualized what it would be like to be with someone other that my xw... when me and this person finally 'went out', there was no 'real' structure, more natural riffing... and i never really 'dated' in my entire life... met my first wife in jr. high, she passed, i met my second soon after that, and now, well... and, truth be told, i went on one date (set-up by a mutual freind) back around x-mas and i disliked it very much... just the premis alone... to each his own, though, as there apparently like pro-daters out there, and that is thier thing... but it's definitly not mine...

anyway... i am not so sure if there is such a thing as perfect relationship,,, they are all 'work',,, but one can imagine whatever one wants to imagine...

good luck... ttyl...

Hey Samm,

Good to hear from you. I like your approach to using imaging with meditations - that makes sense to me. Your sitch is somewhat like mine in that my M is also not salvagable and I don't want to anyway. I do not feel married anymore, and do not feel any obligation to him.

That being said, I am only interested in thinking through what is important to me now - not actually "dating". Like you, the concept of a "date" is not attractive to me. But I don't have an idea in mind of how or where I'd meet someone, and how we'd connect otherwise. That's why I want to do some imaging.

I should NOT have called it "Perfect" relationship because that has given the wrong impression. By imaging - or thinking through - the qualities I want in a relationship before I get into one, I believe I can avoid the pitfalls I encountered in my last one. Now, with what I know, I can see the red flags that were there for a long time, but that I didn't realize were not healthy.

Stay well, Samm!

... it is good to hear from you, as well... you seem to me like you are doing very well, and that's awesome... our sitches are very sim... and, i not only 'don't want' to salvage, but i am glad that i am where i am... i haven't been this happy or fulfilled in a very long time... onward and upward...
imo, it is good to 'image'... even the perfection aspect of things... it was always peaceful for me... sitting on the ridge of a mountain, or on the ocean meditating... mother nature is the closest to perfection i have found...
'dating' in the general sense was not attractive to me until after i was 'in' the relationship... then, going on a date seemed kind of romantic and now we 'date' all the time... but going up to a stranger (or choosing) based soley off of physical appearence (and maybe a bio or word of mouth) and starting a conversation was never my strong game...
meeting someone for me was not difficult due to one of my professions... meeting someone compatible, is another story... i think 'look and you will find it, don't look, and you will still find it. that which is yours, will surely come to you' (zen destiny-lol)... but i learned from my last M that may or may not mean 'forever'... important lesson for me...
connections?.. whole other topic and disscussion, imo...

... no wrong impressions... you can call it whatever you want... lol... it is good to recognize the red flags and try to avoid the pitfalls... i still choose to live by 'you know what you know, you know what you don't know, you don't know what you don't know' philosophy... i made the decision to press 'play' on my life again when i was ready to continue... i refuse to let my life remain on 'pause' for anyone (but myself, of course) at this point... and that meant opening myself up to the possibilty of getting hurt... again... but you know what,,, whatever... it is worth it, to me... in the beginning, i was very ridgid,,, 'not doing this ever again!%$#^*&&^', blah blah blah... screw that!.. pride, shmide... life is to short for all that, and there is so much to enjoy...
i guess my point is that in the very beginning of all this, i was looking for red flags, signs, signals, commonalities to the x... if i saw one flag or one thing, i figured, !poof!, i am out of here... now, i am all about communication and mutual education... i now believe that every woman i could ever meet would throw up at least one red flag (or i could make something up-lol:), and i am also quite certain that i would throw up red flags to just about any potential mate, as i am far from perfect (and what some call damaged goods)...

You are so right, Samm. We are all human, and if want others to cut us some slack we better be prepared to do it ourselves. Maybe the biggest red flag is a person who is always looking for red flags. Back to the perfect theme again... this is NOT Stepford!

no doubt we all need some slack (me essp <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />)... and a red-flag-searchers...definite turn off for me... and no, this is not Stepford (although the concept is interesting <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)... just kidding...

well... off to convine with the wind and sea, have a great weekend!!!

Hey Samm, enjoy... what I wouldn't give for a time at the sea right now! Thinking about tropical vacations, I am! Send some ocean breezes this way, OK?