"I have entertained the idea of just making an offer to her to get her out of my life. I have looked at some of my assets, and I could move some money around and just give her a lump sum to get on down the road. But, when I pray about it, that doesnt seem to be the answer."

>That may not be the answer, but (for the same token) it's important that you're prepared regardless what comes your way. While nothing could make me happier than to see things work out for you and your W, I also don't want to see you get hurt. Glad you're thinking with both your heart and your head.

Stay strong WCNT… I belief God will work things out for the good and that you and your W will reconcile. I really believe that. But it may take a while and don’t happen overnight… It will all happen in God’s time. Be patient and continue to put all your trust and faith in Him. Read the thread “Transformed by trouble” again (and again) if necessary (I see you've posted to that thread a while ago and found the article helpful)! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Blessings and prayers,
Suzet

Suzet & Whisper,
thanks for your responses. I am so thankful for the direction that the Holy Spirit has provided in my life. I have learned so much. I know that God's hand is at work here.
I was asked to serve on a committee at church and have my first meeting on Wednesday evening. I am excited about being able to give back something to my church family that has given so much to me. My team just finished a 7 game stretch here at home and we went 5-2 and have a 1 game lead over the second place team. So, thats all good. My team is out of town for the next 10 days. Typically those days are the toughest. I will try to stay busy. I am almost through reading the New Testament. I am through chapter 6 of Revelations. Will go back and start in Genesis after that.
I am thinking that I might need a few days on the sand of Padre Island later this week and next weekend. Will see where Emily goes in before making that decision though.


"you gotta have a good imagination,
if you are gonna live a life of hope."
Jack Ingram

"I will try to stay busy. I am almost through reading the New Testament. I am through chapter 6 of Revelations. Will go back and start in Genesis after that."

Good for you! Staying busy and doing some things for myself have gotten me past some of my recent rough spots. Here are a few suggestions I've read that's helped me ...

Talk regularly about your sitch with someone you trust

Accept help and support when offered

Be particularly attentive to maintaining healthy eating and sleeping patterns

Exercise moderately and regularly

Keep a journal

Plan, and allow yourself to enjoy without guilt, some GOOD TIMES. The goal is balance, not martyrdom

Tell those around you what helps you and what doesn't. Most people would like to help if they knew how

Take warm, leisurely baths

See a counselor

Get a massage regularly

Choose your entertainment carefully -- some movies, TV shows, or books can only over-intensify already strong feelings

Join a support group -- there are hundreds of such groups and people have a wonderful capacity to help each other

Plan for 'special days' such as holidays or anniversaries. Feelings can be particularly intense at these times

Pray

Take a yoga class

Vent your anger in healthy ways, rather than holding it in. A brisk walk or a game of tennis can help

Speak to a member of the clergy

Plant yourself in nature

Do something to help someone else

Keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings

You know, you can do all of the above, even if you're gone for 10 days.

BTW - not sure if you've read Revelations all the way through before. Interesting & spooky stuff, eh? I remember the first time I read it back in high school, I couldn't sleep with the lights off for days. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

With your faith and determination, I know you'll get through this!

Whisper,
I am doing many of the things you have suggested. Interestingly enough, I had some tightness in my back yesterday. I think it came from working so many hours. Well, I scheduled a massage for yesterday evening. I came home after work, took a nap, and then went for my massage at 7pm. After I got out, feeling much better I might add, I had a message from my buddy (intermediary between WW and I) wanting to have dinner. Called him back and met him at a new Thai restaurant (healthy food). I then went home and found that WW had been there as she had left a note that she had walked and fed the dogs. Just like as if I had a home game yesterday, which I did not. So, either she went by there trying to see me and used the dogs as an excuse, or she made a mistake looking at the schedule I gave her and thought I was working. Dont know. That being said, she has previously made the choice to come by only when I am not there. But I told her initially she could come by anytime. I guess there is a chance that the iceberg might be slowly starting to melt. Or not. We will see. Not going to worry about it though.

"you gotta have a good imagination,
if you are gonna live a life of hope,
you gotta drive that Ford like it's a stallion,
you gotta where your heart just like a gun."
Jack Ingram

Good for you. I'm going in for my massage tonight ... have a big tennis tournament this weekend in Des Moines. Wish me luck! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Good luck! I am not much of a tennis fan but I do kinda like Maria Sharapova! LOL!
To show you what kind of a redneck I was raised as.....when I was in high school and playing football, we used to have to walk past the tennis courts to get to our practice field. We would always yell at the guys playing tennis in a faux feminine voice...."Love one, Love two.....I dont have a racquet but will my purse do?" They would get real mad and we would get a good laugh. Needless to say we were real immature and full of ourselves. In Texas, high school football is given way too much importance.

True, but that's why I love TX. Plus, us girls in short, tennis skirts weren't exactly unpopular. ha!

My tennis team made it all the way to the finals and lost in a tie-break. I did win all 5 of my singles matches, which made it even harder for me emotionally. It's a real bummer, and I'm still not over it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Yes, I'm a sore loser. Oh well. As the song goes ... "back to life, back to reality". Hope all is well this week w/ you!

Whisper,
sounds like you were quite a player, back in the day! Dont get me wrong, we loved checking out the tennis girls, it was just the tennis boys that we gave crap to. So immature. Now I wish I was a tennis player. A game you can play almost your whole life.
Last week was interesting. My atty faxed me a copy of what my WW is proposing for settlement. Her atty told my atty before faxing it to him, that he knew we wouldnt accept it. Totally ridiculous in my eyes. My attorney and my pastor think we need to sit down and discuss it face to face instead of fighting it out in the courts. I started another thread seeking advice. Here it is .... http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=2#2767994
Doesnt look like I did that right. But maybe you can find it anyway.

I just read your other thread & what Ark said. I agree w/ writing the letter to make sure all of your thoughts and feelings are fully conveyed. Not sure about you, but I get tongue-tied when I'm nervous and upset and everything just comes out completely opposite of what I intended. Don't let this happen. Write that letter then use it as an outline for your discussion w/ your W.

Whisper,
after seeing that I didnt have any other responses this morning I responded to an email that WW had sent yesterday in regards to getting together to split our income tax refund. The following is what I wrote:

WW,
I agree with you that we need to do that. I am really busy the next few days. What is your availability?
Also, I feel like we need to, at some point, sit down and have a civil discussion about our respective futures. I do not wish to engage in any discussion that would involve disrepectful judgements, threats, or anger. I believe that as mature adults, that have shared some very happy times with each other in the past, that we could accomplish that. Ideally, I would like to have two separate discussions with you at different times.
The first discussion I would like to basically talk about what went wrong in our marriage. I feel it is important that we do that in order that neither one of us makes the same mistakes in the future. No matter what comes out of this, I do wish for you to be happy. I would like to think that you wish the same for me. This life is too short to go through it holding ill will for another person. I believe that true and complete healing cant take place until we have both completely buried our anger and have reached a point of forgiveness for each other. I, for the most part, have done that. I believe that after we have this conversation, we should take a little time to digest everything and reflect on where each of us are at individually.
The second conversation we could talk about what we need to do for our futures. I believe that if we do divorce, the ideal situation if there is such a thing, would be where we discuss what each other's needs are in order to move on and have our best chances for future happiness. If we can come up with something that will allow each other to do that, we wont have to feed the legal machine any more than we already have. A protracted court battle doesnt serve either one of our best interests. I prefer to not give our limited assets to attorneys. The way I see it, the outcome of that would be that the loser gets nothing, and the winner gets all that remains.....whatever that would be if anything. I know that after this process is over, you still wish to be able to see Major and Spyral. I really dont have a problem with that, but I do feel that if this is going to be the case, we need to be able to reach a point where we are civil and no longer hold any ill feelings to each other.
Please let me know your thoughts. As we are not yet divorced, I promise to treat you with the respect deserving of a wife until we are no longer married.

Your husband,
WCNT

Not sure what the effect this message will have on her. I also am pretty sure there are possibly some things in there that I should not have said, and some things that I left out. But, I did the best I could to convey the basic elements of what I wanted to discuss and the tone that I desired the conversation to have. I will let you guys know about the response. I feel confident that through prayer I will be able to handle myself in a way that will honor God, if and when we have these discussions.

It looks good to me. Specific and to the point, without a whole lot of emotional baggage. I hope it does hit home. Let us know how she responds!

Here is her response.....

Well, it’s too late in reference to “feeding the legal machine” since you’ve ran up my legal bills to $3000 at this point. There is no valid reason for my legal bill to be $3000; we have no kids & no real assets. The divorce settlement my lawyer & I submitted to your lawyer is in your best interest & not mind & I submitted to take ½ of the remaining debt and you get to keep a lot of the home furnishings even if most of everything in that house (of course, except the bedroom furniture you bought) I paid for myself.
Fine, if you want a better understanding as to what went wrong, and my email that was sent to your family wasn’t clear enough, we can meet at a place I pick out (a neutral place). At this point, I see no need for a second meeting. When we meet to settle the divorce, and there is no question in my mind about this divorce, everything else can be worked out then.

I am available to meet any time this week & next week in the evening and I have next Wednesday, 8/03/05, off.

My response to her........
Well then, maybe I should have said running it up further. It certainly was not my intention to run your bill up and I dont really feel like you can place that one on me, but if you want to I guess it doesnt really matter. The finances were definitely and still continue to be a problem. One that I feel would have been better addressed as two people working together, which I was willing to do and continue to be willing to do. Your choice to leave and divorce is your decision and your decision alone. Do I wish it would have been done different? Obviously. I feel like we were just getting to a place where we could have made real progress. The furniture was being paid off. The truck was being paid off. There was an opportunity there that we didnt avail ourselves of.
The failure of our marriage however isnt just limited to the finances. There is a ton of other stuff in regards to our relationship that I feel need to be discussed, in order for both of us to move forward. Again, I do want the best for you in the future. Whatever that may hold. I felt like what we once had was very special. Not perfect, but special nonetheless. I am sad that it is gone and I do recognize what I did wrong. I would just like to have the opportunity to speak with you about this, so that you might gain additional understanding. I believe in forgiveness. And I believe that the street of forgiveness is a two way street. I know it is impossible to receive it without also giving it. I believe that we, as two individuals, need to get to this place. We need to be able to discuss things in a way that we dont merely push each others buttons. Escalation will serve no purpose. I will not ever mention your boyfriend and the impact that he had on our marriage ever again if I can help it.
When we do reach a point of forgiveness, then I think it is proper to discuss how we move forward from that point. That is why I see the need to meet twice. I think it might be unreasonable to think that we could both forgive each other and then discuss the dissolution of our union, all in the same meeting. I think that when the rancor towards each other disappears, then we might be able to have an effective discussion. Otherwise it will just go through the court system and we will just continue to hurt each other even further. I would prefer to not do that. Again, disrespectful judgements on the part of either one of us at this point serves no useful purpose.
I am not available this evening or tomorrow evening and Thursday I start a two week homestand. So, we will probably have to do it afterwards unless you have another idea.

Your husband,
WCNT

Wow. She has no idea what she's throwing away. I hope she wakes up soon.

{{{{{{{{WCNT}}}}}}}}

{{{WCNT}}}}

Prayers to you…
Suzet

Whisper / Suzet,
thank you. Your kind words and thoughts are much appreciated. I now think that WW is just too far gone and that D is inevitable, no matter what I say. And in reality, what I have to say to her, is probably more for me than her. I dont really even think she is capable of hearing it. I could be wrong, after all God is able to perform miracles that we cant even conceive. But, whatever the outcome, I know I will be fine. I have made some wonderful friends in my church throughout this ordeal, grown closer to my family and friends, and just in general realize how blessed I am. I am getting to the point where I am fine with this M being over. I deserve better than this.

((((WCNT))))
It sounds like you are on the road to recovery with or without WW. You have a good heart that does deserved to be well loved. None of us are perfect, the insight you have gained from this journey will serve you well. Forgiveness is key, we also have to forgive ourselves which is probably the hardest thing to do. For a WS forgiveness must be incredibly difficult because they would have to actually acknowledge their part.

You are blessed and your future is bright.

Thanks Confused,
One of the other things I have found out during this ordeal is something that I will take with me the rest of my life. I have found that one of the best ways to healing, is to find a way to be a blessing to others. I pray on a regular basis for all the folks on this site that are hurting. I pray that they will realize that they are never alone in this world if they will seek God and invite him to dwell within their hearts. I pray that they will feel God's loving arms wrapped around them and they will gain strength in the knowledge that His hand will work in their lives if they will ask him to do so.
While I am extremely sorry that it took the failure of my M for me to realize this, I am extremely thankful for what I have learned and what God has revealed to me. I know that the future will be fine for me, and I hope that someday my WW will be able to reconcile herself to God even if she doesnt with me.

WCNT, you are such a precious child of God…I admire your faith, strength and positive attitude during this very difficult circumstances. I'm sure you are a big inspiration to many people! Keep it up my friend! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I agree.

Your faith and positive outlook during this sad time in your life are amazing.

Good stuff, WCNT. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.