So I'm back in the dating pool...

It's really not that bad, and I've discovered that the bar scene is a great place to meet women!

Of course, all of the women I've met have turned out to have some serious sociopathic tendencies. But, hey, I didn't say it was a place to meet good women! I'll still continue to talk to them when I go out, because I'm sure there are "good ones" there. I just realize now that the likelihood of finding a worthwhile "friend" is uhhh... lmited. I'm there, right!

So I've also tried eharmony. It hasn't been too bad, and has sent me a few matches. (Hold your breath, the question is coming....)

I talked to one girl in particular, a good bit. We started the communication process six weeks ago. We got to where we were emailing every couple of days, if not daily. Fast forward a few weeks.

I ask if she wanted to meet in person two weeks ago. She agreed, and we met for drinks after work on a Tuesday. It was awkward for both of us, as we'd never met a "real, live" internet person before. It took a little while for us to push through the awkwardness, but we finally got the ball rolling and ended up having an OK time. We hung out for about an hour, hour and a half.... I was not blown away, but wouldn't mind seeing her again.

I emailed her the following day, and thanked her for joining me, and told her I had a good time. She said she had a good time as well. I was headed out of town Thursday night for a wedding, she was on vacation and going out of town as well, so I told her that we'd catch up early the following week.

I got back home last Monday, and sent a simple "hope you had a good weekend, maybe we could do a casual dinner/drinks thing and you can tell me about your vacation." She responded and said that she was interviewing for a job, but didn't know what day, and that her week was going to be crazy. She did say she would let me know about dinner. We also shared the "what are you doing Mem. Day weekend" conversation. Mem. Day was last weekend, so I imagine we both had stuff going on.

So, my question.... I haven't heard from her in a week. I've barely had time to get to the computer, so perhaps she's been as busy as me.... Does it sound like perhaps I'm being blown off? Her last email said she would let me know, and I haven't heard from her since. Should I contact her, or just wait? What tact should I take if I do contact her?

I'm not very good at this.......


Ethan

Ethan,

I don't have any advice for you on what to do other than to say what can it hurt to contact her? Maybe she wasn't sure who was to call who and is waiting for the man to make the move.

But I did want to share that I've known several friends/family of different coworkers who are either in serious relationships with people they met through eharmony, or they're married.

And as of last weekend, one of my fellow church members (a guy who was widowed about the same time my XH left me) married a women he met through eharmony.

So whether or not this particular person turns out to be a potential relationship for you, it sounds like the route you're taking is a good choice, and one I may take as well if I ever get the nerve to stick my toes in the dating water someday.

Anything is possible ethan. I am familiar with eharmony, have used it for sometime, over 200 matches, (of course could only investigate small number of them), met some, talked to more, did the questions with 15-20..people come and go at all stages, some in the manner you have experienced. You start to see the patterns, I will tell you what I think (and what I have experienced). You would think people who go to the trouble to deliberately sign up on a dating site (and eharmony requires quite an investment of time, and a few bucks, so naturally filters out many people), would be highly motivated to do relationship "work". But, one would be wrong if they assumed that. Many are just tire kickers, not really buyers, just out for a spin. Others have poor interpersonal skills, and have no sense that they are wasting your time. Others are pursuit junkies, they get high off the endorphins released in initial pursuit...but have no staying power. Some are class acts, and will pull their weight...but none of this makes any difference, cause your options are limited...I only mention it so you won't feel bad.

My suggestion is you approach this with hope, but low expectations. On-line is a good way to meet IMO, but it is also more vulnerable, out of sight, out of mind, and easily disposed of IF you don't work at it....ie communicate, and visit regularly (and you should meet fairly quickly, within 90 days max, of initial communication. 30 days is optimal, assuming a decent amount of email, and a few substantial phone contacts that went well.

Anyways, you made successful contact, expressed interest, followed up...you did your part...now if it is to go further she needs to step to the plate. That's how you approach on-line dating IMO. It is a dance, if the other isn't dancing, find another partner. She could be ambivalent (out of sight out of mind), she could have other romantic interests, you were just an experiment, and she does not want to do any more work, but makes no difference, is her turn, or she loses you, who cares why (so to speak), there are always more matches. The key here is to make ABSOLUTELY SURE the other party is working at this just as hard as you are...that is how you know you aren't wasting your time. She may be blowing you off cause she does not know how to be honest, or it may have nothing to do with you, she is just a renter, or distracted with other stuff. But again, makes no different....you open communications with those who interest you, meet if you want, and it either works or not. If someone is interested in a match, they will do the work...count on it. But if you do most of the work, they may be willing to let you....and that is no good.

My suggestion is to be specific, not "general". I really enjoyed out meeting, I would like to see you more, do you feel the same way? yes, or no. If yes, then either make a suggestion for next meeting....and if she is vague, tell her that is not going to work, as you need to make plans...If that doesn't get her to the plate, tell her you would like to see her more, but she will have to follow up, remind her she has your email, and tell her you hope to hear from her, ball is in her court. This is a little different from normal male pursuit where we are a little persistent, but that doesn't work for on-line....feels more like stalking.

Anyways, that works for me. It is cleaner, more honest, and reflects the fact you both are supposedly committed to a dating effort...or wouldn't be there.

I agree with this Ethan.

I'd email her one more time, letting her know the ball is in her court and then leave it with her.

No need to waste your time or energy on someone who is not stepping up to the plate. On line dating should be very equal footing. It's not like someone you will run into occasionally at church (or at the bar) where a relationship will develope in the old fashioned way of flirting and spontaneous bumping into each other. And where the man normally does most of the initial work.

Hmm. This is just a thought, but Ethan, you did say that this was the first time either of you had physically met someone who you had known online. I wonder whether - consciously or not - this woman has transitioned to the "old fashioned way" of developing a relationship, and is now expecting you to play the role of the pursuer.

Either way, I agree that direct communication is in order. Explicitly put the ball in her court and let her take it from there.

I have to disagree with the 30, 60 or 90 day rule. That is far to long to communicate electronically when using eHarmony or Match or other similar services. The reality is you can e-mail each other till the moon turns blue, but until you meet you don't have a good idea of what the other person is about.

I haven't used these services much, but, on the advice of a friend I limited the e-mails to 3 or 4 round trips and then asked to meet for coffee. I was interested in somebody to date and get to know better, not an e-mail buddy.

Oh, the guy still has to take the lead in the early part of the relationship, such as it is. While some women will be assertive and ask to meet or even ask for your phone number, most wait for the guy to take those steps.

So call her and tell her you want a date this weekend or whenever you have the time. Be reasonable and work with her if she has a conflict. Pick something you both will like, if possible. DON'T SPEND A LOT OF MONEY ON HER THIS EARLY!

If she is interested in dating you and learning more about you she will make herself available. If not, then you have to face the fact that she's just not thin into you. Move on if that is the case. There is an abudance of single women out there.

Well, in the first post you sounded lukewarm about her, and possibly she also feels lukewarm, or senses that you felt lukewarm. Are you really interested in her, or is it more that you don't want the feeling of being "rejected"?

Personally, I agree with JustinExplorer that the face-to-face meetings should come quicker than 30 days. Also I think it works better to meet several people before choosing one to focus on.

Maintaining contact requires emotional effort and time, for which there are competing demands. If this one is too busy or not interested enough (doesn't matter which one), then just keep looking. Maybe send one more email, but don't make a pest of yourself. If she sees you as a legitimate prospect, she will make the time. But you should not be investing the time, either, unless you have a feeling stronger than "wouldn't mind seeing her again".

Good luck,

Tom

Guys,
Thanks for all the responses.

I think tmmx kinda hit it on the head. I was not grossly into her. It's not that I disliked her, was turned off, or anything like that.... I just wasn't "mesmerized." And generally speaking, I tend to be "mesmerized" when I find someone that I "like." (If any of that makes sense.)Not in a creepy way, but in a "awestruck" way.....

I think a lot of the nature of my question was more of etiquette or common practice. I have actually pretty much figured out the girls that I meet when I'm "out", and if they are "interested" in me or not. I'm daft enough to know that if you get the number, you call and she says she busy and she'll call back in a few minutes....and doesn't.... Or she just can't ever seem to find a day that you can get together.... Yeah, I got that figured out.....

But this was a little bit different, in that we already had an established way to communicate. So, I guess I was just taken aback that the communication just...ceased. Wierd.

Well, anyway, I sent her a email this evening, just a "Hey, how's it going? Things are pretty good on this side of the planet...blah blah...."

But I guess it was the lukewarm thing that kinda threw me as well. And I guess she may have sensed that, although I did ask her for a second date shortly after the first meeting, so I figured that would express interest. It's strange, because I've never been in the situation where I wanted to see someone again, but didn't have a great romantic interest in them. Should I be waiting until someone absolutely turns my head? I've had a few that did over the past six months or so, but they didn't pan out....

It's still kinda new to me, but I enjoy it....

Again, thanks for the advice!

Ethan

That's the thing about meeting people. As one poster said, you can email forever but if there's no chemistry when you meet face to face, it's moot.

So you aren't feeling it for this woman and she probably knows that. I don't think there's any etiquette per se. Just follow the Golden Rule. It's not all that uncommon for communication to cease; especially when there weren't any real sparks. If someone is 'in' to you, they will let you know. If they aren't or they are seeing other people, you will eventually figure it out. Always best to keep your options open.

Then again...I dated someone several times and she just vanished. I thought we had something. Silly me. We slept together and then...gone... No phone. No email. No IM. Nothing. Guess she got what she wanted. Then, she appears 3 months later like nothing had happened. Suffice to say, you will meet a lot of strange women on dating sites.

I was lucky to meet a wonderful beautiful woman on Yahoo Personals. We've been together for a year now. She spent 7 years dating before she met me. It only took me 6 months to meet her. And to think, I almost didn't email her because I thought she was out of my league. Fate is funny that way.

Ethan, mabye something to remember: people are generally chickensh*ts, and would rather not return your call and sit there hoping you get the hint than just tell you to never mind.

GC

Yeah GC,

I've kinda figured that much out. It's crazy "out here/there."

And it seems that I can always find the crazies.

I have met them all, I think just over the past few months.

In no particular order, I have met "the girl who quit HS to move to another state with her boyfriend and now she's in massage therapy school." She never called me back.... "the girl who seemed really, really into me (on more than one occasion) but would never go on a real date with me, and after a few phone conversations, lost my number" (I think she was in a relationship) and the grand champion of them all.......

....."The Lithuaniuan girl I met on a business trip that I'm 96.4% certain does internet porn for a living." But she was a really sweet girl, honestly. All three of those are crazy stories....But I won't bore you.

Oh, and I have my very own stalker that I met before my D was final, she calls or emails about once a month.

I've also been "set up" a couple of times. Once with a 24 year old single mom. (Her "first/only time", she got pregnant... wow!) Anyway, some friends invited her to a crawfish boil that I was going to......and she was so darned attractive that I clammed up.... Completely dropped the ball on that one.

And last night, same friends set me up with a 25 year old teacher who lives a 1/2 mile from me. The four of us went out for drinks, and we had a good time... And I actually liked her! She was attractive, intelligent, with a good sense of humor. However, I have the sinking feeling that she wasn't that interested in me, though. But you never know. My friend's GF, (who wanted me to meet "the teacher") said that she seemed really nervous...so I'm hopeful, but realistic. We'll see how it goes....

And I keep putting along.... It's wierd, because after a year and 1/2 of being "single", I feel like I'm ready to give this R thing another shot. And I'm not looking, but I'm looking, ya know?

Ethan

Ethan,

My friend just got married to a girl he had first met on a blind date set up by his former high school English teacher. She thought he didn't like her, and he thought she didn't really think much of him. I got some feedback from the English teacher, who said the girl really liked him but thought he didn't like her much but he did like her and had already planned to call her for another date. Just goes to show ya.

Don't go on "sinking feelings" ... I know that I have a reputation for coming across as very reserved, but it is mostly because I'm afraid that too much interest will make them run in the opposite direction... Actually I've always been that way, even as a small child, my mother tells me.

T

Never heard back after the email. Guess I got my answer, huh?

And then.....

The friend's GF that set me up called the teacher today.

And there's going to be a second date!!!! Apparently, we are going bowling this weekend!

FGF called just to thank her for coming out with us. She told her that I really enjoyed the conversations, thought she was funny, intelligent and... oh yeah...she told her I thought she was beautiful. (Which I do....)

Said she had a great time, and seemed very, very upbeat about going out again.

I'm pumped today.... can ya' tell?

What is the best way to temper my enthusiasm. Should I?

Ethan

Coooool. Ethan, you're lucky to be in your 20s, in a way. More opportunities, though not necessarily more good ones, right? My friends are too freakin' old. Everybody's got their little circle established. Everybody's paired up. I'm on my own.

Guess I'm a little more antsy than you. It's been a year and a week since the sparrow left, and I'm chewing the bit.

Good luck with the teacher. Heavens, got knocked up her 1st time?

Doubt is your friend!

GC

Yeah...there are a few more oppurtunities.....

I have found, for the most part, that the ones my age that aren't married yet, are unmarried for a reason. *****cough*****looney bin*******cough****. I am fortunate that an eye isn't raised if I date a 23-25 year old...... Especially with Baton Rouge being a "college" town.

I wouldn't say I'm itching.....but it has been a while since I've held hands and sent a random thoughtful email...and bought flowers cause it's Thursday.... I admit I like that. I just haven't found someone worth investing the time/effort into.....yet. MB has made me picky. Add to that, the one "real" relationship I've ever had is my failed M? Yikes....you see why I'm a little cautious.

The teacher and the single mom aren't one in the same. I met the single mom about two months ago. I was told she was "cute." Well, she showed up and she was unbelievably pretty. Blew me away so much that I could barely mumble a sentence her way. It was so sad......

I did not have a description on the teacher. My friend had never met her, just his GF. And she turned my head, absolutely.... And thankfully, I had the experience from the single mom to draw from, and apparently did OK.

My only concern? The teacher said her roommate asked how it went, and she said "I was soooooo nice." Ugh. I can hear Green Day in my head: "....nice guys finish last...."

What girl goes for nice, these days?

Fingers crossed,
Ethan

Hi Ethan,

It's been eons since I posted to you last.You cracked me up about the women in your age group who aren't married yet.LOL. I know of a few men my age( I am a whole decade+1 older that you!) who aren't married for good reasons too: skirt chasers,beer binge drinkers,too much sports oriented life to get off the couch and date properly,etc.etc.What girl goes for nice? I would say MANY including me.Don't let anyone tell you differently.I long for the days of old romance like flowers and opening car doors for me and long walks etc etc.My WH hadn't appreciated that or done that for me for a long time.Old fashioned chivalry is like a lost art,I think.

I'm not in the dating pool yet myself but I am having a grand time reading all these threads.It's like peering into the future a bit.I haven't dated since I was in my teens but that's not to say that I won't be ready.What will make the difference I think is finding someone who is just open and honest and caring.Like the woman you met who didn't e-mail you back.I just find that kind of response(or lack thereof) cruel.I would rather have someone be honest but caring with me then just evaporate and leave me wondering what happened to them.In their misguided effort to give you the sign they end up being more hurtful and cruel.If we are old enough to date we are old enough to "take it" when someone says they are not interested or they would rather not continue seeing you.

So,you say ok and wish them well.It doesn't matter what they did or didn't see or like in you because that is only *their opinion and is not necessarily a reflection of who you really are or what you really care about.If you stay true to yourself and your beliefs,etc you will know that it's not you that was lacking in any way(with anyone) but more of there being something that the other person may feel was not compatible with you.But there will be someone who will feel compatible for all that you are and all that you believe in,one day.

Well,I wish you luck with your new "gf" this weekend.I hope you have a good time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

O

FM: "I have found, for the most part, that the ones my age that aren't married yet, are unmarried for a reason. *****cough*****looney bin*******cough****."

I've been spending a great deal of time on these boards just reading and reading and have begun to follow your situation. In my situation I've just recently come to a point where I've decided I must divorce my WH. Given that you and I are close in age... I read the comments you made about dating women your age who've not been married...

Perhaps you see where I'm going...what about the ones who have been? Does my potential divorce make me "damaged goods"?

Dude...how's it going. Good to hear you are "back in the saddle again." Perhaps that is too old a reference for you.
:: I am so old!

You're not damaged goods, but like all people who go through divorce, you do have to take time to heal and be restored after the divorce. I know for me the hardest part is getting used to living alone. It's an odd feeling.

I've got a few to respond to, so let's see if I can make sense of this....

OG,
Always good to hear from you. Always. And thanks for the words. I'm going to continue being nice, because that's who I am. It can make it a bit more cumbersome when I "go out" because I'm not looking to "get some" and that throws people off sometime. I just kind of stick to what I'm comfortable with, I guess.

DipiT!!!!!!!!!
Where have you been, what have you been up to? I'm an Aerosmith fan, so I often play "Back in the Saddle" when I need a pick-me-up. But I think it's more like "Back on the Tricycle" for me. And thanks, because I'm not that much younger than you. I guess I'm old too, then.

newlywed55,
If you've just started following my story, you've missed a lot. It took a lot of long work to get here. I admit that I haven't had the opportunity to catch up on your story. I am sorry to see that your M has already been rocked by an A. My XW's first A began 3 months into our M and every anniversary featured a different OM. So in a lot of ways I'm not sure I can say I really know what a real M is all about, and I have that to look forward to.

To answer your question, your D does not make you "damaged goods." However, that perception is there, and you should be aware of it. Just as some people don't like black people, or homosexuals, because they're different, being D'd makes us different. I think for me, I've faced repeated and horrendous rejection a lot over the past few years, and I can comfortably say that I don't have a tremendous fear of rejection these days.

Let me share a little bit about both sides of the equation. I had tickets to a Mardi Gras Ball earlier this year, and I
didn't have a date. Finally, my best friends wife invited her friend, her BF and a friend of hers, who explicitly said she would go, but that it would "not be a date." Hindsight being 20/20, I should have rescinded the ivitation. Anyway, this girl, without knowing me said she would never date someone who was divorced. She proceeded to come with us, didn't seem to mind the $150 ticket and proceeded to not say A WORD to me the entire night. (It was bad enough that the other female friend in the group passed along an apology a few days later for her friend's behavior.) Of course, karma being karma, she got absolutely crushed by a huge ceramic bead necklace thrown from the top of a float, which caused a massive black eye. It was awesome!!!!! But the bottom line is that she never got to find out anything about me, to find out that I'm funny, articulate, nice. That I wasn't even worthy of dating her. Oh well. That's out there.

And the flip side..... Fast forward a few months....My friend wanted to introduce me to a friend of his. He described her as intelligent, independent, cute, has her own house and a good job.....and a 5 year old daughter. He sensed my hesitance, and said it was no big deal if I didn't want to. I sat there and thought for a minute...What if this girl was on her side of the world, and heard the same spiel about me, and wasn't interested just because I was divorced. And I thought to myself, that I should dare not judge this girl without meeting her first. I turned to him after a few moments and said, "You know what? I'd love to meet her. Set it up." I met her, and she was soooooo beautiful, soooo radiant, soooo full of life and good spirit that I completely froze up, and missed my opportunity with her. But I learned so much from that experience. And I'm more confident and more comfortable because of it.

I'll pass this advice your way. If you choose to get divorced, then get D'd and begin to focus on your life on your own. Get comfortable on your own. Then, and only then, should you concern yourself with adding someone else.

I was going to post a little bit more about my dating life, but I've got something waaaaaayyyy better to post over on GQII.

Ethan