So...

In order to protect myself, I did some snooping last night so I could print out some stuff that would prove my H's first affair, and that he's currently seeing someone new. I do not plan to use this in any way, shape, or form...UNLESS...he goes back on his word on helping me financially for the rest of the year. It would not do anything for me in court, etc...however he's an officer in the military. This is a big no-no whether we're separated or not. His affair was with a fellow military officer, who got divorced as soon as she got home (they were at a school together when it first happened).

Anyway, this is the time-line. October 2003--He moves down to Puerto Rico after flight school. I am to follow as soon as my son is finished his semester. Move down in Jan 2003. Two weeks later in February, he has to go to a six-week training course in Alabama. Has an affair. Comes home...I figure it out as soon as he kisses me. He confesses. Tells me he's been unhappy a long time, wants a divorce, blah blah. Affair was over (mostly) before he came home. I suggest trying for another year. He agrees.

Things progress, but very slowly. Though the affair is over, they are still in contact and this hurts me. I get more and more depressed. A Plan A'er, I was not. I spend collosal amounts of time on the computer, which allows me to escape without thinking about things. Still...things *are* getting better.

Come February 2004...he has to go the refresher for the course he went to the previous year. He goes. She goes too. He comes home. Swears he's barely saw her. I don't believe that, but let it go. Says it's been a year since we first talked about things. He acknowledges that things have gotten better...but not enough. He wants the divorce. We talk about it over the next few days and decide to separate instead. Things were good enough to not just throw everything out.

Okay..well, there's a lot in-between, but right now I'm in a basic Plan B. We had started marriage counseling in Jan, but he started seeing someone new in February and stopped the counseling. Says he's sure of what he wants now.

Anyway..back to the 2nd D-day. In my snooping, someone had sent him pictures of him and his affair partner from when they were all at school together. At first I thought these were from the initial affair. But looking at the dates, I see they are from Feb of 2004. This is when he went to the refresher course and came home and told me he wanted the divorce for sure. The pictures were *fairly* innocent, but they were very friendly and so even if nothing went on..there was that strong renewed contact.

I don't even know what to do with this. Now that he's got his new girlfriend that he's soooooooooooo in love with, he just wants me completely out of his life. It's not like I can call him and say, "Look, this really hurt me. I thought you came home wanting a divorce, with no extenuating circumstances." (ie, I didn't think affair was renewed) He's been writing emails about getting the paperwork for the divorce organized. I mean..we're done..over. I predict he'll be married before the year is out, or at least before he leaves PR in the summer...

But this still hurts and I still feel the sting of a new betrayal. Thanks for letting me get it out..since I can't talk to the one I should be talking with about it.

(((((aislinn)))))

I am hearing you loud and clear. You've been through so much and to find out that even your separation and pending divorce is based on lies is heartbreaking. I'm sure your WH would pride himself on how he's just saving you from more pain, but if only he could walk in your shoes for a day...

I'm so sorry for your pain. I wish you well.

~ Snow

Oh Maddy, I am so sorry. It must be so frustrating to have this information. What a heartbreaker for you. {{maddy}}

Hi aislinn,

After reading your post,I came away with this: what your WH is doing just cements that he is the one with the problems and that you will be ok without him and his selfishness.I know it hurts like heck but your WH is now with a new person.Essentially wading through different women being "in love" and happy(whatever) and he is not really sure what that is I'll bet.I'm sure this new one won't even be the last.Even if they do marry it's for all the wrong reasons and not a trusting and appropriate marriage.

I'm sure this probably won't help much but what gets me through some days is knowing that I am the one who maintained my boundaries,beliefs and values and didn't sink to low levels to put my needs first above everyone else.The world is full of people like that but I do find comfort in being who I am today,not just for my children but for family and friends too.

None of this is ever easy.Just wanted you to know that we care. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

O

I loves you baby...been thinking of you a lot lately....

Guess God tells us in our hearts when people need prayin' for, huh?

Sit up. Take a deep breath. Does this REALLY change your perception of him? C'mon girl...think! Between you, me, and the fencepost...you knew he wasn't really honest with you. This was the superglue confirmation.

So what do you do with it? SIT ON IT in case you need it! I mean it! D'ya honestly think I'd let Wookie uproot me to Trigger City w/out my backup data incase he flakes out???? Does he know I still have it? Nope. But it's in a VERY safe place incase he gets a booger up his butt. Since we know your flakeman gets squirrelly on occasion (snort)....you keep that info incase you and mijo need it!

And you email your girlfriends if you need them...specially that blonde one...um...what wuz her name...you know, the one that had the rubber dress.....cause good girlfriends are better than chocolate....

- Kimmy
niosgirl@yahoo.com

Snowbelle, thank you for your kind words. It's not so much heartbreaking...I'm kind of beyond that. Yet something screams inside for me to confront him with this and say..."See?!?!!? Your affair f'd up everything and skewed the way you thought. Can't you see that?" Lol..I won't, of course. I'm in that stage where I'm holding on because I'm not quite ready to let go yet. I don't think we could work things out at this point, but it's still hard to let go. Cuz once I let go....*poof*...it really *is* all over. Just need to get to the place where I'm okay with that. Almost there <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

faithful follower...how're ya doing? It is frustrating--but more because I wish I knew way back when. I'm not sure it would've changed things, but I would've liked to have known! I hope you're well...I have not been reading I'ville as of late and I haven't seen you post in the main board.

Octobergirl, you are very right in what you've said. My H is "in love with love" and digs that honeymoon period. I'm sure it won't last with him and his girl. And while that doesn't really help to know that..shrug...well, the little tiny itty bitty mean-spirit in me is just waitin' for the day (if I ever even find out about it)! I do think he's different now--not in a good or a bad way--just different. It is why I cannot imagine being with him again.

D-de..lol, you do know how to make me laugh. Muhahaha...I'm going to an "event" next weekend where my dress will be entirely appropriate--as will my vinyl pants.

And no, it does not change my perception of him, and I did always suspect they at least hung out when those pictures were taken. And ya, that's why I was snooping in the first place--to have that stuff printed out for back-up. I wouldn't say anything to him about it--I mean really--to what end?

You are all such wonderful people. Why can't the men I marry be more like y'all?

um...cause we're CHICKS!!!!!!!!!!!

Duh! What color is your hair today?

(btw: Died the underneath of my hair dark, dark brown today...very Terri Nunn...LOVE IT...want me to do yours?)

Teehee...well, I was going to go on about cruinsin' the "divorced" board for a good husband, but figured I shouldn't go there, so I rephrased that last bit!

My hair is dark brown...Couple of months ago I dyed it black and I love it. Thinking about getting subtle dark blue highlights...that would be pretty funky and not too far "out there" for work. Well, that's the theory at least!

Blue is great on dark hair..but it fades dull less you keep it up. A couple of washings and blech. Do you do it yourself? C'mon to Trigger City and we'll have a girls night out!

- Kimmy, who "did" hair for awhile....

Nah, I found that while I can get things to look okay doing them myself, having the hairdresser do it comes out much better. And if I were to actually go for the blue highlights--I don't want to be bleaching my hair and doing the Manic Panic thing!

Are you in TX? I think it would be great fun to get together sometime!

Ok...

before you bail out completely, do a distance plan A. Please do it right. There are awesome folks here who can help. Bob, Orchid, Redhat...3 folks great at that.

Set a timeline. Say 6 weeks. Do it well. Do it so that if and when you need to go to a final plan B (hence your timeline of a 2 year affair), you can proceed ahead without any regrets...I say this because part of my peace is that I did ALL I could do. And still my ws, one of MB'ers worst, is fogged and living life large...

If that flaweless plan A fails, switch to a plan B. And that would entail a strict one...maybe with a legal separation or a filing at that point. Your wh has had a long time to deal with this affair and he's lied for 2 years about this.

Wow...Puerto Rico? Hmmm. I am an air force brat and was born there. And I can say, if he had his affair there, he's doing the complete WS foggie thing. Pure fantasy island stuff meets top gun meets Mr. and Mrs. Smith stuff...bleech.

Let's give the man a great A...and if no banana, then switch gears.

You cannot live in limbo forever. You need a plan. You need a timeline to help YOU and the kids.

This way you can always know you did your best. I read in your words you did not do a good plan A. You can always plan A.

Do not waste any time. Get moving.

I see a fatal flaw in alot of MB'ers here. They do a flawed or not at all plan A, or ENABLE THEIR WS LIKE HECK, and then do a partial somewhat plan B that doesn't at all accomplish a plan B and then keep spinning their wheels vascillating between more d-days, more "what do I do?" and tears.

If somebody gave you a handbook on how to survive this, would u use it?

You've got the tools here and the contacts.

Your wh is a flyboy gigolo right now. He's got to find a way and a beacon to get that gps right and fly him home ok? If you can't do it, nobody can. And while maybe nobody can, you HAVE TO TRY AND TRY LIKE HELL OK?

Just a little tough love from somebody who wants to see as many MB'ers make it one way or another here.

Just before I rush off to work. Aislinn are you sure there is another and that it hasn't been the same person all along?
What the hell is the point of lying to you at this stage of the game. It really is one of the most troubling aspects of an affair for the BS. Yuk? tt

tucktummy, yes, I'm sure it's a different person. I've seen pictures of both. And the first affair did technically end before he came home. lol...She was having an affair on her husband...PLUS "cheated" on my husband. They did still keep in contact, though, and it's possible they resumed for a "fling" when he went to the refresher course.

just peachy...I did an awesome plan A. Not for the year after the affair while we were still living together. I hadn't found MB and really didn't know what to do. Was just "waiting and seeing".

But we separated (physically) last June and I Plan A'd until beginning of February. It was working too...until he met a girl. Well...let me rephrase. It worked for me regardless. It was also working for him until he met a girl. Obviously I cannot compete from so far away...when we have problems to work through...and he can spend 24/7 with her and they've got no problems to work through. Nor do i wish to "compete". We had finally started marriage counseling with SH in January. But in February he met a girl. I went into Plan B and have been there since.

We don't have kids together, so there has been very minimal contact. We last saw each other in end of October.

(((and personally, I think you are entirely too cute for this anymore of his unappreciative bs...but that's just me)))

Yep. In Triggerville...I mean SAT. Ready to visit? I know a groovy place in Austin that make great peach 'ritas!

D-de...seriously...don't extend the invitation if you don't want some girl in a rubber dress showing up at your door!! I'm all for a roadtrip!!

just need to wait until I earn some time off work...We don't get x amount of days. We have to earn our time off and where I just started....

And thank you! I think I'm too cute too. much cuter than his current whatever-she-is. Sure, she's younger. Sure, she has a six-pack (correction...*had*..first pics I saw of her she had a six pack...couple of months later...no more six pack). BUT....while I'm not gorgeous or model-like. I'm HOT....if I may say so, I wear my vinyl pants well.

That's the thing about six pack abs...the more six packs you drink, the less the abs.....

You are so very gorgeoumous! So there. And I don't even have beer gogs on! LOL!

I have to extend an invite??? Geeze! We're friends Maddy! No invite needed. My cousin has a house in Austin ifn' you wanna party with the bands! I swear we're sisters seperated at birth or something......lol! Does FAMILY need invites...i think not!

grin...ok...as soon as I have time off...I'm there!