I have decided to implement Plan B. We have been superficially working at Marriage Builders for three years, and are basically still where we were. My question is, when I say what needs to happen for me to return, are those selfish demands? I understand that I have made selfish demands and that I should not, but I don't know how else to stipulate what is to happen while Plan B is in effect.
Goatherd

I don't know exactly what you would be insisting upon. Could you publish a list for comments?

Counseling, perhaps a 12 Step program, a church support system, a promise to put me at the top of his priority list, a reaffirmation of vows stating out loud and publically to "love, honor, and cherish", etc.
Goatherd

Sounds reasonable to me. What does he say, is he willing to meet your requirements, or is he bargaining away at them? What you want sounds like what is necessary as a show of good faith. Have you told him what you need if you give your marriage another chance? Is he willing to do counseling and work on himself while not in contact with you, and not date anyone else? How serious is he, in other words?

Or are you willing to let him back in with promises to work on things after he comes back?

So far, he is mostly ignoring my suggestions. That is why I was wondering if I can turn them into demands. I don't really know how serious he is. He says he wants the marriage to work, but I feel like I am hearing him say I need to change my expectations, rather than he change his behavior. I believe that probably both need to happen. I would not be willing to accept just promises. I have done that often enough to know that it doesn't take long to get back to where we started.
Goatherd

All right, then, not "demands" but "prerequisites"

He will ignore "suggestions"

They don't value what comes free or easy. Better that he work to win you back than that you give in without proof that he is willing to commit to repairing things.

If he were really serious about reconciling, he could put in 6 months to a year in counseling and 12 step program and either church support or some other thing you both agree to. If he balks at doing these things, think twice.

Why should you change your expectations? You are not asking him to undergo painful body alterations, move to Antarctica, or join a religious cult, are you? You're asking him to get morally and emotionally healthy and commit to your marriage. It's sort of like a quest: He wants to win the fair maiden, he completes some tasks to prove he is worthy. If he drops out, or if he whines that you are asking too much, is he worthy?

This is important to specify to the negligent S, these are not demands...these are requirements to continue a M with you...it is SOLELY up to them whether they want a M with you or not.

Why do YOU have to leave?

I asked my FWH to leave thinking the A was over, he was just not ready to work on the M (only to find out later contact had never ended). I also gave him Plan B letter with a list of requirements I needed to return to the M. He balked at it, and said I was forcing him to do these things, that he was going to go to IC and hand him the letter and say "Fix me..." My list was NC, visit with a Dr. about taking meds, then taking whatever they said, IC/MC, honesty with money and time, and more attention. I explained these were the things I needed, but it was ENTIRELY up to him what he chose to do, then I would have to deal with it after...

I will tell you that other than the first few items, my list was too vague, and we had to talk specifically what accountability would look like...

I gave him the list after he moved out.
He decided to follow it...but I would not allow him to move back in until he had a LEAST started doing the first few things, and had started showing accountabiltiy and attention. 2 months later he moved back in...now we're *nearly* two years down the road...and MUCH better.