I am new. I am still trying to figure out how my life got so out of control and where I go from here. My husband and I have been married for 17 years. There have been ups and down but for the most part a great marriage and friendship. We have both put ourselves through college and have great jobs. WE are very blessed with three wonderful girls.

Three months agao I caught my husband in a huge lie. He told me he was going to be on a business trip in NYC but ended up going to see his brother so they could use drugs and get high together. (He missed our twins birthday so he coudl do this). This was the first time I knew about my husbands drug problem. I knew he did drugs before we were married but did not know the problem was ongoing. It ended up that he has been using are whole married life. Really good at hiding it because no in his life except his brother knew about it. Anyways to make a long story short he ended up in rehab where the second week there he began a sexual affair with a woman who was at the rehab. I had no idea what was going on and could not figure out why he treated me so bad on the phone when he called. I went up for a family counseling weekend and really thought things were going well. I had no idea of the affair. He even introduced me to this woman, but did not introduce her has his lover. A week later he comes home and two days later I discover a text message on his cell phone that was sent to her. It was detailed and there was no question about what was going on. When questioned he lied but ended up telling me that he had a one night stand with this W. We start marriage counseling and he promiesed me, the counselor , and even a religous leader that it was only a one time thing and he was not in contact anymore with this W. (He called her in front of me to break it off). Well this week I found out that he has been talking to her on the phone several times a day and that instead of a one time affair it was very involved and he even left the rehab early with this woman so they could spend the weekend together in a hotel before they went home (She is married and her husband found out and left her and took their son with him). At first he did not want to end contact with her again because he said he would miss her and he had a lot of feelings for her. A few days ago he called her again (in front of me) and broke it off for the second time. I am so unsure though because all he does is lie. He does not show any remorse for what he has done. A lot of time he makes me feel like I am the one to blame. He says he wants to be married but his action say another thing. He has turned my life and my girls life upside down. I had him move out and the girls are really struggling. This all happen so fast and with no warning and we don't know how to pick up the pieces. I am sorry this is so long but I am so confused and don't know what to do. I love my h and want our marriage, I just don't know if I can get it back. I have never been so tired and hurt in my whole life. I did not know anything could hurt so bad.

First, do you understand that you are not responsible for his drug use? That is his choice.

Most immediately, I would recommend that you post your request for help on the "Just Found Out" board. This particular board doesn't get a lot of action so I think you would get more advice there.

Secondly, I would recommend counseling - and lots of it......for the two of you, for you as an individual, AND for your children.

Thirdly, I would recommend that you attend something like AlAnon. It is a 12 step program for people who have family members with drug or alcohol problems. It is not for the addicts themselves but, rather, for their family members.