long story- but i will try to condense it...

my H and i have been married for apx 3 1/2yrs. we have been together for over 5yrs. we have a 3 yr old DD.

my H was in the navy for 10yrs, and recently retired apx 1 yr ago. he was away deployed for most of our marraige.

we have been having difficulties for almost as long as we have been married. my H has been verbally and mentally abusive. he has done and said some realy crappy things to me.

i have suspected him of cheating on me for quite some time. he has never admitted an affair until just recently.

i have started a friendship w/ a male coworker. i have been very honest w/ my H about it including allowing him to read my e-mail. however, nothing satisfies my H's jealousy regarding it. a couple of weeks ago, i told him that i wanted a separation and marriage counselor. i told him at that time that if we were no longer together that i would consider dating my coworker.

he's not very happy about that and has been hounding me about my coworker ever since... making me feel guilty and trying to prompt me into admitting an affair. he's been telling me that he wants an "open and honest" relationship... so i have been reminding him that he needs to be honest with me regarding his actions.

finally, today after guilt tripping me, he admits to having sex with a prostitute during one of his deployments. he contracted an STD at that time. he swears that he has had no other "encounters" since that one time. this was apx 3-4 yrs ago.

i am having a hard time believing him. especially considering that when we met he was married and lied about it. i know- red flag... but i thought that he had proved his trustworthiness by the time that we got married. we did not have an "affair", but that is only because i did not want to have sex with him at the time. (he was deployed in my town on a training mission. i didn't want a casual relationship w/ someone leaving town. i later learned that he was married only after they agreed to separate.

anyway, he wants to work things out and stay together.

i am not too sure that i want to do that. i think that i would like to have my own place, be legally separated, and free to date my coworker. i would still go to marriage counseling with me, if for no other reason than to discuss how we can be good co-parents.

i am not sure how i feel about everything, yet. he claims that a lot of his behavior over the last several years is due to his guilt... however, i think that's just a convenient excuse.

i am more upset over his bad behavior and his lying than his cheating. obviously, he has a long history of lying!

It sounds to me like you're having an emotional affair with this co-worker, and that you're speaking some WS babble about wanting to date your co-worker while in counselling with your H... Doesn't sound right to me.

Have you read about what an emotional affair is?

Cat

i am not having an EA w/ my coworker. i am trying to decide whether or not i should stay with my H. at this point, i think that i want to legally separate. i don't believe that i can trust him.

maybe, i'll consider dating my coworker upon legal separation. i do not believe that is an affair: (1) it hasn't happenned (2) my H and i would no longer be together.

what i need to know is whether or not there is hope that i can have a loving/ supportive relationship with my H.

we have not had a loving/ supportive relationship up to this point PLUS he has had at least one affair on me. i believe that he has had more.

It is possible that you can have a loving/supportive relationship with your husband if both of you are willing to do some hard work.

This is not possible to do the work, however, if you are entertaining thoughts of dating your co-worker while still married to your husband, separated or not. It's like you already have one foot out the door and the other is sure to follow.

~ Snow