Mahham, I have no encouraging words for you because you have chosen defeat. There is nothing encouraging about defeat. I will not encourage you on that path and anyone who does is irresponsible. We have tried to support you and you have rejected our support.

What you want are only answers that require you to do NOTHING. You want results but aren't willing to do any of the things that bring results. You want magic and we can't give you magic.

You are sitting here with powerful weapons at your disposal but are losing the war against unarmed opponents because you refuse to defend yourself. Instead you help them destroy you. Why won't you defend yourself?

If you aren't willing to do the hard stuff, then you don't have what it takes to save your marriage. If you aren't willing to lift a finger to help yourself, I am not willing to waste my time here, because your situation is hopeless. You will get out of this what you put into it and if you continue to put in a no-assed effort, you will get exactly that in return.

Mahham,

Mel is tired. Let me give it a shot.

1. go get the following books and read them: Surviving an Affair, His Needs/Her Needs and Love must be tough. The 1st 2 are by Dr W. Harley and the 3rd one is by Dr James Dobson.

2. Call Steve H @ MB for some immediate phone counseling.

3. Take the EN questionnaire located in the concepts section above. Do it twice. Once as yourself and once as your H. Not in his WS character but in his H character.

4. Plans A and B are not for the faint hearted. Exposure is crucial to recovery. Personal recovery is 1st. Marital recovery comes only when your H sheds his WS skin. Plan B beocomes necessary when the BS has made sufficient changes and when those changes are used by the WS to enable the A.

5. Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

Your test is now. The WS' road to recovery is much harder. Don't do all for him. Don't tell him you love him. Learn to reverse babble. The more he wonders about you and the family (because you are not filling his ENs), the less he w/b dwelling on the OW. OWs don't like attention being given to any family member. Remember the A is a selfish disease. Kill it with kindness but don't allow him to manipulate in enabling the A. Fine line and you need to know the difference. Reading those books and getting into sound counseling will help. If you can't call Steve @ MB, then get a counselor familar with MB principals.

Ok, my fingers are tired cuz I just got home from work and have to attend a family dinner function.

Let us know how you are doing.

take care,
L.

Thanks everyone for your support. I have not been on the forum for awhile. We took our family vacation in July. While on vacation I did expose the A to OW's family. It was hard decision, but it worked. They couldn't believe their sweet child could do something like that. My WS was only mad for several hours. He later found me in the club and tried to talk to me. I refused to talk to him. WS was jealous that someone else was trying to talk to me in the club. Later that night, WS said he did not won't to leave the R and then had a wonderful evening(SF). The problem is that OW is trying to cause trouble.She put out a restraining order on me. I don't know on what grounds. WS is still having contact. How do I fight that? Any legal suggestions? Now WS is saying he doesn't know what he wants again. I am tired of the roller coaster. I think after vacation would be a good time to go to plan B.


mahhm

I am in your same boat, seems no fighting the restraining order. Time for Plan B?

mahhm, who exactly did you expose TO? Did you expose also to your WS' family? They need to know so they can make a decision about them working together.

I expose the A WS's family and OW family. Ow and WS dont work together. OW is trying to get assigned to WS job. The OW told WS she doesnt want to see him anymore. So for the last couple of days on vacation there was no contact. When we return home WS has been very mean. WSsaid I got what I wanted. I won. WS is still staying there is no way to work on our R. So, I guess I am not in recovery. What the hell am I in? Is WS going through withdrawal and how do I deal with WS nasty attitude. Please give me some suggestions!

mahhm

mahham, did exposure end the affair? How did the OW end up leaving her job? What happened?

And yes, he is in withdrawal. He will be a BEAR for several weeks, so just ride it out. Do your best to not allow him to bait you into fights. Do not lovebust him, just do your best to be pleasant and meet his needs if you can.

Good job! I am proud of ya!

You all were right about exposure. The exposure did end the A. Does it matter who ended the A. The OW said she had enough of all of the drama. So, does it mean it will take WS longer to recover from withdrawal. The OW did not leave her job. She might be getting a promotion which might have OW working with WS. I did not expose the A on OW job. I not sure if I need to.

mahhm

mahhm, I thought you told me that they both worked for his parents?

Mahhm, ok, my memory is now refreshed. They work for the P.O. In that case, I would call his boss and hers and let them know about the affair. Ask them what they can they do to help and ask if it will be necessary to call Human Resources.

No, The ow and ws used to work together. OW moved to another office. OW is now trying to get promoted which might mean working WS.

mahhm

Gotcha, please read my last post. Exposure will be necessary at work to try and prevent them from working together. You don't even want to have to deal with that nightmare!

I will expose the A on the job tomorrow. I am a little tired from vacation and WS attitude towards me. Some days I don't know if I am doing the right thing. I know WS is in withdrawal. What are some of the strange things I should look for. Last night he played sad music all night and looked into space. I didn't say too much him. I tried to give him space. WS keeps telling me he is only here because OW called it quits. Is this still fog talk? How will I know when the withdrawal stage is over? It seems as if my peace of mind will never come.

mahhm, it will take several weeks. And yes, it is the fog talking. Just do the best Plan A you can and he will wake up. I know its hard, but just hang in there.

I don't think I can do this! WS is being really hurtful. I just want to put him out. Maybe he will decide to come back on his own. It really hurts to hear all of things he is saying to me about our marriage. I am a teacher, school starts in a few weeks. I have to get my act together. I cant go back to school on an emotional rollercoaster. I feel like I am losing the love I have for my husband. It has only been three days of NC and it is horrible. I keep wondering if I just put him out.

mahhm

mahhm, I know it is hard but try and look at it like this. Your H is an alcoholic and he has just lost the BEST FRIEND he ever had: alcohol. If you can understand how an alcoholic would feel, then you can better understand how your H feels right now. Affairs have an addictive, fantasy quality about them and you have just ruined his fantasy. He is going through withdrawal pains right now. He doesn't mean what he is saying right now, so try not to take it so personally. He is still under the influence and is fighting withdrawal.

DO not put him out. Just be as pleasant as possible and do not expect anything frm him right now. If you kill him with kindness and don't react to him, it will blow over faster.

Just keep coming back here and venting to us, ok?

Thanks! Mel I going to try and remember not to take it personally. It has been a long day, I have to go put on my happy face for WS. He will be home shortly.

mahhm