I'm having second, third, fourth, etc... thoughts about my marriage. Not sure I want to stay. I was planning on staying until my youngest (11) started HS.

Dr Phil said "parents should not stay together for the sake of the children. He said people need to Earn their way out." I know I've been doing that for 8 months now. My wife has done zero. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

About a month ago my wife said "I'll never be the wife you want me to be." One week after D-Day (last Sept) she said "we had 27 good years together, why can't you leave it at that? Why can't we be friends and move forward? I attributed this to FOG talk.

As a typical WS, she also rewrote our History and said many nasty things. I asked Steve Harley if this was Fog talk or did she really mean it? Steve said she probably meant every word "at the time." This statement floored me, I was in shock. I thought it was all Fog talk, this hurt. Well, what the hell does this mean? If she meant it then, why not now? What changed?

It appears that she may want to stay married, but IMO for the wrong reasons as far as I'm concerned. I think she wants to stay for financial security, domestic help, and for the kids sake. Screw that, how about Love? I'm only staying for Love, period. If it ain't there, why the hell stay in a Loveless marriage?

Why should I stay if the 2 of us are not happy. I'll leave and maybe we will both be happy. Who the hell knows? All I know right now is that life sucks.

September will be 1 year since D-Day. If I don't see significant changes this Summer, then I'll end the Torture for the both of us.

Tell me what to expect when dating Women in their 30's and early 40's (maybe this will convince me to work harder on my marriage) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

How do you find people? Websites, friends, bookstores, church, etc...

I'm guessing most females in their 30s and 40s will have kids, so Blended families.

How good or bad is Sex?

STD's?

What about the ex husband? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Is it all a PITA or can you find real Love?

Thanks

Andrew

As a man who professes in the Recovery board in his thread "Wife Served" that he is following SH's advice, I find it extremely interesting you hide this post here. Why don't you post this in your thread and let all the people who have tried to help you answer this question for you?

This post is completely disrespectful of the wife and marriage you profess in the Recovery board to want so much.

Get professional help outside of SH.

Another post that obsesses about sex TA.

BTW

I thought it was all Fog talk

Did you think 'fog talk' was some kind of dark version of tongues where WS say words without filtration by their minds ?

Steve is ( of course) right: what we call 'Fog' is an assemblage of the facts as perceived through addiction, shame, adrenaline and fear and presented in a way that (usually) justifies the affair or WS behaviour.

Few FWS still adhere to the statements they made at that time once they recover.

Finally what do you expect to get in response to these questions on aboard where most here try FERVENTLY to save their marriages ?

TA I almost hope you're NOT for real, truly...

Alright Andrew,

Last time I took the time to post to you, you didn't even acknowledge me. But, because I'm a nice guy, and a complete sucker, I will have another go.

Here's the low down from someone with way too much experience.

Don't even think about dating until you have resolved your issues with your wife and taken some time to sort your [censored] out.

Otherwise, it will be good for a very short period of time followed by lots of bad and ugly.

Also, even thinking about dating damages your resolve and makes what you are trying to do right now, with your WIFE, that much more difficult.

dewt

Bob, I really wish you would DROP the SEX talk. Yes you, not me. I want some Intimacy (yes sex would be nice) and someone to at least try and meet my needs. Is that too much to ask after 1 year?
Most of your posts drip with sexual longing TA. you cannot or will not stop this so I will not point this out again. Persisting for SF is usually counterproductive post-affair or even during marital difficulties. You have been told this yet persist. Up to you mate

Am I such a moron that after 11 months of NO SEX that I can't think of sex?
Think and do what you wish within the law, TA. Some works to help your M, some doesn't.


I'm a VERY Sexual person, always have, always will be. My father is the same way, he had 9 children (I'm the oldest) and my Mother had 4 miscarriages that I know of (so that would have been 13 kids). My father happens to be one of your countrymen.
I'm a very sexual person too. But I locked up my taker as it was counterproductive. Do what you need to mate.

If my wife and I don't reconcile here is my plan.


I'm giving her until Sept to make some real changes in her attitude towards me and our marriage. This marks 1 year since D-Day. I am then going to Plan B, very dark. I will do this until January 2006. This will be 15+ months from D-Day and 18 months of NO sex. I will then start to date.

More months of hoping she will change.


I'm not such a F'n moron that I can't see the writing on the wall at that point. In Michigan it takes 1-2 years to get a Divorce according to my attorney. I am NOT waiting 2-3 years to START to find someone in my life, period.

Your choice dude. Nobody is forcing you to work on your M.


Not all marriages can be saved. Steve told me this, Dr Phil (who I respect) and many members here. I can post a dozen threads that are current in regards to members here wondering if it was all worth it. WS is still cheating 2-4 years later, WS doesn't love them, sex life is dead, no loving feelings, etc...
Absolutely correct. And there are more who are recovered enjoying a wonderful life together with a newfound intimacy and forgiveness.


Who the hell wants to suffer thru that?

Not me. As I told U my plan was just to get Squid and I both to a place where we could make intelligent decisions about or lives. My studies told me that was probably not possible wheil a romantic afair is active. So I did all I could to stop it. I had (and have) no intention to 'save my marriage at any cost'.





Steve told me that WS usually mean what they say. They wouldn't normally say these statements under good conditions, but when they become irrational the Truth comes out.
Yep, my efinistion of this comes from Steve's dad so we agree !


I'll bet your wife said many nasty things to you that are True. Yet she wouldn't say them today, but the facts are still true.
Some may still be true, some won't be. Active WS can rewrite the facts to justify their actions. Squid tells me NOW she never stopped loving me, but got distracted. She told me THEN she never loved me and had found her soulmate in OM for example. I don't think Squid believes I was a bad husband before her A, that divorce is good for kids, or that OM was her soulmate anymore. But who knows what any of us believe ?

How about the TRUTH! I wanted to hear from members here who have been thru all the MB principles and thier marriage didn't work.

I noticed the other day that of the Top 10 members here who I respect (I won't name) and most do, that many of them were divorced.

This blew me away. Are they better people today because of their divorce and MB, I would most definately say yes. If they got married again would thier marriages be much better? I would definately say yes.
MB is primarily about personal recovery, because a sustainable M can only be recovered if both spouses are strong and examined. MB never advocates dysfunctional people clinging together despite everything.

Some MB lifers are divorced, like WAT, some are recovered like Pep, Mel and some never actually experienced infidelity themselves like Ark and Just Learning. But they all advocate similar behaviours don't they ?

Unfortunately I am real. I never envisioned after 27+ years of what I thought was a happy marriage and 2 wonderful children that my wife could do this to me with NO NOTICE whatsoever. Never once said there was a problem. What kind of a freak am I living with?

How can someone be so F'n cruel after 27 years? I could see if we were just starting, but 27 years?

there are lots of reasons for affairs. But U read the sam ebooks as me, so U know that already. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


I respect you for what you have been thru. I've read your story many times.

I personally would NOT have taken your wife back. She came back because the OM dumped her "BRUTALLY" (your words).

OM said " F'k this, its too hot...I'm going to lose everything, your husband is a f'king madman ! Just stay away from and your psycho husband alright ? * slam! brrrrr * " just after I exposed with proof and threatened him with some of the information I had researched on him. It was a brutal dumping in that it wasn't " I will always live you , bye...".

I still smile when I recall OM GFs transcription of the call. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Squid was heartbroken. I basically forced him into either losing everything for Squid or dumping her. Put up or shut up. He dumped her. Cleverest thing he did all year.

If I'd waited like a doormat OM & Squid would probably have eventually drifted apart after a LOT more sex and lies. But I helped kill it and I am proud of that.

You think differently, and thats cool.



If I was you I would go Dark today and see if she still wants you 6 months from now. Maybe you'll realize you don't want her. No way I could stay in a marriage when the only reason my wife came back was because after OM had his way with my wife he then dumped her and she came running back to me. Then to suffer thru withdrawal from OM and listening to them cry, not me.
See above. OM dumped Squid because I would have ruined him if he hadn't, not because he got tired of her. The affair was at its most passionate when I busted it.

I have a great mutually loving life with Squid now, why would I go dark and upset the kids lives to see if she still wanted to be with me?

Squid can go any time she wants. We both choose to stay right now.

Do you Love your wife any more than the rest of us? NO.
I guess we all love our spouses enough to do this uninstinctive crap to get them back, so of course I don't

Maybe you were willing to do anything to save your marriage no matter what. I don't know the Real reasons why you saved your marriage. Maybe you don't know. I read most of your threads and you still have anger towards your wife and OM. I sense your frustration, it is very obvious.

I worked to save my marriage because I took my vow seriously, I loved Squid even after all the hurt and my studies of MB taught me that such WS behaviour is a predictable aberration, and that real love and intimacy can return. And it has in our case. We have a much better relationship now than for years before her affair in truth. We're working through the post-affair issues gradually, but our R is good bordering on great right now.

I am sometimes angry that Squid had an affair, even now. I project most of my hatred onto OM, who I would love to see destroyed. But Squid and I work through the issues in love.

We are only 8 months into NC, probably five or six into real recovery, so of course we still have issues to deal with.

But I think recovery is going very well !




Maybe my wife will be better off with a new OM (other than affair partner)?


Maybe I'll be better off with new woman?



I'm simply stating how I feel.

All true, you need to decide what you want to do. Just don't SAY you're working on your marriage then persist in non-marriagebuilding behaviour and thinking.

All blessings


Andrew

And it has in our case. We have a much better relationship now than for years before her affair in truth. We're working through the post-affair issues gradually, but our R is good bordering on great right now.

[b]I appreciate your honesty Bob.

I needed to hear that statement.

After what you went thru I'm not sure I could have survived. I would have killed OM.

So your marriage is better than years before the affair? This is what I pray for.

Dr Phil said that my wife and I started out as Friends & Lovers. We then became Mom & Dad, this is exactly what happened 15 years ago.

After our daughter my wife became a Great Mother and a bad wife. I thought she would eventually come around but it dragged on too long. Then our 2nd child was born 4 years later and the cycle continued. I was happy that my wife was enjoying our children so much that I allowed my needs not to be fulfilled. I now realize this was a big mistake. This is when she started to neglect me, so naturally I stopped meeting her needs and here we are today trying to work thru this affair.

Thanks Bob.

I'm done with this thread.

Shouldn't have started it in the first place.

Sorry if I offended anyone.

I've been very emotional the last 3 weeks. Last Wednesday I served my wife those papers from my lawyer and it's been hell on me one week before and a week later.

Thanks

Andrew

I spoke up mostly, TA, because you are doing EXACTLY what my husband did immediately before he became a WS-- started looking outside the marriage for options. You know, just to see what its like out there....

He started flirting with clerks in stores. He started 'just checking to see' on online dating sites. He started wondering what else was out there without working to make the marriage better. Why did he do it? Unbeknownst to me, his self esteem was wrecked due to difficulties at work, a bout of depression as his mother became terminally ill (she was a drug addict & aloholic and I think he carried guilt that he shut her out of his life later on), and ANYTHING he could do to make himself feel better seemed justified to him.

It began innocently enough, but once you start, its difficult to reign yourself in. And its very hypocritical to be so indignant and angry over your wife's alleged EA/PA and yet come here wondering what the dating scene is like. Can't you see that?