There has been some discussion lately as to why some of us put so much blame on the OP. I don't have an intelligent answer to this question, as I feel that my feelings about the OW in my case aren't really a rational thing, it seems like more of a gut level, emotional reaction than something rational and well thought out.

I have made incredible improvement in this particular area. I do still think about the OP, but I no longer feel like going on a murderous rampage, it has turned to more of a pity thing for me. And still, there are times when anger does sneak in there again, especially when I read of someone new on this forum who is dealing with these issues, and so I decided to write this letter to the OW.......it's not something she'll ever see....just something for me.

I invite you to write one too, if you like.
***************************************************

OW-

I wanted to let you know what a valueless person I think you are. I find you a vapid waste of skin. Did you really think that my husband was going to divorce me for you? Did you really think that he was going to end up with you? Are you insane?

I am more woman than you could ever think about being. I have morals and values. I don't feel the need to go after other women's husbands, as seems to be the pattern for you. Yeah, that's right, I believe this is a way of life for you......wasn't your boyfriend before my husband married also? What kind of slime does that?!

Is it a coincidence that you're 33 and unmarried? I don't think so......married men can't marry you can they? Do you seriously delude yourself into thinking they will?

For so long I hated you, I wanted nothing more than to rip you limb from limb. Now I realize that would serve no purpose, that you are to be pitied. And that it is not up to me to punish you, my God will do that for me.

You are rapidly becoming nothing more than a bad dream, so I hope you enjoyed the company of my husband while you could, it will never happen again.

-Caren

OK...gonna drop my thoughts on this here.

My case is a little different than yours. My wife had an online emotional affair with someone that she'd never met in person. When confronted, he bought her plane tickets, she packed her bags and moved into a motel for a few days until her flight was supposed to leave. Long story short, she didn't go, and we're a year into recovery now. Things are going pretty well. Side note: OM was someone that both of us 'knew' online...all three of us played online together.

Once the EA was out in the open, I finally broke down and called him a few days past d-day, in an effort to convince him to have her call her sister...I wanted her to talk with SOMEONE...ANYONE who didn't have a vested interest in where she ended up.

I was still VERY angry with him at the time, but actually carried on a mostly civilized conversation with him. I have to say that not all OM/OW are evil, totally self-centered, or completely hateful of the BS. He claimed to be my friend. I have to say that this 'friendship' was never real...I truly believe to this day that it was all done with ulterior motives, and that of course made anything he ever said to me suspect.

But...I will admit that he DID take the right steps to help my wife implement NC at the very end. And he has stuck by his part of that ever since...they have not communicated in nearly a year now. And both of them could have done so at any point if they so chose.

Now...the issue I'm dealing with is this. He's recently started playing online again, in the same game and server that this all started in. My wife and I did resuming playing this game TOGETHER, months after our recovery began. And we've been playing there for several months before he suddenly started playing again.

So I'm going to be contacting him sometime in the near future, simply to verify that it is HIM that's playing, and not someone that may have bought his account off of him. But beyond that, I don't have a need to say anything further to him. He betrayed my trust and friendship, as well as tried to destroy the most important thing in my life...my marriage. I don't hate him any more, but I don't trust him, nor do I really want to give him ANY reason to think that he'd be accepted back in either of our lives ever again.

Write your letter and send it, if you think that the OW is the kind of person who will actually read it and think about what it says. If you don't think she will, then write the letter, and delete it when you're done. Because otherwise you're not doing anything to help the situation. Just my thoughts.

I thought of writting a letter to the FOW since she actively tried to sabotage my relationship with my FWH early on.
All I could think of telling her would be:

"I'd think a woman about 10 years my senior would have a little more sense. Guess those 10 years have only added wrinkles and no knowledge. Pitty"

Ow is a constant part of our lives, so I cannot - for the sake of the babies - tell her what a waste of air I think she is, that the only wonderful things she's created in her life were those kids and I've a feeling that's the only good she'll ever make. That even now, I shudder to think of the emotional damage that she's done to the other kids she has (4 others) and that she still does to them on a weekly basis. Oh and that the only thinking she does is with a part of the body that has no brains....

Hey. But I'm not bitter, eh? (LOL)

XWW and I split in November 2003. Shortly after that, I sent a letter to OM#2 (the worst offender, in my book).

I unloaded on him. I thanked him for coming to my home on many occasions and pretending to be a friend. I mentioned, however, that there had always been a distance between us that I could never explain... and that I now knew it was because he was f*cking my wife. I also thanked him for contributing so much to the destruction of a family that included two small children.

I pointed out that he and I had sworn no obligations to each other, but that we had an understanding as human beings to not screw each other over. He had violated that repeatedly, which classified him as a subhuman piece of reptilian [censored]. I also made a vague threat to tell his girlfriend about his past (which I didn't do, because I didn't know her name).

I concluded by observing that we would probably run into each other in the future, given that we live in the same city. I advised him to avoid me from now on, suggesting that he do everything in his power to ensure that, as far as I'm aware, he doesn't exist.

My concluding phrase was, "[censored] you, you c___".

I did mail it to him, and I know through a mutual friend that he did receive it. I never heard a peep from him in response and haven't seen him since then. Which is probably best, since I'm not sure what my reaction will be if and when that occurs.

I thought about revenge for a long time, but ultimately decided that he was worthless and a waste of my attention. I said my piece to him, and that's that as far as I'm concerned. But I definitely don't regret sending it.

I haven't written a letter to the OP in my case. If I did, it would be something like this...

Dear xxxxx,

Your relationship with my wife divided this family, destroyed my sons' stability put my Wife's safety at risk and brought about other dire consequences that you don't even know about. For the first few months after you took my wife away from me, I was very angry with you. After all, I gave you a place to live. I got you a job. I gave you free access to my vehicle whenever you wanted. I cared about you and trusted you and you betrayed me.

My anger was overwhelming. All alone and hurting, the pain was so bad I thought I was going to die.

So I prayed. And then opened my Bible (I had no other books at that point) and began to read.

And I opened the Book to the story of Joseph. And I read about a boy who was betrayed by his brothers and sold into slavery. And I thought, what a fitting story. Is this supposed to cheer me up?

I looked up to God and asked, "This is supposed to give me comfort? Gee thanks."

But I kept reading. And I followed the story as Joseph kept faith in God and did his best to turn every situation to good. He found the bright side to every situation and met each challenge head on, with love and devotion.

And this slave eventually had control over all of Egypt. Second only to the pharoah in power and prestige. And he did well at it too. And when, years later, he met up with his brothers, he forgave them and welcomed them with open arms.

The impact of the story didn't sink in right at once. It took a couple of days but I got the message.

Now, a year later, I'm not exactly ruling Egypt... but a lot of things are falling into place. And I can't say that they would be if I hadn't experienced the betrayal and subsequent trials. I'm stronger now. More in touch with God and my spiritual self. So many good things are happening now as a direct result of that horrible time, and some I don't even know how to explain...

But I just want you to know...

I forgive you.

I thank you.

Though we can never be friends again, I want you to know that I care about you.

I hope that you find happiness and growth and prosperity and become the kind of person I know you want to be. That one day you can look in the mirror and find yourself truly loveable and worthy of the absolute best that Life and Love have to offer.

Sincerely and with warmest regards,

John.

Ps: Please stay away from my Wife.

dewt,

That is truly a beautiful letter. I hope that I will one day have healed to the point that you have. I hope that one day I can look back at all this pain and suffering and realize that I have become a better person for it.

We should be kind and thankful for our enemies for they are our greatest teachers. Easier said than done. At this point my letter to the OW wouldnt get past that first paragraph. I still have a long way to go.

OW was just a slip of a girl who was trying to get some of our family wealth from my H. She is very poor and works under slave conditions of 200 yrs ago. She cares for a severely retarded child of 13, who is getting so big, she can hardly lift the child any more. She has to wipe it's butt and hand feed it and clothe it and bath it and lug it around with her where ever she goes. She is with it twenty four hours a day. We live in Hong Kong where life is cheap and you bring in someone from a poorer Asian country to do your dirty work for peanuts. The OW is 28 now - attractive and high spirited and yet she is controlled to the nth degree by her chinese employer who never, ever lets her out without the child, apart from one day a fortnight - and the girl uses that time to troll for men who will take her away from her miserable life.

Why do I hate this girl so much? Why can't I appreciate that she does a good job caring for a retarded child in great need? Isn't she being punished enough for what she did to me and my H?

I hate it that I cannot be a better person and stop wishing bad things on this girl.

AN

My letter to OM

OM

Your registered charity number is **********
Your work address where you store stolen DVD players and cable boxes is *** ** ******, ******, ***, *******
The name of the last but one junior you seduced is *** ********. Her fiance is named ***** *****.

His unit XXXX is serving in **** returning July.

His phone number is ***** *********


Your car registration is *** **** a blue **** ******.
The brake pipes run over teh rear wheel arches in that particular model.

The phone number of your superior in the ********* charity is *** **** *******his name is **** ********

You favourite drink is Carling lager, your local pub is the Jolly sailor in *********
You leave by eleven and walk home alone every friday and Saturday night through **** street and *** ****** farmers field. It takes you fifteen minutes.

Those shadows ? I'm in 'em mother****er. All of 'em. Always.
Will I call those people or not ? Not sure myself some days OM. Not sure myself.

Live in fear until I decide you don't.

Love Bob

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

BTW I do have all that info on OM.

bwahahahaaaaa! Bob, you are awesome!! BRAVO! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

ROFL, Bob, I thought that I was the only person who'd done that!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

When the EA came out in the open, the first thing that my wife did was to warn the OM to be careful. He thought it was cute...he thanked her for caring so much, but assured her that it was all fine. My wife PANICKED...because she knew that he was totally not understanding.

He seemed to think that I would show up and want to fight him....LOL. My wife of course knew me just a little better than that...and after NC had stuck, and we started to reconcile, she jokingly asked me in MC one day just how much info I'd got. So I told her the truth...I knew his work and home phone numbers, addresses, and cube number at work. I knew where he sat in relation to the windows, and that his car (knew make and model and color) was always parked on the N side of the building...on the VERY rare occasions he didn't walk to work. All my wife could say was..."I figured as much."

Nice to know that I'm not the only one who thinks this way! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Its not very 'mb' but this letter and a conversation I had with OM are one reason for his deep darkness.

And I sleep easier knowing he fears me. I was going to refesh some of that data after six months of NC but I didn't. A sign of OUR recovery I guess.

Not recommended practice children. Don't try this at home. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

LOL...I like your last line above...but then it just forces me to add the rest of that line...and it would have been wise for OM to have remembered this part...I know my wife does.


"Don't try this at home....I am a trained professional!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

If I wrote a letter to OW I would tell her what a low life piece of scum she really is.

OMG Bob....LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!! That was awsome.

I too have all of that information, and I have my dark days. I know everything about this woman, but I just sit on it.

She is the manager of a candy shop, I'm not 100 % sure she even graduated from high school, the candy shop's corporate headquarters isn't too far away.....and I'm looking for a job...LMAO, I was tossing the idea around of applying.....but I won't.

-Caren