How the heck do you DO it??

My step-D-2b is driving me nuts!

It is impossible to treat her like one of my own children, when she is treating her own parents and stepfather the way she is ... she ran away from home yesterday ... lies and is destructive ... bosses and HITS the younger kids and blames them for everything ... oh my gosh I just don't know how to cope.

My kids are NO ANGELS but they love Westley and they show at least some respect for me, and him!

Sorry ... just needed to vent a little ... will get through this ... *breathe*

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

How old?

Someone told me that God makes 'em cute as babies so you don't want to kill them later!

If you didn't live through her cute baby years you're probably less bonded!

Other people's kids are tough, I don't think you ever feel about them like you do your own. Natural I guess. I admire you for trying. I have zero urge to ever be a step-parent, or for my kids to have one. Tough Tough Tough spot to be in.

I am a selfish in this department. I have 2 D but I don't want to be step dad. I admire your strength even considering doing this.

Hang in there .

Mine are 7 and 10, so Westley has been there for more of the cute years (we've been together 4 years) ... his DD is 12 ... ages 8-9 was much easier than this 11-12 stuff. Massive puberty issues. Wants to be treated like she's 16 but acts 8.

The first thing she said to me when we met was "You're pretty" ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ... now she barely acknowledges my existence.

It would be easier if she were younger than my kids instead of older ... I'm learning as I go and have no experience with a moody "tween" ...

I would guess you are dealing less with a "step" issue and more of a "tween" issue. They do get that way. They feel they should have all the privileges of an adult, but they still are children, and so they act that way. It may be exacerbated some by the whole divorce and blended family thing, but....

I have a 13yo niece, and I love her to death, but she is the most frustrating creature on God's green earth sometimes. And her parents are married to each other! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> She backtalks both of them at times - and I know how she's been raised. It certainly wasn't to talk like that to her parents. And yet.... she has moments where the adult she will be someday shines through.

No real advice here....just know that this probably doesn't have much to do with the marital situations, and is probably mostly age-related.

Of course, since you have two coming up on that age rapidly, that may not be much consolation! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Of course, some kids go through this to a lesser degree, and some more.... hopefully, your two will decide to be less obnoxious about it.

After posting this, I realized though.... I'm assuming Westley doesn't have full custody, right? In which case... you may want to try and find out if there's something going on in her mom's house that is making this problem worse. It does sound like tween issues for the most part, but some of it does sound like acting out that can occur when there's a real problem...

There is for sure. This is not the first time in these last few years that her stepdad has threatened her mother that if DD doesn't move out and live with Westley, that he's divorcing her. Not long after Westley and I started dating, she was going to divorce him due to his anger issues and they were separated, but they got back together. He went to counseling, and things were quiet for a while...

They just bought a house and moved a bit over a month ago, DD had to adjust to new school and make new friends at almost the end of the school year, and it doesn't sound like it has gone well. There has been at least one physical fight (she didn't start it, but she ended it) and problems clashing with teachers. The mom (from what I'm told by Westley at least) pretty much throws her hands in the air, leaving the stepdad and DD to scream at each other. She is always calling Westley to have him talk to DD.

Now she's not a hellion for him, but in the past year has been so moody and demanding that it has caused some strain. She wants to be entertained constantly, and he feels so bad about what's going on in her home life he tries to be superdad. He's been less willing to do "family stuff" if SHE is not enthusiastic about it. My kids get angry because I don't spoil them the way he spoils her (and the way their dad and grandma spoil them) ... sorry, spoil is a bad word ... I mean if they want something they get it and they don't necessarily earn it. (I make them earn things if they want money from me. So what, I'm a mean mom. They'll get over it.)

DD refuses to talk to a counselor, just threatens her mom that she'll run away from home and mom backs off. They need family counseling bad. But then again, so does my family (the kids and ex and me, according to DS' neuropsych) and my ex is so against it that it won't ever happen ... leaves me to just do what I can with the few counseling skills I have.

I'll get through this. We all will together. I just don't remember things being this bad when I was going through it with my mom and stepdad, and my dad and his girlfriend. I thought the world of her. I guess I need to call her up and chat. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It's an age thing with DD. My own kids are 9, 11, 13, so believe me I know about the transition. Your 7 and 10 year-olds will make this transition, too. DD is in a tough spot, starting to get an adult understanding of the situation, without an adult's ability to make her own choices. And we can be quite sure that she realizes stepdad doesn't want her around.

Just hang in there, let your place be a safe haven for her, and she'll (probably) come around.

- Tom