OK,thanks to someone raising a couple questions I have asked myself over the years, I need some advice and computer help.

Over the years there have been some things about H that raised questions. Howevr, the few times I asked him any questions, there was always a good excuse and I always chose not to pursue investigating.

1st of all, I think H may be addicted to porn, or at least look at it regularly. About 10-12 years ago I decided to get out wedding dress and try it on. When I opened the box. there was a homemade VHS in the box that wasn't mine. I hadn't put it there. I was curious, popped it in the VCR and voila!-it was porn. I didn't say anything at the time. H has always maintained that he is not interested in porn of any kind, including looking at Playboy, Penthouse, etc. The movie eventually disappeared. I said something at some to H about finding it. I can't remember how long later. I don't even remember H's answer, but I chose to let it go.

About the same timeframe, H ended up at a strip club because of work. H said that he had no choice but to go. His boss and a big customer of the company wanted to go, so he HAD to go. He called me about every hour just so I would know that he wasn't having a good time. I locked him out of the house for the night (he got home around 3am). When the evening started, I was told that they were just going out to dinner and for a few drinks. I just couldn't stand being told that he didn't enjoy it, didn't want to be there and had NO choice.

About 3 or 4 years ago, I woke up in the middle of the night and H was on the computer (he has insomnia and has the TV on 24/7 and gets on the computer freqently). Anyway, he was watching some porn movie.

Another time (forget the timeframe. I don't remember anymore) a porn site kind of took over our computer. H says that he doesn't know where it was from. It must have been one of our boys. We have 4 boys, now 26, 24, 22, 13.

Well, just a couple months ago, an icon appeared on the computer screen. I clicked on it and it was porn. I told H and of course, he doesn't know anything about it and it must have been 13 year old S. I talked to S who of course said it wasn't him. BTW, computer is in mine and H's bedroom so it's not like he has lots of private time to get on amy site unsupervised.

Anyway, things have just been nagging me. I got on history earlier tonight and found couple porn sites and a sight about meeting sex partners in our home town. Now I know that there is no need to confront H at this point, as he will just deny it.

I would like to get spy software on computer. However, H is in the computer business, so how tricky will this be? He's not like Bill Gates or anything but he definitely knows about 1000 times more than I do. Can I get spyware that he won't know anything about? Is it hard to install? Help me.

I also have another question. I have chosen to also let this one go, but if I'm going to have to deal with porn addiction, I may as well include this in it. H has told me since the day we met that he would never have an A. If he did, he would have to come home right away and tell me. Well, I've never been stupid enough to believe that line. Not that it's right to lie, but how many people do any of you know who had an A and immediately went home and told their spouse.

Anyway, all of our married lives, H has come home and told me everytime some woman has "hit" on him. Told me how attractive they were, how they were in a bad relationship or whatever. There was one in particular about 8 years ago. He was working at a store and one of the cashier's came on to him, supposedly very provocatively. He turned her down. Taht was that. Around the same time, I answered the phone one day and a woman asked if H was home. I told her no and asked if I could take a message. She said no and hung up. I told H about it and he had just fired an employee said that it must be this guy's wife must be trying to cause trouble. I dropped it. Well fast forward a couple of years to vacation. H and I were talking and he said told me that he actually had had an A while still married to 1st wife. The marriage was over, etc. Actually,the thing that upset me about this was that he went out of his way before we got married to tellme that he had NEVER done anything like that. Another time, around the same time, he mentioned, as if he had already told me, that when the cashier had hit on him, that same night, she had called him at his motel. It's not unusualfor him to be out of town overnight. But he told me that he had hung up on her and besides she didn't know what his room number was. Well, this is a VERY small town with only ONE very small motel, so that doesn't wash. I confronted him and he got very angry with me for thinking that he would ever do anything like that. How many times had he told me that if he ever had an A he would HAVE to come home and tell me immediately. Well, there was no way Icould prove it so I dropped it.

Well, what does everyone here think? Am I imagining things? And you know,it's not that he may or may not have done it. It's the total self righteous attitude he has that he is so much better than everyone else and would NEVER do anything like that. Do you know what I mean?

Thanks in advance for putting up with the length of my post.

I'm precious

Edited for spelling in subject line. Geez!

Hi IP, I hope one of our computer gurus will weigh in here but I found this keylogger to be very useful in finding out what was going on with the teenagers! I would recommend you go for the full version which is completely hidden because the free version has an icon that appears in the system tray whenever you log onto the computer. You have to set it to hide it in the system tray (easy to do) but it's just too easy to forget and if he is an insomniac, the computer in all likelihood has to be turned on thus revealing the icon.

You get screen shots with the full version so you can view what he is viewing and they can be emailed to you at a different location if you want to view the logs away from home. Maybe someone else has a better product?? It's reasonable at $34.95 and super easy to install and claim to be much easier to use than some of the bigger programs out there. It really is easy, promise.

I'd recommend the free version for anyone with kids because it's not as important to hide the snooping from them as it is when you are trying to figure out what a spouse is doing. You need to know the TRUTH, something like this will help with the computer (at least).

Babygirl, you have SO much going on...knowledge is power and it's time we get you into more of a POWER positon. {{{big hug}}}} KB

Keylogger info

Knewbetter,
Can you buy keylogger in stores? Don't want a package coming to the house.
I'm precioua

You download it directly from the site so no packages involved. It is undetectable according to them, you can even change the file name if he actively looks for spyware. The info is in the link.

I installed CyberSitter on our computer. It blocked whatever I told it to : porn sites, chat rooms, etc and it kept a detailed log of when inappropriate sites were visited. I didn't restrict any sites at first -- just read the log, noting the dates and times until I had enough info to confront H. We started going to counseling and learning how to set up boundaries to aid H in temptation. Things like put computer in our bedroom so he couldn't use it during the insomniac hours of the night, put on a blocker, etc. So I then put in all the places to be blocked by the CyberSitter. It worked well for us.
It is also one that you download from the internet for 30 bucks or so.
Look around I am sure you can find one that will fit what you want to use it for. Good luck, PI.

Take it from someone who is married to an H that is addicted to porn. It's a hard thing to bring up and even harder habit to break (just like any other addiction, I suppose). With that said, do keep in mind that men are visual. Frankly, I don't know of any man who doesn't browse some form of pornography every now and then. But, this is not an excuse, esp. if it is negatively affecting your M. The question is how is it affecting your relationship? If you're truly bothered by it, you should confront him (nicely) and find a compromise that's agreeable to BOTH of you. Note, this is a compromise, not just your saying you want him to stop and not give anything in return. The case may be perhaps you ask him to share it with you or that you create a safe environment that allows him to enjoy some of the fantasies with you. Again, keep in mind that it's a compromise of 2. It may take a while for him to open up, as men (and women) consider this as one of the most private (and embarrassing) aspects of their lives. If you're one of the fortunate ones where your H is willing to open up and even share his thoughts with you, be open-minded and find that balance you both can live with.

Now, the idea of a possible A is a whole other story. I do suggest you do what it takes to validate and/or reassure yourself. While you don't ever want to feel like you're being cheated on or living a lie, for the same token, no one likes to feel like he/she lives under a microscope.

I, for one, will admit that I'm the jealous type. It's a character flaw that I'm working to improve upon, as it could be a real detriment to a relationship. Not knowing you well, I do hope that this is something you've also considered.

I know I sound like I may be wishy-washy, but all of these are sensitive issues and must be examined closely before making a rash move.

Good luck,

W

Trying and knewbetter,
Thanks for the info. I'll have to look at them both and see. H installed "Spysweeper" on computer so who knows.

Whisper,
Thanks for the reply. 1st of all, I'm not the jealous type, except of a piece of property (that's a whole other story). In fact H has always been upset with me that I never get jealous. He says that proves I don't love him...Whatever! The only reason I'm bringing up either one is H's attitude. He's the one who has gone on Ad-nauseum about how he doesn't like porn, not even "Playboy". All of our marriage. He would never do that,etc. The one time he went to the strip club, he called numerous times to tell me how he hated being there. He has gone on and on about it. Well, if he had never said anything I probably wouldn't have ever thought much about it. But he should never have gone out of his way to say how distasteful it is to him. And one of the sites was "Find a sex partner in ******* ", which is our hometown.

I do, however, not buy into the "men are visual creatures, it can't be helped" thing.I'm not saying that I wouldn't allow H to look at porn. Not sure at this point. But we all have control over our actions and I think that includes porn.

I'm precious

I do think it is important for you to know whether he's been standing in the bucket of black paint he has been using to paint YOU with for so long. You can email the Blazing Tool people and see whether the logger can evade SpySweeper in particular.

I would definetly follow up on his computer activities....being on sites that solict sex partners in your hometown is mighty suspicious. One friend of mine secretly keylogged her home computer, found her H on young Asian girl sites which then led her to discover he was frequenting "massage parlors".

The computer is KEY to you finding out what he is really all about, there seems to be at the very least a double standard in honesty and ethics from what you have already discovered. KB

Recently found out about (but think they have been out there for awhile) about a little gizmo that attaches to the keyboard, in between the keyboard and where it connects to the computer, and it copies every key stroke...like a memory card. You can then get to it later, either with a program, or take it to another computer... But I think it only works on PS2 keyboards (not USB or wireless). It's easy to install though, and you can just take it off and pocket it...take it to work and see what keys were logged later...

OK. Gonna spill the beans here. I know a little about surfing for porn. The "find a sex partner in ******" thing can detect where you are, and is an automatic thing that comes up when you go to certain sites. So that is a wild card - might just be targeted advertising. Admitting porn addiction is the most scary, difficult, embarrassing thing a man can do. It will not be done without certain proof. AND a little bit of understanding from the wife. Well - a whole lot. Like was said in another response - men are visual creatures. And what might start as a ten minute quick browse of some pics can mushroom into 3 or 4 hours totally wasted. There are resources on the net (of all places) to get help - but first a man must feel safe telling his wife about a porn addiction.

Can not speak of the A. If the icon is not in the systray, he will likely not notice spyware for over a week - which is enough to gather the evidence you need.

Ask for Divine help in how to deal with it, if you are on speaking terms with Divinity.

And yes, one can be disgusted by porn, talk bad about porn and have a porn addiction.

I heard statistics at a church men's conference that indicated that something like 50% or more of ministers have admitted to looking at internet porn. The statistics are staggering. This is a HUGE problem. Worldwide.

Foundareason,
Thanks for the reply and support. I appreciate it. Yes, I am on speaking terms with divinity. I don't feel like he listens much, but I do keep talking. Maybe I complain too much?
I'm precious

YES - you are precious!

HE/SHE always listens. HIS/HER movements are sometimes very slow and imperceptible. But as time goes on, you can zoom out and look back and see HIS/HER hand affecting your life.
And, many times, what HE/HSE has done is answered your prayers, but not in any way like you expected HIM/HER to do it. Sometimes totally different, or even backwards from how you thought HE would or how you asked HIM/HER to.

HE/SHE wishes for us to bring our complaints to HIM/HER. HE/SHE cherishes them. HE/SHE is the only one who will not tire of our cries, complaints, fears. Our JOY!

Think of the Creator as more than HE, more than HER. HE/SHE is so much more than female or male, and embodies both.

YES, YOU ARE PRECIOUS!!!!!!!!