I found out three months ago that my husband was having a mostly phone/email relationship with a young unmarried woman. She lives out of state so it has been mostly phone calls and emails but I know that he has visited her on at least one occasion. During the past three months I have tried to follow plan A but have failed miserably. I've been doing too many LBers. I have tried to be patient and understanding while avoiding R talks but it is so difficult. This weekend I was supposed to be on a camping trip with my husband and two other couples but on Friday he told me not to go. He said he needs a break from us and the relationship stuff. He says he's trying but I pressure him too much. I told him fine...go but when you get back it'll be a fresh start...no more emotional outbursts from me and he agreed to stop communicating with her. I was so hurt by his not wanting me there this weekend with our friends. I have been struggling terribly these past few months. I am on a verge of a breakdown. So I decided last night to pack up and move everything out...and today I did it. I need to do this but I'm already regretting it. He's coming back tomorrow and is probably expecting me to be sitting here and waiting.

I feel like I'm making a mistake but it's already too late. I can't avoid the emotional outbursts. I'm too hurt. What's more is that i know that he's been acting like a single man...he's been collecting phone numbers and talking to more women. Please help...I'm about to lose my mind. I know this is long and confusing but I need someone to talk to.

Hi HW,

I'm really sorry to hear you are going though this. I do sympathize with your feelings. On refelction of my own personal drama I believe my WW was acting "like a single person" for 2 year prior to her A. It did terrible things to my self esteem and I didn't realize that was the case until I got out of the relationship after her A.

First of all. Do you want to save the marriage? If so you need him to have no contact with the OW.

Are you sure he is in no contact with the OW? If there is still contact your marriage you need to focus getting him to truly implement no contact in order to give your marriage a fighting chance.

Hang in there and try to patient if you can. I know its tough. I wasn't very good at being patient myself.

Cheers,

Miker

newlywed,

I know you feel as though you've made a mistake...but what if you haven't? If you are too hurt to stop LBs (and I can certainly understand why) Plan B is for you. But you have a little bit of work to do before your husband comes back. You need to complete Plan A....which includes exposure of his actions and affair. Please contact the people who are most likely to help you. If you know this young woman's name....and can contact her parents...they would be a good choice too. You also need to write a Plan B letter....the letter is an important step that should not be skipped. It spells out the fact that you are too hurt to continue but love him and that the door is open to reconciliation. Let me know if you need some guidelines for Plan B. Try to remember that you are very emotional and hurt right now and that this Plan is to give you some peace, control, and separation from the chaos he's creating. Where are you going to go chere? Who will be your intermediary?

hugs!!!

I moved out last Sunday while my husband was out of town. On Monday when he returned home he called me wanting to know what was going on. I did the plan B letter over the phone and haven't had any contact since. Just now I received a floral delivery from him and the note says he misses me. Here's the catch...our anniversary is Sunday...were they for that? But the note didn't say "happy anniversary"...and I checked his credit card account and they were ordered on Tuesday. My question is: do I call or email him to thank him? He's NEVER had flowers delivered for me before. Is he just trying to pull me back into his game?

Slow down a little. Your anniversary was Sunday, and he was camping with friends on your anniversary and didn't want you along? Forget about the flowers, and stay in Plan B.

Sorry. He was camping last weekend (Memorial) and our anniversary is this coming up Sunday (the 5th).

He hasn't agreed to my terms yet. He just sent flowers...so you're right. I need to continue with NC.

Your Plan A sucked bigtime.

You need to control yourself (I thought I was bad, LOL).

Are you seeing any counselor?

Since you can't Plan A at home, what about Exposure?

Who have you told?

Plan B means you have Died and are Six feet under, get it.

Dead people cannnot make phone calls, email, text message, relay info thru family, etc... Understand.

Stay DARK, very DARK no matter how much he begs.

Have you contacted the Harleys?

Andrew

NW - I should have looked at the marriage date on your sig line. You were only married 9 months before he started this stuff? You should still be like honeymooners. That is a big red flag for me.

Are you working? Expecting?

We lived together for three years before we married and he was wonderful then.

Yes, I have a good job and we have no children and none on the way.

Okay, that is good. You never saw any signs of him being immature?

Has he experienced any losses lately?

TA,

I did do a horrible job at Plan A but I could not get over the devaststion I was feeling. I had to leave because I was making things worse and he had to know that his behavior is unacceptable.

I have exposed to several of my friends but most importantly to his mother (who has been very supportive of me) and to a couple whom we are friends with. The couple was shocked and the guy tried to talk to him but told my H that I was crazy. My family also knows "enough" about what is going on.

I am currently seeing an IC.

Believer,

Our situation is a little different than most newlwed couples. Like I said, we lived together for three years before we married. It was almost as if we were already married. In the year before the wedding my 4 y.o. nephew lived with us and we were caring for him as we would our own child. Right before the wedding my mother (who I believe is bi-polar, but who knows?) decided that we weren't doing a good enough job and basically took him into her care. This did affect him pretty hard because he loves kids so much. For years before all this A crap he was pressuring me into having a baby. Anyway, now he says he doesn't think he wants any kids...ever.

My family has put a lot of strain on our relationship (emotionally and financially). The blame that I carry is not realizing how much strain and not taking steps to prevent it.

Can you go more into the relationship with your family?

My parents make poor financial decisions so we have always helped them out with random bills. My H and I have had combined finances since we first moved in together. Several months prior to the start of the A I told my parents that we could not do this for them anymore.

My H and I both have pretty good jobs and make decent money. I would say that my H is materialistic to an extent. Even my MIL says that he has always been that way. So I guess he was starting to feel like he wasn't getting to buy all the new toys and gadgets he wanted. (I'm not so sure about this because he has always bought so much stuff.) Anyway a few weeks ago he started spending money like crazy...the new playstation and games, new DSL line, new cell phone, new clothes, etc,...and a new computer system.

My mother caused a lot of drama just prior to our wedding. She used to love my H when he was my boyfriend and fiance. Then a month or two before the wedding she suddenly decided she didn't like him anymore and was constantly trying to start drama with and between us.

NW - Did you move in with your parents?

no...I am in an apartment with 2 roommates. He doesn't know where I am...just who I'm with. I went to this apartment for a week or two before when things were so overwhelming the last two months...and then I always went back to him. This time I actually moved everything out of our (his...now) place and NC. Before was just to clear my head but we still communicated.

Okay, that is good. I'm happy you are not living with your parents. They seem to be part of the problems in your marriage.

There is no hurry to do anything right now. Your marriage has started out very badly, but I think it can be turned around. It may be that your husband was not getting his emotional needs met. Maybe he felt like your parents were more important to you. I don't know.

But anyway, men's top EN's are usually sex, admiration, a clean home, financial support. There may be others, but how were you doing in these areas?

Believer - Thanks for your input.

Up until a month ago I was in school in addition to working fulltime. I went back to school 3 years ago to get a further degree in my field. He was very supportive of my being in school. He understood (for awhile) the time committment it required from me.

My H never wanted for admiration and financial contributions from me. I am a very affectionate person...physically and verbally. Unfortunately my busy schedule affected sex and a clean home...two things that I really tried to improve during Plan A. I feel those improvements were very successful, however it was my unability to refrain from LBers that forced me into Plan B.

Now four days into Plan B I know that this is the right decision. I love my husband more than anything and would love to make this work...but only if we can be truly happy together. I always knew he loved me...even now I believe he does. But he has expressed to me that he is afraid that I will never be able to get past what he has done. (Keep in mind he still denies anything has happened.)

I know he was not getting all of his emotional needs met given my schedule but I can't say that that is an excuse for the way he has acted. He was patient up until the last semester. All I can think is that perhaps he got overwhelmed by the impending plans we had: when I graduated we were going to buy a house and start a family.

I'm just afraid that we won't be able to resolve things because I know him - he does not communicate well and would most rather move on than have to confront things.

One week in and I'm doing better than I thought I would be. I miss my H terribly. Today (Sunday) is our anniversary. I just got back from the sports bar across the street. I decided to treat myself to a beer. Anyway I had a nice conversation with a guy that, if I were single, I might be interested in. However all I can think about now is my H. Is he going to try and contact me today? My vote is no. I thought initially I'd be okay going through my first anniversary alone but now I'm not so sure. I'm sure at some point I'll have a good cry...not exactly the plans I had in mind a few months ago. Why am I thinking abmout him when I'm almost positive I'm the last thing on his mind?

I hope you didn't quit school. How much longer do you have? Working full time, going to school, having a husband, and taking care of a home is a big load. Check out the flylady.com site. Don't sign up for the email, or you will get emails 10 times a day. But the rest of the site is great to show you how to get the house clean with very little effort.

And Happy Anniversary. Hope you will do something for yourself and not worry so much about what he will do.