Here's the link to an interesting article in today's (5/30/05) Washington Post:
On line dating tell-all sites

It describes an independent web site that provides "reviews" for on-line dating participants to spill the beans on dates that were not honest in their on-line personnas.

Assuming that the link above may become unavailable in a few days, here's the URL to the described "review" site: Truedater.com

I am a successful "graduate" of match.com and have been in a wonderful relationship with my SO since we met in Sept. 2002. It worked for us. That said, we should not be surprised - and both me and my SO experienced this - that some on-line participants are, er, less than truthful in their self descriptions. Pretty stupid, huh? I mean, what person is going to continue in ANY relationship that began under false pretenses? (Oh yea, I forgot - a wayward spouse. Nevermind.)

Just thought this info would be useful for any current on-line daters.

Good point WAT...my girlfriend met somebody online (and I warned her about it)...he said he was separated and he was NOT...I MB'd her quickly and showed her the warning signs...she already saw them before the last date...luckily nothing past a peck occurred...but the guy was trolling for guillable women...sad but true.

Am online myself right now. And met one who was bald but was NOT in his most recent photo...luckily it was coffee and I skedaddled quickly...and then have been a few that were somewhat ok but nothing on the "oh wow" o-meter.

One very good one thus far...we're gonna see how this one goes.

Congratualations to you! Seems so far you and Redhat are doing great in the new relationship area!

Lend us your secrets...what worked for you? What consistacies did you find? What inconsistancies? Just like to see how you did it and maybe we all could duplicate your success around here.

And yes, you're right about the folks not depicting themselves as they are in real life. I'd say that happens about 1/3 of the time imho.

Well, definitely watch out for THOSE types!! (WAT putting on his hat) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I don't think I have any secrets to share. It should go without saying, i.e., NOT a secret, that complete honesty is the right approach if you're sincere about trying to find a good relationship and not a one night stand. Sadly, some out there are looking only for the latter.

It's been three years since I started with match.com and if I remember correctly, I don't recall any real misrepresentations from the women I met. Other than my SO, I only had multiple dates with one other woman, so it's possible misrepreentations were present that I didn't identify. There were no women who turned out to be bald. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I do remember being frustrated that many, many women were looking for guys at least 5' 10". I'm 5' 8". The "tall" criteria was even provided by women 6" shorter than me. But this was a clue that likely they were not my type to be so "shallow." At least that was my rationale. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

In comparing notes with my SO, it's seems clear that the on-line dating experiences differ greatly between men and women. The activity levels are different. We shouldn't be surprised, huh? I did find it helpful to do searches as if I was a woman to see what other guys were saying in their profiles. That's how I decided to avoid cliches like "looking for chemistry" and "I am as comfortable in a tux as in bluejeans." Far, far, far too common - and shallow.

My reply rate - the number of replies I got to the number of contacts I attempted - was about 1 to 10. I had few unsolicited contacts. My SO tells quite a different story - she got too many unsolicited contacts to keep up with and sent many, many "no thank you replies." BTW, that was her first reply to me.

I only used match.com - seems there weren't as many then as now - and they WERE very strict and seemingly senseless about some things they wouldn't post. I did browse the yahoo version and saw some familiar faces (from match.com) but yahoo's clientel seemed more overtly interested in finding sex rather than relationships. Seems the match.com "strictness" was successfully keeping this element out.

Hope this helps somebody.

WAT

The first man I met "for real" from an online site was supposedly divorced from a woman (with children) in a far away state. That was true. What he failed to tell me was that he was living with another woman who had a baby by him and a second on the way! He wasn't looking for a relationship. He was looking for some place to store items he'd embezzled from his employer. He went to jail. I was the first of five ladies he attempted to con. Somehow, a couple of the others found me and filled me in.

I had one other bad experience with a rage-aholic. The other men --lots, to be honest-- that I met from online were all quite nice, thank goodness.

Mrs. W8ing

The reality is that anybody you meet anywhere can be a jerk or a great person. You don't often know until you have spent a few hours, or maybe a few dates with them.

My very limited dating using Match has shown me that the women on it are of generally very high quality. I will use it again at a future time. There were a few who obviously used photos taken 5 years and 30 pounds ago, or who made great claims about being open, warm, friendly, but then probed and probed until they found a defect in me that showed I was not perfect.

The ones I really disliked were the ones who wanted "instant chemistry" (don't they think it takes time to get to know somebody?), or want me to make them laugh (don't they have their own sens of humor?), or the the ones who describe themselves as some type of wild, super independent woman who needs a man to tame them. (Do I look like I work in a circus? Besides I would rather enjoy her independence than squash it.)

Overall, most of the women I met were great ladies.

JIE - I couldn't agree more.

Many people poo poo on-line dating as lesser and somehow dangerous. I consider these opinions as not being well thought out. Meeting someone in a bar is better?

Using match.com, I soon made it a personal policy to not further consider any woman who was looking for "chemistry." If they couldn't be more original than that, they likely were not for me.

WAT

[color:"blue"]WAT,

I used match.com and found a very nice man there who I've been seeing now for a year.

Couple of questions:

Are you really bald? Would you ever consider wearing a toupee? Why or why not? (My bf wears one - I've never seen him without it even after a year...)

I too found men who posted pics from 10 years ago, strange men, and angry men. I usually was able to screen out the bad or weird ones with a phone call (blocked of course) or two. I also found men that were there simply to find women and some men that were probably there to cheat. This one guy was looking for a vacation companion - someone to go on trips with. That to me sounds like a business man that travels and wants to have fun away from the wife.

Anyway, I would not run from a bald guy - hey I'd be cutting myself off from ~35% of the male population. And being 5'2" myself, I prefer a smaller man - those giants are hard to kiss from down here...

Sunny
[/color]

Hi Sunny -


Well, not completely bald. I have the typical male pattern baldness gene, inherited from my maternal grandfather. Neither my father nor brother are so benefited. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Wear a toupee? Absolutely not! But I do have a nice collection of hats - to provide warmth and sun protection.

I am very comfortable with my natural "self" and I giggle at the hair restoration commercials on TV. I even said this in my match.com profile and more than a few women noted - even if we weren't matches for other reasons - that they admired a man who was 1) not afraid to mention their thinning hair in their profile and was 2) not so vain that they needed to "correct" the "problem."

I even keep what's left of my hair cut very short to make it easier to apply sunscreen. Just a little dab will do ya........ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

WAT

[color:"blue"]I think BF is afraid to get old and that's why the toupee. He is 44 and I am 40 almost 41. Hey - I'm not afraid - I get more comfortable with myself every year. I wonder though how you can keep something this huge from your GF for a year. It was only very recently that I asked him about it - I figured eventually he would tell me and he never did.

Sunny[/color]

Apparently it's huge enough for him. Based on the money being made out there by the hair restoration industry, your BF is not alone.

Back on subject, I did just recall an unsolicited contact from a nearby match.com woman whom I had not seen in my "searches." Reason I had not seen her: she listed her marital status as "separated." I screened for single, divorced, widowed. At least she was honest.

I politely replied that I limit my dates to single, divorced, widowed women and that "separated" = married to me. Boy, did THAT cause trouble. In rapid fire fashion she immediately fired back about 6 messages lambasting me for being so inconsiderate - that her separation was her husband's idea, she was a good wife, etc., etc., etc. I apologized for unintentionally hitting a hot button with her and sent her the URL to MB. She was very emotional.

WAT

I catched dishonest one <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> ... she is listed as DV'ed but she is separating. I turned the lunch date into MB talk and told her that I was looking only Singles/DV'ed/Widowed.

I didn't have the chance to use eHarmony.com . I put my profile up and get matched to contact several women. Before I was ready to make contact I found my GF.

I like the idea of double blind until you are ready to make contact to each other.

-rh-

[color:"blue"] I tried to use eharmony. I am an unusual personality both by meyers/briggs and eharmony's system and I would get only a couple of matches a month. Most of those were men who probably did not have a membership or lived far away. It is very expensive.

I completely understand the prejudice about separated/divorced issues. I did start with match.com before I was divorced, but I had filed a year previously and been separated from the ex for 9 months after he moved 4 hours away. My fear would be that a separated person would reconcile (or should reconcile) with their stbx and leave me with hurt feelings. Plus you really are still married.

Sunny[/color]

I had no luck with eharmony. The test results didn't really describe me and my matches didn't seem to fit many of my "must haves" at all. So I was really disappointed. Not a single date. It could be that it's not as dense in some regions. I'm about 50 miles from "the" major metropolitan area, and got very little communication.

Match.com was a bust too.

On the subject of being bald, I can step in for a comment. I am nearly there having lost about 90% of the hair on top of my head. I wish it was there, but it isn't and the modern hair restoration techniques are questionable at worse.

Toupes and hair pieces are very expensive and the good ones require constant upkeep. Plug and grafts may look good for a while until more hair is lost. And if your hair ever gets wet or windblown you get what is called "doll hair". Little circles of hair plugs show in the scalp. YUK!

The reality is for most men over 40, women realize that the hair is thinning and most women don't care, though I have run into those who have made a full head of hair a physcial requirement. That is their right and I move on to the next female. But, most women don't mind the hair loss, just like I don't mind a few stretch marks, or some cellulite. And those wrinkles around the eyes are an especially sexy sign of maturity.

Hair loss is not something I can control so I live with it. What I can control is my behavior, attitude and the way I treat the woman. When I had hang-ups or emotional upsets after the divorce, I worked with a therapist to get through them. I can also control my physical health so I eat right, get some exercise and since my divorce have lost about 15 pounds. No big beer gut hanging over the belt for me!

Actually I found mine at my own church ... right under my nose all along. She didn't dare to approach me since she was still DV'ng and I didn't pay any attention to her at all. 5 months after her DV'ed she made herself available ... LOL!. I saw a lot of potential at the school <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />, I 've gone out w/ some of my classmates. However my GF wants me fast for herself only <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> .

Match.com N Yahoo!Personals was a bust for me ... few dates but no potential.

I think the key is figuring out and spend time in "your target environment".

-rh-

I just love this new forum. How needed it was, and I didn't even notice it until just recently. Thanks MB!

RH -

I really agree with your line of thinking here. For one it makes the newly single get out and stretch a bit. If I start dating again this is the approach I hope to take. Will be hard after isolating myself as I have which is very common for the betrayed to do.

I did try match.com years ago and had very good success. And Eharmony just this past winter. I met a couple of great guys but unfortunately for me I was just not ready to date.

And as far as the hair thing goes. I cannot imagine caring about a mans hair. The guys I know who are balding just shave their head, or closely crop and they look quite sexy to me. Besides I want to be the only vain one in the relationship, I can only worry about my own hair - no one elses! LOL

Tried eHarmony. Was sent many "matches" ("matches" according to eHarmony!), but I found that many had traits that I had listed as incompatible or "deal" breakers.

Men with long hair, short hair, in-between, bald....I'm attracted to each kind. As long as there's no "comb overs"!!! And the hair is kept clean if hair is present. I love running my fingers through a man's hair, and I love stroking the softness of a bald man's head. If a man has a rude, conceited personality, it doesn't matter what's on top of their noggin!

A man's height? Well I always wanted the man to be taller than me (5'5"), preferably at least 3 inches taller or more. That's no longer a given for me. The absolutely most desireable, sexy man I've ever dated was 5'5" and bald. His charisma..spirit..was sky high! And he made me feel like I was the most desireable woman in the world!!

weaver, I found out, at my age (42),at grad school 20+ to 50 years old available women are very refreshing ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> . If I didn't get taken by my current GF I had 3 ladies on the list to date <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> .

-rh-

Try Junior College ... take some classes ... LOL!. I took a required course for my grad program and I dated one of my class mate (same age as mine).

-rh-

I've got a fair amount of experience from a man's perspective using various online dating sites so I'll throw in my experiences, for what they are worth. As always, YMMV.

1) eHarmony is an expensive waste of money, by and large, IMHO. If it worked for some, that's wonderful, but most of the people I know tried it for a month and bailed. There are some great reviews out there about it. Pretty funny stuff.

2) Yahoo, Match, etc.: Men outnumber women by as much as 7:1 depending on age group. If you are an attractive female, be prepared to be innundated with icebreakers, emails, etc. My GF (whom I met on Yahoo) got 300+ per week.

3) Women lie about their weight and age. Men lie about weight and height. Both sexes often use outdated photos (5 years or more). When you meet for the first time, go in with low expectations. My GF met a lot of men she called "little gnomes" who were about 8 inches shorter than stated in their profiles. Perhaps they thought she wouldn't notice. I had an embarrassing first date with a supposed 40yo who turned out to be over 50.

4) A good profile is necessary, a good picture is critical. The reality is that looks DO matter so try and look your best. Smile!!! It's amazing how many people look like they just had a root canal. That said, avoid using something like a Glamour Shot as it tends to embellish too much.

5) Speaking of profiles, when you write a profile, don't write stuff like "I'm tired of men's games" or "Looking for my soulmate". The first one says you have a lot of baggage and the second one is just plain unrealistic. Humor is always good. Most of the men I know like women with a sense of humor. Educated men will be turned off by spelling and grammar errors. At least I am.

6) Be aware of buzzwords in your emails/profile. Sadly, men will tend to read between the lines in the hopes of getting you between the sheets. "Looking for fun" or "Looking for good times" gets extrapolated to "Looking for casual sex". Fortunately, most of these toads will make themselves known early on by starting their emails with "Hey baby...". Best to make heavy use of the [DELETE] button.

7) Be careful. Never give out your home phone number until you are sure you are not with a stalker type. Yes, there are a number of men who get off on pestering women with phone calls, emails, flowers, etc, because they can. One date or a kiss goodnight seems to equate to marriage. When you say 'no', say it politely but be very clear about it. Also, while it may seem a bit paranoid, must counties have online access to court documents from speeding tickets to domestic issues. You can (and maybe should) verify that Mr. Wonderful is not a convicted criminal or still married. Yes, one of the women I dated found out a guy she was seeing had been convicted of armed robbery.

Finally, online dating is not for everyone. And there's a certain luck aspect to it. It can be both a lot of fun and very frustrating at the same time. Like the song says, "you'll never know until you try".