I am new. I am still trying to figure out how my life got so out of control and where I go from here. My husband and I have been married for 17 years. There have been ups and down but for the most part a great marriage and friendship. We have both put ourselves through college and have great jobs. WE are very blessed with three wonderful girls.

Three months agao I caught my husband in a huge lie. He told me he was going to be on a business trip in NYC but ended up going to see his brother so they could use drugs and get high together. (He missed our twins birthday so he coudl do this). This was the first time I knew about my husbands drug problem. I knew he did drugs before we were married but did not know the problem was ongoing. It ended up that he has been using are whole married life. Really good at hiding it because no in his life except his brother knew about it. Anyways to make a long story short he ended up in rehab where the second week there he began a sexual affair with a woman who was at the rehab. I had no idea what was going on and could not figure out why he treated me so bad on the phone when he called. I went up for a family counseling weekend and really thought things were going well. I had no idea of the affair. He even introduced me to this woman, but did not introduce her has his lover. A week later he comes home and two days later I discover a text message on his cell phone that was sent to her. It was detailed and there was no question about what was going on. When questioned he lied but ended up telling me that he had a one night stand with this W. We start marriage counseling and he promiesed me, the counselor , and even a religous leader that it was only a one time thing and he was not in contact anymore with this W. (He called her in front of me to break it off). Well this week I found out that he has been talking to her on the phone several times a day and that instead of a one time affair it was very involved and he even left the rehab early with this woman so they could spend the weekend together in a hotel before they went home (She is married and her husband found out and left her and took their son with him). At first he did not want to end contact with her again because he said he would miss her and he had a lot of feelings for her. A few days ago he called her again (in front of me) and broke it off for the second time. I am so unsure though because all he does is lie. He does not show any remorse for what he has done. A lot of time he makes me feel like I am the one to blame. He says he wants to be married but his action say another thing. He has turned my life and my girls life upside down. I had him move out and the girls are really struggling. This all happen so fast and with no warning and we don't know how to pick up the pieces. I am sorry this is so long but I am so confused and don't know what to do. I love my h and want our marriage, I just don't know if I can get it back. I have never been so tired and hurt in my whole life. I did not know anything could hurt so bad.

In my opinion, I would suggest separating for a time being...until your husband can start being honest with you. There is definitely alot of pain your feeling. You cant pick up the pieces of your life and move on with a husband who is causing major turmoil in you and your kids life. The reality is that your husbands true colors have come to surface. Its time he deal with his skeletons in his closet. I know that there are always new beginning and second changes in marriages. You can pick up the pieces of your marriage and rebuild, BUT its going to take honesty and commitment and faithfullness from your husband.
When a spouse is unfaithfull, has an affair, it really does shatter a marriage and family. Its a slow process of rebuilding a strong marriage back. His actions will speak louder than words. In time you may feel you can start trusting your husband again. Then again you may take him back and always have lingering doubts about whether or not you can really trust him. Your letter is definely a cry for help and hopefully you'll get more advice and direction on this forum. Hang in there.....Violet

If it's a drug thing its a drug thing, seems he's attached to the other woman because of thier common addictions. She's ruinned her marriage and he seems to have a choice you or her! Make him decide he has only an addiction in common with her, with you he has his life of 17 years, men hate giving away what they've worked hard for and will work twice as hard to keep it, make him want you! Step back and wait take care of your children promise them your there for them be strong for yourself! Don't make any promises to them let him he is the one messing up not you your as innocent as your children in this. Don't compete with this other woman you don't need to! He'll realise this very quickly. She hasn't half of what you do to offer him.
Cheers,
Toaste

Hey, I think Toaste has put it very well....think about it...

I just wanted to let you guys know what is going on with my husband. He joined an out patient rehab and things seem to be going well. For the first time since Feb. I am starting to see some positive change in him. I know I can't get my hopes up but it is encouraging. He has been clean for a week and has started to open up to me about his behavior. He called the other night and told me how sorry he was for everything he has done. He wrote out a contract and signed it and gave it to me. In the contract he stated that he would have not contact with the ow and that he would not have any other inappropriate contact with any other woman in the future. He said he would not use drugs and talked about a plan in he relapsed. He promised to be honest in all his dealings and said he knew his words held no value and that he had to prove himself through his actions. I know this is just the beginning of a long road but it is a start. Thanks for all your postings. They have really helped.
Conneen