I'm one of these anal retentive types who follows "the rules". That said, I waited until I was divorced to date, and then waited a year before I really dated. All along I've said I wouldn't introduce my kids to anyone until I've been dating them 6 months. OK, 6 months is here and I'm not certain I'm ready to integrate.
My friends laugh and say it's because I think he'll be scared off when he meets my monsters (angels). I have very active, very loud and very opinionated children.
He hasn't brought up meeting the kids in a very long time, but told me a while ago that he wanted to take them to the beach.

I'm trying to understand why I am so reluctant to have him meet the kids. I'm justifying it to myself by saying that this relationship is just about me and for me, not the kids. I told him early on I'm not looking for a father for my kids or a husband, yet I'm actually afraid to introduce him. Any ideas why?


My kids know about boyfriends and girlfriends and their dad has been dating someone for over a year (a very nice divorced woman who I've met, and my children have said only good things about her so I feel comfortable with that).

Some friends theorize that I know deep down that he is not "the one" and I don't want to expose my kids to just anyone. But he is really a nice guy.

This upcoming weekend marks 6 months. Any thoughts?

AT first, when I read your title of the post, I was ohhhhh Newly.....(in excitement).

Then I read it, and I thought ohh, Newly. I makes me a bit sad.

So, I'm thinking.....
You may be thinking, this is not the one and you don't want to parade several guys in front of your children.

Or,
Your afriad for some other reason, that it won't work out, and you have brought someone into their lives they may become attached to and then that would be hard.

Or,
Maybe your feeling for some reason that it's not fair to bring someone into their lives other than their father, because he is the only father figure for the.

I don't know for sure.
But, I guess if your not ready for it inside, then maybe it's not time yet.
You have done everything so well, I'm proud of you!
I know you will make the right choice. Keep us posted on how you handle the situation.
I know I could take some pointers from you.

I do respect you Newly.

Karona

I wish I knew what to do here. Some friends say that I should introduce the kids to the person with whom I spend time even if he's not "the one". I do think the kids suspect that I'm dating as they've dropped hints. (I can't believe how much they understand at their young ages.)
And this is a guy who treats me well which would be good for the kids to see.

I think many people here miss the feeling of family, where both parents spend time together with the kids. I never really had that. I felt like a single parent when I was married because my X was not around us. So I don't "miss" that piece, and really can't imagine what it would be like with a positive person. I'm so used to the three of us doing things.

My 7 YO said to me Saturday, "Mom, you don't need to spend every minute with us." I tried to get some explanation here, but didn't get much. I told her I want to spend as much time with them when I have them as I can.

Although I'm tired now: Friday play date & dinner, Sat. canoeing and movie & dinner out, Sunday amusement park and cookout, today: I'm at work then a cookout later. Sleep?

Goodness Newly,
You make me happy for my quiet weekend. I hate that you have to work today, yuk!!

I had a cookout yesterday, and a sleepover with two extras Friday night. Other than that, my weekend has been very quiet, and I rather enjoyed it.

I guess I'm like most others here. I do miss the family feeling. But, I very much realize, that whomever I end up with, will not be a replacement for their father. I'm not looking for that. But, I do expect who ever that guy is, to treat my girls very well.

It may be good for your girls to see you with someone. To see you happy in that aspect of life. You don't have to be showy around them, (as I know you wouldn't anyway), but for them to see a healthy relationship, and see you smile may not be such a terrible thing.

My mom was also divorced. I don't know time lines now, but I know that we met a couple of the guys she dated. I can't say that I feel scared from that. I know that we did have our opinions of them, and I'm sure we told her.
Now, that being said, we were older than your girls though too. So, I don't think I can make a real fair comparison.
It will be interesting to see what other people's advice is for you. I will watch.

Have a good day Newly.

Karona

No way to tell why anyone does anything for certain, but I will offer some thoughts, besides the obvious ones you and karona allready mentioned.

Personally I think the notion of not wanting to confuse kids by introducing them to someone you like (but are not sure you will marry) is bad psychology. One of the reasons it is bad is this very scenario, you are in angst over something cause you have some not clearly understood conflict over a very natural act....that being your children having fun with a male other than their bio father. This deprives the children of 3 things..

1. The opportunity for emotional growth, by observing how you conduct yourself in a dating situation...someday they will date, and the more positive examples they observe before that time...the better. As their mother, your example (and dad's, who btw they are observing apparently) your examples are very powerful. Why deny them that?

2. Children are patronized (as well as deprived of more opportunity for growth) by assuming if they like your current romantic interest, they will be traumatized when you break up. Well, children are not porcelain vases, they won't break, and learning how to handle this kind of disappointment is an important part of life...well unless we want to raise clingy, needy children. They will experience such loss often if leading a normal life, friends, family, and love interests will come and go with regularity. I do think a dating parent should have a lot of conversation with one's kids so they understand these things though, that should greatly minimize disappointment.

3. They are being deprived of male (or female) role models. If you are a good person, they you should be choosing worthy males as relationship material (if not, you have other bigger problems). In the it takes a village to raise children (something I totally believe is true), then your male friends will enrich your children's lives by providing examples of strong and desireable male behavior...

So much for kids, now for you. It is possible your surmise about fearing scaring him off with your kids is true. If so, you need to work on you, that fear is not healthy. You have kids, that's a fact, and any man worthy of your interest will understand you come with kids, and he is "marrying" them also (in a manner of speaking)...he has to also discern whether you have the emotional capacity to be a good wife, meaning put him ahead of your kids (if you marry), that is the primary reason I stop dating women, when I figure out they are married to their kids and always will be.

You need to know this too, as it seriously impacts your ability to be a proper wife to a new husband...and if you can't do it, need to make that clear to men, so they don't expect a very close relationship with you (there are men who will settle for that...but then you have to accept they aren't very connected to you either). Anyways, the only way to figure all this out, is to "live" life, that means have full range in the relationship...not keep your dates in a box. In the meantime, your kids will be fine, and get to enjoy activities, such as going to the beach.

I also do not see how you can possible decide whether a male is worthy until you see how they are with kids, their own, yours...and such, this is a key parameter in character. Since you have a limited idea at this point, how can you know for sure your reason is (if that is the reason, I know you aren't sure) you don't see him as the one? You have not allowed a complete relationship, if there is other factors that are deal-breakers, why are you still dating him? That simply removes you from the dating pool, and wastes emotional resources on something that is a waste of time.

I realize relationships are not that easily "figured out" (I sure have struggled with all these things myself, and still am)... you seem stuck. My suggestion is do some soul searching, and if you are not ready to give him up...then your path is clear, and it includes sand...go to the beach girl, and have some fun. It doesn't mean you are marrying him, nor would you tell your kids you are marrying, you just ask them if they would like to go to the beach with you and Jack (or whoever he is).

I do think it is incredibly bad behavior to cohabitiate, or have sleepovers with ones b/gf..and that such behavior is harmful to kids. I also think pre-marital intercourse/genital contact is also a very bad idea period, But other than that concern, I think it is actually good to include ones kids in all of ones life...including dating. Age appropriate, I would be inclined to date someone for awhile before involving younger kids....but less so for teens, who are often pretty good observers, and have a much better grasp of why people date, and that it often ends, and can handle well observing you, as well as be a source of feedback...

About your comment not looking for a father....Of course you are, any man you marry will become a step-father to your children,(even adult children) and grandfather to future (or current) grandkids by virtue of their relationship with you. Such is life...how this manifests depends on age of kids. If ones bio dad is an active handson "father" as well, then the step-dad's role will reflect that fact... But at the very least, they will become a mentor, and role model, as well as "parental" type resource to your kids....and IMO discerning how well someone can (and is willing to) fill this role should be a key factor in your assessment of them as marriage material. IMO it is a huge mistake, not to mention destabilizing to a try at a 2nd marriage not to view the new partner as having motherly/fatherly roles to play, as well as spousal ones. If people do not properly integrate their kids into a new marriage, it greatly increases the likelihood of failure...and any man (or woman) who seeks your hand, but not your kids, would be a bad choice as well.

My guess is you have not figured this out, and by thinking you aren't looking for a father, have set yourself up for internal conflict re involving your kids. Once you conclude (if you do) that yeah, who I marry will be a dad too, I suspect your conflict will diminish.

Very nicely said Knight!!

K

I don't have kids. Does he? I'm not sure why i'm asking <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. Just coming from a different perspective, I suppose. My last BF of 2 years had 2 kids
(teenagers), so I'm comparing to my situation. Teenagers are different. For example, it would be impossible - I think - to keep them away from me for 6 months, And talk about loud and opinionated! LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />.

But I have heard that (the 6 month thing), and I'm glad you followed that rule <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />, but I think you should go ahead and let it happen. I didn't read all of knight's reply, but I definitely liked #1 and #2 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. My BF also always said the "dating for me" thing, and "not looking for a mother for my kids". But, they are still your kids, and a very big part of YOUR life, and a very big part of the whole picture for you and your dating partner. The longer you date him, the more a part of "ya'll" they will become, anywhere from schedule compromises, attention-grabbing, energy-balancing, to family activities (all 4 of you), birthdays, vacations, etc. If he's NOT the one, then knight's post comes into play. Emotional growth comes in for everyone. Your kids would have met/made another "friend". What's wrong with that? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> If you're not sure he's the "one" (and really, 6 months may be too soon to know), seeing how he and the kids interract will be the only way to learn that... ultimately. Even though you say he's only there for "you" is fine and wonderful, but your kids are part of you, and always will be.

Let it happen. It will be fine.

If your not comfortable doing it yet then why would you? Just because this magic 6 month point has been reached?

Maybe start by talking about him to your children and see if they are interested in meeting him. Why rush things?

Personally I think its great that you are being cautious about this.... There are countless kids that have been effected negatively by the opposite : Being introduced to new partners too early.

I say stick to your gut and don't jump into anything before you or the kids are ready.

Cheers,

Miker

Newly, you probably know my thoughts already. I think you should tell the children you are dating. You can explain that while you are going out with a man, that doesn't necessarily mean you are in love with him or you are going to marry him. Adults enjoy going out and spending time together.

You can also tell the girls that if you and your friend become more serious, you will introduce them.

I think it has a lot to do with the ages of your kids and their expectations.

I was dating someone for over a year, and I had the same ambivilence about introducing them.

My kids would prefer not to meet any bf/gf of their parents. Their lives are busy and full already.

My Ex and I share 50/50 custody. I only date during the time my Ex has the kids. The week I have them is devoted to them.

But again, my kids are older than yours (19, 16 and almost 12). I don't see myself getting married again while my kids are living at home. So I guess I think -- why bother?

I do think the kids suspect that I'm dating
You are thinking about introducing him & you have not even told them you are dating? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Let them know you are seeng someone & give it some time for everyone to deal with BEFORE you introduce them

You don't need to explain what your expectations are/aren't with this guy.
Just let them know you are dating.
They are young and are only looking for a simple answer, not a detailed explanation.

Interestingly enough, a friend from work stopped over yesterday, and I could see my DD's concern. She immediately asked "do you like him?". I said yes, he's a friend from work. It didn't seem to help, but then his girlfriend met the girls and I could see my DD was relieved.
For some reason, this dating concern (and even the divorce) affects my oldest far more than my youngest.

I guess it's time to start mentioning it to them. BTW, I never see him on my kid time, always on my time.

She immediately asked "do you like him?".
Keep in mind that when a young kid asks, "do you like him", they mean in a boyfriend/girlfriend way.

I knew how she meant it, but when I asked her she wouldn't admit it.

I disagree with Chris. I think you should talk about expectations when you tell them you are dating. Dating means a lot of different things to different people. Just look at the posts on this board!

Your oldest is very observant, Newly, and ... how should I say this? she takes things BIG. Big emotions. If you don't tell her what your definition of dating is, she'll be inclined to make it up and make it larger and more dramatic than it is.

For other children, it may be best not to give them any explaination. Each child is different and one approach won't fit everyone.

You are right. She does have BIG emotions. Hmm. Now I need to find a good definition of dating. Any ideas?

Don't meet the kids until you think the relationship could be marriage bound. Your children should be spared as many breakups as possible.

Mrs. W8ing

Meeting the kids and spending some time with them every now and then is different from spending tons of time together, integrating them into a "new family" life and risking the kids attachment, IMO.

I disagree with Chris. I think you should talk about expectations when you tell them you are dating.
I gues my comment fdidn't come out as well on the screen as it did in my head....

They are only 5 & 7 so the discussions of expectations in dating should be kept at a very, very low level.

If you don't tell her what your definition of dating is, she'll be inclined to make it up and make it larger and more dramatic than it is.

Yes, this is good.

Totally threadjacking, so sorry, Newly. Chris, have you heard anything from or about Lefty? Every once in a while I wonder what happened to her.