WH moved back home. 30 minutes after bringing back his personal effects he was out the door to golf and work.
I didn't say a thing and proceeded to mow the lawn and do 4 loads of laundry. This am he was off to the gym while I got the DD's ready and off to school.

I have decided not to say a word to him about where he goes and what he does. When I do he throws out the big "control" word. I am not going to let him use that one on me. I will sit back and watch and see if he will make any effort. If not then I guess I will tell him that we need to proceed with a civil D and get on with our lives.

Up until now he has done nothing or said anything that would make me believe that he wants this to work. My intent of getting him to come home was that I believed he might see the changes I have made, and then perhaps he would see that I'm not blowin smoke. However...I will not have him in my home as a "renter".

Thurs will be interesting since it is the day that he "hangs out" at the watering hole that OW frequents.

jcmH,

What conditions were in place when he returned home? What plan do you and he have in place to work toward recovery?

It sounds like you are still floundering around.

Your intent was to get him to see the changes that you have made...yet, at the same time you are 'testing' him with his actions...or lack thereof.

You are going to need a course of action that you BOTH can work on or it's going to be chaos once again.

committed

I agree but I am almost afraid to bring it up.
We started counseling with a new counselor and I am anxious to have him help us come up with a plan.

My WH knows that I expect NC, but I am not sure that is inplace. I know that my WH wants me to control my temper and allow him to have his "freedom". I don't think I am "testing" him, more the other way around. I haven't put a lot of expectations on him, because when I do he will do the opposite just to spite me. He wants to do things because HE WANTS to do them, not because I ask them of him. I guess I am feeling that if I have no expectations he might pleasantly surprise me.....or NOT.

Soem of the books I have read mention the problem that some people get married and set unreal expectaions on their spouse. I do not think any of the things I am asking for are unrealistic. He knows what he needs to do, I do not nor should I have to tell him these things. If he doesn't want to do them then I guess I have the answer as to what type of person he has become and then I GET TO DECIDE if I want to live like that or not.

IMHO, he isn't ready or worthy t/b home.....yet.

Don't let him use control as an excuse. Let him know proper control is a requirement to living in a safe, healthy and happy home. Stay away from the word 'love' at least for now.

L.

Homer --
Please reconsider your position on this.

I had so many unmet needs with my H. I said the SAME exact thing you just said "if I have to ASK, then it means he doesn't WANT to meet my needs"

I let my EN go unmet for such a long time, and felt so unloved and unimportant to my H, that I was so incredibly vulnerable to the first person that paid attention to me. Result: Affair.

Please address these issues. Be pro-active and make decisions, don't just flounder along. If he isn't enthusiastic about making you happy -- deal with it.

Good luck.

Lexxy....funny I have been going without my EN's being met for sooooo long, but never have I ever thought about an affair.
I would file for a D before I ever betrayed that someone I made a vow too.

But letting it go on this long has made me into a shell of my former self. I have pretty much decided that I just need time to allow myself to fall out of love with someone who has no feelings for me. I am allowing him to move back in with just those expectations. I will fall out of love with him, and then he and I can do the D and be done with it. Yes I am sure the 2x4's will fly, because this of course is the MB site, and if I am not pro marriage and wanting to save my M why am I here? I have been trying to save my M for 8 months....now I feel like I need to give up and get on with something healthier.

Then he should not have returned back home.




Do you have anger issues? If so, are you in counseling for them?

His freedom...like being free to have affairs?

I don't think it is unrealistic to expect a spouse to stay faithful to you. That is not an unrealistic expectation in my book. You have the right to expect that.

If he "knows" what he needs to do...then you have told him. You cannot be sure that he is doing those things though, like NC.

So, you are right that it is YOUR decision to make as to whether you choose to live like that.

Good Luck in your quest.

committed

Outrageous!

So what color is your doormat sign on your forehead!

Wayward spouses who come home laying down the law are there to screw their betrayed spouses out of reasonable divorce settlements. He knows he has more leverage on assets living at home - and that sounds like the only reason he's home.

Clear as glass on this one? You're being used!

Now the padded side of the 2x4. ((((JCMH)))) I wish you knew that you were precious enough and just "enough" that you didn't need a man around to validate your worth. When you let trash like this wipe his feet on you, I can tell you don't know you deserve any better.

Please start studying on your own true worth. Only when you know you deserve better will you require it of him and everyone else around you.

Homer,

Do you remember that song from Cindy Lauper "Girls just want to have fun?" Just replace girls with WH's first name.

He's treating you like a babysitter and a housekeeper, not a partner. It doesn't sound like he is around enough to notice changes in you and no, a cleaner house and well tended children are not changes in you.

Get a life, woman! Get a babysitter for Thrusday and show up at that watering hole with a couple of friends looking absolutely stunning. Better yet, get him to babysit. what happened to "Homer just wants to have fun!"? Plan some fun stuff both with the kids and without them. Invite friends. Invite WH, if he want to partake great, if not, the party goes on.

When I first asked WH to move out, I told him he was welcome back once he established no contact. Now after talking to SH, I realize that won't be enough. We need to negotiate a plan for recovery. I've now added the Policy of Joint Agreement as something I want us both to commit to. That sounds like a good way to avoid control issues

Homer, he just needed a new flop house from which to carry on his affair. Now you get to watch his affair up front and close. By "control" he means "dont' expect me to quit my affair for you."

Homer, you are wasting valuable time that could be better used in Plan B. You know darn good and well he hasn't ended his affair. And why would he? He knows he can have TWO women and you won't stop him.

I do know that I have that doormat stamp all over me and I am trying each day to rub it out. I have continued to go out with friends and do fun things with my kids. I have actually had him babysit while I've gone out.

I struggle each day not knowing if I am giving too much of myself away or if this man I once loved is emotionally unwell and needs me to be there for him. Yes I am a Ennegram (SP?) type 2. The helper I think. He is a Type 8. disaster waiting to happen.

I told him this am that I deserved to be wanted and loved, to be treated with respect and that if he couldn't give that to me I deserved to be with someone who could...He thinks he is doing me a favor by telling me that he still doesn't know whether he wants to be married to me or not. He thinks by letting me now this, he is not leading me on. He keeps saying "I'm sorry I am not on the same timeline that you are".

I am exhausted in every way. I have been empty for 8 months going on 3 years. Just when I think I am ready to move on and tell him that I think we should divorce, I chicken out.
In every other aspect of my life I am a strong, confident, independent woman. I can not understand what this is that keeps me from running like hell. I do know that if he would have actually filed papers 3 months ago instead of dilly dallying around...it would be done and I would be OK.

I keep holding out for that dream of a happy family, doing fun things together as we have in the past. Being the "perfect" family that everyone thinks we are. This man is not the son of his parents...he has become someone else and he implies that I have kept him from being what/who he wants to be.

Sweetie - Read your signature line. You are now getting dragged.

Tell him that your timeline just changed and that it is time for him to LEAVE.

committed

One of the things that SH told me during my IC was that WH needed to "earn" his way home. Has your H earned his way home? Has he had NC? Has he been open and truthful? Has he rejoined the family?

As far as I can see, with my limited vision, the answer is a resounding NO. Take his crap and put it out on the lawn. Get that man out of your life.

Hi Homer...

As I read your post, I think "you are a lot like me!"

But some things stand out in your last post......"this man I once loved", and "I've been empty for eight months"....

Yes, he needs you, he needs to USE you!!!!!

Grapegirl said "take his crap and put it out on the lawn".

My signature line says "if you're going to act like a turd, go lay in the yard".

IMVHO.....take a real look at how YOU feel. Act upon that....sounds to me like you really are on empty, and your WH is just dragging your lifeless body around behind him.

I didn't listen to the advice I got here, and, well, my results with my WH are less than I thought they would be. He does NOTHING to ensure that I feel safe. Even tho he assures me there is NC.

I say from my own experience, GET UP!!!! TAKE YOUR STAND!!! HE DOESN'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO CONTINUE TO KILL YOU BY BITS AND PIECES!!!!

And I say this with all the love in my heart.....you are a wonderful human, with worth and value, and do not deserve to take crap (it's not even crumbs....it's CRAP!!) from this man.

(((((((((((HOMER)))))))))))))

K

I get it, I get it...I really do get it.
I am getting closer...getting the strength and courage.
I really think I am afraid of losing the familiar.

Last night he hadn't come home by the time I put our youngest to bed. She wanted to say goodnight to him.
I called the cell...no answer. 1/2 hour later I called again. He answered and I said I was just checking to see when he thought he would be home. Of course that got him angry. When he came home he barely said two words to me, planted himself on the King bed as close to the edge as he could and watched some TV. Then he left the room and went downstairs for an hour or so. I went to bed.

This a.m. again he hardly says two words. I told him I was going golfing . My very first time after lessons....Yippee.
He didn't say a word. (He met OW golfing) Now I at his business working for him...and he hasn't come into my office yet. (40 min after I arrived). This man really is an [censored] isn't he?

I am going out with friends tonight and I have asked him to taxi DD to her rehearsal. He didn't like that because this is his night to drink beer and "run" into OW. I am sure he will squeeze it in somehow. He packed a bag with "after work" clothes. He did tell me yesterday that he had not seen or been in contact with OW since the last time I found out about it. (seen March...contacted May) He said he didn't want to become one of those people who lie and sleep around with other people. I am starting to believe that he really truely hates me. Pity

Homer, he doesn't hate you.

The person he hates the most right now is himself!

tqt...no I really honestly believe that he hates me.
He treats me like crap and has no compassion.
Everything I do, everything I say...he finds fault with.
He does hate me because it is the only thing he can do in order to justify what he is doing.
No one treats another human being the way he treats me unless they have some feeling of loathing.

Question still remains...why the hell do I want to work things out. I have some issues that I do not know how to address.

Then why in the heck is he back in your house, living with you and your kids?!?!?!

I don't know you. Don't know your whole situation. But just look at your quote and my response above in that same outsider light that I'm seeing it in, and THEN decide what you really should be doing here.

Owl...I know it sounds ludicrous. In my mind I am thinking that if he comes home and the light turns on, that his marriage and life is really not as horrible as he tells himself that it is. He will realize he can be happy if he only allows himself to be. That I am not the screaming [censored] of a wife he seems to believe I am.

But I also have come to realize that this may never happen, and that this is my last hope, my last chance, my last effort. And after a few more days/weeks of this I will close the door on this chapter of my life and never look back. I can't continue living like this, but I couldn't live with myself knowing that I didn't give it everything I had. But this time he WILL get a place "condusive" to having DD's stay there, he WILL get a place that he can take the dog (love her but don't want the hassle), i WILL get an attorney whether he likes it or not, he WILL take the DD's on a regular basis, I WILL stop working for him. All in one fell swoop....And I WILL be OK.