Have not posted in a very long time. Its been about 10 months and things were really going great from my point of view. We bought a new house spent quality time together and learned to laugh at each others faults. That is until about a week or two ago.

I started noticing some distance and difficulty communicating again. I would ask what is wrong. She would tell me she is getting a little bored. She worked with OM and quit her job and began working from home. She was missing the day to day contact with people and Not necessarily OM. She needed something in a way of a challenge. Her working from home has been great. We both have more time for each other and the kids etc. But it is just not enough for her. This started to build and build and just didnt sit well with me. I knew there was more. She insisted it had nothing to do with the affair.

I finally decided to do some looking around which I promised myself I would no longer do. I just checked her internet usage and noticed she had been visiting almost every infidelity sight around. The other promise I made was to no longer avoid the issues as they come up. I confronted her and got her to admit that she is still missing the OM. It is to the point again where she is going back on the AD's. She did not want to admit it because she didnt want to hurt me by dragging it up again. I tried to explain that she hurts me more by not being honest. I think she still thinks the OM is the only one that really understood her. The fact is I can tell when things are not right. I have always done that. I just used to ignore it. What I need most from our relationship is honesty. Without it I cannot trust again. I/we have made great strides the past 10 months. Yes it does hurt a little to hear my W still thinks and wants the OM in her life. It is nothing compared to her pretending everything is fine.

The denial opens up old wounds. Has she maintained NC? She insists she has and turns it on me that I need to trust her. I struggle to see how when she can deny everything else. I will not live my life as her personal spy. That was the most degrading experience of my life and refuse to go back there. I have changed and risked so much because I do love her. I just wonder sometimes if she is pretending again. She always would tell me things are great when they really weren't. I know she wants them to be but I wonder if I am investing too much in someone who cannot return the favor. I love her more than I ever have. She is my friend again but I just have trouble trusting that she will be honest with her feelings.

Should I be concerned about NC? She I press the issue? Should I become the secret agent again. I dont think I could handle it if I found out on my own if it was going on. If she was honest I may be able to deal with it. I do believe her. I really want to believe her but it is that voice again telling me to be careful.

FG trust yourself if the voice inside say something isn't right, please listen to it. I didn't want to spy on h either but the only way to find out truth. It sure hurts to spy but it hurt worst if your interself is right. you sound like you don't want to be hurt again but need to know where you stand. you want to be the only man in her life and you have the right to be. I hope thing will be fine . I can't beleive all the pain that people are in . best wishes t.o.y. pansy