ok, here's my story.....

my stbxh is having an affair with some young thing. As far as I know, it is only in the EA stage.
Now, I have never met this girl he's seeing.....what little I do know about her i absolutely despise and abhor. That's not counting how proud she is to be my husband's girlfriend!
The papers are not even filed yet, and there are pics on her website with them embracing! "devastated" does not even scratch the surface!

Ok, i kinda drifted off the point there. here i go for real:

I'm concerned that he may not have shared with her that both stbx and I share an STD (we each got it at the exact same time, so we don't know 'who' gave it to the other). Not the most traumatic variety, but incurable all the same. This does not sit well. I have a pretty strong moral conscience, and regardless of the fact that I despise this woman-thing and have been emotionally ripped to shreds by stbx over this relationship (been about 3 mos), I feel it only fair that I inform her of this.....and explain this is not a ploy to break them up, but just that i think she should know beforehand.....especially if they are not in a highly committed relationship (ie no ring of any kind).....suppose they break up. so their relationship is over, but now she is stuck the rest of her life with this STD.
Now, my question is this..........am I crazy to care? should i just let them go on, and if he never says anything to her (i dont know if it has even crossed his mind), just sit back and hold my tongue and if she gets infected, then that's just what they deserve? I dunno. maybe she does know, and decides she is soooo in love she doesn't care.
But then I feel responsible for at least making sure someone knows. And if it ends up straining the relationship so much that it falls apart, then yay.
So, what do you guys think? Let consequences take their toll, or answer that higher conscience calling and tell her? is it silly for me to care enough about her to go out of my way like that?

I don't think it's your business to tell her. Whether or not she is your STBX's sexual partner or not, she's not yours. Your intervention is likely to be misconstrued: (1) she may not believe you (especially if he lies to her), and just think you are trying to break them up; (2) he may not need to tell her yet, but be planning to, and your intervention will then seem to him (and to her) as an attempt to break up his relationship; (3) he may already have told her, in which case you will just come over as a person who doesn't know your STBX and assumes the worst; (4) he may be taking sufficient precautions without telling her.

Whatever way you cut it, neither he nor she will ever believe that you are intefering out of altruistic concern for her. They will assume (rightly or wrongly) that you are trying to break up the relationship. They are both likely to hate you for it and it may well drive them together against you.

And morally, I think you would be completely justified in doing nothing; it's his job to run his sexual life in a moral way, not yours.

If you are really worried, I think you could talk to him and make sure he has not "forgotten" what he should be doing. Then you can and should leave it to him.

Also, I think you should ask yourself what your motives are. I mean, you obviously feel (of course) very upset and hurt and jealous and angry about the OW. Can you be sure that one reason you want to talk to her about this is to try to interfere and muck up the relationship for the STBX? You shouldn't feel bad about that. It's only human. But I do think it is the wrong thing to do ... we gain nothing much, especially in the long run, from doing this.

I would tell. I know it may be taken the wrong way, but you would have done the right thing. Maybe she already knows, if not, she'll find out. I know it is not your place, but she has proven herself to be really dumb by getting involved with a man who is not yet divorced.

Let your moral conscience be your guide, and tell her. Of course, she probably won't believe you, so be prepared for that too. You might suggest that she ask your H for papers from his doctor that he's drug- and disease-free. (Lots of ppl do that now once they get into a serious relationship).

And it's OK if you care (if it's truly caring and not a "getting even" attitude).

Really now, it is NOT your problem. Your STBX and her chose to 'play' (for lack of a better word) and they will have to pay. It is HIS responsibility (if you could even say there is such a thing as far as he's concerned) to let her know. Affairs are all based on lies, selfishness and fantasy and all concerned know that. Stoical is right - they'd just consider it as you're trying to bust them up. Are you in Plan B? As such, it's 'let him (and her) now begin to realize the consequences of their continuing selfish actions of him not sticking to his Marriage Vows and her for knowing he's married, yet DISRESPECTING those Vows.
If it were me: HELL NO! Let him tell her or let her find out on her own. You are not responsible nor do you have any obligation to inform her.
Only my 2 cents.
TDL

How about this approach?

I would tell STBXH... "Either you tell her or I will!" Hopefully that'll push him to do the right thing.

Miker

Okay, my H gave me an incurable STD, probably the same one you have. Mine actually lied to me and told me he was clean. Longggg story.

Personally, I would not tell her. If you are divorcing, you'd be sticking your nose into someone else's business. If you are hoping to avoid divorce, you might just drive them closer together.

I'm concerned that he may not have shared with her that both stbx and I share an STD (we each got it at the exact same time, so we don't know 'who' gave it to the other).
You both had affairs at the same time?

Uh, yes, they are ALL sexual partners cause STDs don't care who you have sex with.

The papers are not even filed yet,
What papers?
Divorce?
Why so quick?

thanks everybody for the advice. i will keep my mouth shut until im sure it's the right time to say something to stbxh.
i agree it is wise not to talk to his girlie thang.

To answer some questions.....

1. no, my stbxh and i did not both have affairs (outside our marriage), but we were both sexually active before we got together. neither one of us had ANY symptoms whatsoever until after we had cohabitated. so when i say "who", i meant between my stbx and i--"who" had the std and gave it to the other....not that it matters, we could have both had it and not known.

2. About "papers", yes, i meant the divorce kind. Why so quick? i dunno, ask my stbxh. he's the one that gave up. we were separated for about a year, he came back August 2004. Because i'm the one that did all the changing, he soon slipped back into the old behavior patterns that wore on our marriage to begin with...so he moved back out this past Feb. and has had his sights on divorce since.
this affair of his (since March)has totally changed how amicable im willing to be, so that's what's up with the delay in filing.