We hear comments just like this from wayward spouses ALL THE TIME, 2ndbest.

[b]This is exactly what my wife said on D-Day.

What a load of CRAP.

How about talking to the people on this site who know 100x more than this OM. That includes me too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

that is what I mean- I heard that from my husband numorous times. I guess I do not see what I am doing as cheating- as it is just a conversation with this man. However I do look forward to talking to him, we do e-mail back and forth all week while at work. We talk on the phone at night once kids are asleep. I know the pain an affair brings. I also know what kind of pain affairs bring on to your spouse. I do not want to bring that pain on to my husband. Someone asked me if I thought that my H's affair started as a EA, and I guess it rather did, we would all hang out together, then over time they chose to go out without me while I stayed home with the kids- but then I thought it was okay because he would come home and immediately look for me, little did I know I was fixing his needs brought on by her, That hurt. what am I doing, and how did it get this way??

Cake Eater? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Send him an email that it is over, NC. Then change your email address.

Tell him NOT to call under circumstances.

You also need to tell your husband what is happening, otherwise you are no better than any WS.

cake eater? OUCH!! That hurts.

is there no such thing as men and women who can be friends?

I can not tell my HG it would break his heart, it would anger him, it would put me in danger. Would it be okay since nothing has happened, and I have not shared the information, to just go NC and not tell my H?

WAKE UP!!! If you really want to save your marriage, listen to the people here WE KNOW!!!! We've pretty much all been through it in one way or the other.

You can just talk to him "a little bit" either. It just doesn't work that way.

Good luck sweetie, really.

OCSW

danger? My H has a temper, and little things set him off, this would be over the edge.

I guess I can see that, however I can talk with men and not want to have sex with them.

I am not in denial- okay maybe a little. However we are friends- but I guess there is a risk for more, so you might be right.

Yeah the trust is not there since his affiar, he is very sneaky and shelters what he does and who he talks too- but I guess I have been doing the same. Time to stop.

I just noticed that he has all my history saved on the computer so he knows anything and everything that I look up and what I type. Do not know how to get rid of it so now he will now anyway.

Yes there is a HUGE risk for more! I know because I had felt exactly how you do right now with talking to this man. I talked to a man one on one online about my M and an A I was trying to end. I NEVER thought in a million years that I would end up having an EA with this man, but it happened. This man was my friend also and "helped me" as well, but then we developed "feelings" as well and didn't stop until his W found my emails. You are already having feelings for this man. Stopping is a must before things progress further.

This is gonna sound pretty black and white and I know it isn't to you but IMHO your two choices are :

1. Have NC with this guy and focus 100% on your marriage.
2. Get a Divorce (you probably should still end things with this guy so you can "find yourself" first before getting involved with someone else)

Any other choice just leaves you and you H in limbo and prolongs the inevitable.

Your walking a very fine line that is very dangerous. Protect your self-respect and do the right thing.

Cheers,

Miker

PS. Contrary to some others I do think you can have friendships with the opposite sex without having an A. But it sounds like yours crossed the line when parties admitted to having "feelings" for the other. It may be honesty but that is an obvious step towards something more than friendship IMHO.

I am just not sure if things will progress, you see this guy posts here as well. We both know what is at stake.

Thank you for sharing your story however you are right about not thinking it would progress, I never thought I would have feelings for this man. I do not know if it is because he listens and knows what I am going through, or because I am lonely and like the attention, or if perhaps I am as bad as my H once was

2ndBest, first of all you are NOT 2nd best. I understand what you're getting out of this online relationship, and I know that nothing has *happened*.....doesn't matter, as you've read in other people's posts.

Most affairs start out as EA's, yours just hasn't progressed that far, and with your needs being unmet for so long, you're ripe for the pickin'. I know that you don't see anything wrong with what you're doing, but think of it this way.......is what you are doing something you could do right in front of your husband? If not.....it's cheating.

Personally, I think the emotional portion of my husband's affair is the hardest for me......the intimate things they talked about, the places they went together.....etc.

I have been back with my husband for 2 months now, and I still think things like....he listens to an unfamiliar CD, I think.....I'll bet he listened to that with her, we get McDonalds -- I think "I'll bet he ate a Big Mac with her"...it tears me up.

I don't know how concerned I'd be about *breaking* your H's heart......he doesn't care if he's breaking your heart, he's talking to OW on the phone....screw that. It may wake him up to know that there is a real danger that you will stray if things don't start going in the right direction very soon.

Just my opinion,

-Caren

P.S.-When you said it would *put you in danger* to tell your husband, are you suggesting he'd hit you?

Caren- i have been following your story, I am so glad that things are going better for you. I can totally relate, when my H tells me he likes a resturant he before would not go near, I wonder if SHE brought him there. When my H talks about anything, or when his phone rings I wonder. THere are so many things that brings painful memories back for me, it is so hard. Like when he tells me he likes a movie that i have never seen, I know he saw it with her, and I can not handle it. I do not think that my H cares that it bothers me that he talks to other women, he tells me to stay out of his business and I would not know. Which is true, but still. I honestly think I would rather have not known about his A, as it ripped me apart so badly. I would rather not know now what I did not know then. There are lots of things I can not tell my husband as he would freak out, and never let me live it down.

is there no such thing as men and women who can be friends?
If either one is married, then almost always, no. At least not to the degree you are with this guy.

Our marriage I thought was good before.

i miss everything about our former life.
Really? Even the affair and him being gone?
Also, he had an affair for reasons. DO you want to go back to what you had, including all those reasons?

I just want someone to talk to, that is all I am doing with this male- talk. he tells me his frustrations about his up and coming divorce and I share some of my concerns. I
There-in lies the problem.
You two have a "connection" because of this and you sympathize with each other. This is very dangerous (affair wise) territory.

I'd bet 75%+ of all affairs start with "friends" who had no thoughts or intentions of an "affair".
But they got too close and sharing things they would not tell their spouse that they were sharing with someone outside the marriage.

point well taken. Our marriage was not great I suppose you are right I am deludeing myself into thinking otherwise- however before the affair I felt special, I felt desired, I felt like I was the sun the moon and the stars to this man, now I feel like I am the matt beneith his feet. I am lonely and feel like I am more like his roommate, babysitter and maid then I am his wife. I have tried telling him these things and he just blows me off or gets angry. Nothing I do is right or good enough. Time with me is not what he wants, he finds any excuse that he can to go out with out me, then he will spend a few hours with me and that is suppose to make up for it and I am suppose to shut up and not complain. He will tell me he loves me IF I ask, but it never comes willingly. He does show me signs that he loves me still, but it is not the same. I want the man who could not get enough of me, or at least the man who kissed me with out having to be asked, or when asked didn't ask why.

Are you saying that because he had an affair that was some how my fault? I take my share of the responsibility for not noticing his needs were not completely met, however I was trying he just was not communicateing. If I hear from one more person that his A was my fault I just might scream.

No, the affair was not your fault but something was wrong for him to have an affair.
Whether it was unmet needs, he's messed up in the head or whatever, that's up to you two to figure out.

Have you read, "Surviving An Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs"?

yes I read both HNHN before the affair, and again during, and SAA once I found out about my H's affair. Can not get H to read more then the chapter about SF

2nd-

I understand what you're going through, my husband was acting a lot like yours (without the speaking to OW on the phone thing, I'm afraid he'd have to be rushed to the hospital for a phone-ectomy if he was doing that). I honestly don't know if they know what selfish A-hole's they're being....I know my FWH didn't get it, he's starting to get it. What I didn't realize is I was still running around acting like a victim, and I also was not communicating at ALL, I was just rolling with the punches until the good people here pointed it out to me.

I have been making a concerted effort to be more proactive. Sunday he told me that he wanted to take his hot rod to this shopping center that all the hot rodders go to, I said "That's fine".....and I started to stew about it, and think about driving by to make sure he was really there....etc, then I thought, no...I really don't think so, I'm taking the kids to the drive-in. So I called him at work and said "Hey, you wanna go to the drive in tonight?" He said "No Caren, I told you I'm going out" I said "Okee Dokee, I'll see you when you get home." When he came home I had dinner ready and we ate, the kids were running around all happy to be going to the drive in, and I flat refused to ask him again. Pretty soon he said "Well we should probably clean the windows and get the stuff out of the trunk so we can put the lawn chairs in" I said "Okay and went out to the car and helped him" Then we went back up on the porch and I said "The movie starts at 9:10, what time do you think I should leave?" He said "I'm gonna go with you." I said "Oh, okay"

I also think I was reverting back to my old ways of thinking my H is a mind reader.....just like I expected him to just *know* how I felt about him (Pre-A)....I was expecting him to just *know* what I needed from him now, you'd think it would be obvious, but it's not, I honestly don't think he knew and I was so busy trying to tip toe around everything, so I didn't upset him.

For the last several days I decided it's time to trust a little bit, to open myself up, to tell him how I feel....and I've been pleasantly surprised.

We actually had a short talk today, I told him that it hurts my feelings that he doesn't tell me he loves me anymore. I said "Do you love me?" He said "Yes" I said "Why don't you tell me anymore?" He said "I guess I figured you should just know" I said "Well, I do know that you love me, but sometimes I just need to hear it" I said "Do you think you can do that?" He said "Yeah, I can do that" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

For what it's worth,

-Caren

thanks, I have tried that, but maybe it is worth trying again. The last time I asked him why he never said it, he just answered with "why?" I said because it is improtant to me, again "why", I said because I need to hear it sometimes, again "why" when I tell him that I love him he goes "ah-huh" if he responds at all. It hurts my feelings so very very much.

I understand 2nd, I was getting that initially too, when I'd say "Goodnight, I love you" he'd say "Night", I finally decided to stop telling him I loved him, it was a kick in the teeth everytime I got that response....so I backed way off and didn't tell him I loved him either. I waited until he was in a decent mood, and then I approached the subject....I made sure I wasn't sounding all hurt or anything, I kept it light.

I think you should be voicing your opinion about things such as him talking to OW on the phone, but make sure it's not all confrontational, and make sure you're not saying things like "When you talk to OW, you make me feel ______" because he's not *Making* you feel anything, how you feel is up to you.

And I know that you don't wanna give up your online friend, but I'm afraid that you're gonna have to, and weirdly enough you're probably gonna go through withdrawl too....so keep posting here and we'll get cha through it.

-Caren