I am new. I am still trying to figure out how my life got so out of control and where I go from here. My husband and I have been married for 17 years. There have been ups and down but for the most part a great marriage and friendship. We have both put ourselves through college and have great jobs. WE are very blessed with three wonderful girls.

Three months agao I caught my husband in a huge lie. He told me he was going to be on a business trip in NYC but ended up going to see his brother so they could use drugs and get high together. (He missed our twins birthday so he coudl do this). This was the first time I knew about my husbands drug problem. I knew he did drugs before we were married but did not know the problem was ongoing. It ended up that he has been using are whole married life. Really good at hiding it because no in his life except his brother knew about it. Anyways to make a long story short he ended up in rehab where the second week there he began a sexual affair with a woman who was at the rehab. I had no idea what was going on and could not figure out why he treated me so bad on the phone when he called. I went up for a family counseling weekend and really thought things were going well. I had no idea of the affair. He even introduced me to this woman, but did not introduce her has his lover. A week later he comes home and two days later I discover a text message on his cell phone that was sent to her. It was detailed and there was no question about what was going on. When questioned he lied but ended up telling me that he had a one night stand with this W. We start marriage counseling and he promiesed me, the counselor , and even a religous leader that it was only a one time thing and he was not in contact anymore with this W. (He called her in front of me to break it off). Well this week I found out that he has been talking to her on the phone several times a day and that instead of a one time affair it was very involved and he even left the rehab early with this woman so they could spend the weekend together in a hotel before they went home (She is married and her husband found out and left her and took their son with him). At first he did not want to end contact with her again because he said he would miss her and he had a lot of feelings for her. A few days ago he called her again (in front of me) and broke it off for the second time. I am so unsure though because all he does is lie. He does not show any remorse for what he has done. A lot of time he makes me feel like I am the one to blame. He says he wants to be married but his action say another thing. He has turned my life and my girls life upside down. I had him move out and the girls are really struggling. This all happen so fast and with no warning and we don't know how to pick up the pieces. I am sorry this is so long but I am so confused and don't know what to do. I love my h and want our marriage, I just don't know if I can get it back. I have never been so tired and hurt in my whole life. I did not know anything could hurt so bad.

Dear Conneen,

Sorry about your difficulties.

It is a risk of rehab, that a husband will sometimes falkl in love with a particpant.

You say you want to move, out, but you seem to be hesitating.

Basically, ther is Plan A and Plan B. Plan A you try towork things out. Blan B, you ask H to work things out, and come back when he can convince yo he is ready.

What is your husband's needs for Sexual Fulfillment? One difficulty with an affair, is that the Husband feels he is getting inadequate sex for his wife, then he has an affair, and the wife is even more reluctant to accomodate SF.

Marriage therapy, with one spouse a devious liar, is challenging.

Have you checked out Alanon? Do you have a good support network to maintain your own sanity?

What would you like H to do? No contact with OW seems to be challenging for H. Is there some compromise possible? If OW is providing support for stopping drugs, how can that be channelled? It seems it would be nice if OW could get her Husband back. What other suport structure can H develop, so when he feels the urge to call OW, he can call someone else?

How is the drug taking going now? What does his brother say? What othe indicators do youhave of drug use, that you can use as feedback? Is H willing to give you daily urine samples for random testing?

I don't really give much advice, just raise questions.

Blessings

Dear Conneen,

My heart goes out to you. I've never had your problem but as an outsider, a bystander, who is getting just one side of the story ... I'd say unless you seek good, adequate couples counseling, your days as a married lady - to THIS particular man - are numbered. It would appear that he's lied to you so often and so WELL, that he's blurring the lines of truth for not only you but himself, as well.

And I'm not even COUNTING the HUGE lie he's lived up to now! That being, of course, his ongoing drug use. For 17 years? Raising a family, being a good spouse and friend to you? What complete and total DECEIT! Surely you deserve better treatment that THIS!

Good luck, Conneen - there are no easy answers ... but if you believe in God or some form of higher power, I'd definitely get in touch. It might not solve your problems but eventually it will give you some semblance of peace.

Blessings -