I am really struggling with emotions right now. Tomorrow is our 9th anniversary. I still plan on sending the roses as I have done on every previous anniversary. Last week, I saw an obit in the paper that WW's Aunt had passed away. I did what I thought was the civilized thing to do and sent a sympathy card to the IL's, letting them know that they were in my thoughts and prayers.
I am not sure what was the trigger that set it off but WW sent an email out to my family. Typical WS stuff. Revisionist history to try and justify the unjustifiable. And how terrible I was for not allowing her to come by and see the dogs and the cat while she was in the A. How terrible I am for not helping her financially. How terrible I am for costing her all this money for her attorney while I am using a friend at a discounted rate, despite the fact that she filed for the divorce and hired the attorney while I was asking for reconciliation. My family was smart enough to see all the holes in her story and still support me completely. I guess the psychiatric counseling with the nun isnt doing any good. I had feared as much, since there cant be any progress made without the patient being honest with the therapist.
Part of me wants to think that this meltdown, that she is seeming to be going through, is necessary before anything can happen. She made the allegation that everything I have done through my attorney has been meant to hurt her. In reality, my attorney and I have done nothing. My attorney was hopeful that she would attempt to reconcile and purposely held off of doing anything that might hurt that. Now that the court date is set for the second week in July, my attorney has said that it is now time to shift gears. I guess that she is so fogged right now that she cant see that everything I have done, which includes my settlement proposal and my decision to not give her money for bills, has been an effort to demonstrate to her that reconciliation truly is the most attractive option for her. I dont know whether I should feel totally hopeless right now, or if this is just the darkness before the dawn. Not looking forward to tomorrow.



"the wheels are turning on the last train to Amsterdam"
Ray Wylie Hubbard

Try to keep your mind occupied tomorrow. Is there someone you can go spend time with or go see a movie? I know it will be a hard day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I wish you the best tomorrow. I made my anniversary date a "mom and son" day from now on. My STBX didn't even acknowledge our 15th anniv. It broke my heart. I ended up having a really nice night with my son though. I took him to dinner and we gave each other gifts. It was very sweet and it will be our new tradition.
good luck tomorrow. Try to do something to keep your mind off of everything.....I know it's hard. My prayers will be with you.

Do you have friends you can confide in and rely on - and stay with for the day? Boy, did it help me this past weekend to get away immediately after NC, esp. since my H was out of town. Being with close friends provided a safe haven and therapy. Knowing my situation, they kept my mind off of everything. Plus, I got to know my new little nephew just that much better! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there,

Whisper

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. As a matter of fact, one of my oldest and dearest buddies and I are going out to dinner tonight. We will probably catch some live music afterwards. Going to go see another one of these Texas Country bands that leans heavily towards rock, called Honeybrowne. It should be fun. I just cant help but think about what I should be doing instead though.
We had one heckuva thunderstorm about 4am this morning. My 55lb dog hates these storms, so I had him freaking out and panting heavily in my face early this morning. I laid there and listened to the wind, rain, thunder and couldnt help but think that this angry sounding storm was God voicing his displeasure about our divorce and the rain was his tears at where WW and I are at. Very surreal.




"the wheels are turning on the last train to Amsterdam"
Ray Wylie Hubbard

Growing up in TX myself, I'm assuming you're of the Christian faith. If so, the God of the Christian faith is not a punishing God. He is a loving and forgiving God. Don't ever forget that. It's easy to correlate unrelated things when we feel bad or upset. Don't. You can't imagine how many times a song comes on the radio, and I think it's playing because of me. It was a thunderstorm and some rain, and your dog freaked out. Nothing more. My 60-lb yellow lab freaks out every time it storms too. In fact, she hides her head under the bed, not realizing her big bulbous body doesn't fit under there anymore. (A little doggie humor to lighten things up.)

Painful times like these do happen, and they are hard. The key is for you to learn to forgive yourself, live your life the best way you know how (as a believer of faith) and to move on and lead a better life - because it's definitely waiting for you out there.

Hang in there!

Whisper

Whisper,
I know you are right. Just couldnt help but make the correlation because of my own mood at the time. The mind does play tricks. I couldnt help but correlate the rain to tears, as I know how much God hates divorce. I will be okay. Just as I was after my birthday passed. Tomorrow will be a better day. I will never lose that hope.




"the wheels are turning on the last train to Amsterdam"
Ray Wylie Hubbard

I, too am approaching my 9th anniversary - in about three weeks. However, being in Plan B, I have no intention of delivering ANYTHING to my WW...that is, unless she kicks out the OM and starts the reconciliation process post haste.

If I will be sending her anything on our anniversary, chances are, it will be papers.

You mentioned your birthday...my Bday is tomorrow, and I expect to hear nothing from my WW, maybe nothing from her family, as well.

Hang in there.


TM

Thanks TM,
I just wanted to make a statement about commitment and I think I did. I did not hear a peep out of her. Not that I expected it. In a funny kind of way, I was wondering if she would be nuts enough to go around and mf me for sending roses. If she did, everyone would know she is as crazy as I suspect she might be. Can you imagine...."that sob had the nerve to send me roses on our anniversary?". If she did that, I would have loved to have seen the incredulous looks that would have produced from others. I guess I wont know for a while, if at all, if that happened or not. More likely, I think I gave her something to really think about.
On my birthday, I did get a phone call and an email from WW's parents. That act of kindness told me that they are not holding me responsible for the failure of our M. Pretty interesting considering the fact that WW has told others that I have harassed her parents (I sent emails to them on Easter and Mothers Day expressing best wishes and a sympathy card when WW's Aunt passed away).
Anyway, I survived yesterday. Better than I thought. Only one time did I tear up and that was in private where no one else could see. I dont know why it was important to me that no one else could see. It shouldnt matter. Went out to dinner with a buddy and caught some live music and went home and watched the Mariners from the west coast. I love late night west coast baseball. Its a great way to wind down at the end of the day. I could almost smell Puget Sound as I watched the game. I love Seattle. I really want to go up there this September after my season ends, but I am afraid. Afraid that since some of the best memories with WW were from our trips up there together, that I would be sad the whole time I was there. Dont know what I am going to do about that. I am angry that I am scared to take that trip. Angry with WW for making me that way. Especially angry that there is a fare sale right now and I could actually go cheaper than I ever have before!



"the wheels are turning on the last train to Amsterdam"
Ray Wylie Hubbard

Glad to hear things went OK for you yesterday. I thought about you last night and silently hoped that everything was going well. I hope you'll make it back to Puget Sound some day.

Re: Sending roses - do it because that's what you want to do because you care for her, not because of some ulterior motive. Don't ever let anyone, not even your WW, compromise you and your integrity. That's one thing you can always hold on to. (Guess I'm not a good one to preach about integrity, but I'm working to get that back.)

BTW - I just can't resist ... go Cards! and Go Cowboys (when they're in season). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there,

Whisper,
thanks. I appreciate it. Yeah, I did send the roses because I thought it was the right thing to do. I brought the idea up here on this forum a couple of weeks ago and those that responded saluted the idea. I actually was starting to have some doubts about it being the right thing to do a few days ago. I prayer real hard about it the night before the anniversary and the answer I got was to do it. In reality, I dont think there was any way it could have been taken negatively. I dont know if it will change anything, but dadgummit it was our anniversary and my wife always received roses on our anniversary and nothing changed about that yesterday.


"the wheels are turning on the last train to Amsterdam"
Ray Wylie Hubbard

Good for you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Just wanted to update everyone on my sitch. On the morning of my anniversary, an old friend of mine who is the retired baseball coach at a Catholic university here in town stopped by to talk. He was aware of what was going on with my M. Well, he told me that while he was a coach he also was a marriage counselor at the school and helped out a lot of people during the course of his career. So, I started telling him about WW and I and where we were at with the D. He listened to me without interrupting and then he began to talk and it was my turn to listen. The crux of what he said was this, WW's counseling with the psychiatrist/nun would be very interesting in that the nun would not let her off the hook in regards to our vows. He also added that I would have to deal with the issue of the vows as well. He said that neither one of us could heal until that was done. It really made me think. I "thought" I was dealing with the issue of the vows, but the pain from her A gave me a pass on how I wanted to handle it. I felt I was entitled biblically to a D because of the A. That may be true, but I dont believe that is what God wants for me. "Till death do us part" is really resonating with me right now.
Yes, I told her in the courthouse meeting that I didnt want this divorce but when she responded that she did, I gave her a settlement proposal that I knew she wouldnt accept. Is that really standing for the M? I think not.
That evening I went over to my brother's house and when I walked in, my brother's wife had Bishop T.D. Jakes on. Now I dont know how many of you have heard this guy preach, but let me tell you he is on fire! He was speaking about our potholes in our life and saying that those potholes are the enemy to what God wants for us. He said we have to be like an animal in fight to conquer the enemy. He used two dogs as an example. Two dogs, that have never been in a fight before thrown into a fight, instinctively go for the throat of their enemy. Why? Because by taking the enemy by the throat, the air supply to the muscles is cut of and saps the enemy of its strength.
So, what is the enemy of me and my WW? #1 it is divorce. God hates divorce and is his enemy as well. I have decided that I am going to take this D by the throat and deprive it of its oxygen. How am I going to do that? With time as my ally, I am going to slow down her D train as much as I can. I will be calling my attorney tomorrow to instruct him to do this.
I heard through one of our intermediaries, that in regards to the roses I sent, she thought "it was very nice but she wishes I would let her go so that she can stop hurting." Funny this is the WW saying this about the BS. She is obviously confused and hurting. She has been tricked or has deluded herself into thinking that I am the enemy to her pursuit for happiness. Well, you know what? She has it all wrong. If I settled this D today and sent her on her way, she wouldnt be happy because she has not dealt with the issue of the vows. I made those vows and I take them seriously. I still, to this day, want WW to be happy. Truly happy. If I give her the D, she will not be. I know it in my heart. I will show her through my actions that I am the one that truly has her best interest at heart.
Through this process, I hope to make her realize that reconciliation is the only way. I want to show her God's love through my resolve. I want her to see that his love, through me, is the light in her darkness. I refuse to give my WW up to the darkness.
If she agreed to my settlement proposal today, I wouldnt sign it. I am not sure yet what the legalities are and how my refusal to sign would impact the process but I believe that the D cant be final until I do so. I will find out tomorrow.
The way I look at this is that I have been through the worst part already. I survived. Now, I am feeling a strength that I havent felt before and I am ready to take this enemy by the throat and not let go.

The way I look at this is that I have been through the worst part already. I survived. Now, I am feeling a strength that I havent felt before and I am ready to take this enemy by the throat and not let go.

Woo-Hoo! Now that's what we wanted to hear! You can do it, we know you can.

StillLovingHim

Thanks SLH! I know I can too. Actually though, I cant. But He can and it can be done if I allow Him to. Pretty easy choice huh? I dont think He has done it yet, because I was not submitting to Him. Kind of funny isnt it? I am empowered through submission.

WasCrushed,

I so respect and admire your resolve ... esp. to do the right thing. With this, I'm a little nervous in what I'm about to say (and I hope we hear from TooMuchCoffeeMan, Suzet & BobPure soon) ...

Something to keep in mind is your WW's state of mind right now. I was just in her position not too long ago. She clearly is NOT thinking straight. I compare it to being on crack, not that I've ever tried it, but the physical and emotional response to an A is no less traumatic. Note - I used to literally cry uncontrollably, vomit and convulse FOR HOURS when I was going through withdrawal. Until I finally made the decision that my M & H is truly what's best for me, I always had caved in to that addiction in the past - for 1.5 years!!! The reason why I'm saying all this is to impress upon you that 1) I'm pretty certain I know what your WW is going through and 2) I want you to hear what her response may be to your actions/decision.

I hate to say this, but I'm fairly certain that she's not going to think that your fighting the D and making things harder is an act of love. Unfortunately, it probably has the opposite effect - that you are preventing her from doing what she wants to do. We, as humans, don't like it when others set limits for us (esp. when your WW isn't thinking clearly). We want to make our OWN decisions and do as WE please. As sick as it may sound, but a part of the allure of an A is the fact that it's forbidden; it's our ability to break the yoke and go beyond the limits set by our spouses, family, friends and society as a whole. By its nature, it's liberating. So, by your actions, she may perceive it as your wanting to keep her caged and in conflict. It's like telling your 21-year-old daughter who has been in college for 3 years and used to complete freedom to come home and "live under your rules." We've all been there and know what happens in that scenario. This is not so different.

So, please let me share what made me turn around to give you another option that may bring your wife back ...

I recall seeing my H shortly after my decision to file a D. He looked radiant, handsome, happy. He had been working out and going to tanning beds. He even bought himself a new, spiffy wardrobe. He was always busy going out and doing things with his friends, and he rarely answered my calls - not to mention the fact he NEVER called me anymore. He just sends "business emails" (i.e. bills, taxes, etc.) When I moved my stuff out of the house, he didn't seem to care. Wasn't even there. In fact, he was at a happy hour. He placed our house on the market and put a deposit down on a swanky downtown condo. He even separated our finances COMPLETELY. Occassionally, he would even ask how far along I was with filing the D papers and if I needed any help. (God, that irked me.) The "last straw" came when I had lunch w/ him the day he started his new job. He came without his wedding ring. I almost vomitted right there at the table. That was enough for me to rethink my horrible ways and turn around post haste.

I know deep down it hurt him more than anything, but because he did stay strong and true to himself, it made me realize what an idiot I've been to have passed up something this wonderful for this long.

Note this is coming from a FWW who had a 1.5 yr relationship with an OM who most women would probably think is a great catch and who asked me to marry him (which provided the sense of stability that would otherwise be lost w/ my filing a D). I bring this up to give you some perspective on what it took for me to leave the OM and to return to my H.

WashCrushed - I'm very ashamed of the life I led, but I hope by my sharing it'll give you some additional options as you're looking to reunite with your WW.

I wish you all the best,

Whisper,
thank you very much for your perspective. I have done many of the things that you mentioned. I have dropped 40lbs and look and feel great if I dont mind saying so myself. I know it is true from the comments that I have received from women I have come in contact with through my work, church, and just being out and about. I am extremely busy with my work (its baseball season now), hobbies, and going to the gym. I love getting out and hearing good live music. I dont have a lot of friends that are single, so as weird as this may sound, my nephew (22 years younger) and I go out quite a bit. We share the same affection for Texas music (also known as Americana in other states), and we have a really good time as I am his designated driver if he wants to have a few. A lot of his friends (girls his age) have even expressed an interest in me. To me, that is just ludicrous, but it is flattering.
After confirming the affair, I went NC just so that I could preserve my love for WW. The only contact has been through intermediaries and at the courthouse with our attorneys up until I sent the roses on our anniversary, sans a note or card. As long as she is in the A, and I havent been told that anything has changed along those lines, I feel like anything I say is going to be twisted and distorted and not taken the way it was meant anyway.
WW is seeing a psych. Right now I can only hope that the counseling will help her to get her head on straight. While this is going on, I feel like I need to present myself and the M as her best chance for true happiness. How else can I do this? You are right by saying that she will feel caged and trapped. Her comment to one of our intermediaries, was that the roses were nice but she wished I would let her go so that she can stop hurting. She doesnt see that I am not the source of her pain and if I give her the D, she will continue to hurt.
Are you saying give her the D and let her see that I am not the source of her pain? At this point is the D the only way for her to see the truth? My faith tells me that I must fight the enemy. And the enemy is D. I am having a hard time grasping the concept that to win the war, I must lose the battle.

Suzet, TMCM, Bob Pure -

I'd like to hear your thoughts on this one ...

Hi Whisper and WCIT.

Wow.

This is beyond my experience folks. I didn't have to go to plan B.

I have always wondered how plan B ends positively. How do you know if your WS is coming around if you don;t have any contact with them ?

Because Squid lived with me (except for a week with OM in Italy and some weekends) I had the opportunity to use reverse babble to explain some of my marriage supporting actions that were perceived as hurtful by Squid when she was crazy with her affair.

For exampel when i exposed with proof to OM GF Squid was absolutely VICIOUS, proclaiming that I was a crazy vindictive [email]b@stard[/email] , and that I had basically freed up OM to leave his GF and come live with her.

I replied, calmly " I can see you ar ehurt by this exposure, but I assure you I did this because I decided after prayer that this is the best thing I could do to support our marriage."

She cursed BUT I got the chance to tell her this. You don't get the chance in a true plan B.

Regarding symbols of marriage like anniversaries, wedding rings were important in our recovery.

I read a post from Ktulu about rings on one of the very worst days.It reminded me that I had taken off my ring on D-day.

I had to go do some TV for a business thing in London and my FWW found out I sent proof of PA to OM GF on the same day. She was absolutely ACID, hateful, vicious, telling me by phone she was packing and moving out and leaving the country with the kids and OM and all kinds of stuff. I had to keep calm and put my business head on for bloomberg ...

I got home she was EVIL. I checked my mail & this board and read Ktulu's post about the significance of her wedding band. I went straight to our bedroom and put on my wedding ring.

FWW noticed it the very next day in the middle of her worst and most terrible spite towards me and the kids.
" What the h3ll u wearing that for ? Our Marriage is down the pan ! I'm just waiting for teh call from OM to live with him !"

I replied calmly : "I don't need your permission to wear it. I promised God and you I'd wear it for better or worse. Well, this is 'worse' but my promise to God and you still stands. I want to be married to you. I want to do all I can to stay happily married to you, despite my hurt. Until the LAST MINUTE that there is hope that we can rescue our M I will wear the ring you gave me before God."

She ran upstairs and cried loudly for a long time. I took the kids bowling...

That was the peak of the hatred and fog. She mentioned since that it was very touching for her to see me wearing her ring when she felt so undeserving of it. And it also accused her.

I won't take it off again till I'm dead or divorced.

Now in recovery, Squid had tried to put on her wedding band. (a sports injury meant it hadn't fitted her for a year or more).

The story of what I did is HERE .

See ? In Plan A its possible to say the right things without lovebusting. Not sure how you can do that in Plan B, an expert like Mortarman needs to advise.

I'd take the opportunity to say often how I loved her, wanted to be married to her and didn't want the divorce, and that I was here if she wanted to work. Not being desperate but AVAILABLE and loving.

But thats not plan B.

All blessings. Sorry I can't help more.

I’ve read this whole thread and this situation is also beyond my experience & knowledge so I will only share what I think:

One the one side I can see how Whisper’s suggestion might work and it make sense, but on the other side I can also understand WCIT’s POV and uncertainty about this… In Whisper’s situation, her H’s approach worked and helped her to turn around and come to her senses…and to return to her H and M… This approach might work for WCIT’s situation as well, BUT the danger also exist that it might NOT work since all people are different…and that’s where the problem lies…it's a risk..

WCIT, therefore I think it will be the best for you to listen to your ‘gut’ and follow your instincts… It’s good to seek different opinions and advice on these boards, but it’s also important to take this matter to God in prayer and ask for his guidance and wisdom as well…

I hope others with much wisdom, knowledge and experience like Mortarman, ForeverHers, Pepperband, Star*fish, Ark^^, MelodyLane, Just Learning, Orchid (and the other veterans) will jump in to give there opinions and advice as well… Maybe you can make a callout to these people and ask them to assist you.

Take care and God Bless,
Suzet